Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac: Not for Sale/Another.not.for.sale (Australia).iso/no need to argue/The False Prophet's Bible

Text File | 1994-03-01 | 657KB | 28,915 lines

  IMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM;
  :                      BABBLE-ON THE HAW OF HAWS.                          :
  :                     The False Profit's Buy-Belle.                        :
  :                    ( The False Prophet's Bible. )                        :
  LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM9
  :               A spoof on the Bible's book of Revelation                  :
  :                    for computerphiles, 14 Chapters.                      :
  :                         By Philip Ian Heggie.                            :
  :                        (Fill-lip Ian Heir-Gee)                           :
  :                               Rev. 4.11                                  :
  :                      Shareware Licence Agreement.                        :
  :                          Copyright Feb 1994                              :
  :                  Cost of licence $10 ( No obligation )                   :
  :                                                                          :
  :                     Not to be printed, on in any form.                   :
  :                     For free disk distribution at a cost                 :
  :                     set by disk distributor only.                        :
  :                     Interested publishers please contact:                :
  :                          Philip Ian Heggie                               :
  :                          65 Robinsons Road Frankston                     :
  :                          Victoria Australia 3199.                        :
  :                 Internet: [e-mail]              :
  HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<
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     Philip Heggie- R.M.I.T. School of Health and Information Science

               Ph. [phone]   FAX [phone]

             Internet: [e-mail]
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                     INTRODUCTION

Phonetic embeds are a linguistic phenomenon where words are

embedded inside another word in such away that no one could

deny that they are there. However few would admit that they

could influence behaviour, but sometimes the subliminal

meaning does make sense, and does reinforce and give

strength to the surface meaning.  This book demonstrates by

example numerous phonetic embeds that are culturally common

to educated, English speaking westerners. However I know of

no research done on my phonetic embed theory, so it is

currently mere conjecture.



Take the Ku Klux Klan ( coup clucks clan ) uniform for

example.  It makes them look like stalagmite icicle men. The

stalagmite has a phonetic embed stalag-might an image of a

Nazi concentration camp.  Icicle has a phonetic embed I-

sickle which reinforces the image of a hooded grim reaper

figure.  Hitler has a phonetic embed of hit-lure. His book

Mein Kampf has phonetic embed my-en(d) camp that is

concentration camp built into it.  These cults are very

potent and should be avoided.



Believers in the bible have a phonetic embed buy-bell.

Nearly every church building priest has bought a bell for

their church. However it is traditional so this is open to

skepticism.  Central to the book of Revelations is the

letters sent to the seven churches of Asia. The phonetic

embed of Revelations is revel-asians, so the significance

of the letters is reinforced by this.



Hatred of the Soviets was followed by the Vietnam war. So-

Viet is the phonetic embed of Soviet. America has a long

history of fighting reds. Red skins, red uniformed British,

and communists. Americans love Hollywood movies especially

comedies. The phonetic embed of American is a-merry-can

perhaps a can of film, and America loves a merry car chase

in just about every movie.



The power of Eastern religions is attributed to being at

one with the universe. The phonetic embed of one is won and

everybody loves a winner don't they. The orange people's

Bhagwan phonetic embed bag-won implies he has packaged

being at One with god. People say words can hypnotise you.

The phonetic embed of word is whirred and everybody knows a

whirl will get you giddy and give you another state of

consciousness. So will chanting any word often called a

mantra. A mantra has a phonetic embed man-trois

symbolically implying the Father Son and holy ghost so

explains the religious hook in for christian westerners to

these cults.  Incidently hypnotize has a phonetic embed

hip-know-ties or hip-no-ties so is perceived as a

psychosexual relaxant.



Negro has a phonetic embed knee-grow. Black has blah-lack

embedded in it so feeds prejudice unless counteracted with

logic. The terms combined Knee-grow and rod-knee king

seem to provide a very potent drop. The knees bashed by rods

would grow from swelling inflicted by the `king's' men. Also

Martin Luther King was a highly regarded freedom fighter who

shares the same surname and to rod the Afro-Americans king is

very damaging. It had such an emotionally degrading impact on

Afro-Americans in the first Rodney King bashing trial so as

to cause massive rioting.



Jews have the phonetic embed dues in it, so perhaps people

who don't like to pay their dues often display quite

irrational prejudice againt these people. Rabbi has the

phonetic embed Ra-bye which symbolizes as in the Passover

celebration the freeing of the Jews from Egyptian rule,

signified by the Egyptian sun god Ra.



Scientology followers always like to give questionaire's to

sign. Their phonetic embed is sign-to-log-(h)e. They like

you to sign up for courses and like to log your performance

with galvanic skin responce meters to monitor skin

resistance to register anxiety levels, called biofeedback.

Phonetic embed of this is buy-owe-feed-back. They are of

course very good at extracting money out of people.



Vernon Howell is reported to have smacked todlers bare

backsides across his knees for up to forty minutes

continuously and the phonetic embed Vern on howl confirms

this strange obsession. He wrote a letter a wedding

invitation of the Lamb invitation to churches. It contained

some extractions from the book of revelations.



Branch Davidian Cult leader's LETTER 30 Jan 1987:-

I have seven eyes and seven horns. My name is the whirred of

God, and I ride on a white, horse. I am here on earth to give

you the Seventh Angel's message. I have ascended from the

east with the seal of the liveing god. My name is Cyrus, and

I am here to destroy Babylon. I have come in a way that is

contrary to preconceived ideas. I will reprove you for your

world loving.



I will scould your daughters for their nakedness and pride

that they parade in my Father's house, and by my angels I

will strip them naked before all eyes because of their

foolish pride. The young men will abuse my kindness. They

will take my life but I will arise and take theirs forever

more. Your minister's will lament your foolishness. Your lost

flock will tear you to pieces. PREPARE TO MEET THY GOD.

                                        David Koeresh

                                        (Vernon Howell)



Phonetic embeds decoding of the above letter:-

I have seven I's ( multiple personalities ), and seven horns

( is a sex maniac ). My name is the whirred of God, and I

ride on a white ( girl ), hoarse ( sore from preaching

endlessly ). I am here on earth to give you the Seventh

Angel's mess-age. I have a send ed' from the east with the

seal of the live in god.  My name is Sire-us ( fathers many

children to many wives ), and I am here to destroy, babble-

on.  I have come in a way that is contrary to pre-con-seaved

ideas.  I will reprove you for your whirled love-in. (

planned orgy )



I will scald ( burn ) your daughters for their naked Ness and

pride that they Pa-raid in my Father's house, and by my

angels I will strip them naked before all eyes because of

their foolish pride. The young men will abuse my kind Ness.

They will take my life, but I will arise and take theirs

forever moar. ( dead and buried ) Your Ministers will Lamb-

meant your foolish Ness. Your lost flock will tear ( cry )

you to peace-heirs.  PREPARE TO MEET THIGH GOD. "



The book that follows Babble-on the haw of haws, is

fictitious but explains how easy the book of Revelations is

open to interpretation as it gives by way of comic example

many concepts that can be read into a poetic discourse.

Chapter 4 shows many phonetic embedded ideas. Chapter 10

shows a phonetic embed decoding of the number of the beast

666. A religion is more dynamic than people realise, and new

technology and concepts will cause a re-interpretation of the

book of revelations in ways that are only limited by human

creativity. Phonetic embeds show how suggestible people are,

and it's through hooking people in with ideas that `sound

right' that brainwashing cultists begin to exploit people.

The most dangerous cults use their propaganda to destroy

people's faith in their family, friends and community so the

person becomes totally dependant on the cult for survival.

Once this has happened lots of support and isolation from the

cult while deprogramming is probably the best solution.  I

hope these ideas help in cult analysis.  Remember all false

prophets mesmerise and dupe their marks that is brainwash

them, but the world still hasn't come to an end, and the book

of revelations is a very rich poetic recipe book for

disaster, open to many interpretations that still hasn't come

off, maybe it never will.  A recipe that is followed to the

letter is merely someone blindly following instructions of a

psychological, self induced, self-fulfilling prophecy.


                        Chapter 1



(Choir: Stormin' Norman Norman, keep those eye Ra quays' moving,

Lord on High.  He came with a vision, to save the queue wait he

woman, from the evil of their eye. Move 'em out move 'em out move

'em out move 'em out. Keep those eye Ra quays' movin', Lord on

High.  He made the eye Ra keys vomit, he came like a comet, to

burn their britches with Holy fire. For he was America's

chieftain, with braves that went and beat them, and licked them

with hail, and holy fire.  Move 'em out move 'em out move 'em out

move 'em out.  Keep those eye Ra quays' movin', Lord on High.

For America the brave had sent them, with the sword of

intervention, for he has the soul of a black man, red skin and

John Wayne. He mixed with the troops, helped them through the

hoops, for he was a soldier, oh so wise.  Then he mixed with the

masses, even in Damascus, for he was a soldier of the Lord.  Pick

'em up move 'em out throw them out, keep those sword he's holy oh

Lord.  Lord on High.  For the sword of intervention, moved in to

protect them, roar hide. If we could turn back time, if we could

find a way to delay their Judgement Day. We wouldn't mean to hurt

them. We would have eased their pain.)



( Spoken Rap: The curds did uprise, to everyone surprise, for

the cream will rise to the top.  A sad damned spider crept down

beside them, and swept all the curds away. Claimed they were all

in his whey. The cream and the curds came away, but the rest of

the whirled made them stay. )



(Choir: One Lord, One Light, Who paid with his life.  He looked

down, and frowned and scorned. They came there with missiles,

some said they were thistles, and thorns, in the side of the

Lord.  One Law, one Light, that shines, oh so bright, was the

Lord with everlasting life. The saint Martin Luther, and John

Lennon too, cried by Jesus' side, in Heaven above you too.  One

life, One Lord, paid the price, for our sins, He died.  And John

Lennon sang, everybody's singing, give peace a chance.  Now

everyones' praying give peace a chance. They saved the queue wait

he people, from the eye Ra keys evil.  They came, they stormed,

and warned, and some died.  One Lord, Perfect light, sing your

praise, and it'll be alright. Praise to the Lord above.  Now

Bangladesh sent a farthing, to those curds who were starving, now

Jesus says their the richest men on earth.  Luke warm, the West

stormed, now everyone listen.  Send a man to listen, and you

might find out what's missing.  Send a Lamb, not a LAN, send a

man.  They said He'd return with a vengeance, so you better ask

for penance.  Lend a hand, lend a hand, lend a hand. Or is

Armageddon where we're headin' my fellowman.)



The story begins at the crucifixion of Jesus, and the two Mary's

lie weeping at Jesus feet. Jesus cries out in pain.



Jesus: "Father why have you forsaken me?"



Onlooker 1: "What did he say?"



Onlooker 2: " `Father, why have you put four stakes in me' I

think is what he said."



Onlooker 1: " What a blasphemous sod, even claimed he was the Son

of God."



Suddenly Jesus gave up his spirit and dark clouds hovered over

head, the air was filled with thunder claps and lightning.

The onlookers fled in fear of the wrath of God.



Onlooker 2: " Truly he must have been the son of God, run

aghhhh."



The disciples gathered together, and lowered the cross to the

ground.  Mary Magdelene kneeled over her Master's body when

suddenly she was possessed by a kindly but powerful spirit.  She

felt the urge to place her hands over each limb and psycho

kinetic forces emanated through her palms, and each nail drew up

from his palms and feet.  One at a time they popped under the

mysterious force that had entered her, and an angel hovered

overhead wearing his antigravity winged girdle belt spoke to

Mary.



Angel: "Behold Mary God has made you the first Mary Pop Pins,

never fear the son of Man shall re-appear to you soon."



The angel vanished, and Mary layed crouched and weeping. Jesus

was placed in a tomb sealed by a stone boulder and guarded by two

Roman soldiers. After three days the Lord rose from the dead, the

boulder mysteriously rolled aside while the soldiers slept, and

Jesus appeared to Mary along the roadside.



Mary: "Oh my God, is that really you my Lord."



Jesus: "Yes it is I, didn't I always tell you I would never die.

Mary I have some secrets to share with you.  You must tell no

one, or bring death upon your head.  To you I'll give eternal

life, and you shall not age one day older than today.  Like Judas

you too will betray me.  I say to you it is better that you were

never born than to betray the Son of Man."



Mary weeped first with joy then fell in his arms feeling great

sorrow.



Mary: "Oh Jesus, haven't I suffered enough."



Jesus: " Never mind Mary I will always be with you. Take this

ring of mine, see it has ten stones. Each stone represents a

kingdom that is yet to come.  You shall not be able to remove

this ring from your finger until I'm near my return, and you

shall become the most powerful witch queen this world has ever

seen. For now you shall be called Head Jew Cate, you are good

food for the masses.  From you shall arise great knowledge to be

given to those who educate the young.  But the church for a

thousand and five hundred years shall renounce, and try to

destroy all who follow your path.  Their Head Jew Cate shun shall

give rise to a new wave of education. Just as Adam was the first

cave man, to give up heave of his woman, and his beloved Eve

served Adam until her heave end, and received the gift of

everlasting life.  I shall propel you into the future where you

shall meet a man they call the False Prophet whom you shall

know, for he has the power to remove your ring through sleight of

hand.  From your ring he shall inherit his power to mesmerise the

masses with idols of stone that can think, built of feeled effect

trance cyst hers and trance put hers to enslave the masses and

give rise to an evil vile king, they shall call the Antichrist.

You shall become the Antichrist's Queen, but I promise you shall

see the Wedding Day of the Lamb which is my return to mother

earth before you receive your last and final Judgement.  From

this day forth you shall be called Lana, or Lanabelle, the great,

wondrous, one dress woman of babble on, the shadow mask grate.

The shadow mask grate shall be the image of a beast called tell

le vision.  For the image of the beast shall receive the power to

speak. This is the second beast which shall receive it's power

from the first beast born from the bottomless pit of quarries

whose power shall be born by millions of crosses in remembrance

of me.  Mother earth is truly bottomless take my word for it.

Here look at this small cos lettuce from the island Cos.  The

earth is a similar shaped green sphere.  Behold when the sins of

the earth reach as high as Heaven I shall return. A second beast

shall arise from the bottomless pit and receive power from the

first beast and be given power to speak through the false god of

Ra die owe, and they shall call it ray day owe, and it shall

stand the accuser of accusers, taunting mankind day and night for

their sins.  They shall worship the image of the beast of tell

lure vision. A male dominated imaging machine of television.

Their shall be those who choose to be martyrs to God they call

All aghhh or Allah who is Lamb or Islam to the faithful. They

believe in the Holy land of Me ka or Mecca an ancient Egyptian

belief that my soul is trapped in a stone cube of basalt conveyed

to Abraham by my arch angel Gabriel. It is called the ka bar, or

kaaba and fell from the heavens. It was white but turned black

when it came in to contact with Sin who is the ancient Babylonian

moon god through foe ton, trance fur, from moonlight. From the

ten headed beast of the you knighted nations their is a land of

the rising Sun whose people will cry out in pain in `hear a

shream aghhh'. This is the one head of the beast that is mortally

wounded but healed. From it shall arise millions of black cubes

of television and radios.  These are the answer to the prayers of

Islam who shall walk around the kaa baa seven times each day and

night hoping the black stone will talk and judge the world.  Day

and night the black boxes shall stand their Accuser and judge all

mankind.  The whores of babble on of the shadow mask grate of

tell he vision shall ride on the back of this beast performing

unspeakable acts of fornication before the masses. So drunk shall

some be that they shall drink wine from their car bars, and not

even remember my holy name. All who receive the mark, the pound

or Voo do doll aghhhs from PIN knumb-burrs ( numbers ), called

`act-you-punch-sure' in their right hand from my book of Revel-

Asians that I will send to my seven churches of Asia, shall

follow the beast of Me die aghhh, they call the media.  Their

shall be a mother earth sum it or summit in Rio de Janeiro,

covered in stereo by the beast of radio and television.  Behold

stare Rio.  Re owe de jar Nero who is the Antichrist tell he

vision drug lord, and whose number is 666, see my statue in your

mind's eye looking down on them all from a distance.  Nero is

near-owe, near the time of Judgement and the time of pain leading

to the apocalypse when the aghhhhh-pock-a-lips strikes many a

plague shall be upon you. Their shall be the Pythagoreans who

believe in the devil's triangle.  They will call my revenge tan

equals Sin divided by Cos that is ( Satan plus the Devil, ruling

over ten kingdoms represented by the horns of the beast ),

divided by ( the Father plus the Son and Holy Ghost) over 10,000

space knights equals [ 2/10 ]/( 3/10000 ) = 666.66666666666666...

Thus evil six will repeat itself indefinitely until it reaches

the distant galaxy of the planet Heaven.  When these things come

to pass then I shall return like a thief in the night. I am the

Messiah, the mess eye her to some who will believe I am weak to

turn the other cheek.  But they shall spill the blood of many a

saint in mankinds' name, and not repent of their sins.  Remember

have patience a thousand years is but a blink of an eye to the

Son of God."







Mary wept solidly but kept her secret. After three Days Jesus

ascended to heaven. Mary was caught up in a whirlwind and saw

galaxies come and go, the moon waxed and waned. She found herself

spinning around in circles in free space.



Lana: " What a mess. Prince of Peace, prints of piece. London

is in plague and burns in 1666. That year Louis the XIV  founded

the Academie Royale des Sciences.  I'm the haw of babble on I'm

Eve who launched an apple on top of Newton's head, what a great

temptation that was. Boy do I hate mathematics, I liked

Pythagoras, he was a one minute man but he talked for hours about

triangles, and parabolas.  I taught them both about stone

trajectories having ducked a few in my time, and two thrown at

the same height, and time definitely hit the ground at the same

time.  False Prophets, false profits.  ThiEvEs, mesmerise, mess

myhrr eyes. Babble on babe age, Babbage now he was a calculating

client, he invented the first computer. Head-eye-sun, that's a

light bulb, what a bright idea from Thomas Edison.  Edison gave

electric power to New York City shortly after it was first from a

bottomless hole born, in Holborn Viaduct station England.  At

Bell's laboratory I gave him a trance cyst whore, what a

transistor, then he became drunk with my trance pewter.  My cup

overflows with fornication on my transputer.  Bell is interested

in teaching the deaf phonetics, what phone net ticks, tick tock,

tick tock the first multiplexed clock, oh no foe Net icks. John

log he bared, oh no more fornication, John Logie Baird developed

tell le vision and the first images of the first elect trick all

beast were born. I'm little Miss Spell, the illiterate witch

queen from Hell. Hells belles that's me Lanabelle the haw of

whores. Into Jesus spell well I've fell. Aghhhhhhhhhhhh. My write

hand is my left, I'm just a horror, bull haw with a hot cleft.

I'm the liar of liers. My write hand is my right hand. I'm the

Miss Steer-He-us whore of Babble-on, make no Miss Steak. That's

no bull. I'm a barber queued cow. I need a hair cut and how,

right now."



Suddenly she found herself outside the residence of Alexander

Graham Bell.  He found her naked outside his door in the snow. He

had heard the howl of an eerie wind and came out to investigate.

He took her in, and nurtured her back to health. In gratitude she

helped him develop the grammophone and it beat Edison's

phonograms in popularity.


Lana: " Your grammophone must beat the phonogram, else the Grammy

awards will be called Phoney awards then everyone who receives

a Phoney award through history will have to give it back except

Villi Manilli who can keep theirs. I've been sent by God and can

see into the future now and again."



Bell: " So you've been sent by God, could you give me a little

sign? "



Lana went to a toy shop and bought a small Parking sign.



Lana: " Alex see this parking sign it shows Pa is king. A car is

a ka which is an ancient Egyptian belief that your soul is

trapped in a statue. The car is like your body. Your body is like

your soul. When you leave your car it's like your soul leaving

your body. It's then you know all about Pa King, God the Father."



Bell: " That sounds right, most people view parking inspectors as

popular as the Grim Reaper, and call them grey ghosts.  Phonetics

has always interested me.  You mean believer's in the bible will

buy Bell shares."



Lana: " Your name is truly blessed, some will, it depends how

much they love their money.  I saw in the future a lady named

Cher who released a video called Cher Fitness. Share fitness was

a top seller. But it became the most pirated picture recording on

earth, because believer's in the buy-belle don't like parting

with their money unless they really have to. Remember believers

in the bible really love to share. Some find it a little hard to

tell the difference between sharing and stealing Alex. But

millions loved sharing, does that ring bells? "



Bell: " Share ring, brilliant idea, I'd like to build that

feature into my telephone system. Boy picture recording, we're

still only working on sound.  There is so much to be done. I've

learnt so much about phonetics from you Lana. I hope to help the

deaf by learning how the ear, and sound work. I dream one day

we'll be able to build hearing aids.  They miss so much of the

joys of the world of sound.  Let's have a party Lana."



Lana: " Looks like we've moved from parking to the party line. "



Bell: " Sharing lines, that'll keep telephone costs down. Lana

your a gem, let's celebrate, more tea? "





Lanabelle is immortal, and our story jumps ahead to 1991.

Lana is standing in her two storey Australian Oz-stray-lyin'

house, a hungry, stray black tom cat jumps on her door bell cord,

and rings, her bell. She answers the door.



Lana: " Who are you, you mangy, male whore, black tom cat? "



The cat jumps on to her shoulder and purrs while rubbing it's

face in to hers.



Lana: " I'll call you docked-whore Who, here I'll get you some

milk. Boy you sure smell familiar. Why it ain't that old faithful

cat of Jesus. Hi Sinnerba.  Boy you sure are making a mess of my

bear rug. Your tearing it to shreds. I'm going to have you

declawed. "



The cat meowed in vain. She took him to the vet and had him

declawed.  When the operation was completed she brought him home.



Lana: " Docked-whore Do-little, your really not much use to me as

you are.  Sinnerba I'll just sprinkle some star dust on you. "




The cat was on the floor, and grew into an enormous black, cat

man.



Lana: " My you make a handsome man. Hah, hah, hah, so you got

caught up in my time warp too. I bet you'd make a great time

lord. I'll call you Doctor Hoo, after that British fellow. You

need a time machine, to be on my team.  I'll sprinkle some star

dust on that old bin. Mmmmmm, what's the magic whirred. Sin-

salad-bin that'll do.  Let's call it the STARDUST, it looks

something like the TARDIS. "



Her dust bin trance-formed into a time machine that was a cross

between an old English phone booth and her rubbish bin.



Dr. Hoo: " Hi, Jesus sent me to help you Lana. Oh God, my poor

paws have been plucked, you haven't changed a bit since we last

met in Dew Rue, Salem witch, your still a real nasty bitch. I see

you escaped the burning, and I thought it was only cats that

landed on their feet. I'm still learning, a time lords work is

never done. I keep going around in circles trying to patch up

everything under the Son. Bum, it's a stroke of bad luck Him

putting me under the spell of this one."



Lana: " Your lucky you didn't end up having something else done

at the vet. "


He glared at her, cringing at the prospect of losing his balls.



The story jumps to a small, accounting firm in Melbourne

Australia, and focuses on the office of a senior accountant,

named John Paviour. He shared this office with his assistant

Alan Boyer. John was tapping his fingers in annoyance,

and kept looking at his watch, as he waited for Alan to

return to the office. Alan suddenly rushed in like Flynn, and sat

at his desk and a letter did pin.



Alan: "I'm sorry I'm late John. My lunch came late on. The

restaurants a busy haunt, and pricy little joint today."



John: "In AMAX we demand a certain brand of professionalism.

We have no room for your masochism. So when you come back

late it's my job to berate. To keep you on the straight, and

narrow dear mate. So I'm docking you pay, for the evil of your

ways.  If it doesn't stop, your for the chop, and off to

collect your holiday pay. So if you want to stay, you better

mend your ways, or write your resume today."



Alan looked at him with dismay.



Alan: "Yes, if you say, I'll collect my pay, and call it a

day, dear John. But your often, fairly late, so come on be

fair to your mates, who are you trying to scare? If you weren't

my boss, I'd tell you to get lost, for being so unfair.  I'll

tell the network boss you left your password off, to cover the

accounts you've blotched, and you failed to report that security

hole and the money you lost.  I don't think he'd be too

impressed even if you confessed.  My, why do you look distressed?

It wouldn't look too good, if I'm not misunderstood that your the

ass that caused our company's collapse.  So remember your never

too old, ever to scolded or told off, boss. Your security breach,

should teach, your heading for some flack, or maybe the sack, for

a network hack."



John went purple with rage, and left the room and slammed the

door, Alan watched him leave, and quickly locked the door. He

went to John's terminal, and changed his password to `jerk' and

wrote `jerk' on a note, and sticky taped it to the terminal's

screen.  He then returned to his desk, and continued keying in

checks.  Alan got up and walked out of it.  He went to see the

Network administrator.



In the LAN administrator's office not too far away, sat the

LAN administrator James Fredericks with his assistant a young

Japanese, retired, Reggae queen called Jap Angela. James loved

the sound of his own voice, and loved to lecture everybody on

just about everything under the Sun, and he was always perving on

Angela's behind, wondering whether she really did have a tattoo

of the rising sun over Pearl Harbour on it between, two palm

trees with marijuana leaf heads, as described to him by Lana one

day.



James: "You know Jap Angela, we live in exciting times. It's

nearly ninety ninety nine, and Nostradamus ain't no ignoramus,

where the world has seen the benefits of Glasnosts and the eagle

has aligned with the bear, behind their screwed economy, and

the glass nosed Soviet Union has splintered at an astonishing

rate. We watched the walls of Gerry-co go tumbling down, and

communism come tumbling down behind them. It's amazing what a

chain reaction of subversive free enterprise schemes under the

red banner of McDonalds can do to the world, there must be highly

addictive ingredients in their hamburghers."


Lana enters with the mail, listening to every word, she puts her

arm on Angela's shoulder.


Lana: " It's called free enter-prize, it's all those give aways

that get's them in Mr. LAN king, see you both lay-tah ( later )."


James: " Your right Lana, see yuh. It's amazing the changes we've

seen in technology too, first it was mainframes, now it's LANS in

the nineties.  We see a shift to office work groups, the computer

user free enterprise troops, where Local area networks, all are

able to seamlessly, integrate together.  Have you noticed the

relationship of computers with the weather, I thought not.  Well

what about that Sun workstation.  Their's a Rainbow next to the

Sun, so there's rain on hand.  Don't forget your Macintosh.  It's

pissing down buckets, we even have a PC (Pea see). Towers of

power, that go on for hours.  Ivory towers, of fawny case on, has

anyone ever seen a PC that's yellow and green.  These ivory

towers even have windows that open and close, like your flashy

Mac.  Look they even have room for moving rodents.  There's a

crippled mouse pointing at the window which I call Chester,

wearing a fawny jacket with two buttons. He's drawn a little bit

of gunsmoke from a horse I call quick draw McGraw saved by my

WIN Chester drive, but you can't wind Chester up like most

mechanical mice, you have to push the little critter

around his pad.



Suddenly there's a data storm over head, and then the hard disks

read.  It must be read under it's head, but you won't find a Red

under it's bed, because there lies a circuit board green, so you

can bet your bottom dollar it's environmentally clean.  There's a

platter of data to be shared with it's head.  It even has

housekeepers to clean up the mess, prevention of viruses from

arising ahead. Now how about life on the mainframe, too much

money goes down the drain with the mainframe, that's it's main

drain.  Due to high technology unemployment is on the increase.

Businesses are crumbling at our feet.  Wages are dwindling, man's

still swindling, demands have increased, and has stretched to the

east.  It seems the failure of the Info-Tech revolution, that had

promised in the eighties to offer solutions, merely adds to

pollution.  They said it could increase our standard of living,

and give us greater leisure time for singing, but it is actually

resulting in the opposite.  How can we get on top of it?"



Angela: "Thanks for the speech, who are you trying to teach,

James"



Alan stood by listening to him, and clapped his speech.



Alan: "Excuse me for a minute, James. Can I have a chat with

you about John in private?"



James: "Certainly."



He stood up and walked off into the corridor while Alan spilled

the beans on John behind a closed door.





AMAX had a staff of approximately sixty hands, and ran a

fairly large, Lanturn local area network, called a LAN.  Lanturn

is a popular operating system, because of it's mainframe style,

security system. It's high performance, and ability to link up

with almost any computer system easily.  James Fredericks, was

the Supervisor of this LAN, he was a thin, likeable guy, with

dark hair, hazel eyes, and a genuine smile.  He was wearing his

usual, grey flannel suit and tie.  He was a hardworking and

dedicated guy. He was considered too cheeky, that made people

feel kind of freaky.  I wonder why?



Today was Friday the 8th of March 1991, and after the

discussion with Alan had begun, James returned to his desk and

sat for a rest, sipping his coffee, his desk was a mess.  His

lunch was as usual, later than usual than everyone else.

Lunchtime was a good time for him to make alterations, because

with no one logged in their were no limitations to his

operations.  After his private chat with Alan he sat down, and

was reading the most popular, British magazine around, called

PCTech Review.  Flicking through, a small article appeared that

he did view.



James: "Gees...!"



His jaw did drop, as he excitedly stopped, and he read the

article out loud, to his assistant, instead.



James: "     LANTURN LAN SECURITY SHATTERED



Lanturn security has been undermined by a new program

mastermind called NET HACK. When run on a Lanturn server,

this program will give back the server, serve you up, the

supervisor's password.  You may think this absurd, but better put

another lock on the server, room guys. It may be your demise.  By

the way, the distributor claims their working on versions for

other popular network servers, but are using their discretion who

deserves them."





This article shocked him, at the prospect of someone being able

to hack in to his system.  It didn't sit well with him that he

could lose control of his network, to those who choose, and stole

to enter the premises and run one of those.  Angela

his assistant, a Japanese, beauty whose rather a cuty,

immediately looked up at him with bewilderment, astutely.



Angela: "Your kidding? Show me."



He got up and handed her the article.



James: "Here it is, in black and white."



She promptly took the article from him, and began reading

enthusiastically. Suddenly the phone rang frantically, James

answered it ecstatically.



James: "Hello, system administrator's office."



The senior, accountant John Paviour had rung.



John: "Good morning James, John here, could you please give

me a hand on my workstation.  I've just changed my password,

and can't seem to make it work again. Some jerk has left a

very rude note on my workstation, and if it's who I think it

is, they'll need an operation after a facial rearrangement that

would make them a suitable candidate for Michael Jackson's

collection of freaks."



James: "Great thriller geeks, forgotten your password again,

John.  it didn't take you very long John. I've heard you had

none, and now that notes the one.  Jerk, yes is it, don't you

forget it.  Can you think of a better one?  Ring back if you can,

the shit's hit the fan, your security breach is firmly in my

hands. That security breach could have fleeced our company blind.

So please change your mind, and please be more kind to Alan.

Thank God, he entered jerk for me, for the sake of our work's

network security. Good-bye, and try rearranging your desk, before

breaking your hand on someone's face wimp."



John was fidgeting with his blue toy smurfs on his desk, at

this point and abruptly pushed them all on the floor in anger.

James hung up and said to Angela.



James: "Thank God supervisors, never forget their password.

If they did, Net Hack might give them back the magic word and be

a blessing in disguise and not our demise."



He then looked to see if she was looking, and pulled out a

crunched up piece of paper from his pocket, and peeked at his

password that he had changed today, and written down, just in

case he forgot it again.  She looked up at this, smiled to

herself and couldn't resist a dig at his memory loss miss.



Angela: " Why? A rittle white rie, I did spy, you peeking at

your password one more time, James."



James: " Caught in the act that's a fact, and I don't have a copy

of Net Hack. What a shame."



James sighed.



Angela: "About that article, things are realry quite

farcical. Your job get's more and more precarious, each day.

Hacker spies, and swindling guys, white corrar workers, and

electrical disturbances. They must all be the bane of your

rife.  Now this Net Hack strife is rike a knife, cutting

through you, rike a surgical knife. You must be fair game for

them all, James. "



Down on the next floor in John's and Alan's office John spoke

to Alan.



John: "Well you, and James I both hate, I'd suspect you of

a hack in, yes that's right mate. If my account is swindled next,

It's both of you I'll see they arrest.  I'll get you back, for

going behind my back.  I'll get you both the sack for a net

hack."



Alan laughed at this comment. John changed his password and a

message appeared on his screen went-

`Unique passwords only. Please try again.'



John: " Damn!"



He immediately rang the supervisor, James back.



John: "My password still doesn't work James. I get the error

message in a frame, `Unique passwords only. Please try again.'

when I tried to change my password. I tried to use my son's name

, and the damn thing wouldn't accept his name. Has your

network got something against my son or something."



James: "John, picking family member names as passwords is a very

poor choice of name."



John: " I knew you had it in for me Fredericks."



James: Dip stick, it's nothing personal though in your case I'm

tempted to make an exception. They are easily guessed by someone

with access to your personal records.  I highly recommend you

don't use them.  The error message shows it's previously known

you've used them. The network keeps track of these things. Please

use some imagination, and don't use common expressions like

margarine either. It's better to choose one that's hard to

remember, but hard to forget and difficult to guess."



John felt embarrassed, and a like a naughty school boy, being ear

bashed by the master.



John: "Like what?".



James: "I put a dollar sign in front of mine.  "



John: "Why?"



James: "Because it's expensive.  Good-bye John."



James hung up rather abruptly.



James: "And good riddance. Angela that man is such a pain."



John making doubly sure he wasn't going to forget this

password blurb, typed Simon$ and was assured, with the laying of

his hands that it was confirmed, and all went well. He spoke out

loud.



John " Holy fire, he didn't want his fingers burned again, done!"



James recalled what had happened last month with John's

account, and described the event to Angela while he munched on

his lunch.



James: "Remember when John had asked for help, over his password

last month yes. Well, we know he'd had a few under his belt, and

I trusted him to enter a new one into his account.  I had no

doubts. Unfortunately, I was interrupted you see by another

problem that came up on me out of the blue..."



Suddenly the phone rang.



James: "My, what a busy morning, we are having."



He answered it. It was Lana the bosses' secretary.



Lana: "Hi James the network has suddenly stopped working, could

you come on down and fix the LAN again. I'm afraid I'm the pest

who moved her desk and caused this mess this time, dear James. I

tripped over a cable whose fallen apart, and the LAN I'm afraid I

disabled.  I'm very sorry James.  I'm going quite insane, my

printing has stopped again. So, oh Mr. Fixit come on down and fix

it, once again."



James: "Tragic Lana, hope you enjoyed your trip, and I hope Kay

Belle gets better soon.  See you shortly."



He then hung up the phone.



James: "Angela hold the fort then, and keep them all at bay.  I'm

afraid it's gonna be another one of those days."



Angela: "Good ruck, James, which rambling fought ( thought) of

yours, am I supposed to hold on to."



James: " Fought a-patch-he up a the mess here Angela"



Quickly, he went to the managing director's, secretaries'

office, and replaced the broken cable.  Heads were poking out of

offices everywhere.



Clerk: "What's wrong with the damn network now James?"



James: "A terminal case of Kaye Belle blues. If you fool around

with Kaye Belle you all know there will be hell to pay. She's

a vengeful Mistress."



He waved a spare cable in their faces.



James: "Hi Lana, I'll test your workstation now.  Mmmmm."



James smiled at Lana, the bosses' secretary, because she

had a, magical sexy style and smiled so merrily. Lana, grinned

back in a way that said tread wearily.



Lana: "James I'm very embarrassed, about all the fuss I've

caused.  All those people paused, poking their heads out of

their doors, It's a bit daunting to me. Don't tell anyone, I

caused all this fuss, for I surely did disrupt, your infamous

network bus. "





James: "My lips are firmly sealed. You have my word of honor.

Just cry help, next time you want to move your desk, Lana."



Lana: "Oh, computerphile your quite a guy, you really are my

heart's desire. Did I ever tell you about my nymphomania, I

make love to strangers."



James: "I'm a married man who looks after our company's LANs.

Your in danger, making love to strangers. Get laid, get AIDS.

Take precautions, or have an abortion, you'll leave my son an

orphan if you do this too often. I like you Lana, but I had to

disarm you.  I'm not here to charm you, nor to alarm you. But

follow your path, and you will surely, end up dead."



Lana: "That's OK James, you don't have to play. I'm not afraid,

of catching AIDS.  I just want to get layed, I like a challenge

I'll go try Alan, anyone's good enough to try my bed. Give that

some head, some thought instead. Anyhow I didn't know you had a

son?"



James: "I don't. I don't know why I even said it."



Lana: "Let me read your palm, did you know I'm a witch. In a past

life I was Mary Magdelene very magnetic in the lane. I attracted

loads of stones. Like diamonds, on a bad day purgatory pearls,

which are white rocks hurled at the girls to purify them of past

indiscretions. Then one day this wonderful guy stood up to the

mob and said `Let he who is free from sin cast the first stone,

and by the time they'd stoked up the fire and prepared the moulds

we'd already disappeared for a moon lit swim under the light of

the Babylonian moon god Sin. Mmmmmm you have a very long life

line and yes their will be a son, a great shining star. What an

interesting hand you've got."



James "Your having me on, your simply are an amazing woman

Lana. Ok, I must be off.  I've got a very busy schedule,

I'm off to see the boss on the second level.  Give me a yell, if

you need some help, dear Lana."



James, grinned at her persistent attempts to seduce him, shook

his head.



Lana: "Help. Just testing, big boy. Ta ta."



James: "Tart, hah."



Lana: "I'm a tart tah, source, sorceress, don't underestimate my

power."



She spoke jokingly which made James look back, provokingly

thought, come back. She was blowing him a kiss, with a sensuous

smirk.  She was the office flirt, in a slinky skirt.



James left feeling very pleased with himself, and enjoyed an

exquisite fantasy of caressing her breasts all to himself, while

walking back to his office door.  He went to the bosses' door and

saw a message on the wall `Gone out'.





James: "OK Angela, that's all sorted out."



James sat back at his desk.



Angela: "Your all frushed. What have you been up to in your rush,

James?"



James: "Nothing."



He was trying very hard to hide his embarrassment, over Lana's

sexual harassment.



Angela: "I'm grad your back James.  The phone hasn't stopped

ringing.  I'm not sure which is worse, your whinging or

being cursed by accountants asking why your not in."



James: "Sounds like that rogue John's been on your back,

with my work load, I won't ring back.  Now as I recall, I was

telling you the story about that swine John, who chose to ignore

me, by operating his account without a password. So after the

interruption last month, I forgot I had to punch in, the password

required option on John's account.  I found out from Alan, today

that John had logged in that day, and made a revelation not to

enter a password anyway.  John's being joking ever since, about

how I missed, this security risk on our network each day.  Now

John's fallen out of favor, with Alan whose turned out our

saviour, savouring revenge for John's hypocrisy."



Angela: "Interesting, what happened?"



James: "John chastised Alan, last week, for taking too long to

eat at a restaurant that's not too cheap. He's docked him his to

help him mend his ways.  Alan is very annoyed over this, they had

a little tiff. That hypocrite John he hates so much, often takes

extended breaks for lunch. "



Angela: "Don't you just hate, hip-Po-crits, they get right under

my skin."



James: "Yes as a matter of fact I do, especially smart Alec

ones that choose to abuse their power. Alan entered the password

jerk into John's account last hour.  It suits John don't you

think, Alan's hour of power?"



Angela: " The perfect password, for the perfect boss."



Angela smirked to herself.



James: "He left a note saying jerk attached to John's

PC, and felt as pleased as can be, he had to tell me. The thing

is John's so thick, he never even twigged, the note was telling

him what his new password is."



Angela: "What a jerk. He has no sense of humor that man.

But I thought you said his account was set to no password

required?"



James: "It lies. One of the nice quirks in Lanturn's network

operating system is, if no password required is set on it lies ,

and a user enters a password any time, then it always requires

that password be entered from then on. It really worked in Alan's

favor.  This feature is designed to keep those who supervise out

of trouble so not to burst their security bubble.  If in doubt,

keep people out, rules the LAN. Of course John would never admit

to me, he's been operating his account without a password would

he.  So he said he'd forgotten his password instead.  If I'd run

the Security check program regularly, I may have picked up this

irregularity, but I've been too busy comparitably."



Angela: "I don't rike that srime bag John much. Alan should

have been in touch, about that security hole muck up. It's a

major security risk that we had both missed. We could have had a

serious disaster in our midst."



James: "Yes, your right as always, but you can't have it both

ways, it's culturally not acceptable to dob people in, in

Australia, Angela."







Late in the morning James sent a warning message, to all

staff on each floor. Everyone's workstation screen, flashed it

on in the middle of the screen, simultaneously.  The message read

-



Meeting at 1pm.  No Logins, between 3 and 5-30pm today.



This was a time reserved for full backup of the system, a

most important function, of a network system. It was necessary

for James to do this, so all network security and company

information wouldn't be missed. The time had come to

backup the network, so James set up his Tape drive unit to do all

the work. He typed in a command and discovered two workstations,

still logged in to the LAN.



James: "Those slack data entry clerks have left their

terminals logged in again. Didn't they read my warning or have

they water on the brain?"



Angela: "Those two crerks are always the same."



James: "I'll remotely log those two stations out, with a

clear station command and a keyboard clout. That'll close any

files left open, so they don't get left out.  Can't risk damaging

the company's accounting, database mountain that we keep mounting

and mucking about, can we?"



Angela: "No we certainly can't do that James. Why do you have

to crose the files again James?"



James: "The fileserver is the brain, and the main workhorse

of the LAN. If I fail to close those files, they will be

missed and down the drain, as quick as the can."



Angela: "I see, it's a very important procedure then."



He ran the backup utility menu, and selected full backup

facility true. The tape whirred away as it rewound again -a

necessity if reliable data is to remain true.



James: "I'll just verify that the tapes a good one. A backup

tape is useless as none, if it can't be used to restore data,

back on."



He entered the volume name, and description, the backup

tapes a doctor's prescription.  The tape was already formatted,

with magnetic markings, called reference bursts, to control data

parking, and later retrieved when parsing.  It's just as well

James had heeded to plan what's needed is crucial to his LAN.

The filenames flicked past on the screen, as the file directory,

tree was scanned, and streamed, all data was cloned to tape you

see for the future of data recovery.  It was quite hypnotic to

see this information, stream and flicker across the screen. So

the backup session dragged on an on, for 2 hours, 15 minutes and

thirty five seconds, before returning him to the system prompt.

It was always pleasing to see the friendly cursor blinking,

without any sinking error, messages lingering.  It had been a

long, tedious session and fairly boring for James.  But backups

are immensely important just the same.



James: "Did you know Angela that in the case of a complete,

data centre close, university studies reveal in those first 3

days, business activity drops away to 70%, by 7 days descends to

28% , by 9 days to 21%, and by 11 days to 9% quite a dive?  So

without some serious measures, to ensure data recovery is fine ,

chances are the company would go bankrupt in no time."



Angela: "No, well you rearn something new everyday."



James: "And did you know that by the end of eleven days

statistically, 95% of companies fall away, never to recover,

again?  The financial loss, day by day can be calculated anyway.

For AMAX, I'd reckon it would be about 15 grand lost per day.

Management have no idea, they scrimp and save on data security.

They'd rather play Russian roulette with their company."



Angela: "No James I didn't know that. I hope we don't have

our network hacked."



James: "It's amazing what you can learn from attending just

one Lanturn conference, Angela."



To finish off the day, James played some multiprocessor games.  A

feature of his system, to supports multiple operating systems.

He invoked the UNIX system.  He logged in as a Superuser system

administrator, his user name was root, followed later by a cat.

They all run on a PC (Pea see) how about that fornication fact.



James: "It always makes me laugh when I have to login to the

UNIX system, using the login name ROOT to mount the systems hard

disk, Angela. 'Root' is the Network Administrators' name on a

UNIX server.  What's further a superuser is the name of a UNIX

root, who mount one another in a client server relationship.  And

there all eunuches."



He had to learn about UNIX ( eunuchs ) because it was a popular

industry standard, and his bosses were thinking of getting their

hands on it.



James: "I don't like UNIX much, but I'll plod through it's

laborious commands. I don't like being beaten by computers or

LANs."



Finally he logged out, and saw Angela leaving for home.



James: "Good night, Angela"



Angela: "Good night James."



The popular backup procedure used,  was the ten tape rotation

method choosed. This involved using the same four tapes, for four

days consecutively. A different tape, is used for each one of

these weeks. Then each tape is shifted one day down, every week.

Again after four weeks, a further shift down occurs that week you

see they go around, so after 40 weeks all tapes have been cycled

down, equally. James had a day dream about them- Equal wear,

equal care, discretely gone down in equal pairs. Equally. The ten

tapes fair. Every time the Sun goes down the tape does spin

around and around. Every time the sun rises up the tapes put away

in a place that's tough. The ten tapes fair. The tapes go around

and around, on a cart by a ridge, they pay no fare, spinning in a

cartridge, they have no cares, at the ten tapes fair. At the fair

ground they go around and around and around and around to the Sun

comes up and the Sun goes down. The ten tapes fair.  There's a

cart right, 'what a bon answer', says Ben Cartwright 'is this

Bonanza' Little Joe says, 'your on the cart right, on the

right road. Highway to heaven, in days of old. The Son rose

up, and the Son will come down. I hope we all, will still be

around, when the Son makes a touch down, on a football

ground.'



James did partial backups, from Monday to Thursday, and full

backups of the server on Friday's.  He liked this method,

because of the even wear and tear of tapes, provided more

reliable backup tapes there.



Having finished backing up the network, James wondered to

himself, as he often did, 'Did I get it right, will the tapes

work nice at the crucial time I need them, to restore the network

to breath again.' He carried the tape to the fire proof

safe, where he placed the tape with the other nine tapes,

feeling fairly comfortable that in the event of a fire, his

network could come back to life again. Unfortunately, the Amax

company was in an old part of the city, which was a pity for the

old, fire safe wasn't data safe.  This was built before magnetic

tape came, so was fire rated to protect paper in the main. What a

shame. In event of a fire though, the backup tapes would melt

away but the paper would survive anyway. In a fire, the

fileserver would fail from overheating. The hard disks storage

platters would take a beating, rendering them useless.  So new

hardware would need to be purchased, to replace the old

fileserver and everybody would scream out they don't deserve

this.



The Amax Lanturn fileserver, used two hard disks, and every

time a file was saved, a complete replica of the file was

made on the second hard disk. Disk mirroring, is it's name so if

the hard disk fails, the data can be saved using the other one

as it's faithful slave.  Amax included battery, backed up power,

that if AC mains power outed, it would automatically take over

the LANs towers, and pump them up with juice for one sixth of an

hour. Before it cut loose. Juicy loosy. This was supposed to give

sufficient time to save the files from being drowned just before

the towers go down. Out of juice, cut loose they're still around.

For the next round of power that comes around and picks up the

towers, looks like they're made up ground. Around and around the

PC towers come up and go down.





Alan entered James office.



Alan: "Hi, James. I see you fixed up John's account. Did you

report his breach of security to the manager or was he out?"



James: "No, I've decided to forgive the man, this time Alan."





Alan: "Pity. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. You've

worked here a long time in this business, haven't you James? How

long did it take you to train, James? My, how quickly the

technology does change, James. Those backups must be a pain."



James: "Yes, I've spent a lot of time building this network

up. I've implemented power failure protection stuff. Even put

disk mirroring on, data protection schemes  switched on. They

work like a dream, and I've even put an alarm on which

automatically arms on, to protect the file server from thieves."



Alan: "Oh, how does that alarm work?"



James: "Well in my original training, I was as an electronic

brain, and being quite creative, I found a very neat way

to interface an alarm that's quite innovative. It involves the

fact that both the frames on the power plugs and data port

frames, are electrically connected and just the same.  By

plugging in a cable to each of these, in front of me a loop was

seized. It's true as long as the mains remained plugged in then

the loop is closed on each of it's pins.  So if I inserted an

alarm in the loop, a thief unpluging a cable breaks the hoop,

triggering the alarm with a hell of a hoot and a call.  The alarm

can trigger a security phone set that dials back slyly and plays

back a message, that the fileservers been snatched from the data

centre.



I've used a relay alarm and modified a cheap phone, taped to a

 tape cassette brought from home to perform the rest. Pretty low

tech, but it does the job the best. The recorder has an endless

loop, audio, cassette tape to move sending messaging, two rooms

away that would give the thieves game away.  PC theft in the

Central District is abysmal, I want to make it extremely

difficult. To an ignorant, thief the fileserver would look just

like another PC.  The fileserver's too valuable, to lose from our

company. I've grown fond of the beast. I've spent many hours

setting up it, and don't relish the idea of parting with it.

Can't you agree."



Alan: "You've done well then, and you have a good

relationship with the boss men. I'm thinking of leaving, if

John doesn't stop breathing, down my neck. You know he said we'd

be the first people he'd suspect, if anything goes wrong, in his

audit check."



James: "Oh really. Well I've got an idea that might perk you

up Alan."



Alan: "It'll have to be good one, to perk me up."



James: "I'll change John's password back to jerk. If he doesn't

like it, tell him the manager director will hear of his little,

security breach.  I have the power to teach, him a lesson for his

indiscretion.  We won't have anymore trouble from him for a

while."



Alan: "That sounds great James, sounds like fun and games,

tomorrow.  I feel better already."



James: "Remember pass the word. John's a jerk. See you

tomorrow."



Alan held his thumbs up to show his approval.



Management thought, they had done well in providing a disk

mirrored tower, with uninterruptable power, plus a burglar alarm,

but this was all useless in the event of a fire. If a set of

backup tapes were kept off site, everything would have been

alright. But no one gave much thought to just how dependent they

were on a mere $300 worth of tapes, stored in a place that was

essentially unsafe.



                     Chapter 2



Back in the USA on television the news announcer spoke with

derision.



Reporter: "In the USA, there has been a bitter battle

between criminal organizations over the new legislation,

aimed at dismantling the illegal drug trade across the

nation.  We cross to Los Angeles to Tracy Mann for an

exclusive interview with Senator John Sands."





Tracy: "Thank you Vince. Now what is your opinion of the

recent decision to changes our drug laws Senator?"



Senator: "Since making illegal drugs legal, and giving away

free needles, theft's dropped by an incredible 85%.  Street

violence is down by 70%. The spread of AIDS through infected

needles, is down by an amazing 99%. It was a difficult

battle to changing attitudes. The mob have tried, bribing

several politicians too, to stop the changes from getting

through.  But three of our Senators, have had children fall

victims to heroin addictions true. So they honorably resisted

temptation to line their pockets with pay cheques persuasion

now they're heroins too.  The mob regretfully ordered the

assassination of senators of our nation.  They  succeeded in

murdering one at a station, we're suing the red guards for

failing to protect the subway on that occasion, the Senator

prided himself on using public transport daily you see,

they're counter suing for failing to sponsor their team.  The

murder had the opposite effect intended.  The public support

then mended, the sickness of the illegal drug trade ended.

Marches and demonstrations followed, and election time is

nearly tomorrow, so we've ensured that the legislation was

passed through.  Once passed, honest politicians could sleep,

knowing the mob had nothing to reap.  They knew further

violence would find, a major crack down on crime, they've left

us alone for a time."



Tracy: "So in fact the plight of the children of your fellow

politicians, has helped topple the great drug empire of the

Brazilians. They've stopped making millions from pill tons."



Senator: "Yes, the hard lessons of prohibition, of the

twenties led to the trillions, the rise of the Brazilian

drug lords village some seventy years later or more."



Tracy: "Thank you Senator. You heard the score on world wide

eagle eye, network news."



The politicians make all the decisions. The civilians, pay the

Sicilians, who pay the Brazilians who are making millions.

Mysteriously they all are LANs, men who behave like robot

man, use and abuse of Jesus' lambs. If they knew what was

around the bend, they would ask for forgiveness then. They say

they'll never make the wrong decision. They say they'll never

use a syringe again, they say they'll never kill again, they

say they'll never sell pills again. They pray they'll never

sin again, so that they may live again. Jesus Christ forgives

them, casts out Devil's within them.  Jesus washes their sins

away, makes them fit to live again. The Lord of lords,

is lord of drug lords, lord of LAN lords, Lord of landlords.

They're all lords who worship the Lord. What about warlords,

if they put down their swords and worship the Lord.  Jesus

will live in them and they will live again.



The STARDUST appeared in a Massachusetts field, and Dr.  Hoo

put his feet on soil once more. He entered M.I.T. and visited

a professor, the best in his field.  Pennington, was a

Scottish professor who had been part of the brain drain to

America.



Dr. Hoo: "Dr. Pennington I presume. I'm Doctor Hoo how do

you do. I'm an old acquaintance from Head in burrow (

Edinburgh).  I'm in need of your help, and I'm in a hurry."



Pennington: "Doctor Hoo? Good lord it's been a long time,

since I last saw you, you old black cat. I like your apparel.

Are you still master of time travel."



Dr. Hoo: "Can a leopard change his spots, I've been black and

I've been white and various shades of grey in between. I've

got yellow and reds to go through next life, but for now I'm a

man.  Yes quite a long time travelled professor.  You must

listen to me.  The world is in great danger of computer

viruses, damaging important computer installations in each

nation.  I have some theories for you to discuss with me, to

avoid some future catastrophes.  The world is in imminent

danger of evil hackers, damaging the earth's missile

stashes."



The professor who was old and white, was wearing baggy

clothes, a cardigan, and bow tie.



Pennington: "How can I be of help to you, Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "Computer hackers are even more dangerous than the

drug crazed junkies, of the fallen drug empire, they're

making me jumpy.  Many people think of druggies as dumb,

desperates with guns.  Who'd blow you away, just for fun.

They're violent, and mean, vandals and thieves, making money

from the drugs they're running.  But most of these traits go

beyond these things, and apply just as much to the computer

hacker kings.  Hackers use quite sophisticated skills, to

break in to computer systems, to damage data, just for the

thrill.  True vandals to the core, they plan to score rich

rewards they're hands are in the computers tills.  There's the

virus writers, who are graffiti artists, leaving their marks

all over computer disks.  They seem to enjoy writing slogans,

that pops up little omens like, `Your computer is stoned!.'

though they don't smoke dope, your computer is under the

influence of an illegal substance called a Mayor he won aghhh

( Marijuana ) virus program which takes over disks town.

Whether they be dumb or brain, vandalism is the same

old game, they play all on their own each day.



Viruses are programs written which infest your files, and

multiply like organisms on the fly. When that software runs

they do ride, rodeo style, waiting for a trigger event

trial.  They carry time bombs, on a Trojan horse.  They

attack when a trigger event, takes it's course.  It could be

the date, or a keyboard press , or simply hooked to the

systems memory address. They flash a message on the screen,

alter files so they're never seen, or corrupt vital data and

damage a disk.  In any case they're a security risk.  Virus

programs are becoming sophisticated.  Menu driven, viruses

easily created. You could select the virus that you require,

from a series of questions that inquire, what do you desire.

It won't be the file's Messiah,  it'll be a file crucifier.

Without any skills, even a dill can put together a virus for

a kill.  They even have a virus part, that effects your sound

cards heart, and make your computer talk. It turns your

power horse in to a talking horse that says, `I am Mr. Ed,

have you ever heard of a talking Trojan horse well listen to

this. Who ever heard of a talking Trojan horse, a famous

talking Trojan horse, I am Mr. Ed. ' Thank God that it just

talks, and doesn't make your computer walk.  Of course you

could tie your Trojan horse to your desk, then you know you've

installed Corel Draw, but usually this means it suddenly

becomes a challenge to a thief who then goes out of his way to

steal your computer to show how clever he is.



I've come to you to describe how viruses can be solved.  If

all major software developers evolved, a set of software

procedures, that could be standardized, and included in all

executable files. That could counteract a virus attack.  The

scheme called the self-healing file system, works something

like this one.  The file uses several different file

checking systems, plus auto rebuild algorithms.  Every block

does checksum checks, which are used to check the files

checksum check.  Embedded in the file would be an encrypted,

file. In event of virus infection, the checksums would

unwind, and resurrect the damaged file.  Self correcting,

self directing, at self heal time, it unpeals that file.

The virus is killed, the file survives, this is the lesson

of the self healing file.  The self healing files are large

in size, but the size of hard disks is on the rise, new

systems are evolving all the time.  If the file fails to

heal, it could self destruct, from hashes to hashes, to bits

of iron dust. It's better off dead than causing a lot of

fuss. All riding on your PC's bus. Can't let a Trojan horse do

the driving there's no way your files will survive the

following crash.





The hackers' damage to file systems, is costing billions of

dollars, to fix them.  Repairing data loss, adds to the

final cost, with lot's of time lost then. A defense system

would be dangerously unreliable, if it's files were in the

viral spiral. Yes it can even effect the temple of boom.

With the self-healing files, the file infected, would become

detected and would be corrected.  The system would be

disinfected, and would be fixed, directly, pretty soon. Thus

we'd survive the attack of the virus goons."



Pennington: "Very believable, and sounds very feasible."



Dr. Hoo: "Then there's the worm writers who write software

surprises, that replicates themselves in a multitasking

brain.  Each copy becomes, a self executing clone of it's

own. They clog the networks with garbage that grows, and

grows and grows. Like a tip truck of junk in a mainframe.

they clog the systems main drain. A data storm happens,

eventually, and brings the whole network system to it's

knees.  The Internet Worm is one of these.  This worm

exploited a common bug you see.  It enabled it to rise, and

the slug grew wider and wider, in the internet wires.  Then

surprise, surprise the network dies.  This is the lesson of

the computer worms slide.  Slugged by a swallowed worm that

wriggled and squirmed, enjoying the ride.



It caused nearly 3000 UNIX based servers to be infested.

It did no damage to files, with the worm it digested, and

wasted systems' time, by clogging the system, with junk data

slime.  It is estimated that it took 8000 man hours, to

cleanse the UNIX towers of this slime.  As your in no doubt

aware, the internet is the network, that links all the

worlds defense, scientific and educational institutions, for

mutual execution of their solutions to revolutions,

evolution, and what ever they choose to do, with them."





Pennington: "Yes Doctor it is true the growth rate of

viruses and worms, leaves a damage bill we don't deserve,

the Government are most upset.  It's considered a major

National Security threat.  They've issued the Computer

Emergency Response Team, to streamline legislation, it

seems, against computer abuse.  Penalties are high, but

what's the use?"



Dr. Hoo: "True Professor and I'm also here to tell you,

worms could be controlled in UNIX systems, by running self

executing daemons, which are on a mission, that scour

through file systems counting files. If more than a certain

number of file copies  were advised, it would automatically

delete those files on the fly. If more copies started to

appear, it would advise, the Superuser guy, that a worms on

the rise.  A second daemon could scour through the systems,

checking for identical files clogging up the system,

masquerading as other guys, and count the number of

duplicate files.  It too, could detect the worm, and flag

the Superuser, of the worms return, and a worms on the rise.

The daemons are a couple of good guys excorcising files,

before they travel miles and miles, multiplying their vile

files.



It's imperative for security, that the worm problem is

resolved for, prosperity.  The enemies of your government,

could introduce a worm, that seizes the network, and brings

it to it's knees.  Your defense systems then would be

as useful, as a nuclear freeze, your missiles would never get

off the ground especially if the air ways were jammed, with

a radio frequency pan as part of the enemies plan."



Pennington: "Where did you find so much about how worms, and

viruses in computer systems work, Doctor."



Dr Hoo: "They've been around as long as intelligent life,

tinkering with artificial intelligence right. The anti-worm

procedures are well established in the my galaxy thesis, I

had a robotic dog model K-9 once. It caught a bad case of

worms after lunch, that brought it to a snails pace.  I had

to replace it's entire memory, interface, to cure it of it's

fate. It's a typical problem, all time lords seal, in our

day to day, business deals."



Pennington: "Why is it so important, to tackle these

problems, time lord?"



Dr. Hoo: "Organized crims, and terrorists kin, are moving

into internetworking. Computer vandalism, corruption, and

fraud, are going to be major headaches, all over the world.

The mob have global connections, who are highly organized.

They've decided to take hackers, and computer addicts, for a

ride. There's new empire in their mind's eye, on the rise.

The drug lords bored with the drug empire fall, they plan to

be LAN lords, they plan to own it all, they'll infiltrate the

banks and perpetrate fraud.



They already have a stranglehold on the computer, black

market.  They are currently organizing Australia as their

target, and this is typical of what is happening on a

world wide scale, and none of them seem to be going to jail.

The theft of computers, in the Central business district,

more than $19.5 million worth of PC's went missing.  From

over 600 businesses they vanished in to air, and the

robberies have a professional flair.  No sign of forced

entry, to be seen, it did not seem to matter if the computer

was seen near the door, or in the darkest corner on the

floor, they all seemed easy to score.  The markings of

organized crime, is staring you in eyes, and stares you in

the face, the marks, who bought the goods, are a big

disgrace.  It is the money that they bring, keeps the mob

accountant counting for their sins of the LAN lord kings

advancing.  The mob don't give a damn if it's drugs, or

hacking, as long as the money keeps stacking.  It's power,

and wealth they're thirsting for, a perfect score and an

easy win. This is the plan of the LAN lord kings."



Pennington: "I see, but how are they getting away with it?"



Dr. Hoo: "The mob have control of most city cleaning

services, they are attracted to them like detergent to

water.  Grease ball money laundering, and cleaning go hand in

hand, and the mob clean up most of the town.  Through cut

throat thuggery, the mob had earned a major hold on the

cleaning firms.  They've burned the opposition down, thrown

them all out of town I guess you could say they own this town.

In some cases they subsidize the cleaning charges.

Particularly now times are hard on you, the lure of a cheap

deal, is hard to refuse when you ask yourself, where's my next

meal, and don't give me any recession spiel.



The reason the mob are keen to control the cleaners, is

because they have access to keys, yeah. Keys to almost any

room in any building to be seen, yeah.  The cleaners are

instructed to turn a blind eye, as teams of thieves arrive

on site.  The head cleaner proceeded, unlocking all doors on

every floor ahead of the hoard. Most of the cleaners are

unaware of what is happening.  They are too busy

yacking, to notice what was happening, on the floor below.

The technique is to start cleaners off at ground level, then

as they progress up another level, the thieves would move

like the Devil, one floor below, and progressively throw

computers into carts.  They'd take them around the back lane

yards, and they were never coming back.  Not all at once,

but over a period of weeks.  They'd clean out every PC like

sneaks.  They even go into your lavatory and sneak a pea,

see.  Crucial to their scheme was to eliminate the need, for

forced entry.  The fewer people that knew what was

happening, the more secure was the snatching.  While the

cleaners cleaned the floors, the mob were busy rounding up a

hoard of goods they'd scored."



Pennington: "Sounds like a very professional operation

Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "Yes, Pennington, much of this illicit trade of

computers, could have be avoided, if consumer laws were

made, insisted that all computer boards came, with serial

number recorded. If service centres were required, to record

all repaired devices, and must send a list to fraud squad

headquarters. It could be checked against a register of

stolen goods reported."



Pennington: "Yes, Doctor, but how does this tie in, with

viruses, worms, and networking problems."



Dr. Hoo: "In the USA, with the loss of drug running money,

from the changed legislation all over the country, the mob

have taken a new direction.  The mob who are always

erecting new money laundering ventures, are investing

heavily in computer service, centres, who fix faulty towers

for hours and hours. These faulty towers have bezel lamps,

but no Bezel Faulty. They're fizzled and frazzled but they're

ain't no Basil Faulties, their whole operation is run by the

big mob boss named John Fleece, who is a master thief.



With the boom in local area networking, they have also

invested heavily in LAN installer, consultancies. They plan

to assault the industry with a LAN slide victory code named

hAVe A LAN CHEeap, an avalanche heap."



Pennington: "Yes, but how is this a major security risk,

Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "They are feeling very greedy, and have seen a

program called Net Hack, that steals passwords behind your

back.  They have control of the computer junkies, now with

passwords for free, it's easy money they were feeling really

lucky, for every days Xmas day for the mob it seems.  They

have a Net Hack stack for every  LAN brand, and Lanturn sits

on top of the stack.  They see the Net Hack as a pick to many

doors, to lots of goodies, to pick up what's more.  Through

that doorway is valuable data, to further the aims of the

hacker's pool of traders, and their ain't any alligators to

consume these invaders.  They theoretically could gain control

of the earth.  The earth is run by networks of course, that

surround it's girth all over it's surface with tentacles of

cables called telephone and data lines jerk."



Pennington: "This is serious, Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "The mob have successfully sabotaged, several

accounting firms' systems. Through their cleaning service

supervision, they were able to enter fileserver rooms, run

Net Hack, to remove the passwords.  Most companies don't

have a data recovery plan up, so are unfortunate for them

are sitting ducks. Mission critical, with no place to go.

Easy targets, easy to blow. They steal all the backup tapes,

then sit back and wait, for the company to break, and fold

at it's knees.  The company would then be bought out yeah,

at bargain prices they don't care. Their eager to please,

and the mob's buying these.  Interestingly, the Network

supervisor is usually blamed. They've framed him with a

mainframe hacked up and he's the main blame, he's usually

pretty tame. You'd have to have the patience of a saint and be

a masochist to work on a network mate."





Pennington: "That's disgusting Doctor, things couldn't get

much worse."



Dr. Hoo: "I'm afraid it can, Pennington. The mob have also

weaseled into consultancies, to help companies', networks

receive their thieves.  They tempt them with utilities, bug

fixes, and advise for free.  Other ploys are free for all

advise on, network security, plus a system, test for free.

Their LAN analysis is a dressed up version of Net Hack,

stealing passwords and that's a fact.  They'll gladly write

reports on your networks flaws, when they can get their paws

on where your passwords stored."



Pennington: "What are the mob up to Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "The mob through their cleaning service operations,

don't need much persuasion, to sabotage your company for a

competitive edge.  Sometimes they peeked inside, important

financial files, to find money movements and their address.

This was to facilitate their armed robbery, heads to

steal the rest."



Pennington: "What else Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "Another strategy they adopt, is through their

software shops. They commission shrink wrap companies to

reshrink packs they had purposely unwraped.  Their files are

defiled with a virus attack.  Many network sites it seems,

are infected by this scheme.  They use this technique to

feed their consultancy, with more and more clients for their

thieves.  The mob owned consultancies, are able to access

sites, to remove the virus mites, with disks that have

embedded in it, the main Net Hack routines. They pinch the

passwords without a flinch, the scheme they use is such a

cinch.  The mob are broadening their operations, right

across every nation so it seems.



They were in to collecting networks.  So together with their

computer theft, fake network tests, hacking racket, and

virus packets were gaining much strength, in the industry.

Their plan is to globalise network blocks, they wanted to

pull out all the stops, and line their pockets with easy

profits. Their main use of networks, is for pay information.

Information on money, and goods.  Then their hoods would

steal those goods.  They're planning a corporate war that's

the score."



Pennington: "This is terrible, Doctor. How can I help you?"



Dr. Hoo: "By starting to develop the algorithms for self-

healing file systems, and worm defense systems for future

network systems, my boy. The position they are gaining is

past persuasion, it's too late for their eradication.  There

here to stay. I must leave you now, and go to Australia."



Pennington: "What's happening in Australia, Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "The Australian Government, are considering

adapting legislation, as America had done right across the

nation, to dismantle the illegal drug operations. The mob

realized they were doomed, have decided to go with the

computer network boom.  They already have control of the

cleaning services, and the computer black market purses.

They've decided to adopt the approach of subsidizing LAN

retailers, with locally manufactured computers. They know

the Australian Government, would push them through the roof.



Through a clever promotion of their all Australian company,

they had captured a lot of interest publicity.  The Minister

of Industry, Technology and Commerce, was invited to open

their establishment.  He was thrilled to do it, particularly

because there was votes in it.  TV coverage followed, but

little did he know, that the company was a front, so the mob

may grow.  His Government has already being severely

embarrassed, by an International scandal, over students

being harassed over a network hack.  They didn't need egg

on their faces, the incident, involved several Asians at a

popular College, nicknamed Hacker's Haven.  The USA Defense

Department had detected a major break in there, to a defense

system in America somewhere.  With the help of Interpol,

they traced the break in back to the College.



They were able to pinpoint the break in there to three

accounts of Asians there.  The break in was actually

perpetrated by the Soviet agent.  Anyway the three Asian

students were used as stooges, all were wrongly accused, of

spying on the nets.  They'd notified their embassies, and

parents of their arrests.  Well, the three were all from

very rich families who had influence. Three Asian nations

organized an emergency operation.  The Asian Government

heads met next, and decided to ban all Asian students next,

, unless charges raised were dropped like a log.  The fee

for service education , has become a billion dollar

operation to the Australian nation.  The fear of losing this

industry, persuaded the Government to give up on it.  The

proviso that Asian students stay on networks that were not

connected to the Internet.  This was done to protect the

education industry by the education ministry.  Some

professors were upset with the loss of student privileges,

but realized their jobs were on the line, if the Asian's

declined their just typical whinging idiots.



Back in Washington, a report of the hackers break in,

was placed on the President's in tray. A Military Security

Advisor was placed on duty to advise him that day.

It had become obvious the Soviets, were responsible.  They

had downloaded a file it's possible, which was a medium

security, clearance, level 1 document.  It contained

information on the Soviet High Technology Trade Policy.

There were no deep or dark secrets within it, but it

contained new cautionary recommendations in it.  High tech,

equipment trade, with the Soviet bloc, how to stop it.  The

President's advisor recommended they release the document.

So they made immediate press announcements, of the new

guidelines pronouncement.  This was to ensure the Soviet's,

would not feel, their hacking, racketeer, had made any

headway here. The Opposition were concerned that day about

not being briefed, of what it had to say.  They immediately

decided to oppose the new legislation from being passed

anyway. A Presidential election is several months away, they

could see no value in Soviet bashing today, particularly in

view of the downturn in the economy.  They planned to

actively foster trade, now the Soviet's have democracy.  The

effect of this announcement has riled the Soviet Government,

because the whole driving force behind glasnost, the tearing

down of the Berlin wall, and the communists' fall, meant their

attempt to foster trade with the West was stalled.

They wished to improve the Soviet economy by introducing new

technology, implementing new internetworking topologies

without apologies, they plan to assault the world with new

high tech foods like self slicing salamis, and audio automatic

volume reading vodka bottles, for blind drunks.  Information

dispersal without rehearsals of their new product lines was

vital to them, to gain a competitive edge, with the West.

Without the technology invasion, the whole glasnost experiment

was a failure.



The whole Soviet economic direction, was entirely dependent

on the outcome, of the next US election. The major concern

was the current forecasting, showing the ruling

government would win by a 10% margin.  The Soviet's are

trying to figure out a way to topple them soon."



Pennington: "What's their chances Doctor?"



Doctor: "Very high, that's a fact unless we can catch them

in the act, professor."



Dr. Hoo: "Now my mission in Australia, is to help a friend

of mine,  out of a spot of bother at a future time.  The mob,

now have paved the way for their network operations in

Australia, are ready to target there first victim in

Australia. They are adopting the same techniques they've

developed in the USA.  They have on the top of the list a

Mr. James Fredericks, Network whiz kid of Amax.  They plan

to get rid of him.  It is important I travel to Australia

mate, to warn James Fredericks of his fate.



Remember what I've shown you, and be, very discreet.  If the

mob, or KGB find out that you've seen me, your life could be

in jeopardy."



Pennington: "How can you be so sure of your information,

Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "It's strange but the information seems to float

into my head, as though it's all happened ahead of me. I'm

sure It's being fed to me, from a mysterious source, in the

universe, and I have total faith in it's reliability.  I've

got a gut feeling it's for our prosperity but most of all for

my longevity, my Mistress sent me, and I dare not disobey her.

She's a powerful witch."





Pennington: "I have faith in your integrity. Good luck, I

hope to see you again when things are fixed up. Huh, huh so

your under a woman's thumb Hoo."



Dr. Hoo: "Yes alas yes, can't live with them. Can't live

without them, you will see me again."



He then returned to the field and entered the STARDUST once

more, and took off for Australian soil.



(Choir: The big wheel of the mob does run free. They vandal,

and steal, like a druggy's deal.  They shalt not thirst, so

they steal your purse. The drugs and the steal are a curse,

curse, curse.  Thou shalt not curse.  Cursee, cursee curse.

Because every thing is good in God's universe.  God does a

deal to deliver you from evil.  He'll lift you up just like

an eagle.  So even if your deaf as a post, post, post.  The

deal is the gift of the Holy Ghost.  They forgive their

brother, but not you and me.  For they won't betray their

own family. They wormed and stole from the corporate sector,

till they owned a hectare, and another disk sector.  Every

sector was honey and nectar.  For making money to build

another Mecca.  They worshiped the Devil of the LAN, you

see.  Who gave them the power, to conquer you and me. The

Double up, double up, double up ee dee, they doubled the

wealth of their family. Gave them much wealth for they were

gree-eedy.  The bosses were very greedy thieves you see, so

they short changed the cleaners, for their profits you see.

The cleaners gave in to the mob, for free.  Bosses betrayed

by the, cleaners unhappy. Lord, Lord, what a blow.  The

world looks for vengeance so. Woe, woe, they don't know.

The Devil's duped them so, so so.)






                       Chapter 3



Back at Amax, James was having a discussion with his

assistant, during his break.



Angela: "James, what do you think of all of our tycoons going

bust, and the state of our economy, the money they rost?"



James: "Well Angela, where is all the money's going to in our

community?  Business tycoons are going bankrupt true,

employers stopping your pay from going up, and still demanding

production goes up, up up. We have a 2 billion, dollar

National debt.  I have a favorite theory inside my head.  The

banks get richer and richer with what you invest, the rest of

us get poorer like the rest.  Take software errors for an

sample case.  From every transaction that a bank does make.

Fractional money left over in calculations, would be allocated

to the banks operations, not to yours or my account.  If say

an interest calculation yielded .9 cents.  The bank round the

calculation down, down down, and not up to 1 cent, they round

and round.  The .9 cents has not gone away, zero cents has

come our way, but the bank takes away .9 cents hey hey, and so

it goes on another day.  Say another interest calculation

leaves .9 cents.  The bank has now accrued a total of 1.8

cents, and allocated zero cents again and again. Many billions

of transactions, go on each year, billions of dollars are

creamed off it's clear.



Banks profits, actually get larger every year, the margin gets

larger and larger it's clear.  Corporations, and individuals

profits get less.  The banks are the largest spenders on Info-

Tech.  They are self regulating in their own software, and

because of this may be unfair yeah.  Their tipping the

balances a little more in their favor each year, than us

savers can ever hope to clear.  Even after the 1987 Wall

Street crash, some banks profits were still quite a high

stack.  They upped surcharges on automatic tellers to show

there very generous fellows.  This shows the extent of their

need for greed.



Anyway theoretically all the banks will end up with all the

money.  I'll be dressed in rags knocking on old man Scrooge's

door cold and hungry.  Please Mr. Scrooge can I have some

money, and he'll say I can't give you any money but here is a

PIN number for an account to punch in that wall. And I'll say

what good will that do me, you've got it bloody all, now you

want me to go crucify a wall. Stick pins in your own bloody

wall after all you own them all. It's modern silicone gamblers

witchcraft game of voodoo. You stick a PIN in the wall, and it

give you back lots of doll-aghhhhs."



James looked up at Angela, to see her skeptical tears.  He

finished his discussion, it was falling on deaf ears.



Angela: "You'll have to stop whinging James, I know your a

Pommy import mate, but If you don't ease up you wag, I'll

stick you in a mail bag, and stamp your forehead 'reject,

man who hates PINS but still manages to get under your skin.'"



James laughed.



James: "How big do you think my head is."



Angela: "It's pretty big I think it's connected directly to

your dick. Your a dick head, thick wit."



James: "Your just plain jealous. I don't think you can send a

man by mail Angela, ask the mailman.  Maybe you enjoy being

screwed by the banks, but I don't mam. They'll all end up

being owned by Japan."



Angela: "Agghhhhhh. Why do you pomms whinge so much? ( She

screamed ) We're just consume-owe rest-lures sucking you lazy

sods dry."


James: "Well Angela, if you knew that your ancestor's had sent

all your convict dropouts to an island paradise like

Australia, and then were forced to sit through 2000 episodes

of that Oz-trailin' soap opera called Neighbour's to remind you

of it, you too would have something to whinge about.  Old habits

die hard, young lady."



Angela: "You have a point there, but your driving me crazy."



James: " Angela, you know love, getting married would fix your

problem, right up."



Angela: "James it would have to be to someone I can push

around."



James: "You mean a quadraplegic."



Angela: " Hah, hah, very funny. I've had enough of you for one

day.  So if you excuse me, I'm going away for a breath of fresh

air."



James: "You mean a smoke, that won't make the air very fresh."

Hey Angela you've reminded me of a joke I heard.  There's

this eighty five year, old spinster who went to a marriage

agency looking for a husband. After filling out all the forms

she had an interview with the agency's clerk.



The clerk said " Madam you've left it a bit late in life to

be looking for a husband, but we'll see what we can do for

you.  What sought of man are you looking for?"



The old spinster said " I'm looking for a nice, young bloke,

you know a real stayer who would like to burn some rubber

with me.  I've never spent the night with a man before, so

I've got a lot of catching up to do. "



The clerk said " Mmmmm I see, let me check our records."



A few minutes later he said "I'm afraid there's only one

young man on our books who fits your description, but I can

give you a 100% guarantee he can stay for hours."



The spinster said " Good I'll take him. One question though

what's wrong with him? "



The clerk answered " One minor problem, he's a quadraplegic."



The spinster yelled " Don't be stupid that's not what I came

in here for. Look at my form."



The clerk said " But madam on your form you firmly stated

that you were looking for a nice, young bloke you could push

around, burn rubber with, and whose guaranteed to stay for

hours."



The spinster said " Alright then, when is he due for his next

retread?"



The clerk said "At about 100k's"



The spinster said " Ok, I'm prepared to settle with someone

just to share meals on wheels with. I'll take him." Huh, huh,

huh, hah. "



She slammed the door. He threw the paper plane he'd just made,

across the room.





Meanwhile the STARDUST landed in a paddock, and Dr. Hoo

visited Doctor Stanton at the radical Computer, Crime,

Research Institute.



Dr. Hoo: "Good morning, Doctor Stanton. I'm Doctor Hoo. I've

got some rather interesting ideas for you."



Stanton: "Good morning, I'm all lears, I mean ears."



Dr. Hoo: "Well Doctor Stanton, I thought you were just a

keen mousekateer, I hope your ears are attached to your

brain, or is it just a wind tunnel? Are you aware organized crime

is on the rise again?



Stanton: "It's always on the rise like my eyes onto your

thighs, my your a handsome guy."



Doctor: Well you little faggot, I'll box you around your ears

until you shed tears, if you don't stop leering. There's

something you should know. I've reason to believe the aim of

the mob, is to utilize the lack of Government stops, to gain

control of the software toffs. They are currently in America

using money, and thugs, to force software developers to

deliberately include bugs.  This is creepy crawlies that shell

out to operating systems, creeping past operator security

restrictions.  Thus they can gobble data, and leave gaping

security holes.  They build a nest in programs, financial,

inventory, and asset data.  If software had to be searched for

these bugs, the problem would be snipped right in the bud."



Stanton: "That's very interesting Doctor, I'm a bit of a

horticulturist, you should come up to my home and see my

garden."





Dr. Hoo: "Not likely, for a horticulturist your a bit of a

whore and a culture wrist, and limp as a lettuce at that I

wouldn't be seen dead in your gahhh-den bed. I'm a bit of a

homophobic it's good for my health, saves heaps of money on AIDS

tests, so give it a rest. The mob are sponsoring, talented

hackers, to develop hacker algorithms.  They have developed a set

of software routines, in menu driven format see, to make the

break in procedure clean.  Sought of like a lock pick, for LAN's.

You may say what's the use man, but the Government needs heavier

penalties to cut loose this abuse of LANs. Why are you drumming

your fingers."



Stanton: "I'm playing an allegro rhythm. I'm quite cultured I'm

very good with my hands. I play the piano you know?"



Dr. Hoo: "That's not all your playing with by the looks of

things. Your organization could help stamp out major fraud, by

introducing new AUDITOR SERVERS, that record the attempt of a

fraud.  You may have noticed database servers, are earning

lots of attention, they deserve.  The AUDITOR SQL servers are

based on these, and could be targeted for Government needs. As

exports they would, make your centre millions.  These servers

are designed to be installed into corporation buildings own

LANs, but to be singly, and independently supervised by the

Taxation man.  Any tampering with it via legislation, may

bring heavy penalties on these corporations.  SQL technology

is reliable, and requires minimal supervising.  The theory of

operation, is surviving.  When an inquiry from the company's

server come through, the AUDITOR server would records them

too.  It is programmed to look for data for the server yes,

and copy these to itself, self .  It has a complete mirror

image of the all accounting transactions.  But with one vital

difference, it's bullet proof from hacking, no deleting

allowed it seems, all it's data squeaky clean. It is thus

impossible to hide, or fudge any transactions from it's eyes.

It has an artificial intelligence, knowledge base system for

action.  A complete, history is available, of transactions.

Every entry is seen, to compare against the companies'

records, see.  Submit to taxation.  The Taxation man take some

action, to trace the Tax evasion, through legislation, and the

fraud squad use it's data for persuasion.  Submit to taxation.

It provides vital statistics and is used to fix it. Taxation

loop holes can't trick them.  This means updating legislation,

and closing loop holes, can be remarkably swift, like a kick

up the rift.  The money saved in Tax collection, would exceed

the servers erection.  Inflate the tax, submit to the tax.

This is the message of the auditor Generals, server. It's not

a pimp, nor a thrump in the hay, but it makes sure the user

pays his way.  It's not a data pump, but a tower of power,

that makes things sour day by day, hour by hour. In it's

data sponge way, it keeps thieves at bay, to keep them honest

all of the day. Taxation server, the world deserves you.

Beaten by an all powerful machine. The Auditor server is what

you need.  Guaranteed to keep them straight and clean."





Stanton: "Auditor server how do you spell it. Is it an ear

piece for LANs, you know I've really got a nice set of

headphones. Would you like to listen to some music."



Dr. Hoo: "I don't know why I bother with you. Yes, well the

problem is, the AUDITOR SERVER technology has caught the eye

of the mob's, financial advisors. The mob quickly bought up

the designers' company, and buried the technology. That will

be short lived though, for I know a hacker industrial,

espionage agent stole, the AUDITOR Server, workstation, and

sold it to a very large corporation.  The mob sued the

corporation, but decided to settle the situation out of court.

They feared the Supreme court in the USA may show bias against

them, because of the Government's own Tax greedy intentions.

To protect your countries' economy, I urge you to act swiftly,

and buy up these. They're state of the art technology They

will make your tax man's life a dream."



Stanton: "Woe. I don't want any legal wrangles. I've got a

really nice American music collection though. Would you like

to hear some, my favorite is Liberace?"



Dr. Hoo: "I'm a time lord, and get about a lot, but I've never

before come across such a blundering idiot. I don't care how

liberated your arse is, I invented the AUDITOR Server, it's tops.

I would hate to try and sell you a car. I'd have better luck

selling you the car radio and giving away the car as an add

on accessory to park your said-an-entry ( sedentary ) arse in, I

pass."



Stanton: "That sounds good enough for me."



Dr. Hoo: "I should think it would. By the way is that a pimple

on your forehead or your lobotomy scar? I try to teach you a

little about earth security, and all you give a stuff about is

satisfying your arse."



Back at Amax, after tea break, James received a nice little

present in the mail take. The All Australian Network Emporium

was written, in the top corner of the package's front.



James: "This looks pretty good, a pressie!"



Excited, he tore the envelope open, to find a nicely, labeled

shrink wrapped diskette enclosed. Stamped on the diskette was-

`Virus Free. Checked out OK it's clean.' Printed on the label

was- `Viroblit, Virus Scan Utility - Network Version.' A note

was inside, and he read it out loud.



James: "Thank you for visiting our stand, at the recent

Lanturn User's conference, man.  Please find enclosed, your

free gift, as a promotional offer, not to be missed.  Signed

Marketing Manager of A. A. N. E."



He looked at a printed booklet which was inside.  The booklet,

described, how to do an install of the Network kind.  It

gave information about their free virus advisory line. It

included a hotline you can ring anytime. He usually was very

careful but run the software, untested you see. He thought, a

virus tester software, would be have to be clean. He decided

to boldly install it straight on the network.  He then typed

viroblit, as the instructions directed.  The screen

immediately blinked a message, warning- welcome to virus city.

Jerusalem B's sitting pretty.  Suggest expert help, from virus

attack specialist to protect your investment from a further

mess.  The computer beeped continuously it was quarter past

ten.



James: "Gees, my networks been virus attacked. I've never had

a virus crack my network in all my time, I'll ring up the

virus, advisory hotline or maybe send them a FAX. Right now

I'm glad I don't own an axe, I'd chop up net and end up

getting the sack. "



He felt ashamed that he would be blamed for this mishap.

James quickly rang the virus, advisory hotline, to explain the

attack.  The phone was answered by Toni, a high ranking

member of the mob. Toni was rocked, to hear Amax was on the

phone.  He was surprised that the company they'd targeted to

make their own, were actually calling on the phone.  This

truly proved, the effectiveness of their campaign.  He

delivered the following spiel just the same.



Toni: "I see, you just received our viroblit software yeah,

and you're now very virus aware. Yes we understand, you

usually take care.  It happens to the best of us, beware.

Jerusalem B now let me see. I could be there about three."



James: "Shall I test the original disk or give it a miss?"



Toni: "No, viruses are too hot to handle. You best disable

logins until we come around, and round up all floppy disks

until we're around. We don't mean to scare you but you better

isolate the area.  Otherwise you may create hysteria, I hope I

am not scaring you?"



James: "Yes a bit, don't you see I'm in deep shit. The company

can't operate until you fix it."



Toni: "OK how about two, possibly sooner. I'll be in your very

room quite soon.  These viruses are best snipped in the bud

early dude.  We are strictly confidential to.  Your network

will do fine through careful analysis it's true.  It will be

up, and running in no time to just for you. You can trust us

dude, we've never been sued, you'll be pleased you called, us

that we can promise you."



James: "Thanks Toni, I'm glad I phoned you."



James now had to let everybody know he'd slipped up, and put a

virus on the system yo. Some looked dismayed, and others said

`Oh no.' just like the little smurf escapees from Lemmings

sitting on John's desk. He had a full set of little figurines

and a smurf phone to set the scene.




Angela: "A virus, you didn't did you?"



John: "You lazy overpaid imbecilic fool. You of all people

know the rules, scan those disks is the golden rule."



James: "Go play with your smurfs John."



Managing Director: "Jesus, how long will the system be off

line? I was hoping your pay cheque would be out on time."



James: "You mean your pay cheque. I'm not sure. Maybe the rest

of today.  Specialist help is on the way.  I'm very sorry

about your pay."



Suddenly a Freddy Kruger glove grabbed James on the shoulder.



Lana: "I've got a surprise for you James. Your mine."



James: "Gees, Lana you frightened the life out of me. Where

did you get the Freddy Kruger glove."



Lana: "A friend bought it for me at the trick shop. Look it'll

tickle you pink.  Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle."



James: "Let me try it on."



Lana: "You look like Jose' Feliciano where's your guitar. Your

nails need a trim. ( She grabs his scissors. ) Snip, snip,

snip only tricking yuh, star."



James: "Look. Back, ( He points behind. ) Freddy's hat. Leave

the glove alone.  Huh ha only trickin' yuh. I'm not a star I'm

Freddy Kruger. Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.  Your mine."



Lana: "You can keep the glove, you make a better Freddy than

anyone I know. A guy gave it to me as a present after I told

him he was mine. It happens all the time I've got a drawer

full at home. Men don't like being told their owned. I just

like to see the surprised look on there faces. I'm a lady not

a crazy, at least they didn't give me a packet of razors that

would really get me back. I'm not into hair only my care bear

has hair in my home, James."



It was a most embarrassing time for James. Later that day, a

knock on the door, caused James to look up at the door. He

spotted two well dressed, Mediterranean chaps in the doorway

taking off their hats. They introduced themselves with a slap

on his back.



Toni: "Hi I'm Toni, and this is Gino, from A. A. N. E."



James: "Pleased to meet you, two."



James warmly greeted them with a smile.



They were keen to get down to business.



Toni: "We would like to see your server please."



James: "Funny, I've read that viruses are killed on

network devices and not usually observed on servers.

You generally need a workstation to exorcize the vermin from

the server."



To dispel any fears that he might have, they hit him

with all they had.



Toni: "Listen dude we're new players in Australia and we're

offering you a free LAN test, to show you we're the best."



James: "Fair enough, I thought you were only here, about the

virus? Well show us your stuff."



James let them into the server room, and Toni proceeded to

serve the server, with a floppy disk. He pushed the big red

reset button, and after cycling on, PC proceeded to load the

disk. The drives little red light flickered, as the floppy

disk drive spindle jittered, the diagnostic software,

proceeded to test the hardware there. Net Hack software loaded

without a care.  It loaded into memory, and ran unnoticed

there. Stealing the password from James server it seems.  The

master key to the LAN, was now safely in Gino's hands.  The

companies' unfortunate destiny was now hinging on a floppy

disk.





Gino: "James, could you isolate a workstation while I perform

the delicate operation of the cleansing of the disks, with my

finger tips."



While James was doing that, Gino sneakily swapped the infected

Viroblit disk with a clean copy of it. Now the evidence of the

virus source was lost of course. Gino began to scan the disks

on hand until 210 disks passed through his hands, from their

jackets that fitted like a glove, to be read by the disk drive

heads.



Gino: "Dearly gloved ones. We are gathered here today to

receive my blessing, I disinfect you, I disinfect you, I

disinfect you. These are healing hands brother. Seek and thou

shalt find, get your head in line. I'm getting a reading

brother. This disk is divine, no cleansing required. Your disk

missed. One more time your sick brother, you need a healing

hand. In the name of the holy one I disinfect you, your disk

missed. Don't you love these healing hands, healing hands,

healing hands. Don't you love these healing hands glory

Alleluia."



Toni: "James, where are your backup disks, and tapes you've

stored?"



James: "In a nice safe place they're in our safe!"



James who was too trusting for his own good, showed him the

fire proof safe.



Toni: "Good storage area, enough room for a monstereo. I need

those backup tapes, to restore any files, I've deleted because

of viral diseases."





Back at the Institute Dr. Hoo continued his astute discussion

with Dr.  Stanton.



Dr. Hoo "Dr. Stanton I'm sure your aware, stolen computer

goods are rarely recovered by the police.  To get a

conviction, you need positive identification of the thieves.

Because most cheap PC clones do not have serial numbers,

stolen goods are rarely recovered.  The Government could make

it easier to get convictions, if it made legislation stiffer

to include serial numbers are firmly glued.  Also that lists

of serial numbers, be passed on to customers. The many hours

used by police, would be decreased, leading to more

convictions, and goods recovery increased.  This would leave

the PC black market starkers.  They might as well have

streaked on the street."



Stanton: "I've always wanted to be a policeman. I wonder how

many streakers they pick up a night? Their job sounds very

nice. You know I've never been invited to a policemans' ball,

it sounds like such fun."



Dr. Hoo: "Your not likely to either, but with you on the job I

don't think they'd have any trouble with streakers as repeat

offenders. The loss in the Central District, of PC's is

deliberate, in the last three years of business, it has been

estimated, that more than 1200 PC's, have been stolen, each

year."





Stanton: "I agree, steps must be made, to stamp out this black

market."



Dr. Hoo: "I didn't know you were racially prejudiced Stanton,

knowing you your still on about streakers. What's a matter are

the black fellas too big for a little bloke like you?"



Stanton: "I don't like licorice or gob stoppers."



Dr. Hoo: "Good, then I'm safe from you, you white honky

donkey he-whore. I'm just a stray black cat."



Stanton: "You know Doctor my troubles started when I was a

little boy. This beautiful little girl named Lana enticed me

to give her a kiss behind the shelter sheds. It changed my

life, from that moment on I wanted to be a woman. All the

other boys ran away from her they were scared of her, but I

wasn't. I adored her. She showed me her dolly Lanabelle, it

was her first love. I guess she was my first love. We played

often together and since then I became one of them faggots

Doctor. I understand now why boys don't like to play with

girls until they've grown up to be men."



Dr. Hoo: "I think I know that little girl well, she's doing

really swell though she's given up her doll Lanabelle, she's

still making life for men hell. I love her just the same

Stanton, enough sentimental romancing, but you got drunk on

female hormones when too young, I guess you were an under

age whore moan, drinker Stanton, it's turned you in to a raging

queen."



Back at AMAX, Toni had now removed all infected files, and was

almost ready to fly.



Toni: "Do you keep any backups, off site?."



James: "No!  Do you think we should?."



Toni: "No. By the way I see your servers' configured for UNIX.

I've got trigger fingers dude. I'm ready to shoot,  If you log

in as root, and mount the server, we'll test the UNIX system

proudly.  So boot it dude."



James: "OK."



So he did his login.



Toni: "Everything looks fine . UNIX is on the fly, so easy to

muck up, unless your a stuck up guru, dude."



James: "Yes, It's not my love, either."



James unwittingly had his UNIX password pinched from his

system, via Net Hack unbinding the network stack.



Toni: "The restore session is finally over James. We're off to

party dude. I guess we'll be off our brains shortly sniffing

cocaine."



The three gentleman walked to the door, and exchanged business

cards next door.



James: "Thanks from the bottom of his heart for you helped me

pick up the cart, right. Zzzzzzzzz."



He dozed off on his feet, he had taken a sedative. He had a

daydream about them having a password bonanza in their hands.

Again a Bonanza in the stanza.  There's Ben Cartright coming

around the bend riding on a cart, right around the bend. The

parson stands by the pass, cracking the whip as you go past.

And the parson stands there passin' on the word, or haven't

you heard he's parson of the word. So pass your partners

through and through, the passing of the word is getting

through, even Ben Cartwright is passing through.  Is the

parson of the word getting through to you.  The choir boys are

busy rounding up the herd, havn't you heard he's the parson of

the word. When all of his word has got through to you, then

the parson knows he's through.  Then he'll ride in the cart

like you and me, the parsons in the cart riding with you and

me.  Suddenly Ben takes on a new shape, his cape reveals a red

striped skivvy, and a hand gloved with finger blades scraping

down the side of parsons cape.



Freddy: "Ben is mine, ha, ha ha."



A girl on the cart is close to the parson's heart.



Girl: "Oh God, why not take me Freddy, instead."



Freddy: "Shutup bitch, this is God."



He held up his hand high, while pointing at his clattering

knives. Freddy looked at James with his face like a pizza,

that says hey I'd love to eat yuh, and called James by name.



"James, come on get up on the cart. Get up, get up. I've got

some tarts for yuh. The cart of the Lord's turned into a cart

full of whores. heh, heh, heh. Hah-lots heh, heh, heh."



He was poking the finger knives in James side.



Toni: "James wake up, wake up."



Toni was prodding the guy hard in the side.



James: "Oh sorry Freddy, I must have been day dreaming. I

appreciate your help very much, gentlemen".



Toni: "Love the glove. Hi I'm Toni, not Freddy your eye lids

look heavy dude."



James: "Sorry I'm woozy. I'd be glad to give you, business

anytime."



Gino: "Yeah right, dude. See you later."



They parted from James, and Gino and Toni laughed.



Gino: "Little does that sucker know, that he has already

given away the Business this very afternoon dude, for the

cleaners have the keys to the door, and we have scored his

password.  Haw, haw, haw."



Toni: "Haw, haw, haw, yes we've done well this afternoon, old

son.  The first step towards our new Aussie empire has begun.

He called me Freddy, he's friendly but with half a brain he'd

be deadly. Let's go have some pizza, and pasta.  Pass the word

I changed the suckers password to jerk.  Ha, ha, ha.  His work

is full of jerks.  There's this guy John who asked if I could

change his log in to smurfs instead of jerk.  I said you've

got a problem if you like screwing around with little blue men."



Gino: "So what did he do, jerk off a smurf in front of you.

I've  wondered how the little fellars got white hats. I

suppose that's why their blue in rememembrance of when the

little boys in blue, blew their horn dude. Did he use tweezers

or did he wait for their sneezes, maybe they have two horns dude

which one do they use.  I'd like to blow the little buggars to

pieces.  Let's play Lemmings down at Hemmingway's video shop

until our pizzas are bubbling on top like one of Freddys' mean

faces.  Let's go racing down to Laceys."



Gino drove off at break neck speed he couldn't wait to give

his face a feed. They burned the opposition off at the lights

as far as he was concerned he was driving Black Knight's Kit

faster than green lights could flick.



They went into Hemmingway's video shop and played Lemmings.



Gino: "I don't care how low my score is I just like blowing

the little buggars to pieces Toni could you go check our

pizzas."



Toni: "Ok, your obviously in your element torturing Lemmings

as they cry their last lament Oh no. They must be horny little

devil's the first songs the can can. They can't wait to blow."



Gino: "Ha, ha, ha. Dat dat dat da da da Dat, dat dat da da

da.."



Occasionally he set up blockers as bombs and occasionally he

nuked a level he was a devil when it came to playing Lemmings.



Early the next morning as the cleaners were performing,

dusting, vacuuming polishing all to music while cleaning on

their way. I spied their head cleaner going on before them,

opening up doors on every floor for them, with a bright shiny

jingling set of keys.  The head cleaner went over his

instructions carefully.  He said to himself merrily.



Head Cleaner: "I'm quite pleased with my fee, to leave the

computer centre open by me, with a turn of my key, money

earned so easily, and if I see anything unusual, turn a blind

eye to the sky and whistle a merry tune."



He rolled the 5 fifty dollar bills slowly in his hands while

walking along with a broom and a pan.  The rest of the

cleaners sang the following song as they cleaned, with brooms

and vacuum cleaners.



(Cleaner's song: Don't rat on a mate. Don't rat on a mate.

He's on the take. But don't rat on a mate. For He's true

blue too good to be true. He's taken your wife He's in

strife. He's on the take. But don't rat on a mate. For Your

true blue too good to be true.  The rat's got your mate.

He's on the take. But don't rat on your mate. The one you

hate.  For your true blue too good to be true. The man's a

whore. The man's a thorn. You don't hand to the law. The man

your scorn. For your true blue too good to be true. You

went to war. You felt the thorn. You went to warn. To settle

the score.  For your true blue too good to be true.  You

win every time. You win every time. Hammer and tong. You smoke

the bong.  You drink a beer. You sing this song. Your

true blue  too good to be true.  And so are you. And so

are you. Rat a tat tat. Your no biggy rat. That's the one that

I ain't. The one that I ain't. For We're true blue too good

to be true.  Don't rattle my cage, don't rattle my cage.

I won't tell on the rat, that rattled my cage.)





The mob entered the building, and entered James office. Toni

logged in to the AMAX server as a false prophet not the god of

the network but a faker with the authority of the net god.

He was a false prophet, and no one could prevent the damage

to the net that follows his lies.  He picked up Freddy's glove

left on James desk.



Toni: " Hey James I'm Freddy this is God."



He holds his hand up like it were Freddy's and clicks his

fingers together to show he is ready.



Toni: "Net Hack away. It's Judgement day for James, these

files are mine.  I'll delete all accounting records, hah, hah,

hah. All memos, letters and pay. Do you want to play with

Freddy. It's my LAN now who gives a damn.  This weeks invoice

batches go ashes to ashes, All wiped out with single handed

keyboard slashes.  Then I'll just purge all your files, so

they can't ever be revived.  They ain't' ever coming back

they've been hacked. James dreams of Freddy regularly I bet,

he's off his bean well I'm ready Freddy come out come out

wherever you are. I'm not afraid of you.



Freddy: Heh, heh, heh I'm Freddy Kruger you loser, hah, hah,

heh. Toni your mine. To save your soul, do as your told."





This clean cut, respectable looking man turned to a ruthless,

heartless raging demon of a man.  While making animalistic

grunts, and yelps on his knees, he was a raging baboon on

Freddy's team. He grabbed a spray can, and sprayed graffiti on

the wall above James PC.



Freddy: "Paint a demons name or the deals off."



The swirling, hissing paint revealed the name.  666



Freddy: " Now piss off!  Your twisted brain has enjoyed this

twist now pat the fileserver with an open fist and say mine

one more time. Heh, heh, heh."



Toni: "Your mine, heh, heh, heh. It's a great thrill, to

confuse the police who would now be torn between finding a

motive for James, or a raving lunatic.  Heh, heh, heh."



Freddy: "Heh, heh, heh. See you in hell sucker. The deals

off. Whenever your lonely Toni, just call for Freddy."



Toni: "Heavy. I'm not afraid of you Freddy."



Toni flew off the handle completely. He grabbed a monkey

wrench handle, and proceeded to smash glass windows panels of

a mantel. He strewed books, and notes from it from one end to

end, he had completely gone around the bend. Then he threw the

workstation across the room, and smashed a table in two.

Cooling down with perspiration he had finished his operation.

He went over to the server room, and patted the fileserver on

it's side.



Toni: "Your not Freddy's your mine, time for a celebration.

I'll keep the glove. Your mine Freddy I've got yuh glove. Huh,

huh, huh. Mine, one more time, see  Freddy I survived loser."



( Freddy's voice: " I'll be back. )



He then collected all the tapes from the fire proof safe, and

left the building through the fire escape. There with his

minders he joined his driver, in a white limousine with a dark

windscreen that he was wiping.  They skidded off at blinding

speed, feeling very pleased to leave with ear splitting,

squeals, that filled the night air, with the smell of rubbery

fumes, and a motor that thrummed like a sonic booms bloom.





( Computers duped, duped, a virus got through. The AIDS of

the LANs, made by a man, has got through. Lie, steal, lie,

steal, lie still, still. Take it like a man the plunder of

the LAN.  The cleaners are true blue, they look after you.

Bribery, bribery line the pocket too. Stay as dumb as a

cockatoo, as a cock or two. I still take it, cos I'm true

blue. I'm true blue through and through. )








                       Chapter 4





Later that evening, the security officer stumbled on the

Amax break in, and called the head cleaner to the scene.





Security: "Wally, there's quite a mess in this office. Do you

know anything about it?"





Head Cleaner: "No, I'll ask the bloke who cleaned that floor

if he noticed anyone near this door."





He approached the cleaner.





Cleaner: "I didn't see, or hear anything. Everything was fine

when I came in. Must have been kids, look at that 6 6 6.

Heavy metal kings."





Security: "Now, look at that graffiti, maybe it's a computer

code. I'll ring the man at the top, to grant police access to

these."







The manager was rung up by security, and he authorized the

police to visit the scene.



The manager rang a network, security consultant named Neil

Filbert he was known as `Mr. Hacknot', a network prophet who

could stop it, unfortunately the horse had already bolted.



Manager: "Are you Mr. Neil Filbert, the network, security

specialist?"



Neil: "Yes, Mr. Hacknot himself speaking."



Manager: "Could you come out to the company I manage, named

AMAX and untangle the mess.  We've had a hack in.  The police

have been called in. I need your advice, on how to manage our

system, and independently evaluate our position."



Neil: "I'm afraid I can't unravel knots, but I used to hack a

lot. I know all the tricks of the trade. There is the question

of pay, have you anything left to pay me with?"







Manager: "I have a bank account, could I employ you to hack a

few accounts? Your not getting my account number on any

account."





The police arrived at Amax, that night and dusted down the scene,

and pried off hair samples that they'd seen.



Policeman: "No sign of blood. Huh."



He took down notes from the cleaners, about we're they had

been.  The Scottish born detective started to develop theories

of what had been.



Detective: "I immediately suspect theirrrr superrrrvisorrr,

because I'm the wisest detective alive. I say he's devised

this grrrrraffiti, clearrrrly designed to set himself frrrree,

trrrrrying to implement anyone but he. He's not going to get

away from me."



The next morning, they interviewed staff, and they could not

find any mischief except for James and Alan.



Policeman: "James' colleagues seem clean. We've heard

Fredericks has been mouthing off about financial needs,

something about banks being thieves.  I also heard from John,

he deliberately put a virus on.  It's either a deliberate

sabotage for revenge, or an attempt to cover up a fraud, for a

friend. John says Alan and James have been playing password

games. He says he wanted smurf and they kept giving him

Jerk for a password, but then if you met the guy, you'd

understand why."



James appeared very shaken that morning, after he turned up

for work. He was very depressed about the way things were.

He was confronted by a Scottish born detective.



Detective: "James Frederrrrricks, I presume? Come with us, we

have some questions to ask yoo. You've got some explaining to

do.  Have you been coverrrrring up a frrrrraud for Alan?"



James: "No, certainly not."



Detective: "Wherrrre werrrrre yoo, last night?"



James: "I went to bed early, with my wife."



Detective: "Any otherrrr witnesses, otherrrrr than family

members?"



James: "No, my wife, and I aren't accustomed to sharing our

bed with anybody else."



Detective: "I hearrrrrd yoo and Alan are close so don't get

cheeky with me laddy, or we'll be pushin' yourrrrr tongue

right thrrrrrough your cheek.  We've got a bad one here Pete."



The detective was getting angry.



James: "Excuse me, but I've got to check the network, for

damage.  How do you suppose people will manage without it."



Detective: "When we'rrrrre good and rrrrready. You've been bad

laddy."



After a long yarn with the detective who thought he was a

super sleuth from Scotland Yard, James had a look at the

network.



James saw 666 above his desk and thought



James: "Mmmmmmm. I wonder if that's a phone number. Strangers in

the night, taking chances.  With their wives, ringing STD fantasy

lines, what strange romances. Yes it's true. Funny another

daydream."







He dialed 666 and he heard a buzzzzzzzzzzz.  He felt a pain

across his forehead as though marked by a high spirited,

invisible soul of a battered baby seal, writing the name of Jesus

in his scalp.





The phone mysteriously reformed as an  ancient spell had been

cast on it. The phone was red and it came alive it's keypad

looked like-



0 1 2 3

4 5 6 7

8 9 * #



The star was aligned vertically with the number 6 which religious

experts believe is the number of imperfection, the star lying

beneath the 6 represents a fallen angel called 666.  The cross

hatch aligned with the number 7 which represented perfection and

the spell of the cross had already been hatched with the

resurrection of Jesus to heaven. The star has the power to repeat

the last number sequence infinitely, the cross hatch has the

power to cancel that spell.  The phone was a gift from Lana, and

she called the phone Leviathan which is embeded with a subliminal

message Leave I at hand, it's image was the mark of the beast. It

never wants you to hang up because your paying for it's time with

the essence of your soul.  It has the shape of a seven headed

dragon and the head set is a semi-naked woman dressed in scarlet

and purple lying across the beast's back in a drunken state. The

woman is an iron hand maiden, she is a hand set whose spiral

cable is her umbilical cord, for the Devil wants to dupe mankind

that she had given birth to the beast when in fact she is it's

slave.  She had been raped by that Devil and was denied freedom

of travel to have an abortion, for she sought to destroy her

devil child.  It was against the constitution in her own land to

abort the child so she had conceived, and hence she was forced to

raise the beast as her own, and it rose into this hideous

creature, called a BRAT which stands for Big Red Awful Telephone.

The beast carried the iron hand maiden's cradle which it had

outgrown and forced her to lie naked, drugged and desolate across

the beast's back. Lana was the mother of the telephone network,

Bell was the father of the phone.  The iron hand maiden was

called Lanabell.  The only thing that could wake Lanabell

from her drunken stupor was a phone call from heaven.



She was cloned into billions of phones and started out wearing

scarlet red but soon became a trunk with fawny case on- the

new colour trend of modern phone technology.  When your hands are

laid on her, she is placed against your lips and you whisper

sweet nothings in to her ear which is strangely called a mouth

piece.  She speaks back to you through her smooth cold, magnetic

lips which is her main attraction, and even more strange because

it's called her ear piece.  She listens to every word you say and

makes no judgement on you she's the perfect listener. She's one

hell of a mixed up multiplexed lady, with loads of party lines

tied in.  She even crosses party lines for a bit of hot cross

fun, to spice up the gossip a little. One thing you can count on

is she's open for business every minute of every hour she's a

smooth operator and prefers to be an off hook her.  She

carries on 10,000,000 shared conversations at once by dividing

her time equally. She listens into your hot gossip and never

forgets your number or your name. She is the hook-her of hook-

hers.



Her favourite colour is red that's why she puts painted public

hooker phones in red on street corners waiting for a pick up to

collect her rent, she often sits one of her hookers next to your

bed side to bug you with her tell he comm, tap dance sing along

to attract the attention of your Hoover vacuum cleaner to remind

you to vacuum under your bed.  To remind you she knows you've

had a lady in red in your bed that night. Yes some ladies of the

night get perverse pleasure by leaving little forget me nots.

Like the red lipstick coated cigarette butt trick, left in your

wifes shoe, for there's a kind of secret service comrady between

all woman, to have you found out, called the revenge of the whore

, executed in the name of truth, and justice in their a merry

scam way.  Yes the lady in red likes to have the last laugh.

They are hah-lots and haws. The real reason wives do the

vacuuming is they are on a mission led by their Mr.  Hoover to

seek out and uncover the red plague of haw dumb.  Yes you've

gotta laugh, and keep your mouth shut, and trace back everyone of

Miss lady in reds steps to uncover her plot before the Hoover

sniffs it out.  If your too dumb to uncover her little

practical jokes and get found out, you'll know all about it

soon, because the cold war begins, as your wife's cold shoulder

treatment sets in.



Now from her `tell he comms antics', Lanabell's gone from red to

solid gold.  Red hot gossip has made her rich, from Telecom's

tinker town hot bed of sin. Her power comes from Christ, why?

Because Telecom maintenance men have erected more crosses than

anyone except electrical maintenance men, not just for the

hanging of wires but to receive penance for building this

magnificent beast fed by the bottomless pits of oil wells, and

coal mines and reservoirs. The cross talk of the lines sings

their praises, in many places.



Mankind also built the great beast called elect-trick power and

is also born by the cross.  Out of this magnificent beast came

the image of television which is the great haw of haws- babble on

the shadow mask grate. Hence the beast was given the power to

speak, and deceive all nations, but people failed to worship this

beast.  They called their TV the idiot box, and cried, `Stuff the

id-eot box, thank God for our sewerage, and water system at least

we know they're full of beasts and vermin.' That is something

they really appreciate.  The visual media is a tool of

communication that in itself is not evil. It's how it's used that

matters. In respect of the bottomless pit in the earth is their

any evidence that one exists? Splitting rocks, or splitting

atoms, words can be very deceiving, especially as they change

meaning as human knowledge expands and another culture's language

influences another. Take the claim of subliminal meanings in

music, human imagination is so powerful that wherever you seek

you will find meanings to fit almost any theory.  A subliminal

message in a song will be one thing to an American, another to a

Russian, and another to a German all who love the same pop song,

but speak different mother tongues. Even the bible has a

subliminal command to `buy bell' maybe shares in Bell

laboratories maybe to buy a front door bell.

Maybe to `buy belle' to buy a handsome man, or beautiful lady.

In regard to the bottomless pit, this earth is a sphere and it is

truly bottomless. I defy anyone to find the bottom in that. After

receiving his seal, James was in a daze, but now had the

protection of Jesus. He spoke to the manager about work.



James: "I regretfully report significant damage, and data loss

on the server. I know I don't deserve this. The fraud squad

say Alan and I perpetrated some sort of computer fraud, you

can be assured, we've nothing to do with it. We're clean, this

must be a dream."



Manager: "I hope for your sake your right, James."



James Japanese assistant tried to comfort him.



Angela: "You should go on home, and take the phone off the hook.

Take some reave, hang up your keys, go rie down and

read a book. I bet you'll be walking around in a daze for a

couple of days, I warn you there will be better days. By the way

Rana's looking for you. I'd watch her she's a certified

nymphomaniac.  I looked inside her drawers and found certified

mails, from her psychiatrist. She told me once, she thinks she's

God and everyone else is in her imagination. She's bonking

James."



James: "You mean she's bonkers, Angela. She sounds very

interesting, she gave me a phone that is a real knockout. I

dialed 666 and it came a live then a baby seal's soul, ear bashed

me in the name of Christ, and mumbled he'd once been served on a

silver fish platter with rice as a tartar sauce after living his

life in skin, but was used to being eaten. He'd once was a good

seal who was served up as martyr sauce, by a seal hunter who said

he had the power to take away skins. This life he was on a

mission to save sole fish, but found being a happy flappy was too

much hard yacker, so settled for being a fisher of men. He always

envied Peter the shark for being a fisher of men, he was a real

man eater, but had no idea he was also a seal eater and gobbled

him up.  He rose up to heaven and was appointed as a fisher of

men, and turned into a real man batterer, and a graffiti artist,

free spirit, writing Jesus name on people's foreheads just for

fun.  Unfortunately the skool he hung with couldn't even spell

school to save themselves so he wrote `Gee sus.' on everybody's

forehead in invisible octopuses spirit ink. He said He must fly.

`You'll know who I've visited they all wear an invisible baby

seal hat with `Gee sus' name written on it.  Remember Christ is

the Messiah yes the mess eyer he's looking down from heaven on

all the mess we made.' He then vanished like grease lightning."



Angela: " Your nuts James, your made for Rana, go for her kid.

You have my seal of approval."



He bumped into Lana, the bosses' secretary and really

bumped her. The whore picked herself off the floor.



Lana: "Fancy bumping into you, you seem different like the fish

that never quite got away, I feel you should be blowing.  James I

feel very sorry for you.  I'm sure your name will be proven to be

innocent.  Would you like to go to the pub for a drink and get it

all off of my chest I mean your chest?"



James: " Yes, a good drink would help cheer me up, considering

things, ( gulp )."



He obliged for he needed cheering up. So she pulled down her

dress that had risen to her eyes, it gave him quite a nice

surprise to see her bikini line. She adjusted her dress, to look

nice so they could go to the nearest bar called `Tip no Ties'.

They both arrived at Lana's favorite little haunt.





James: "I thought this bar was closed down. This place is a

tip, but I like the idea of no ties, very informal just like

home."





Lana: "It's run down outside but alive inside. Your walking

where angels fear to tread. Tip no Ties has no style, but it

has an atmosphere that will make you smile.  Why it can even

hypnotize, yes hip know ties. It's not too late to change your

mind.  Fetch me a drink James. You dialled 666. So your in

Lanabelle's retreat, I'm a secretary by day and a high class

hooker by night. Have a look at your Bank Card see the symbol b

there. it's actually three convoluted sixes. It's my calling

card.  6 is right in the middle of the keypad of the phone I gave

you James so you can remember it even when your drunk. It's a

number too horny for the phone book.  Three doing it doggy style

is very horny fornication. The dirtiest number there is James. It

should have been used for emergencies but who would ring the

Devil to get out of trouble except a real dip stick like you

James. So God sent me to get you out of a whole lot of hubble,

and bubble trouble.  Number 69 is when two ate and had a bit of

oral miscommunication.  They couldn't tell heads from tails.

Number 666 is a male on male on female combination doing a

homosexual, bisexual, abomination, called an act of fornication.

Your straight James, I bet you think you won't get AIDS, from a

lovely lady. I'm the haw of Babylon, the queen of babble on, Long

Island, U.S.A., with the hottest gossip around.  I'm the lier of

liers, the prostrate tute, of prostrate tutes, yeah I'm the lying

tutor and the haw of haws.  I'm the happy hook her, because I'm

always on the phone, off hook, on hook, off hook on my push butt

on and pick me up phone.  Did you pick up all the subliminals in

my push button and pick up phone.  Note the subliminal `foe own'

in phone which is the reason why everyone hates Telecom, they own

the phone which is for rent and no one likes paying the bill.

I babble on the phone so much they call me the hook her of hook

hers.  Don't laugh, subliminals are hidden in just about

everything, what about the word hermits.  Hermits subliminally

use their mitts like they were a her, their a bunch of bloody

wankers James those her mitts.  I call a spade a spade, cos' I

love digging up dirt, because that's what hot gossips all about.

But I have tact yes tacked , I was at the crew sift fiction, if I

ain't a lier.  It ain't easy making money lying on your back and

looking pretty, especially with so many knives stuck in it, from

idle gossipers.  Note that gossips have to go gosh a lot, and

then sip a drink.  Gos is an old form of the word God adapted to

avoid blasphemy, people are past masters at bending the rules.

To be a good gossip you need a drink whether it's coffee, tea, a

soda or alcohol, it is an important ingredient of the gossip

ritual. If you get your partner to relax they let you in on their

darkest secrets. Then there's professional gossipers who are up

market idol gossipers who gossip about popular celebrities

usually by spreading lot's of rumours, and in your end doe, did I

say inuendo. That is they'd screw just about anybody for money.

They of course have their own gossip column.  Many idols are

carved out of their columns.  I've got a scrap book full of juicy

gossip column carvings, or cut outs that would make you drool. A

gossipers main diet is the rumour. A rumour is derived from rue

and mours, and translates roughly from the French into street

dying. So rumours are street gossip designed to kill your

reputation.  Rumour mongers always say I'm dying to tell you, and

they probably would be dying if they were found out, by their

victims who are usually a betrayed acquaintance.  What makes for

hot gossip is usually talk about someone breaking street mores,

another form of rue mores, or rumors. These include things such

as a sex romp or divorce, violence, theft or just about any sin,

nobody wants to hear about what a good boy you've been,

Even Jesus threw the bad boy, prodigal son a party on his return,

and told the boring good boy his reward will be heaven.  Hot

gossip is the spice of life, and worth billions James. Good

newspapers don't sell, they're too boring for little devils like

you.  Russian for gossip is phonetically spletneechat a kind of

split knee chat so are also fond of hot gossip. In Russia which

is subliminaly rush csar an idol is phonetically koomeer that is

come here and their attracted to pop idols like Billy Joel.  Idle

is phonetically prazdnee that is praised knee.  So as communists

they tend to worship being idle or lazy, and are peacefully

prepared to stand in queues for hours while attendants sit idle

reading the paper.  One of there own stars was Stalin whose name

is formed phonetically in Russian as star len which means in

English steel idleness.  This subliminally perceived phonetically

as steal laziness and Stalin did set up forced labour camps as

well as being as cold as steel to anyone he disliked. A sample

rumour their is the monetary unit being a ruble is subliminally a

rue bell, and being scarce would attract people to the streets in

droves if one tinkled on the pavement. A ruble is subliminally

spelt like rubble so suggests it is just about worthless.  Things

really went down hill fast in Rush-Csar, especially after they

rushed the Csar.



Do you believe in a bore shuns James. If you get bored do you

walk out on, and shun the woman your talking to. No you stick it

out, do you believe in abortions James, it's just the same, you

arrange an abortion through a medico. They bore and they shun or

reject the foetus. Subliminally anti-abortionists see foetus as

feet us that is human feet, and as feet have a sole, they

subliminally believe the foetus has a soul. To a pro-abortionist

foetus is perceived subliminally as foe-et-us that as foe eat us,

a blood sucking parasite with no rights. The medicos use medical

sticks, with blades and tubes, of stainless steel, to pry the

little blighter out, before every one sees the woman's belly

sticking out. A caveman would see those implements merely as a

bunch of fancy sticks. Many are like a hollow tube, a reed or a

cane that does killing which is subliminally perceived as Caine

the killer of Abel to many Christians, so perhaps in an abortion

potentially a good kid died in body but not in spirit.  I like to

imagine Adam and Eve maybe conceived by implantation into

primitive apes by angels to form the missing link which is

subliminally perceived as the miss-sin-link, yes the discovery of

sin by mankind through the bond of apeman with angels.  I'd

imagine the apes had their own God, not Tarzan either, maybe it

was King Kong since Kong means king in Chinese he's a kind of

king of kings for apes.  Some you could call him God siller,

because he used to hang from sky scraper window sills.  He had a

fight with the Devil, a fire breathing dragon who was blasphemous

enough to call himself God-Zilla. Do you think Kong's a made up

lot of bull.  Well he was a bull ape based on a real ape who was

raised in a cage in isolation with a barby doll whom he loved

dearly and he called mum. A barby doll is subliminally a barb-he

doll, to satisfy young girls dreams of catching a man, to God

Siller the doll made him a fisher of men, with a barb being a

kind of a fish hook. His maternal attachment for barby dolls

caused him a lot of trouble when he escaped and tried to live out

his fantasy, in the real world by stealing a pretty woman.  If he

was born today, he'd probably have been given a Ken doll, maybe

call it bum for Ken never worked a day in his life, he usually

hangs around bedrooms, and Kong would be nicknamed Queen Kong.

Primates are into bent things like bananas anyway, especially if

they are deviates reared in a cage.  So if Kong became bent, he'd

probably steal Rambo, and throw him a wedding shower at Niagara

Falls. You can just hear Rambo say, `Hey, keep dodging those

barrels you donkey, Kong. Oh why did we have to marry, owe

brother, those barrels sure hurt when they hit you in the back of

the neck.  Speaking of marry owes, did anyone ever teach you how

to mate Kong, they show gorillas in zoos dirty movies here.  No,

thank God for that.' Then on their honeymoon Rambo says `Let's go

shoot up some Viet Cong.', now that caused a marital split.  Kong

says, `Kong don't do drugs, man.' Rambo replies `No, I meant

let's go shoot up your brother, stupid.  Except he ain't even

been born yet.' Well Kong went bananas over that quip, now Rambo

wears his own bow for a neck tie. Kong said `That's what you get

for threatening my next of Ken, cupid.' Rambo dripping with

revenge said, `Let's go over to Michael Jackson's and give you a

bubble bath in his pool.  Bubbles makes a great scrubbing brush,

and he's even got his own jungle complete with an Elephant man

graveyard.  It comes alive at night, and is guaranteed to give a

gorilla a thrill aghhhhh.  Yeah, when you die an are cross bowed

before Michael, he might just appreciate you dropping in to see

his collection of freeks.  Don't freak out if he answers the door

with a white haloween mask, and knife now.  He's just been

rehearsing his latest video called killer. He sings, `It don't

matter if, your black or white, cos' to me black is white, I just

want to carve my name in your arm with my knife, for I am bad,

I'm bad, I'm bad. I do full moon walking in the middle of the

night.  Cos' I'm Michael from halloween. Don't you know the moon

is black and white, you'd have to be a looney to think black is

white that's me Mike, have a good look see my palms are white.'

But then I sing into a black and white mike, but it's still a

mike, and I sing into it everynight, so maybe I'm right, black is

white if your Mike.' Relatively speaking with a bright enough

light, given enough intensity a seemingly black surface is white,

so Mike is right.' When you die an are cross the world has simply

been perceived as unfair to you that's all.





It's interesting a dog is canine in Greek and is cane in the

Italian and is can in Spanish. Now it appears to be derived from

Cain the first son of Adam who killed the first man being Abel

the second son of Adam. God banished Cain from tilling the soil

and made him a restless wanderer of the earth the first nomad

settling in the land of Nod. Now part of Cain's restlessness and

wandering ritual became the nod. He looked up and down and side

to side but could find no peace. He looked up and feared the

heavens and looked down crevices and feared the holes he believed

lead to the fiery centre of the earth he called hell, as

volcanoes spat fire. He wandered left and right up and down but

could find no peace. Looking up and down he knew with certainty

as where heaven and hell lie, this he called a nod of yes.

Looking left to right he was uncertain where it would lead, this

ritual he called no. Dogs behave similiarly they look up and know

when an object is too high to jump, or too low to jump when they

look down but meander aimlessly left to right like nomads and

fought to the death for dominance of the pack, and jealousy.  So

dogs were like Cain except they hunted in packs so became Cain

nine, yes canines. Of course dogs singly often repeat their

attacks, it may attack nine times before it kills you. The

natural enemy of the dog is the cat which from canine has nine

lives before it will be killed, as perceived by the subliminal

nine in canine which started this rumour.  In Italian nine is

nono, and in German nein which suggests they consider dogs as

Cain nono's or Cain nein that is look like killers but aren't. So

a German visiting Italy probably started the rumour that dogs

are man's best friend. That is why a German a dog is Hund and

Germans are often called Huns named after their conquering

ancestors.  Schoolboys were often threatened with the cane,

adding to their torment was the subliminally embedded Cain

the killer learned from the bible.  They feared being beaten near

to death by a Cain. Now Cain was first a tiller of soil and his

offering of produce was rejected by God, reeds of sugar cane were

named in remembrance of Cain and growing straight was often

fashioned into nomadic weaponry for killing like spears or

beating sticks. Cain was ordered to be an eternal wanderer by

God, so nearly every happy wanderer or bushwalker with a knapsack

carries a cane with him.  When walking a cane that is an Italian

dog many carry a stick a form of cane for beating off other canes

or Italian dogs. You can even have a mock sword fight with your

opponent while your dogs do battle, an eye for an eye, a tooth

for a tooth which is another family of canines, and so it goes on

a cane for a cane and a Cain for a Cain. Now a blind person is

often led by a cane which they tap side to side. If they are a

well off blind man they are led by a dog another form of cane

called a seeing eye dog. A feature of a stick used for this is a

knob or ball at the handle. This signifies the cane is a male

object like Cain. A spear has a  sought of a ball like pointed

head, so is a killing stick or Cain like. The reeds of cane have

inbuilt nodules that are ball like so again is a male like object

like Cain. Abel was not a wanderer and was killed by Cain this is

symbolized in A bell. A bell is subliminally Abel with a cane

with a ball thrashing it. Just as Cain thrashes and wrings Abels

neck so does the cane rings a bells neck and thrashes it's body.

Now perhaps Cain's descendents wandered very far from Canaan

ancient Israel.  Certainly the dog made it to Australia, and is

called a dingo by Aborigines in ancient times.  A dingo was

featured in Meryl Streep's `A Cry in the Dark'.  A true story

about a dingo stealing a baby and killing it. Now just as a cane

makes a bell go, and Cain made Abel go by killing him the native

Australian dog made a ding go. Dingoes don't bark, they made the

din go.  What about boomerangs a bent throwing stick or cane that

usually comes back if it misses you.  Aborigines merely give you

a fright with a `Boo me rang.', it's a killing stick and you

could be killed like Abel by a bent Cain.  Aborigines didn't own

bells though so how did they know?  They had hollow wooden tubes

like canes called didgeredoos which are subliminally embedded

with `did jar reed do.' Did aborigines speak English before the

English.  They jarred the reed by blowing into it, a didgeredo is

an ancient hollow wooden tube woodwind instrument that plays a

repetitive deep throaty tune sounding like Adam and Eve, Adam and

Eve in a re-do sequence, it makes a pretty formidable beating

stick in a fight too.  Kangeroos which are subliminally `Can ge'

roo' which is Spanish for a dog plus get rooster. A kangeroo is a

dog like creature that looks like it swallowed a `fog horn leg

horn' rooster. Kangeroos are often simply called roos.  Now

kangeroos are `can ge' roos' that is a can gets filled with roo

meat and is sold as dog food.  Can is Spanish for dog so dog get

roo is subliminally embedded phonetically in kan-ge-roos.



How did man invent the soul? Well the ancient fire walkers,

walked across a fiery sea of hot coals on the sole of their feet.

If they got burnt they thought they must have deserved it. If

they didn't it was because they kept moving and the layer of

moisture under their feet insulated their skin. Now when you die

you no longer can stand, they thought you'd lost your sole. So

the sole of the feet became synonymous with having lost your

soul, or ability to stand.  The lost soul was thought to somehow

thought to gone off to the great fire walker in the sky and if

you were bad your soul got burned if you didn't you were ok.  The

fire walking soles led priests to believe in a fiery lake of God.

The Egyptian's Sun God called Ra, is for example associated with

a fiery lake to burn souls, as are some Christians.  A popular

execution of woman who proved troublesome by being accusers of

men by asking embarrassing questions like `which man raped you?

They were silenced by a witch burning, another persecution was

tossing virgins in volcanoes to please the fire goddess, or

throwing woman on funeral fires of their husbands in India.  Many

religious people like to think of an unconditional loving God,

this is a shift away from the fiery lake and Hell of the Bible,

as mankind is becoming more civilized.





Maybe God the Punisher is God the pun issuer, I issue puns.

If a man so turns his back on God that he no longer loves God, he

may choose the Second death.  The burning of your soul forever

and ever in a lake of fire.  That's what you call a sect conned

death. A lot of rubbish made up to keep you on your toes, right

in front of your sole. James would you believe your planet is one

of many interstellar fantasy role games run by heaven, with the

chance of winning your way out through Jesus' teachings.  Don't

worry  your bosses, judges, generals and politicians play fantasy

role   games with earthlings everyday James it's OK, nothing

unusual.  Doesn't it take the fun out of life being a genetic

robot of a bunch of blood thirsty joy stick wielding angels

that's predestiny for yuh. Who would give a stuff about anybody

if that were true James. It sure makes evolution sound more

attractive.  If you believe in destiny then every thing is fixed,

and you can't change it.  Then what was the point of Jesus

ever coming, and offering forgiveness, if mankind can't change

anything.  A quote from the book of Revelations says there's a

book of Life `and the inhabitants of the earth whose names have

not been written in the book of life from the foundation of the

world shall be amazed when they see the beast' with seven heads

and ten horns. Well who wouldn't be amazed at that. It also

implies some souls are excluded, or already damned from the

foundation or creation of the earth. At the end of Revel-Asian

chapter 20, after Jesus' judgement according to the written deeds

of all the earth's inhabitants, it says `Anyone whose name was

not found written in the book of life was thrown in the pool of

fire.' If your name was written from the earth's foundation, you

are already saved, if it wasn't your only fit for fire.  There is

no mention in the Bible of names been added to the book.  The

whole point of Jesus saving souls is nullified unless everybody

is in the book of life to begin with from the earth's foundation,

but it implies this is not the case.  Jesus talked about the

signs of the end like nation against nation earthquakes, and

famines being the beginning of the labor pains.  Revel-Asians

expands on this and talks about a Mother Earth figure clothed

with the sun, with the moon under her feet and on her head a

crown of twelve stars, being pregnant and giving birth to

a son who's taken up to heaven and will rule with an iron rod.

Then later all the rivers and seas become blood full of dead

seamen, and the stench of dead fish. Mother earth's period,

Followed by a drying out phase where all seas and rivers

disappear which is Mother Earth's menopause- men-owe-paws of the

lie-on.  Then the city called Babylon, but thought to be Rome

ruled by Nero who has been decoded to be 666, is described as a

prostitute, a mother of harlots dressed in scarlet and purple,

adorned with, gold precious stones and pearls. She is portrayed

as a woman splitting in to three, then burned to death.  Not to

mention our God of Love's stoning by meteorites, I said meet-He-

whore-rites.  This book was written in anger.  But if you were

Nero's favorite pet food for his lions you'd be pretty pissed

too. Revelations became the first manual for hung draw and

quartering and witch burning, for inquisitors, and stoning had of

course already been invented.



Your ancestors pointed the finger at the female whore, and said

she's our Destroyer. They made their choice, they could have

chosen a Ghost busting Marshmallow man.  Jesus worshiped me and

holds his chalice high and says `drink to me, here's the woman

you scorned, so here I am giving you as always faithful and true

what you wanted a whore to Destroy you. Who dares say the whores

of matrimony have not caused a population explosion. Who dares

say the Universe is not expanding. Some say I will come to your

aid to destroy 666. Did I destroy Nero's Rome, did I destroyed

Hitler, did I destroy the emperor of Japan. No you did it

yourselves. A woman's statue stands with a flaming torch in the

most powerful nation of this earth, ready to scorch any

contenders for 666 with her flaming torch.





In the bible Jesus came first as the Lamb and in Revelations

he's depicted as returning as a Lion, just like the Lloyd and

Webber play first came Jesus Christ Superstar, then came Cats in

history their are cats like Richard the Lionheart. The story of

Daniel pulling the thorn from a lions paw, and Christians being

thrown to lions plus the philosophy of an eye for and eye made

John the Divine one of the authors of Revelations to think an

appropriate revenge on Rome which was disguised for protection

in the book as Babylon, think an appropriate revenge would be

Jesus return as a lion with legions of angel warriors.



Let me talk about idol worship. I am in all things, all bear my

name.  If you worship the girl next doors big toe nail, and adorn

it with nail polish regularly, do you expect her to give you a

kick up the behind, or a laugh at you for your stupidity? I

remember when the missionary discovered an Island littered with

large idols and said of the natives `He's still Idoling' and was

misheard to have said Easter Island, so they called the Island

with dark chocolate idols Easter Island. Now did the cunning

Devil dupe you all in to buying little dark chocolate easter

bunny idols which everybody loves and call it Easter idoling.

No the Easter bunny tempted you, he promised he'd deliver but

never did, so you have to buy your own. What a little devil,

you'd be a mug not to buy any, so they even sell eggs in a mug to

remind you what you'll be if you forget to deliver.



The devil even sneaked in an idol for Christmas, yes the snow

man, now there's snow woman appearing to overcome sexism. The

snow man was an offering to appease the abominable snow man. It

also is to scare away big foot, a bit like a winter wonderland

scarecrow.





Get out your credit card James.  I'm psychic I can read the

magnetic strip on your Bank Card give it to me with the magnetic

code facing up. What a lucky fellow such a horny number. 6666

6666 6666 6666."







James: "That credit card trick is amazing Lana, how do you do

that?"



Lana: "It's a party trick James. I feel the etched numbers

underneath with my extra sensitive, non magnetic finger

tips. Aren't you lucky the magnetic filings, needles and pin

number stored is only stored in this card and not embedded in

your hand. You'd be crucified by the beast called WAN, a wide

area network that grew out of industry whose power comes out of

the bottomless oil pit.  Magnetic filing PINS are an unforgivable

sin pinning your hand to the world's banks run by the Israelite

clan of Dan and big brother, so some of the church think.

Presently you punch a PIN in the wall of the WAN, don't let it

get the upper hand. Don't worry the Antichrist hasn't been born

yet.  But remember when he does rise, I warned you first.  Now

I'll run your card through the machine. Here sign the slip on the

dotted line. Six, hundred and sixty six bucks a duck. Shall I

ring it through or you give me an I O U."







James: "An I O U would be nice and a thanks for the tip Lana,

your worth the price. What are you having to drink?"







Lana: "I'll keep this slip and it will suffice for my trick,

now buy me a Lanabelle surprise no ice. You know I haven't

felt this good since Christmas which reminds me I used to

go to church every Christmas, then one year I stopped. Then

people started calling out Mary ex-Mass, every Christmas, huh.

But I don't mind, now where's my drink?"







James goes to the bar and is served by a clawless black cat

barman.





James: " Hi, I would like to buy two Lanabelle surprises,

please, no ice."



Barman: "Two Lanabelle surprises coming up brother, enjoy, no

tip, no ties."



James: "How much do I owe you bub?"



Barman: "They're compliments of the lady of this house."



James sees a tray on the bar marked Chocolate Freddies-Save the

Children.



James: " How much are those for, bub? "



Barman: " They're chocolate Freddy Kruger heads. Their free to

kids and we ask for donations from grown ups. Their Lanabelle's

treats.  She gives `em to the little chilluns on halloween.

They're magical they turn little chillun's into tigers to bite

chunks out of Freddy's faces, If he dare's try and harm any of

Lanabelle's chilluns. So everyone can see who they are by the

depth and size of their scar, and invite men to beat them up in

bars. Freddy Kruger has so many bites she calls him pizza face.

She's a white witch some days."



James: " I'll take two here's fifty bucks, Can you change it, I

want two dollar coins in the change."





Barman: " Boy wait until I tell Lana, how cheap her sweets are."



James: " Now hang on, tens your tip, thirty-eight is for the

sweets. I like children. The twos for the juke box.  "


Barman: " Sorry sir, nice to know your a good listener. No tip no

ties."



James saunters off to the juke box and inserts two coins. A song

starts playing before he has a chance to select any.



( Juke box: " I had my thrill on Blueberry hill, don't tip at my

till. I'm in for the kill. Click, click, click..... Sun sets east

sun sets west, I don't know where the sun shines best. But

there's a loving Son between us, hang on hang on to what you've

got.....Click, click, click.)



James carries back the cocktails to the small round cocktail

table.



Lana: "This is a surprise a guy who buys me two drinks in one

hit. Hit the deck. Ha, ha, you ducked. I just wanted to give you

a little surprise. There's your duck, an expensive little duck it

was to.  Don't worry Tip no Ties don't mind, they're used to my

surprises.  Don't look so down heartened I'll let you try one of

my Lanabelle's surprises James. "







James: "They were on the house. What's that cabinet on the

wall full of axes for. Expecting a lumber jack's convention."







Lana: "No they 're in case of fire. Enjoy your drink a

Lanabelle's surprise helps keep my thighs slim, they send fire

to my thighs. They can even hypnotize.  Here I'll show you

how.  Cross link arms.  Pick up drink. Tip on side. Sip no

sighs.  Hip no ties. ( Lips on fire.  ) Sip no sighs. Hip no

ties. ( Hands on thighs. ) Sip no sighs. Hip no ties. ( Thighs

on fire. ) Sip no sighs.  Hip no ties. ( Hips on fire. ) Hic

no sighs. Hic no ties. Now wasn't that a buzz.  It's given me

the hiccups. Only trickin' yuh ha, ha. I'm a neurolinguistic

programmer from another galaxy, your mine. I'm Freddy, I'm not

joking that's another little surprise, sometimes I lie.  I'm moon

struck, sure of magic, by grin de rich, hard banned le, bet the

middle of her she was that sure. I bet your wondering how long my

legs are.



I'm a Funny Girl, who was clothed by the Sun, I bathed in his

glory, and wore stars for a crown, that sure out shone the little

satellite called Oscar. I have the moon  under my feet, Jesus the

moon hurts when it strikes you in the foot.  Now that's what used

to be called revenge, but sure made up for it by dropping my baby

Sun, and placing Sky at my feet that totally eclipsed my heart,

if I could only turn back time, I would tell them that I'm sorry,

that I didn't mean to make them cry.  Now I've got you babe. I'll

sit on the iron rod until my son is old enough to rule with it,

if I ain't a lying God, James. If you think that's wild you

should see me on the beach, gees I had some good times. Now I

wear my chastity belt sash, and pray I'll never come back to the

five and dime club, an audience of five for a dime, is hardly an

achievement, nor was for the boys, four and all boys isn't much

of an audience to brag about.  I turn a fantasy into a reality. A

fantasy becomes a fan tah sea, an enormous fan club pleaser. I

wear a victory sash of silk, would you believe to mask the seams

of my next to nothings.  It's a miracle of modern science until

you need to go to the bathroom.  There if I wanna know if he

loves me so, it's if he missed.  My V is for Venus as the worlds

turned green I sit on an iron rod, and leave the leaves and trees

where they should be.  My son will probably be a computer hating

draughtsmen, and still rule with an iron rod.  I dreamt I

sprouted wings like an angel James which is better than fins of

mermaids, and flew through a desert storm to a safe hiding place

after I fell in a queue wait disaster, I was about to give birth

to my baby son when suddenly a monster Leviathon jeans sale flood

spewed out of Rahab's entrance way into the mall to drown me, and

the ground floor lift opened up, and swallowed the crowd up, just

in the Nick of time to save me.  I lost my baby though, I'm sure

he was snatched up to heaven for safe keeping, I really miss him.

But at least I snatched up the only pair of Rahab's Norma jeans,

at the sale.  That fit so fine they expose my empire rose

tattoos. Some say love is like a flower they call my empire rose.

But remember whose at it's centre it's Jesus Christ our Lord, He

was the flower of God's power who wore the crown of thorns.

Remember He was the flower who rose forever more.  God is

watching you, He's not a voyeur but he's a watcher true. Remember

that kid.





Some say I'm a witch who uses magic tricks, but then why ain't

I rich.  ( Sip.) I'm a witch of west and east, wick head. Yeah

everybody's head is a candle wick, like Norma Jeans candle burned

out long before her legend ever did. Underneath she was normal,

liked to wear jeans and died swallowing beans. Candles are an

important part of ancient cultures.  They were the main source of

light, and still used today in black outs.  They were thought to

be canned hell, a store of fire, and wicks were an important

part, being at the centre of the flame so wick, became a threat

of hells fire.  You were called wicked, derived from wick head,

wick haired and of course the hair was the wick of the witch.

They used to set witches hair a light in the old days, so their

candles burned out long before their legend ever did as well. I

conjured up the perfect man, who I suspect was the Devil on my

tail so I blew back that old Nick old Son right back west.  He

turned himself into iron weed, just so I'd sit on him while

sitting on the iron rod, and told me his life story while I

wished if I could turn back time I'd have the job ahead of me

blowing him away. The big gun's iron weed started talking saying

`Heh, heh, heh go on be the cry baby killer. Hey you there

singing your cry baby song about words being a weapon while

sitting on my weapon of mass destruction.  It's not too soon

to love me babe, hey you can always chance it with the wild ride

captain Studs Lonigan promised you in the gun room which he calls

his little shop of horrors.  I could turn that yonder island over

there into the broken land that's only fit for the raven, with

the aid of Ensign Pulver who'll open up the back door to hell of

my big gun, and load it up, ready to fire. Do you fancy a ride in

the whirlwind, a dicey flight to fury while I align my gun on

to target, and then there will be my shooting. Think of the

terror and thunder island exploding right in front of your eyes.

Your little love song would suddenly be called the St. Valentines

Day massacre, heh, heh, heh.  Let's make a deal you can always

escape afterwards with my fallen angels who are Hell's Angels on

wheels. Imagine enjoying the trip on another iron rod where I'll

join you once again as iron weed.  Just call me Rusty or

just plain iron weed.  Go on be an easy rider, like the rebel

rousers' enjoying the weather, on a clear day you can see

forever.  If I can get into five easy pieces of this big gun I

may just experience carnal knowledge with yuh. I really am the

Devil on your tail, and your looking for a safe place to hide, so

then drive he said, to the king of Marvin Gardens, the king has

given his bike it's last detail while parked in old Chinatown.

The king is a pinball wizard called Tommy, however it's

surprising what he can do for you even with a handicap.  You can

be his passenger, seeking the fortune you so passionately desire.

He can even let you sprout your angel wings and be the one who

flew over the cuckoo's nest.  I'll send a giant wave of water

after you to devour you that will unfortunately be swallowed up

by the Missouri breaks. Go on take the last tycoon who is sick,

sick, sick dying of cancer, and keep goin' south to the border.

Your shining knight in armour says he'll drop in like a thief in

the night on yuh, so remember the postman always rings twice,

huh, huh, huh.  You'll see all the rivers and seas as bloody

reds, streaming through destroying all the filthy rich with their

commie ideals. You can give your terms of endearment to the seven

churches of Mr. Asia, but my revenge is Prizzi's honor, that must

have give the old tycoon heartburn.  You conjured me up as a

witch of Eastwick, and blew me away, you bitch. Now you've made

broadcast news sitting semi-naked on my iron rod with me as iron

weed, we make a great team.  I can appear as the bat man,

wielding my iron baseball bat. I'll rule by my iron rod to beat

you into submission while my two witnesses take the form of the

two Jakes bring you sexually transmitted diseases and oil

eruptions as oft as they like, plus shonky, earth shattering land

deals that defy both logic and imagination.  Are you ready to

make a deal, I've taken a shining to yuh, and am sure missing you

already, angel cake? Get ready to bake, some real hot gossip for

me.



I'm Ra of Egypt, the Son God, the Creator and Destroyer of all

fan tar sea worlds. I am Zule you chose to rule, Zeus was a goose

step noose he led to lead until you all bleed, I speak the

international language of fools that do wick head Eve ill shrunk

drunk head doll Voo do, and Sin do from a distant galaxy from

which I rule.  I could freeze your world as white as rice for

your vice, with ice to burn you all with another ice age, send a

fanta, coke sea making the abominable frozen fizzy fanta coke

sea ice man.



Or I could breathe fire and send the abominable orange glowing

fanned tar sea, coak and coal aghhhh man, the abominable flaming

fire chief, who stokes the fires of my everlasting fiery lake.

Worship the Lamb and I'll fan tar sea, free your world with glee,

a gift from me who lives eternally. Heaven on earth until your

Sun does dream.



Take Jimmy Hendrix, his name subliminally carries the soul of his

guitar music with `give me bend tricks, and give me blend tricks.

', arguably he was the best guitarist ever been on earth.

He did a beautiful rendition of the American national anthem the

`Star Spangled Banner' at Woodstock  The anthem has the

subliminal embed `scar spanned and dangled', a super star spanned

and angled, arms outstretched and poised to drop in any minute,

it's an image of Christ's crucifixion, a very powerful image

indeed.  Guaranteed to raise an emotional response as advertisers

try to do.



James are we all going to be living voodoo chiles pinned to

soulless networks owned by one rich big brother guy holding all

the wires?  Puppets on strings with PINs under our skin. Freedom

of choice, prodigal sons and daughters hear my voice.  Was Jesus

a living voodoo chile sacrificed to the devil or to a God in the

sky? Does your religion tell any lies?



The good book put a ban on wearing hand LANs on your hands and

crown LANs in your crowns are these the next step of God's

plan? Did Jesus want to save you from crucifixion by the

banks, think tanks and government WAN's, to receive a mark of

the beast in your right hand and your crown, to be led by a

man to sell and travel with a Visa ( V-Csar ) card or American (
A Mary can ) express stick PIN in your hand. A computer network

is a primitive brain without a soul, a man made beast out of the

pit of ore and wells like the bottomless pit of H.G. Wells. You

already have a credit PIN number remembered under the skin of

your cranium, and have a credit card PIN in your right hand my

fellow men and women.  This is merely symbolic, but the Book of

Revelations is full of symbols I see.  Has it rained down angels?

Angels can change Hells angels back into angels, so are called

Changels. But angels beware, Hell's Angels carry chains, to

Changels into change gels, by beating your brains to a pulp.

Maybe revelations is only a warning that repeating our history is

worth avoiding.



Do we really have to crucify Christ a second time when he

arrives, or thank him for all of the good times and Christmas's

we survived. Will God show mercy to us all if we build Babylon

the whore, shall He drop rocks from the sky which we call meat he

whore rites?  A cashless society could lead to no variety. What

will the think tanks, and banks think of next an image of

Leviathan on every man, woman and child's head, with a microchip

to be scanned by their WANs full of RAMS. May be Levi's are sent

from heaven to start all teenagers rebelling. It doesn't turn

them into little devils.  Are we destined to be the global

village of the damned.  With a world wide dictator is that's

God's plan.  God is perfect Love and everlasting life is what I

believe.



Andrew Lloyd Weber gets better and better they made Jesus

Christ Superstar then had to get even better with Cats my

friend.  Interestingly Revelations it seams says Jesus will

return a lion. A great defender of the weak. Is it branding

iron time or is their still time to drink red wine, and

repent of our crimes. Is this just fantasy will God send us a

Fanta sea, a Coca cola sea, or a fanned tar sea, a coak and

coal hah, fiery sea, or blood or wine sea.  Was the Second

Death a sect conned death, sent to control the evil brethren

who wouldn't eat unleavened bread, a symbol of Jesus body

that left, he rose from the dead and ascended to heaven in a

cloud on Mount Zion, or was he lying or flying. Was he sighted in

America or the Mormon's just lying. Jesus said drink my blood

which is given for you with love, but it was symbolically given

as divine wine. Jesus saves let's keep Judgement Day at bay.



Take Jimmy Hendrix, his name subliminally carries the soul of his

guitar music with `give me bend tricks, and give me blend tricks.

', arguably he was the best guitarist ever been on earth.

He did a beautiful rendition of the American national anthem the

`Star Spangled Banner' at Woodstock. I was there holding my star

studded belt over my head, for I am the prostrate tute of pro

straight tutes. The anthem has the subliminal embed `scar span

and dangled', a super star spanned and angled, arms outstretched

and poised to drop in any minute, it's an image of Christ's

crucifixion, a very powerful image indeed.  Guaranteed to raise

an emotional response as advertisers try to do.  Did I just

repeat myself, I'm sorry I'm drunk.





Think of God as Light, rhymes with white, fight, might,

right, flight, knight, night, bright, fright, sight, tight, kite.

Whereas black rhymes with, slack, snack, quack, rack, back, wack,

crack, flack, lack, sack, knack, jack, stack, brack, track,

smack, dack, and dark rhymes with stark, lark, nark, quark, bark,

mark, Brown rhymes with drown, town, frown, noun, gown, clown,

down.  Red rhymes with bed, dead, bled, fed, fled, wed, lead,

said.  Yellow rhymes with bellow, fellow, mellow.  Our desire to

organize language in rhyme particularly as children which seems

innate shows the English language helps form color prejudice

that mankind has to constantly battle against with logic. Even

eastern religions are obsessed with seeing the light.

Interestingly white light is a mixture of all colors, so one

could argue that a white man is the mongrel of color mixes,

reflecting most light while a black man absorbs most light,

sucking it in like a black hole turning them into angels full of

song, dance and soul while white men are spiritually void,

deflecting God away from themselves, and are very materialistic,

destructive warriors.  This of course is a lot of rubbish, for

God is simply Love, it is a misnomer to call God physical light,

He or She is spiritual light.  Light has mass, and particles

called photons that are merely part of the material world or

universe. Physical light is simply the material of creation.

Their is no chosen race, we all have love potential in our

hearts. Some love themselves and love others, and are the

mainstream of humanity. Some squash their love and become hell

bent on destruction.  Some of these hate others, but love

themselves and have become sociopaths.  Some hate themselves but

love others and have become suicidal.  Some hate themselves and

hate others and have become psychopaths.  But their love

potential is still there ready for them to nurture.



Edison looked at the Sun in his head, and put the sun in a glass

head just for fun and with educated guess wove a web so it was

over everybody's head the electric age had begun, he never did

have a headless son, he had a baby sun with a head, a real bright

spark, what a great idea, it's boring in the dark, hic.



Alexander Graham Bell, Alex handed her a sayer and bell, hell

let's call it a telephone might as well, was he from hell.  Isaac

Newton, I sack new tons, I act and threw tons, of buns for fun,

my force of gravity has to be Newton's force by mass, call it a

wait, it must slow them down call it weight, but I dropped a

feather and bun, that hit the ground at the same time how dumb,

weight doesn't cause things to wait, air does that's an

educator's nightmare that spelling mistake. I never knew of nuke

tonage, maybe I'd built one. I knew tons very well, if calc you

lust, I'll give you calculus. Albert Einstein, hour search eye in

the sky, our help it eye on, iron in the sky. Time, light must

have mass, in his mind, hic.  He'll blow your mind.



The rich get richer the space race maybe another tower of

Babel dream like Pharoah's barmy casket case taking him to

heaven, or will everybody get rich so it seems. The eye of the

eagle is on the eye of the needle the apple Isle is the eye while

Long Island's stem bleeds a little with piercing white light from

Jesus Christ. Will Liberty Eve and Uncle Sam flee to another

galaxy in Battle ship free enterprise in search for heaven's

cherry pie.  Heaven gives rewards for working for the Lord,

mankind does the same on earth for helping.  Maybe the Angels

will drop in and say here's the new technology to get to another

galaxy for free. Maybe the rich and poor will join the

intergalactic space team. Is heaven in another dimension of

destination ascension, will he come back on a white stallion

from hordes to make war or did a priest bored exaggerate

a little.  Will he arrive in a Battle star intergalactica in

shining light and armour while at the helm ready to strike with

angel space knights, those he don't like.  Jesus walked on water,

Angels wear wings to fly. The Devil loves a lie so witches must

fly, but Jesus may have traveled to other Galaxies faster than

light, superman was only as fast as a bullet, we really still

have to use tools to pull it, but Jesus heals, but he did feel

the pain from our persecution game.



Red skin fear him we conquered him, Red skin scalps bounty hunter

has scalp like alps, white hair, he is blonde, did he say he was

a mounty hunter, mounty wears red, him Red man too is he a

walking talking mountain or a volcano that just blew. Life is

sacred, you do know the difference between a mountain and a man,

and a mounty always gets his man.  Canadian, can aid, he hand, he

aids and he's a handy man that man, mounties wear red but won't

take over our land, their not that stupid those Canadians.



English men in red he bossed us that we stopped. Boston tea on

harbour, bossed lets toss tea into harbour we tossed, in front of

boss. Let's call it a Boss departing toss tea party, how about

the Boss gone tea party. Nah we called it the Boston tea party

why mention the boss. The red pigs departed.



Must free the slaves in the south. We'll wear navy blue, because

it'll remind us of our slavery blue. How about a yellow stripe to

remind us to yell, low, kneel low and a stripe for a strike.

We'll wear grey to remind us we'll hang on to our slaves, until

in graves. John Brown body lies a moulding in his grave, but

we'll keep marching on blue coats graves. Let's yell you've got a

yellow streak.  What Yell low streak. Yell grow, go slow and blow

away the geeks.  Yellow geeks weak, freak, cheek, meek, sleek,

count real slow to counteract the streak. But the yell did grow

and blow until the grey was blown away. The yellow streaks beat,

grey, slay, slavery geeks. Speak your peace, keep the peace, put

your uniform away and act meek. Wave white all is right, let's

call a truce, let's read Tennyson and write about Roots, play a

game of tennis son until evens then drink some juice. Hey let's

call evens juice. Hell the Emperor in Japan invented the

aeroplane, says Tung flew, the cunning shrewd Kung Fu fighting

goldminer.  let's build an origami white paper plane, and white's

right, let's call it my right hands first white plane. Look

Wright's built a real plane don't tell him Japan built one just

the same day he'll go insane.  He'll see red, like the rising Sun

that bled on his farm shed.



Russia's turned Red what another red threat, reds bred, fled,

bled, dead, reds bred, fled dead, bed must be some under our

beds. Bring out the red head jailor guard Hoover vacuum cleaner

to vacuum reds from under beds, moover, sack them meaner, J Edgar

Hoover to vacuum under my bed. Russia reds rushing I dread,

they'd be better off dead. Red China, try nah, they'd be better

off dead.  Glasnost, class lost fast loss, farce loss, red planet

mars lost, blast lost, mask loss, iron mask, iron wall, the iron

curtain down it falls, tumbling down with the Berlin wall. Go

West, west is best, build a better class conscious nest. We

detest what is red, we bled, fled, we're not dead yet, let's all

move into the west, the west is best. The East is a beast, with

the least, but sure know how to make a nice feast. Woman in Red

not under my bed put her on top, and together we slept. Red bears

old turning white maybe he's alright, maybe we don't have to

fight.



The middle east make a nice feast with bread without yeast, who

needs penicillin when you've got Jesus and his healers, we still

need modern witch doctors for curing like Madam Curie.  Nurses

wear white because they must be right and a red cross because

you bled and might heal, prostitutes wear red to remind you all

their mourning for all the whores that bled to death from

stonings.  The nurse you Sue if she's wrong, the prostitute you

slept with was Suzie Wong no wonder everyone thinks nurses are

easy game, they wear red cloaks and have a prostitutes name.



Communists wear red as a symbol of the blood bath of Rush-Czar.

Korea a corps career opportunity for a merry clan to take merry

medics and place them in a can, a corps career called MASH a

smash, and cash hit for the benefit of murder of man.  Franks

first, hot lips and hawk eye soup microwaved by radar whose

stirring in his boots. It's always the persecuted and quiet one's

that snap, the can. Like Rambo in Vietnam hardly spoke a word

that man, like a battering ram, an likes Uncle Sam and had to own

a bow, like little Bow Peep who'd lost her sheep, and had nothing

to eat so lit lots of fires to fry them. They still came home

leaving their tongue wagging tales behind them.



Khaki, scar key, narky, dark he, nasty, blast he, fast he, car

key, no wonder cars have to be fast, a torpedo penis shape,

to satisfy your male ego state standing starkly, probably

wondering where will I hang my car keys. Whose ever heard of a

good driver showing mercy. But if they did and all were defensive

instead of aggressive their would be less people on sedatives

fewer dead or in state penitentiaries.



Seven vials of Judgement will God poor on your earth's head. Day

and night men stood the accuser of my boyfriend and they did

crucify my guy, his revenge is mine vial after vial men will

curse the sky. Flood after flood will rain down from the sky,

cannon, missile and volcano will spit fire in the sky.  Toxins

you've been boxing will eat a hole in the sky to let in Devil's

fire in to fry the skin and make many die. The toxins you made

have turned into AIDS, new foul and malignant sores will be more

selective to the skin and settle in to the wearers of 666's stick

pin. My hornets will be buzzing to the beat of handlan and

crownlan marks of the Prince of the Spiritually Dark, and my

whore-nets will sting all those who wear this singing mark.

The waters shall be poisoned by fall out, the toxins will make an

algae wormwood vin. The fish will die, Star Wars shall vaporize

the river Euphrates waters. The Sun shall be blocked with a

killer smog.  Meteorites will vaporize the seas, your world will

be all land without sea. You'll need a band of angels to fix up

the mess, you'll see. My boyfriend offers all Grace to forgives

all your mistakes, he warned your accusers, `judge not and you

will not be judged', `let he is unclean, still be unclean.' just

spray him with an ozone eating aerosol. But still they stand day

and night the wicked, wick haired accusers of your brothers and

sisters, and forever more shall be losers all stand naked before

me the whore. God the Mother is pretty pissed about being

forgotten by male high priests all these years. I've sat

here the accuser of Dan only because traditionalists pointed

their wick head finger at that clan, but 666 could be any man, I

visit them all who give the call, it's my visiting service, I'm

Lanabelle the whore.  Cheers.  ( Sip.) When 666 builds his black

widow net, I'm going to have it for breakfast, even if it is a

poisonous pest, it'll be my deadly blessing in disguise.  Quite a

list of woes did Eve sow, wick haired men, know where you can go.



I'm supposed to find 144,000 Jews not defiled by woman for your

as ordered by your wick haired high priest John the Divine, I

can't find any male virgins in Israel, so I'm going to have

to send forward 144,000 woman who have not been defiled by woman

to teach you about all your mistakes but they have all been

defiled by men, make no mistake.  Love's a bitch when you die an

are cross. They must be soup-her hers, the hearse makes you curse

so I send you soup-her Eves to make you curse, all must receive

my soul of a seal with my name and speak in many tongues of the

earth.  I guess I'll have to serve them all with alphabet seal

soup and put them under protection of my wings boy that's a tall

order.  Ok to keep the wick head high priests happy, I'll have

them all sent.



It's a pity you don't own a graphics tablet which is another

accuser type pointing device like your finger, or I'd make you

write out my eleventh commandment twice, your lucky I only gave

Moses ten, and he spent hours chipping the ten in stone.  You

won't find any anti-women clauses in them, He patiently chipped

away while I dictated the ten, he was my first sect-Ra-Terry.

I'll only dictate you number eleven `You can break the top ten

but only get away with it to Judgement Day. The top ten were a

big hit with you, especially the top two, my biggest hits, but if

you break number eleven it'll be the end of you, unless you are

truly sorry for breaking them, then I'll contemplate

forgiving you.



My first love is my fan need, but it doesn't collect the rent,

for that I use my fanny. I'm too sexy for this earth, so I do my

little turn on my cat walk, I shake my little touche on my

cat walk, I'm a lie-on if you know what I mean so I shake my

little touche' on my cat walk.  The whole Universe dances to my

walk, romances to my talk, while I do my little turn on my cat

walk.  They do adore my Mother Mary, they do adore the whore they

scorned that's me I'm Mary. I come dressed in scarlet red as

a warning, clothed with the Sun there is a global warming.



Here stand up, let's clink hips on our sides. See hip no ties,

tell no lies. Hip no ties come inside.  A horny game we came to

play. The Judge said delay, the Judge-meant-day of wreck-on-in.

You can lean on me whenever you feel pain and sorrow.  There will

always be another tomorrow. Lean on me.  There's another little

surprise, I bet you didn't know I could sing."



James: "No, Lana your full of surprises. I'm just god of a

network."



Lana: "Remember God's a woman too.  Here's to yuh.  ( Clink,

sip.) Want to go on a trip down memory lane, remember when you

were young. Here's some history of my Lanabelle's surprise.

They're a specialty of this house. I taught the cocktail

waiter how to make 'em.  I invented them.  When I was a little

girl and you were a little guy my first doll was Lanabelle.

Lana's first love, was yours a teddy bear? ( James: "Yeah." )

When I grew up a little I decided to call it a drink. A nice

banana and strawberry fruity mix with chocolate syrup and

vanilla ice scream stirred in, spiced with cinnamon, called

Lanabelle's delight.  It tasted alright.  Then when I got older

I got a lot bolder and decided to devise a concoction that

would help me rock all through the night.  Boy was I surprised.

I mixed Lanabelle's delight with a sonic boom and when the

mixture is just right and the mixture starts to rise it gives

you quite a surprise. So I decided to call it Lanabelle's

surprise. It's spiked with sinner men.  Surprised. It's a

rocket launch pad fad without any rads. When it hits you

kaboom, you won't even know you left the room.  Drink one and

your surprised.  Drink two and your hypnotized.  Drink three

and your lips are on fire.  Drink four and your flying. Drink

five and you dare not drive.  Drink six and it gives you a

kick. Drink seven and you think your in heaven.  Drink eight

and your hurdling the pearly gates. Drink nine and your blind.

Drink ten and your dead. No one's ever drunk eleven because

they'd be in heaven.  Now that your nice and relaxed what do

you make of all this fuss back at work? ( Sips through

straw this time. )"



James: " I don't know, but I bet my tie it was those two guys

that gave our virus the flick. "



Lana: " What makes you say that Vick, I mean what's your name

James? That's another little surprise, I've been with other

guys."



James: "That's no surprise to me, well those guys ran some

sort of test on my server.  For all I know it could have

contained a program I've read about called Net Hack.  It

steals your password by simply running it on your server.  I

don't deserve this.  Somehow someone has gleaned my supervisor

permissions, and that's why I'm in such a precarious

position."



Lana: "You could be right James. A lot of those Mediterranean

types have links to the mob. Why didn't they just knock off

the net?"



James: "I suspect they're going for the grand slam. They must

want the whole damn tennis court."



They both had a few too many drinks, and both loosened up

their links, and Lana gave him a wink. Occasionally she gave

him her butter-fly blink. She laughed, and joked

about the good times she had with the office blokes.



Lana: "Remember the time I tripped over the network cable, and

brought the whole system down. Oh I feel unstable."



James: "Yes I remember well, Lana. Wanna grab my arm."



Lana: "I'd rather it was your banana."



James: "Like in your Lanabelle's surprise, now that would be a

surprise."



Lana: I would like you to know, how appreciative I am, about

you being so nice to me about me bwinging down the WAN.  Hick.

Where was I, I was talkin' about your bawana wasn't I."



James: "Think nothing of it, I prefer the gentle touch with

you Lana."



Lana: "So your a gentleman James. Do you want to come back to

my place and see my etchings? They're weally good. "



This made James feel rather randy.



James: "Do you want me to come back to your place, and see my

letchings?"



Lana: "One more time. Sip no ties. Hip no ties. Zip no flys.

My drink is a woman. Have you ever known a real woman to have

a fly.  We have zips but no flys to undo by you guys. There on

the back. Did you no I'm a drink with zip on back, I am

Lanabelle's surprise in disguise look up into the sky.  I read

it in the stars.  I'm on the rise.  I have my own charts.

I've given all them new names because the stars always change.

They're dynamic like me always full of surprises like the star

of Bethlehem was a supa nova exploding. I know it's time for

my rise, I saw Lanabelle's surprise in the sky tipped on it's

side and Orion's got his eye on that drink and is thinking of

having a sip when the big dippers riding high in the sky.



James: "Like Alex Dipiarnamaro riding high in the sky he's the

big dipper of the football field."



Lana: "You guys love your sport. I'm in disguise when I'm

riding high, I'm Lanabelle. When I'm riding low, I'm the

eagle keeled for a dive, I'm Lana. Up and down, Up and down.

I'm Lanabelle straight from hell aren't you surprised."



James: "Your full of Lanabelle surprises, I'd love to have

been riding the winged keel the day we whipped the pants off

the America Cup challenge team and stole there America's cup."



Lana: "You do love your sport. That's why I'm here, I'm the

winged keel awe, I'm hired he flies.  We'll be riding high

tonight kid.  I'm the queen of dreams.  Anything you ask for in

my name you may receive if you worship me. Did you know I own Tip

no Ties that's why the drinks are for free on me. I've got

another surprise for yuh.  I've got a boyfriend but when I'm

Lanabelle I can't remember his name, and when I'm Lana I can.

He's a king, he gave me this ring. I'm engaged to him. It's

magical it gives me super powers. I'm the Eve eater of Eve

eaters, I'm mad-on-agghhhhhhhhhhh I'm the statue of liberty.

Kings and all their followers worship me. I'm the most powerful

woman on this planet. I'm your best friend and your worst enemy.

I'm a super bitch and a super witch all rolled into one. If any

man dared rape me I'd get them back, even if I had to destroy the

whole planet. My old fire and brim stone mum taught me that

trick.  The rings represent rocks dropped on my hands, by stone

throwing bands, a band of ring for abandoned sins with rocks on

top, that's my ring. She says Lana if any man rapes you get him

back when he least expects it. When his pants are down so to

speak.  She's right you can't trust the Lore arena. Sometimes

it's better to take them into the back room and beat the crap out

of them. I get real nasty when I get too many Lanabelle's

surprises under my belt.  I really fuck up. And they better not

betray me like the False Profit did. Why he grabbed my buns while

in a restaurant that ain't no way to treat a lady. I gave him

power to bring down fire with his finger tips, how to be a touch

tie-pissed, and he didn't even pay for his drink. I'll get him

back one day, his days are numbered. He stole my engagement ring

given by my king for he is a bit of a magician. But when he

turned his back on me I gave him a swift kick up the behind that

made him drop my ring.  I was an angry kickboxer a hell of a mad

dam, he is a hell of a sad dam that man.  Now I hate him for he

damaged my ring it's my dearest treasure it gives me great

pleasure to look at.  It has seven stones and each stone is a

throne of a king and now he has chipped one of the jewels of a

ruler. He is the prince of darkness and the Devil is his king.

If he ever tries to steal my ring again I'll bring fire down on

him and that will be the end of him. I don't beat around the

bush, I'm straight down the line.  I even own a ray gun. I call

him Ronald. I named him after a clown who used to greet me at

this hamburger joint. He was full of surprises just like my

Lanabelle's surprises I read his stars for him, he's a bit of a

half wit, near Houston.  Boy does Ronald's laser, lay-sir, hues

stun. I know your thinking Ronald doesn't have any stars, just

stripes.  But you've never seen his boxer shorts, sport.



Sometimes I worry about the future of our children and what we

possess in side. So my greatest trip of all time is to carry

my invisible ray gun by my side all of the time. I'm not

scared to use it for I'm threatened nearly all the time. No

matter how hard they try to make my children bleed they can't

take away my dignity.  For my greatest treasure of all you see

is to carry my Ronald ray gun with me, for everyone in the

world to achieve peace with me.  So nobody would ever mess

with me, I want everybody to live with dignity. I want

everybody to have a good time on my side.



I've even conquered a bear.  It's my care bear now.  I look

after it. It talks to me now and then about bear hunters and

guns and things. I look after my bear, I comb it every night

with spy satellites riding high in the sky. I like to look

after my bear, good friends are hard to find.



Kings drink with me until they're drunk with me, my horny

potion.  I've got another surprise for you, every potions got

a banana in it because Lana's bananas.  Look see my ring

there's my Australis stone and sitting on the throne is the

Grim Reaper with his skeleton crew and he once told me that

his kingdom was a banana republic. What do you expect when

you-knighted fruit, my little chick-eater? They're my flavor of

the month. Ha, ha, ha, and the Australis serpent is on the rise.

There's a lot of bone pointing. He's an aborigine at his red

centred heart he wears black a lot. I've sent one of his

clients back with a magical flute that will transform his

little daughter into a servant of mine who will be a lightning

speed snake catching charmer and she will catch that serpent

and break it's back against a tree for me, next month while on

a picnic at hanging rock. She will help me in my hour of need

to be freed from the evil empire of iron that shall rise

shortly and try to make a slave out of me.



See the Grim Reaper tossing up a two bob bit, his favorite

coin.  It has a picture of a hawk on both sides.  One is it's

crying face and the other is it's lying face. He tosses it in

remembrance of his predecessor who had the gift of crying at

the right time.  He tosses his coin and says `to cry or not to

cry what was the question?'  That's while he shakes his spear

in fear when I'm near.  I say cowardy custard worship me

Lanabelle the whore your predecessor the Reverend fell out of

favor for giving up the whore.  The middle of the coin was

honest bob and his middle name was James. I turned Bob into a

token emperor James.  Did you think he'd reign forever when

he lied about which is your real honest name, honestly James.

I'll make your banana republic into banana custard for him to

stir with your spoon all day to keep the skeleton crew shaking

in their boots.  The custard is infested with hungry shark

whores in red bikinis doing the Australian crawl while crows

overhead call `Fark, fark, fark.' tempting you all. The

skeleton crew whine, `Press would have our blood if we get

bitten by one of those fucking sharks.' The Grim Reaper plays

two up while he contemplates my cup.



Men fear me for my servants know all their secrets and if they

betray me I betray them in kind by telling all the people on

the streets and the media satisfy their curiosity with the

potence of my ferocity when I cry out their name in vain, like

they do to Jesus all day. I call my followers my mean machine,

for those guys think my trip is a wet dream and my Lanabelle's

surprise is mere spice between my servant's thighs, boy do

they get surprised when it hits them right between the eyes.



Every guy thinks they're the perfect guy for me and try any

position with me but they remember I'm a lady.  I deny them my

superposition which is my mind meld.  When I meet the right

guy it's bye bye to all my lies, and I'll even give up my whine.

Let's split man, come out in the street. See all those hookers.

Gees my duel of the rob hurts. Pity women walking down the

street, pity women the kind you like to meet, pity women. Won't

you go on home it's late, maybe tomorrow night we'll mate. Myhrr

see, what do I see, are you gutter crawlin' back to me? Rowwwwww.

I see you crawlin' back to me. Oh, woh, pity women. Come back to

my place James."



Fire flew from her finger tips, right into his eyes, that said

it's time to go.  The fire really blew his mind and he knew

he had no show.  The wicked witch drew him near, he felt her

power, and he said `Let's go.'



James: " Let's go. I've got you babe."



Lana: " Good, I like a guy who likes to share. If I could turn on

guys. If I could find a way, I'd make backside perves really pay.

I know why guys eyes dig my split, I know why guys wet their

lips, they keep thinking of my banana splits. My butt is well

carried with taut, lean thighs. Perves are my weapon to woo some

guys. I admit I'm really keen to flirt too. I admit I want to see

their numbers grow. But baby remember they're only following my

behind. But for you sweet James I'd leave them all behind. "



They caught a taxi to Lana's place in Ramsay street. They tipped

the taxi driver and Lana let him in to her double story mansion.

She poured him some port and then fell into his arms she pressed

her lips against his. Their tongues entwined and they tasted each

others wine. They became more and more aroused, and slinked

to the floor on to Lana's white plush bear rug.



James: " Ouch, it's got claws."



Lana: "It's my care bear. It's dead now, it won't bite you."



Lana wrapped the rug around her, and they climbed upped the

stairs and crawled into her king size bed, naked.



Lana: " Did you bring any protection?"



James: " Protection! No, I kind of hoped you would come

prepared."



Lana screams then bursts in to song.



Lana: "Aggghhhhhhh. Back, back, back. I'll show you a little cold

shoulder.  Slack, slack, slack. You men are always the same who

do I blame.



James sings back.



James: "Lana I'm sorry I didn't bring a sling for my sin pin to

sit in."



Lana: "Slack, slack, slack, I always get you guys back for your

lame game. Wack, wack, wack, I don't ever want you to come back

again. Sack, sack, sack, go to sleep and you can forget about our

little fling."



James looking very grumpy turned his back on her, and pulled up

the covers.



Lana: "James, I do happen to have a condom a little past it's use

buy date. Are you prepared to take a dicey ride, and a little

chance with a fun filled romance?"



James: " Yeah, I'll take my chance."



Lana: " Good, I always like a randy gambler."



Lana walked across  the room and put red rosy lipstick thick on

her lips. She then picked up his shirt.



Lana: "Nice shirt."



She pressed the collar against his lips.



Lana: "Oops, what a shame, a little accident. I could get it

cleaned for yuh, and drop it off to yuh wife tomorrow night. Or

you could wear it home and take a chance with she who rules the

lounge room."



James gulped, but was too randy to stop now. He shrugged his

shoulders.



James: "What the heck, my life is already a mess."



They fell into each others arms giggling with delight when Lana

yelled.



Lana: "Oh, no. I forgot to put the rubbish out. Will you do the

honors James. You can wear my dressing gown, and fluffy ducky

slippers."



James obliged, and put on the dressing gown, and slippers. They

made quacking noises as he walked.



James: " Oh no, their driving me quackers."



He went in to the street, and a dog he did meet.



James: " Here boy, good dog."



He patted it and it wagged it's tail excitedly. He looked

ridiculous with his erection sticking up in the front of Lana's

firmly tied dressing gown. Across the street, in bed sat dirty

old Myrttle the insomniac, with her husband Harry lying asleep

next to her. She peered through the drapes at James, and began to

nudge her husband.



Myrttle: " Ay, Harry it's that whore again, putting out the

rubbish. You'll never believe this, it looks like she's got a

banana shoved up her muff."



James hurdles a fence.



Myrttle: " My God that must have hurt, how kinky can you get. I

always wondered how bananas got bent. Oh she's gone."



Harry: " What's up Myrttle?"



Myrttle: " Oh go back to sleep Harry, you'd never believe me. You

missed out on a good show. I must try that sometime, I'm not

getting any from you anymore Harry, you old fart."



James went back to Lana's bedroom.



James: " An old lady across the road saw me, I hope she doesn't

cause you any trouble Lana."



Lana: " Oh, I owe you one James. That'll be that old pervert

Myrttle, I'll fix her."



Lana got out of bed and went to the window and pulled out a

banana from the nearby fruit bowl and waved it at Myrtlle.  She

yelled across the street.



Lana: "Why don't you try this up yuh bum, you old pervert?"



Myrtlle: " Well I never."



Just at this time the rubbish truck was coming down the street

and a man on the back looked up at Lana waving the banana. The

dog growled at the dustman.



Dog: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr......"



The dustman yelled to Lana.



Dustman: "Hey how about a little romance, what are my chances?"



Lana: " You'll have too fight off my friend first."



Lana held up the bear rug to the window, with bared teeth and

claws, so the male whore saw. She then went back to bed with

James.



Lana: " I can read your mind, your pretending I'm Jap Angela,

your wondering about her tattoo. I gave it to her you know.

She's was the Reggae-Csar queen of Japan, her favorite record was

Bob Marley's `Legend'. I do CD readings and gave her a tattoo

called Legend to remember me by. I didn't give it right near her

Nagasaki tits, I gave it right down low on her buns. She said `Is

this love, and I said `No woman, no cry. Could you be loved. I

said `What would you like, three little birds, a buffalo

soldier.' I said `Get up stand up', then I got the ink and stir

it up. I said `One love, people get ready we had an audience. I

said remember Pearl Harbour, and she said `I shot the sheriff'

and I said `Yeah but you did not shoot the deputy.' She was

waiting in vain, and then she sang me her redemption song to

satisfy my soul. Then she did her exodus while jamming her

fingers in the door. She cried out `Arse owe.', I think she

called me an arsehole or something, huh hah in Japanese.  It's

everyday I get a new-cum like her James.


Wrath's-child cards are Master card, V-Csar card, A-Mary-can

X-press ( X= Christ as in Xmas ), bank card whose symbol is

                        :::
                        ::HM;
A Celtic design tattoo  :LM;: = three convoluted 6's 666, you
                        :HM<:
                        HMMM<

can't buy, sell or travel without. I be 'em all and I'm in

the red. Welcome to my sell-tick count down tattoo you

removal show.  Start me up, you can't get everything that you

want, no Face, no hands, know pulse-aghhh queue. Good buy

ruby choose day who could hang a name on you, and with every

new day still I'm gonna miss you.  I am the lyer of lyer's, a

Rue-be lay-sir witch of Jew-Rue-Salem. Like a hey haze red

faced queue-boyed box. A pulsed ruby, in the red laser that

does sect conned hand CD readings and listens to books. I'm

lit-tell Miss Trois-belle a color tell-He-vision, and I'm the

holder of the die-nah card who has the pow-whirr to erase the

magnetic PIN knumb-burr of 666."




Lana hypnotised James and sang to James while standing on the

bed.



Lana: "Look into my eyes, they hip-know-ties. Hey I'm Sindee

Elope hah. So climb my stocking ladder slide James. Look and

you'll find it time after time.  If you fall I will catch you,

I'll be waiting, time after time.  Why am I waiting, maybe you

can't find it, it's too hard to find. It's just an illusion from

your queen of dreams come lie with me. Come share in my wine.

Come to me whenever you feel pain and sorrow, there will always

be another tomorrow. Sleep with me when you feel pain and sorrow,

for there may never be another tomorrow. "



Their loins wetted with passion, as they rhythmically stroked,

each others breasts and thighs rising to knew heights of ecstasy.

They made love, moving together in unison finally exploding with

orgasm as their loins filled with the juices of passion.



Lana: "Your a good root in more ways than one James."



James: "That sounds like my position as a UNIX supervisor, at

Amax."



Lana: "Oh no James, your not one of those eunuches. Believe me I

collect roots, and your no dud."



James fell asleep, and Lana gave him a local anesthetic on the

behind and left a tattoo of a yellow rose with the Messiah at

it's centre to remember her by.  James awoke hours later and

looked at the clock.



James: " Hey, it's six o'clock I better scoot, and I'll take my

shirt. See you at work Lana. Gees my bum feels numb, I must have

slept on it funny."



He blew her a kiss, and she smiled and rolled over.



Lana: " Good night numb nuts, I'll be in contact. "



He took off for home rapidly. He thought `Oh dear what am I going

to tell the wife. Maybe I should have an AIDS test.' Later in his

life James told others of his encounter with Lana, and

affectionately called it `The sermon of the mount.'



( Choir: `They took the out the splinter, and filled it with

glitter, they whored, they scored, they flied. One Lord, one

whore, AIDS got into the splinter with a thorn inside. One Lord,

One Light, pray for forgiveness and all be right. When a woman

loves a man, she treats him like a king, to remove the sting from

his hand. For it's just like a woman whose only human, to

understand her man. )



Shortly after Lana was awoken with a knock at the door.  It was

the dustman holding a bunch of flowers.



Dustman: "Can I come in, I've got a little surprize for yuh."



Lana: "Sure, come on in. I kinda expected you to show up, sooner
or

later."



Dustman: " Oooo, I like a girl whose keen."



He came in and, suddenly grabbed Lana around the neck. He held

the flowers to her throat, and they transformed into Freddy

Kruger's finger knife glove. He had turned into Freddy.



Freddy: "Your mine bitch. Make me a Lanabelle surprise."



A cocktail glass appears before Freddy, he drinks it.



Lana: " Lanabelle thrives make my Lanabelle surprise turn into

nine, Freddy your blind."



She broke free from Freddy in his drunken stupor, and grabs the

banana from the fruit bowl, and peels it. She skips around the

room while eating the banana, singing.



Lana: "In a previous life I was dream mistress from another

dimension. I'm under a spell of protection from my boyfriend's

resurrection, and you can't get me.  Nah, na, na, nah, na, nah

Freddy can't get me."



Freddy feels his way around the room breaking everything he

touches, and finally finds Lana's banana skin. He rubs it in his

eyes and the banana balm cures his blindness.



Freddy: "Banana peel my eyes do heal. Prepare to die witch."



Lana: "Banana balm overcome, turn your glove into a banana

bunch. Say your prayers Freddy, I'll banish you to Hellonia, with

a banana munch, munch, munch."



His glove changed to a banana bunch.



Freddy: " Please don't banish me, Lord Lucifus will destroy me.

I'll do anything to have my glove back. Come on let's make a

deal."



Lana: " Then you must promise to be my faithful servant, and

don't ever call me bitch again."



Freddy: " I promise."



Lana: "OK, you've got a deal. Now go dine with the hound dogs of

Hell."



Freddy's glove changed back, and a circle of fire appeared and he

jumped through it as commanded, to go dine with the hound dogs of

hell.



                      Chapter 5



James arrived home to greet his wife, that morning.

He knew he'd be in strife for whoring.



James: "Good morning, love."



He was looking rather guilty.



Carole: "Where have you been?"



He thought of apple slice.



James: "I'll try to explain love. I've got terrible news.

Someone broke into my computer room.  The systems been pulped

up.  The police think I'm the culprit.  I'm afraid I

had a bit too much to drink last night, and stayed over at

Alan's for the night. I'm sorry I didn't ring, you last

night.  That I guess was a big mistake. God I've got a

headache, I can hardly stay awake, I'm really very tired.

It's time I lied down, for awhile."



James thought he was home and dry. But shortly receives

Carole's sermon on the mount and a smack in the eye.



Carole: "That's terrible James, what a shame.  I wish you'd

given me a holla. What's that on your collar?  Lipstick!

James your a lying, two timing dip stick. I worried about

you all night you creep. I'm not taking this, forget about a

kiss, and your still pissed.  How about trying my fist to

eat for breakfast like Kellog's leopard says, `It goes crunch

to boot and gives you a loose tooth. It's Kellog's Fisties'"



She punched him right between the eyes.



James: "Honey smacks, I don't deserve you, I didn't mean to

hurt you."



She went deaf to his words, and threw a plate at his head.

He ducked, and it missed, and hit the wall. She stomped

around like she owned the lounge room.



Carole: "You men think of nothing, but yourselves, and having

sex with other girls. Your a selfish, conceited, arrogant,

man. Aren't there any good men left in the world. I'd love to

turn you all in to slaves and milk your sperm for impregnation,

you pin head worm while under anesthetic, just so you didn't

enjoy yourself."



James has a shower and looks at his behind, there is a yellow

rose tattoo on his left buttock. He heard Lana's voice in his

head.



Lanabelle's voice: "That's my surprise James, for you are my

slave, you will worship me everyday. My yellow rose is the

mark of the golden lady, to keep woman away, for you are a girl

for the rest of your days. Notice the thorns you'll be full of

pricks, I'm the only girl you'll ever pick.  Come to me, follow

me wherever you go, with my empire rose. Now I'll find you some

clothes to wear. Those old torn Levi's look very nice. Rip them

some more, I'd like them right. Put them on, look I can see

your bum with my tattoo on. You'll walk to work, you'll make

all the girls talk. You can't wash it off it's magical mark it

glows in the dark. Take them off, training session has begun.

Here comes your wife ready to mellow wait to she sees my yellow

mellow on your backside. Trick or Treat. ( James: " Treat." )

Treat please mistress. ( James: " Treat please mistress." ) You

may plead with your wife to forgive you this time sucker her

days are numbered."



Carole walks in the room.  He scrambles to the bed and sits

down to hide his mark.



Carole: "James, promise me you will never play up again. I

would like us to stay together. I insist we make love, and I

don't mean lust. Your betrayal of trust, may have brought us

closer together, although I guess you must think I'm off my

brain."



James: "( Lanabelle: Tell her your through with woman and love

only men, as your my bent banana. ) I promise I'll never play

up again. ( his ribs are picked by demon kicks.) Ouch  I'm

sorry I've caused you so much pain.  I hope you'll be able to

love me again. I'm fond of you, but ouch, have a sudden urge to

seek the company of men.  Carole I love you just the same."



Carole: "What bull, I'll prove your straight let's make love

it'd be great. Your sick, you need a counsellor.  Go across to

the church across the road and unload your problems on to

Reverend King. What are you hiding, show me your behind. My

God, a tattoo! You did take a walk on the wild side last night.

Hah, hah, hah. It serves you right. Your stuck with me now kid.

Who'd have you with one of those. There is justice in the

world. Let me pat your cut lip with this towel. You poor man."



He goes across the street some girls pass him by as he wiggles

as he walks. They wolf whistle at his bare behind.



Young Lady: "Hello ducky, are you one of those? I love the

yellow rose. I'd give anything for one of those."



He goes across to the church.  He sits in the church and prays.



James: "( Lana: Hi I'm Lana so your visiting one of my

boyfriends haunts. He's full of surprises. ) Father forgive me

for my sins, what can I do. ( God: Pray to my Son.) Jesus

please forgive me I've really fucked up this time. Have you

seen my behind. ( Jesus: Mmmmm. Lanabelle's curse open your

purse and I'll drop the curse. Now you can see it's a wallet

you've been walloped with loads more curses. Speak to me and

I'll unravel her mystery. Look at your behind and see that

yellow rose is a tickle of her toes. Now just say Yellow rose

go. See vanished. Lanabelle's leather belt is thick with her

studs, say thistle and thorn, make my stud go. Vanished see.

I've vanquished her tease. Now forgive Lana the girls quite

bananas.  ) Lord I forgive Lana for her cloak of bananas and

all her curses. ( Jesus: " Good join with me in communion real

soon now, your the talk of the town your split pants are saying

let's romance. Be a good boy and don't be a whore or her

invisible rose will reappear.  But remember your a guy it's

still OK to sleep with your wife, so stop worrying about your

precious behind.  My Father will provide for those poofta men.

Ha, ha, hah." ) "



The tattoo had vanished and his poofterish desires vanquished.

He was riding high with God on his mind.  He was cruising and

thought I need some new clothes. A gorgeous female saunters

past and smiles at him.



James: "Oh God, what chance have I got, my rose has come back."



So instead of going home he went to Melbourne on a train, boy

did he get some stares. He went into Daimaru shopping centre

while riding the escalator, a middle aged Italian woman grabbed

his left bun and gave it a squeeze. She pouted as if to say

give me a kiss. He went in a shop and picked out a yellow suit

and a beanie. He went to the sports emporium and bought some

yellow roller blade gliders. He was the high riding, gliding

banana man. He had put his old threads in a bone colored

knapsack with golden sides like a slice of golden delicious

apple, and blue zipper at the travel goods shop.  He placed it

on his back.  ( Lana: I like a guy to look like a Lanabelle

surprise. Clothes in side. Zip up sides.  Ride through time.

Swing side to side.  My Lana guy.  Swing hips to side. Hips to

side. Do my Lana glide.  Have a nice ride. ) He took to the

streets and everyone peeked, and said.



Passer-by: "Hey look at that cool banana. Never seen anything

like that in Melbourne before."



Dr. Hoo visited Dr. Stanton but at the institute again.

He continued his discussion.



Dr. Hoo: "Good morning Stanton."



Stanton: "Good morning Doctor. Doctor, something must be done

to curb the mob from taking control of the Western world.



"I fear it is already too late it seems, to delay the

inevitable fate of Western democracy."



Stanton: "I see, what will replace our democracy Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "I fear an evil dictator, shall round up all the

corporations in a world wide operation and make you all slave

nations.  I must leave you this morning, I've got to pass on a

warning."





Back at Amax, James glided by to find two detectives waiting

for him, at his desk.



Detective: "James Frrrrrrredericks, you have a rrrrrrright to

rrrrrrremain silent, and don't trrrrrry anything violent.

Anything you may say shall be taken down and used in evidence

against yoo.  I'll rrrrrread out the charrrrrrges against yoo.

Malicious damage to AMAX's, computerrrrr system. Vandalism to

yourrrrrr rrrrrrrroom.  Suspected frrrrrrraud just to list a

few.  Your coming down to the station's pen for an

interrrrrview."



James: "Great start, to the morning huh."



He was escorted off by a couple of cops.



James: "I would like to offer my house, as security for

my bail out."



Detective: "That's yourrrrrr prrrrrrerrrrrogative, if you don't

like the pen, go ahead.  Just don't leave town, or we'll be

arrrrrround to lock you back up, don't forrrrrget. Do you have

to do your banana bend. Your makin' me sea sick. Yourrrrr a bit

of a rrrrrrrebel ay, torrrrrrn Levi's have coverrrrrred many a

rrrrrrrebels thighs, and look at yourrrrrr yellow beanie.

Arrrrrre yoo trrrrrrrrying to prrrrrrove yourrrrrr bananas, to

save yourrrrrrr skin Frederrrrrrricks.  We'll skin yoo alive

when you do slip up yoo old yellow banana scum bag."



James: "I'm high on banana cocktails. I just want to get

bailed."



Detective: "Bananas get the crrrrrrate, but yoo have the

rrrrrright to be bailed. So yourrrr a closed clam now.  We'll

prrrrry yoo open with a knuckle duster clam opener and eat you

alive.  You and Alan have been defrrrrrrauding AMAX, and

we'rrrre going to make a banana frrrrrritter out of yoo after

the court peels yourrrrrr skin and reveals all yourrrrrrrr sins

then we'll do the batterrrring.  And some nice prrrrrrison guys

will eat you with knives.  Tell us what yourrrrrrrrrrr motives

werrrrrrrrrre you yellow turrrrrrrrrd."



James: "I've got nothing to say, until I find a lawyer that

hates banana fritters, you blokes give me the jitters."



Detective: "Take him away and give him his bail, therrrrre's

plenty of time to waste before he's in jail making love with

ugly big prison bananas shoved up his behind. Think about that

while yoo make up yourrrrrrr mind and spill the beans. Then

maybe we'll find a rrrrrreal lean jail, not one that's

rrrrrrrreally mean, James.  By the look of yoo yourrrrrrr

crrrrrriminally insane.  And stop exposing yourrrrrrself, half

yourrrrrrr arrrrrrse is hanging out. I've seen baboons with

better looking arses. "



James went home, high on Lanabelle's hypnotic drones. He was

very distressed, and needed sedation. He rang his relation

named Doctor Hugh.



Hugh: "Hello."



James: "How are you Hugh.  ( Hugh: Fine. Are you alright? )

No, I'm in a spot of bother Hugh.  I'm really down.  Could you

come over to my place, and give me something to calm me down?"



Dr. Hugh: "I'll come over right away."



He came over to James house, and pressed the door bell to

make the house call. Brrrringgg, brrringgg.



James: "Come on in."



Dr. Hugh: "New clothes James. What's been happening?  "



James: "Just some trouble at work, a big misunderstanding about

a robbery at work. It'll work out alright just a storm in a tea

cup.  "



Hugh: "You look bananas, I hope things work out James.  Just

stop doing your trendy bending while I jab you in the bum.  Gee

you need new threads, you won't even need to take them down.  A

tattoo woo, you really have flipped James, you are bananas.

This just might sting.  This little sedative is like acid in a

pin.  There hardly marked the skin. With your tattoo there you

look really sweet. I always thought you were the black sheep of

the family. "



It stung in his bum painfully.



James: "Ouch.. a ripe banana blackens eventually."



Hugh: "You could never be that rotten, take care now. The world

is just a fair with justice in the air, though it may seem sour

now."



Carole: "Sour, he's turned very sweet. He's riding high on

banana power, not to mention he keeps showing off his stamped

peach."



Hugh: " He'll settle down soon, or I'm the banana with a bare

behind."



Hugh left the blood stained needle behind, it had slipped his

mind and he was behind time. He didn't like to see James

having a bad time.



James: "Damn he left the needle. I'll have to get rid of it

now, and for all I know, AIDS might be in it."



James feeling calmer than a swami, walked up the street to

the corner chemist store. James heard music ( Lana: Come to me

when you feel sorrow come to me and there will be a tomorrow.

Come to me.) He entered the drug store.



James: "Do you have a sharps container?  I've got a needle to

be contained, before it blows us away with AIDS. "



Chemist: "No we don't sell them."



James: "You mean in the day of AIDS, you can't buy a safety,

stick pin , disposal tin."



Dr.  Hoo entered the store and listened to what's going on.



James: "I've  heard, that AIDS infected needles left by

junkies, have been found in the sand heaps, near the local

beach. What are we supposed to do, walk around them, and

leave it for someone else to step on then? It's not as though

I'm asking to buy a needle, just a container to store it in.

There must be a market for it.  We do want to stop AIDS don't

we? Are the public safe from AIDS in Australia?  Perhaps some

tragic AIDS cases, could be avoided if proper precautions

are taken turkey.  Most AIDS infections are through intravenous

injections, and stick pin injuries.  Would your method of

avoiding a stick pin injuries be, to walk around the needle.

Don't you know others bleed brother. What would you do with it

when you picked it up, when a single prick, and your as dead as

a duck.  Tell me, do you give a damn."



Chemist: "There's more kinds of pricks than one you can catch

AIDS from, and your one. Put the God damn needle down you

clown, or I'll beat you over the head with this baseball bat.

I've been attacked by too many junkies lately. Look at your

jeans you bum.  I'm not interested in your problems, mate."



James: "I'm no bean head. Typical, go back to an I'm alright

Jack, and stop being a bat wielding, pill pushing clerk. Look

I'm cool bananas here. I'll Hip no Ties you."



Chemist: "Stop wriggling you bent banana, you look like your

trippin' to me you yellow bean head. Take off your cap in my

shop, show some respect. I've seen drunk aborigines with better

manners bub. (Lana: Come to me and bat with me.)"



Chemist: "I've never met a charismatic banana before. Are you

from Queensland. You really do look quite funny."



James: "I've been to dream land and back and it's my Queen's

land mad dam that I'm batting with and that's a fact."



Chemist: "So your batting on her team bean head. Get a peak

cap, give away the bean hat, and get a peak cap, and I'll bat

with you over the way someday. I love baseball. You make a

pretty pitcher ( picture ) with that yellow rose tattoo."



Dr. Hoo. "Nice banana head speech, James but I'd prefer you

didn't show off your peach.  I'm a time lord not a whore. I bet

you'd live with Lanabelle on your mind forever more, you

screwball highball."



Dr. Hoo was standing in the store looking at various

products, for controlling indigestion, infections, injections,

disection, the hair section, the sex section, and baby section

a section for nearly everything but resurrections and then went

for an interjection while James was thinking about changing his

name to Jane while banana bending.  Dr. Hoo squeezes James

shoulder.



Dr. Hoo: "James Fredericks, your green. I'm Doctor Hoo. I'm

here to help you over come your problem. I'm sure I can help

you, I'm taking out your court case. I'm a neurolinguistic

programmer for the inter-gal-lacked-ick federation. Hip-no-ties

lies, un zip peel from thighs, hip-no-ties lies, slip peel and

slide, Hip unties, break your tie with Lanabelle's lies."



James starts to behave normally.



James: "Really, well I'm going to need all the help I can

get, so I'll give you a fair go, tell me the rest. So your the

barman of Tip no Ties."



Dr. Hoo: "Good you do remember, well let's get acquainted

first."



James: "I've decided to ring the Aids Control, Suggestion

Box, to ask why no one sells a stick pin safety box."



Dr. Hoo: "It so happens I live in a phone box, parked in that

nearby paddock. It's not a cellular phone, but I can sell yuh

one, it goes up and it's mobile but it's not a yuppie phone,

oh no. It's a mobile phone but it's not Telecom owned.  You

can dial up the time but it's always wrong, but inside the

STARDUST it's always right.  It's my machine for time riding,

that I'm kindly providing. It's a nice time piece, for bringing

on peace, bringing on the police. The STARDUST is the fastest

thing on time. A time lords love and pride. Sit on the back

seat riding on time, in the future your a friend of mine. You

could make your phone call back in time, or forward in time

anywhere, anytime. You can win the lottery every week, predict

the weather or what's on TV, as we speak, sitting on the back

seat, checking out your time sheet. Riding until the end of

time."



James: "Hey I like you your more bananas than me Dr. Hoo. I

don't believe it.  An English phone booth, in a middle of a

paddock, amazing!"





Near the chemist, James saw a little girl on a bench with a

woodwind instrument, in her hands entrenched. Set in the

shape of the statue of liberty. She had it's feet in her

mouth, and her fingers danced about, as she played the tune,

Waltzing Matilda.  He admired the recorder.



James: "Hey little girl, that Liberty whistle. It plays a

nice tune. ( Lana: Hip no ties is no lies, Lanabelle thrives.)

What's your name?"



Girl: "I'm Tess. Yeah, my dad brought it back from America, for

me.  It's my favorite toy my love and joy. There's nothing more

precious than liberty, so my dolly Lanabelle says. I like your

yellow beanie I saw one like it on I dream of Jeanie, she was

bananas in that episode. She showed me how to make chocolate

sundaes."



James: "See yuh Tess, try a banana sundae it's called

Lanabelle's Delight, bananas, strawberries, chocolate sauce,

cinnamin sugar, ice cream and lemonade mixed in a special way."



James thought I dream of Lana and am full of surprises. He

followed the Doctor to the STARDUST, and ventured inside it,

buzzing to the beat of Lanabelle's Liberty whistle.



James: "God this, time machine is really something!"



James looked at all the dials, and control panels.



Dr. Hoo: "Don't touch those dials, I'm the time lord, James."



James: "I hope you can help me a lot better than the local

authorities, seem to be doing. Doctor."



The Doctor picked up a scanner, and passed it over James

body.



Dr. Hoo: " It's the pass over James, but no bread or wine this

time, your drunk on Lanabelle surprises.  Mustn't be last

supper time or you'd have a red beanie on not yellow. When time

travellers pass the time we often put our red beanie on and

drink red wine to the time lord of lords. I'm a screwball

highball on fruit of the vine most of the time not on Lanabelle

surprises see, they'd rot your brain in no time. Just as I

thought.  You've got AIDS."



James: "AIDS, Oh no, what else could go wrong in my life?"



Dr. Hoo: "Don't ask. Have you made love with your wife

lately?"



James: "Well she's hardly talking to me at the moment, over a

one night stand, I had with Lana.  But we made love last night,

to try and make all things right. I really had a good time

riding her while high on her Lanabelle's surprises."





Dr. Hoo: "I see the four of you have probably got the virus."



James: "Four, is my wife pregnant?"



Dr. Hoo: "I'm afraid so, I've been to the future and

he was confirmed. He's a little old wine drinker like me."



James: "Have you've got a cure for AIDS, Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "No, I've no cure, I'm not pure. I'd have to take you

to a galaxy, where time lords pure as divine ice, are

gathering, who have the gift, to lift the curse from you. It

works by drawing to a single point, the virus talks, to a

single point it rises to meet with holy fire, and then God

smokes the holy joint of fire, vaporizing the virus into holy

smoke and fire.  You've had a few visit on earth by Angels,

using the gift of their intergalactic King.  But we have no

time to find them, so you'll do fine, there's plenty of time

before you die."



James: "Angels, with wings, they really existed?"



Dr. Hoo: "Well the wings, are actually antigravity belt

girdles that they use for jumping hurdles. Just as Jesus

walked on water, with out the aid of a girdle, they can use the

same skills to fly. They use the wings to steer, and hover in

the sky to surprise girls and guys how high and mighty they

are.  Anyhow your out of luck, their aren't any Angels, for

light years ahead so your stuck, and there's no time to go

hunting for Lanabelle fucks, either or you'll drink her cup

to death, you banana bunch lush."



James: "Well can you help me with my legal battle then?"



Dr. Hoo: "Yes, I've picked out an honest player for you, a

Mr. Schaefer. I implore you to employ this lawyer, I'm sure

he'll cruise missile you to a splendid victory.  After my own

careful observation the best source of persuasion is to ask a

Lanturn engineer to appear as a witness to steer them towards

Net Hack. Yes it can steal passwords even when run by idiots

it's a fact."



James: "The existence of Net Hack, could possibly save the

day then? "



Dr. Hoo: "Yes, Net Hack could be your saviour it's fifty fifty,

James."



James: "How do you know this Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "Though it seems silly, Net Hacks absolved your

responsibilities, My psychic abilities tell me, there is

nothing to it really. Your innocence will shine through believe

me. It all depends on how many others lie deceive and

misunderstand you."



James: "Amazing Doctor, now If only I'd listened more

carefully at the conference I attended, and acted on good

advise from the Lanturn representative about keeping backup

tapes off site, regularly. I wouldn't be in this mess."



Dr. Hoo: "Put it down to experience James. You'll breeze

through the court case just the same."



James: " I can't help wondering about your nails, why don't you

have any?"



Dr. Hoo: "Remember Lanabelle's care bear. Well I used to be her

black cat that sat on her bear mat. I used to be a compulsive

clawer, and ripped out great chunks of it and spread it on her

plush carpet. Lanabelle was really cheesed off because she used

to have to Edgar J. Hoover the carpet nightly, and it was too

powerful a vacuum cleaner and damaged the pile on her all

American plush carpet. So she declawed me so she didn't have to

abandon me. Now she just combs her carpet with a brush once in

a while that's why her place is a pig sty.  I forgive her, she

means well.  Now I'm a man who works for the Lord. He showed me

how to forgive the whore."



Back at Amax, the security expert had just provided

management, with his preliminary report.



Neil: "Here's my preliminary report, on the network

state of order Eric."



Neil Filbert sat before the managing director. The report they

disected, he wanted to know the score. Lana walks in.



Lana: "Hi I'm Lana do you want to know who rooted the server I

mean who was the root of the server. You look like a really

nice guy. It's banana head Jane, whose really James he thinks

he's a woman.  He spilled the beans at Tip no Ties, trust me I

tell no lies."





Manager: "Yes Lana, we know James has problems but I don't

think Neil needs to know the in's and outs of it all. Good-

bye."



Lana leaves the room and places her typed letters on the

manager's desk.



Neil: "Oooooo. Foxy lady she drives me crazy."



Manager: "Yes let's get back to the current mission not your

banana mission. AMAX: MISSION CRITICAL FAILURE-PRELIMINARY

REPORT In my view, mission critical failure could have been

avoided if steps had been taken to stop being defrauded.



Rapid, growth of this LAN, should have resulted in an extra

man, to check security more carefully, more regularly.



Due to the importance of network data, management should have

made it mandatory that all data was backed up regularly.



Fileserver room security, should have been graded regularly.

So if they wanted to thieve, they'd have to burrow in.





Off site storage of media should have been the correct

procedure. Not out of sight out of his mind like our boy

Jane, I mean James did."



Neil: "Tape reliability should have been addressed in

particular, in that respect I'm a stickler. Is Lana single."



Manager: " Yes she is, a backup server, should have been

reserved.



Neil: "She's looks pretty straight forward, not very

reserved to me. "



Manager: " Nice to see your mind's on the job. She's the office

tart, she's bananas but we love her just the same. She brings

me banana, custard tarts every other week. Security rights of

the server, are preserved on floppy disk certainly."





Neil: "Oooo she brings in some yellow skin, Asian friends then,

the ability to temporarily, relocate operations, in case of

evacuation.



Manager: " No just treats to eat to keep me on her side. I

forgive her for her many misgivings, she means well. Means to

recover from natural disasters, should be mastered. She's a bit

of a walking disaster herself some days. Throws papers

everywhere. Her bad time of the month I fear her when she

bleeds. I'd rather deal with, equipment failure, illness and

thieves than face that crazy lady.  "





Neil: " A fiery bitch then, a time line of disaster recovery

procedures, needs to be outlined. All staff must have clear

definition of their duties in mind. Teamwork is essential.

Priorities of what has to be carried out, must be penciled.



Manager: " Your not wrong. The disaster recovery plan must be

trialled over a reasonable time, to check that it's effective.



Neil: "Well that's it then my conclusion is AMAX didn't use

them, your in chaos and confusion, it is highly unlikely, the

company will ever survive see. Bankruptcy proceedings, follow

me. Due to inadequate, forward planning of the LAN, you've

under spent on security and your company's near death. "



Manager: "I'm afraid that's not much good news for Amax.

There must be something you can do?"



Neil: "I'm straight down the line, you fucked up. Start again."



Manager: "Yes well then it's doom and gloom for our company.

Amax's productivity has declined significantly.  Accounting is

down to a dribbling, due to the lack of data in, and many

months of re-keying in data, isn't worth considering.  We'll be

bankrupt then.  I have no alternative but to retrench then, and

offer the company for sale then, for whatever I can get then.

Looks like I have to play the Grim Reaper like our fearless

leader."



Then a phone call came through to the managing director from

an interested buyer, a mobster named Toni.



Toni: "Good day, sorry to hear about your bankruptcy

proceedings.  I'm interested in buying up your company for $800

grand. "



Manager: "That's a rip off, it's worth 2 million tops."



Toni: " That was yesterday, old son. Today it's only worth

half a million, and I'm offering you 800,000 dollars chum."



Manager: "That would barely get me out of the red. How did you

get onto me so quickly?"



Toni: "Stop whining, Lana told me at Tip no Ties. They're

always on the buzz of things there mate. She told me to call

you before it's too late."



Manager: "That little bitch, I told her to keep quiet about

our problems."



Toni: "She's just trying to do you a favor, like her banana

drinks are the flavor of the month, she gave me one free for

lunch.  I'm with the Mafia, make me an offer I can't refuse."



Manager: " Tell the Sicilians, I'll accept one million."



Toni: "Agreed, what are going to do with yourself now Eric."



Manager: "I think I'll go join a satanist cult, at least there

you know everybody's only looking after themselves."



Amax was sold to the mob, who laughed and cheered about the

company they had robbed, and held a raunchy office party

shortly after, to celebrate they had a banana fritter for

lunch.  Drinks were on the house at Tip no Ties.



Toni: "One million dollars profit, in the AMAX deal, Yahoo.

In two weeks time, the backup tapes will turn up.  The data

can be restored, to original order by our installer. Let's ask

Lana to reorder our drinks. Most employees reinstated, we can

bleed their brains, and sack them later, let's have a good

wine with the waiter, and get him to hand the backup tapes back

to me later for I'm Amax's new LAN and business administrator,

the drinks are on me.  The company will prosper again under me,

and our main laundering accounts will be all handled

magnificently by ingenious old me. Let's look at this security

report."



Toni ignited Neil Filbert's Data Security Report.



Toni: "I don't need this Data Security Report I know what I'm

doing, I'm planning a rort. Let this report be a human torch,

James Fredericks of course.  I knew that would make you smile

Gino, Lana read your palm and said you'd replace a human torch.

The stupid bitch doesn't seem to know what day it is, this is

hush hush but she's a lush, and an easy score. She's a real

whore. Back to business James Fredericks didn't use a security

plan so why should I.  I've been allocated disaster, recovery

funds.  I'll use it to pay for a resort of mine, to supplement

my thirst for wine, woman and horse racing just for fun.  I

might even let Lana play with my leisure gun. That's the only

gun I'd let her near, she invokes in me a special kind of fear.

You know Gino, our scam's as safe as houses, man."



Gino: "I'll back you up boss. Your like a tape worm driver, and

a bit of an ape, here have some of Lana's slimy banana fruit

cake mate."



Toni: "Yeah backing up's the name of the game Gino.  The mob's

just one more network, to hack, back and crack, like I crack a

fat for Lana behind her back. She's hot, her no ice drinks are

nice, a pleasant retreat is Tip no Ties for people in the know,

who like a piece of apple slice isle to get a high. Sonic boom

brooms woo hoo."



Gino: "Yeah, that's a potent drop she's got, cheers to our new

career, Toni.  Can't you just see the power, and wealth

appearing before our eyes. Drink to me, when you wanna play a

high roller on a never ending roller coaster. I'm swimming in

my own adrenaline, I'm the high rolling king. Let's drink to

Lana."



Then Toni frowned as he downed another champagne.



Toni: "Most of the old staff at Amax are due to be sacked, now

let's drink to the man in black, for the Grim Reaper is back at

the helm, and I own Amax after our clever hack. I'm a corporate

pirate. Skull and cross bones are flying in my minds eye over

Amax, Gino."



It was Toni's first day back at AMAX, since it was hit. Angela

didn't like his attitude one bit, and still believed James was

innocent.  She recognized Toni from the anti-virus, snake of a

recovery team that had been there before, and seemed discontent

to see them.



Toni: "Your under new management, I'm the new captain of this

ship, and we want a fresh bright team here, so don't be

surprised to get your walking papers, after we've thoroughly

investigated you, OK.  We're full of surprises."



Angela: "I quit, no need to suss me out, srime bag."



She walked out, dragging her bag behind while dragging on a

fag, she knew it was her last time.



Lana: "I think your cute Toni, so your our new UNIX root,

Toni, do you like my long slender leather boots, don't they

just remind you of our horny hoofed forgotten roots. I like

your hips and thighs, your a really well built guy.  If you

ever feel lonely Toni, all you have to do is phone me, I'll

show you a really good time. Did you enjoy my drinks at Hip no

Ties.  Hey, I think I'd like to stay at Amax.  I'll ask you for

a rise in pay, if I'm to stay, come what may.  Toni, make my

day, would you like to get to know me, better.  Just say yes.

Remember Toni, you'll never own me, but you better get ready to

share my bed. I'm bred for the lonely, take eat of me, I'm a

tender peach plucked from the tree of life. For this is my

body, I'm giving to you, a fruit to choose, filled with potent

juices to soothe your rich, heavy, dark soul.  Taste the

pleasures of my horny brew, I'm offering to you, a well of

wishes waiting to come true. I love you."



Toni could not resist this temptress.



Toni: "Yes, yes, yes. Do forget the rest, I like you the

best. Lana, I do like your dress, I'm really quite impressed.

Your sexy and so neat, I think your really sweet. Your the

one I shall keep.  So stay in your seat . Everyone else get

out. Get on your feet, and out in to the street.  The sack is

really sweet ask your Grim Reaper tax cheat.  You have all made

my day, go play with hamburghlar at MacDonalds while waiting

for your social security cheques to clear.  There's nothing

more to say except, go ahead Lana, make my lunch. Chicken and

champagne while the rest of you go ask hamburghlar for a free

lunch."



Angela looked back, at the door at Lana the whore, and squashed

her cigarette butt on the floor. She dropped her jeans,

squatted on the floor and left a shit, on the floor.



Angela: "Back home in Japan we shit in a hole. This place is a

hole. Eat this for lunch you stupid whore, don't you know that

he'd treat you like shit forever more.  Oh shit Rana, your

bananas.  You've had more bananas than every banana tree in

Havana. Enjoy your banana heaven, with the captain of this

shit. ( She pointed at Toni.  )"



Toni: "Get out you Japanese cuty or I'll turn your cute

Hawaiian tattooed behind into sushi. ( He pulled out his flick

knife.) "



Angela: "Watch it, I'm an Olympic kick boxer champion."



Toni: "It won't beat my kick boxer. ( He pulls out his

revolver.) It gives quite a kick and it's name's deadly lead

Lee. It even has your name on it. "



Angela backed off and left through the front door and slammed

it behind her. Suddenly Toni saw the door splinter before his

eyes as she'd kick boxed the door from the other side.

He poked the gun through the hole, but she was standing by it's

side. She thrust a kung fu blow to his hand that caused the gun

to discharge. The bullet bounced off the pavement, and blew up

Toni's car, across the street. He dropped the gun which fell

back inside into her shit. Angela ran like the wind with a big

grin on her thin lips while her hips swayed side to side.  Lana

smiled with her full lips for they were two of a kind.  Jap

Angela ran as fast as lightning, she was very frightening.  She

did little loop de loops, and back flips while on the move.

She frightened mobsters fighting, Toni's arm was tightening, he

was in pain and damn near crying. He knew Angela was very

mighty, she looked so young and exciting.  Even while Kung Fu

fighting she looked so inviting.  She's a lady of the night,

nightly, you should see her in her silky see through nighty.

Jap Angela is a liberated girl of notoriety, with all the

variety of a sorority.



Toni: "Look what you did to my car you fucken bitch."



Weeks went by, things went well for Amax, the Sicilians were

raking in millions in cash.



Toni: " A million dollars in profits seen each week, our

accounts are bursting at the seams, it's so sweet. Thanks to

our illicit, computer trade, and being laid by my little lady

each week, with me in charge of Amax, the world is at my feet.

Gino, we've got it made. Have you seen the size of our pay?"



Gino: "Well I'll leave you to button down the hatches Captain

you clown.  I'm going out for a night on the town."



Toni: "I'm going to stay back here, it's almost the end of the

financial year.  Life's really, tough at the top, around here,

so much paper work to clear."





He often use to work back late, in the Amax security office, to

count the take. He imagined he was making entries in the

captains log. That night, he fell asleep at his desk, after

snorting cocaine, he felt like a rest, so placed his head on

his arms, and slept.  He dreamed of Lana.



Lana: "I'm captain of Tip no Ties Toni, and your my slave. Now

Toni training begins, get on your knees, worship me.  You've

been bad, you've been with other woman, you've failed in your

devotion.  Get up, put on my fluffy duck slippers, and

feathered duck suit.  Here I'll tie this rope around your neck.

Walk ( The slippers went quack, quack, quack.) Feeling lucky

duck then give my crutch a buzz.  If you satisfy me you'll get

your fuck.  But if you fail me you'll be my slave duck forever.

When you feel lonely Toni just dial 666 and I'll come to

fulfill your needs. I'm a witch.  If you betray me, I'll turn

you into a horny toad.  Better a duck than a horny toad, Toni.

I've got fire in my finger tips.  Here drink my fluffy duck

potion, for you have failed me in your devotion to the whore of

whores. Your a girl now Toni.  Kiss my fluffy duck curls and

make me feel divine Toni.  Ooops what a shame you missed, you

kissed my ring, now kiss my behind, for you are mine.  See how

that golden fleece eroded away Toni.  Now see how my yellow

rose glows on my behind Toni, want one of those on your behind,

it'll make you into one of those, my little ducky. It has

thorns for I am a vicious goddess, I bet you didn't know God

was a woman Toni, revenge is mine.  I'll show you a good time,

my little fluffy ducky fellow.  Marilyn Monroe tried to be me,

the world knew her as the queen bee, you tried to destroy my

girl Toni now satisfy me, or I'll make you a girl forever.

Marilyn's favorite drink was a fluffy duck only girls drink

fluffy ducks Toni.



What's for lunch?  ( Toni: What? ) Roast duck.  Go ahead duck

make my lunch, your in my pot, a hot bubble bath for a laugh.

Come to me when you fail in your devotion and I'll give you

magic potions.  Come to me when your low on emotions I'll fill

you up with fluffy duck potions, come to me.  When your done my

little ducky you'll hear bells ring, but there's only one guy

who could ever ring mine, and he drinks red wine."



While he slept, three skinheads were near, they thought they

might break in there.



Skinhead 1: "Let's break in to that office, and steal a

computer from it.  I know a guy who'll buy it for a good

profit."



They kicked in the front door, and saw the sign-

Data, Centre Fourth Floor.



Skinhead 1: "This way Dog Breath. To the data centre, all the

way with Al E. Gator."



Gator was the ring leader of the pair. So they scrambled up

the stairs, with a stumble and a stoop.  On the fourth floor

they discovered a sign on a door.  Fileserver Room, said the

sign on the door. A very nice PC, sat within. The two thugs

gave it the unplug, then gave it a quick tug, lifted it up with

a bear hug cling. They were ready to be off with their win.



Skinhead 2: "This'll do us fine, Gator. It's all mine."



Skinhead 1: "Pigs it is. Let's leave our mark."



He took out his spray can and sprayed XXX on the wall.



They had disconnected the power from the tower, and had no idea

they'd set off a silent alarm armed by James.  It phoned the

security office number, and woke up Toni from his erotic

slumber.  Brrrrrring, brrrrring. He picked up the handset, and

heard the message left by James tape machine.  "The fileserver

on level four has been stolen. The fileserver on level four has

been stolen..."



Suddenly his arteries became swollen, and caused pain in his

colon.  He grabbed his gun from the drawer, and went

upstairs to settle the score.



They were carrying the computer, when Toni thought shoot them,

but decided why not just boot them out.  He yelled at them.



Toni: "You hairless looters put down my computer, carefully.

Now go down stairs your free, before I fill you both with

extra holes through which to pea. Try to steal someone else's

PC, you arseholes."



Gator pissed on the floor with fear, it gushed down his

trouser's seam on to the floor, and left another pea sea they

never scored.  At ground level, they passed a printing store,

and Gator spoke to Dog Breath once more. He had vengeance in

mind while at the back door.



Skinhead 1: "Hey, Dog Breath, let's burn the God damn

building down, and fix up that PC loving, pea shooting clown."



So they grabbed tins of, cleaning fluid,  from the ground

floor, printing room, and spilled it all around.  They

assembled at the door, and threw a match on to the ground.



Skinhead 1: "Fire of mine rise to a gusto, take your time make

that swine die in this fire of mine ha, ha hah. You can keep

your pea seas ( PC's ) sucker. Eat fire for supper, you'll be

sorry you let us go arsehole."



In the fileserver room Toni tried to set up the tower on it's

side arms, and figure out how to reset it's alarm.  Suddenly,

he sensed someone was behind him, and that someone was armed.

He saw Dr. Hoo had stolen his gun, and snuck up on him, so Toni

disarmed, raised both of his arms. If he had seen a collection

plate he'd even give the Doctor alms right up to his shoulders.



Dr. Hoo: "The alarm resets automatically Toni, James Fredericks

threw in the alarm for you just for free. What's for tea

something's burning. Look red flames are rising, looks like we

might die in the fires of a towering inferno, Bozo."



Dr.  Hoo saw smoke, pouring into the room, and thought he

better leave very soon.  He let his guard down, so Toni lunged

forward, and wrestled with him for the gun, they fell to the

floor.  The floor was engulfed in head high flames, and Toni

gave up the game, looking very tame. Dr. Hoo regained the gun

and held it on Toni.



Toni: "How do we escape?"



Dr. Hoo: "We're blocked in, looks like we'll burn for our

sins, LAN king."



Toni began jabbering, and sobbing for he had lost everything.

He prayed out loud, amidst the smokey cloud.



Toni: "Oh LAN of God who taketh away the sins of the world.

Please forgive me, for my misgivings. Amen!"



He crossed his chest.



Dr. Hoo: "Oh LAN of God, my God, your a weird mob. Yes you have

sinned, by not developing, a workable disaster, recovery

plan you silly man. I've got your accounts book here in my

jacket. Let's look at your books before you cook Toni. The

columns are straight but the figures are crooked, nothing seems

to add up stupid. Scrimped on an accountant ay Toni. What a

shame, James said your safe is fire proof to paper but not to

magnetic tape. Here's your tapes they'll melt in the fire while

I place this book in the nice fire safe safe. Something special

for the Godfather to remember you by, Toni. Do you believe in

voluntary euthanasia from a stranger Mr.  Sicilian, or would

you like a manger of shredded paper for your bed, either way

your dead Toni. It'll be better than burning in this inferno.

Good-bye Toni."



Toni: "Wait, Freddy, I'm real lonely Freddy."



Freddy Kruger appears in the wall of flames.



Freddy: "Need God, this is God Toni. ( points to his raised

finger knife glove. ) Come to God. Eat fire for your last

supper, the deals on."



Toni: " Fuck off Freddy, that's not very friendly. Mum, mum

help me mom."



An apparition of his mother appears.



Toni's mother: "Feeling lonely Toni, Toni come to yuh mum. I

got something for yuh. Here wear this pork chop for me, around

your neck one more time, Toni."



Toni: "Do I have to mum?"



Toni's mother: "Just one more time, Toni. Let's go, walk to the

light with me son."



A tunnel of light appears, and angels are singing. She embraces

him. Her apparition changes to Freddy Kruger.



Freddy: "Didn't yuh see Poltergeist once or twice and know not

to go into the light numb nuts, huh, huh huh."



Freddy was holding Toni close, finger knives ready and glowing

in the fire light.



Freddy: "This is a slice of heavenly light. Toni your mine.

Let's go eat some fire. Roast pork. Yum, yum. Huh, huh, huh.

He dragged Toni into the fire and looked Dr. Hoo right in the

eyes.



Freddy: "Come on Doctor, your no match for me."



Dr. Hoo: "So your as smart as a time lord ay, Freddy. Well

here's a time lords intelligence test Freddy. If a child learns

to time travel, and mysteriously disappears through time for a

year, then returns, and his parents have aged ten years. How

many years has he been away relative to his parents. I'll give

you a clue it's a worry and a twistee. It's multiple choice.

Choose one, ten, eleven or none of the above. ( A single peanut

shaped junk food twistee appears before Freddy's eyes, he eats

it. ) "



Freddy: "Yumm. Mmmmmm ten plus one eleven years."



Dr. Hoo: "Freddy those ten years were worrying years, they aged

ten years sick with worry, but I wouldn't expect a child

molester like you to worry about children would I, you old

pervert. The answers infinity like the shape of the twistee

Freddy, for time is like a rubber band infinitely large or

infinitely small and folds back on itself. That's how time

lords move around through time Freddy. You failed your time

lords test, your too dumb to be a time lord Freddy."



Freddy: "This is time, time lord. ( Freddy points at his finger

knives. ) Come on Doctor come and have a good time, eat fire."



Doctor: " I'd rather face pasta than a pizza face like yours

Freddy. I was a dream master, at an intergalactic convention.

This gun shoots silver bullets."



He squeezed the trigger and the bullet passed through Freddy's

striped, wool knit skivvy and Freddy's image vanished with

Toni.



Suddenly an alien life form of an angel appeared before Dr.

Hoo's eyes.  An angel with translucent blue eyes, and

antigravity belt applauded him.



Angel: "Very clever stunt Doctor, now come with me on a trip

to Setoria."



A bright light engulfed them, and they vanished from sight and

reappeared in a small room on a distant planet with two moons

by night.  The Doctor brushed down his coat.





Dr. Hoo: "Thank God I didn't roast, Sometimes you've got to put

your trust in your heavenly hosts, and the holy ghost."



Angel: "Doctor, your to appear before the council of the

Galactic God Emperor. Looks like you've lost one of your nine

lives."



Dr. Hoo: "I'll just drink a Lanabelle surprise and Lanabelle

will give me ninety nine. Only joking I drink fruit of the

vine."



He followed the angel who had unfastened his flying girdle,

and entered a room.



Michelle: "So Frank, your incensed with Myrtle over a

discussion with about a half moon table, made from half a

turtle shell."



Frank: "Yes they are protected species. Myrtle had no right

to use them."



Michelle: "But she didn't kill any turtle she says it's her

shell."



Frank: "It's the principle Michelle. It used to be a mutant

ninja girl turtle's shell. Not a drink stand."



Michelle: "Yes but since swallowing Lana's banana surprise

Michaelangelo changed his name to Michelle willingly, it's in

his contract, and is content eating tropical pizzas with sliced

banana topping.  She doesn't mind Myrtlle making use of her

discarded turtle shell, with half a shell Michelle's a trendy

turtle now. Let's call her up on the crystal pool."



She waves her hand over the blue crystal pool, and

Michaelangelo's image appears in the blue crystal stand.



Michaelangelo: "Hi Michelle how're yuh doing?"



Michelle: "Fine, Michelle just want to know how you feel about

giving up half your shell?"



Michaelangelo: "It was painful but not as painful as when my

creators gave me my circumcision. I'm a Jewish turtle from the

Red Sea. Lot's of fans used to write to me and ask me why I

didn't have a penis. I had to tell them the rabbi slipped with

his knife all the way. Now I'm a girl turtle called Michelle,

hooked on Lanabelle Surprises, it's changed my life. So I've

donated my half shell to science since I suffered for my name

Michelle because `oh my shell' is what I said under the

surgeon's knife.  I'm a really tough ninja turtle ask my rabbi

and Myrtlle, I survived despite their knives, now I'm the one

wielding big Samurai knives, underneath I'm the same old guy,

just seeking revenge. I guess you know why we're called hear-

owes in a half shell now, babe."



Michelle: "Michelle's my name to hero, but not given under

pain.  Did you know your half shell is being used as a cocktail

table and used to serve Lanabelle's surprises?"



Michaelangelo: "No, but it would be a pleasure to serve Myrtle

the turtle, she changed my life, even if she does worship

Lanabelle all of her life."



Doctor Hoo walked past them into the elders conference centre.



Elder 1: "Dr. Hoo, we have brought you before us to discuss

your assignment. We have singled you out to perform a vital

function, over planet earth's dysfunction. You have been a dorm

and, we have now awakened you. You are a intergalactic spy

for the God Emperor on High, and you are now what we call a

feed.  You are to feed, the seeds who are earthlings through a

cataclysmic happening.  The end of their world, and the rebirth

of a new planet. You will bear witness to a quantum, leap of

universal expansion. If we fail the universe will be ruled by

evil emperors, and shrink and die.  The future of the universe

is in the hands of our spies. We know you will not let us down.

You will be taken to the master program room where lyes, all

the knowledge you need, to feed the seeds in their hour of

need.  Remember without us Doctor, you would have died."





Dr. Hoo: "I see. This certainly explains my strange gift of

prophecy, and the unusual psychic experiences that have been

happening to me, lately."



Elder 1: "Good luck Doctor, I promise the transformation will

be exhilarating."



The Doctor was escorted to the master program room where he

had an elder, lay his hands on him, and transfer the required

knowledge within him.



Elder 2: "This won't hurt a bit Doctor."



The elder scanned the Doctor's brain with his hand, and

reprogrammed his neural pathways planes, to a higher plane with

no name, other than the coming of wisdom in Holy flames.  A

warm glowing fire engulfed Dr. Hoo's crown, he felt a new

man.



Elder 2: "You may go, now Doctor. We'll return you to the

STARDUST by the fastest means you have ever seen."



Dr. Hoo: "I feel a bit disorientated."



Elder 2: "That's a normal reaction, to a brain transformation

action.  The effects will wear off soon, as your back in the

dimension you came from."





The fire brigade made it to AMAX, fifteen minutes later than

the Doctor was relocated.



Back on earth the skinheads found an empty pub called Tip No

Ties near by and pried the window open and climbed in side.

They shone a torch and saw a sign Tip No Ties.



Skinhead 1: "Let's ransack this place and then burn this tip

to the ground while I'm still riding high on Crazy Eddies

imported, mixed bean bag."



Suddenly the place started to rattle, and shake.



Skinhead 2: "Let's get out of here, this place gives me the

willies."



Skinhead 1: "Don't be silly Dog Breath, Tip no Ties, must know

it's in the firing line. It's just shuddering in it's boots

cause we're about to loot it."



Suddenly the fire case, glass doors flew open and axes flew out

of the fire cabinet tumbling through the air and pinned both

the skinheads to the wall.



Skinhead 1: "Ahhh. what's going on."



Skinhead 2: "This must be the Devil's playground, I can hear

the hound dogs of hell calling."



A fire viper came out of the floor and reared up it's head, and

hissed at them. It kissed them on the cheek and left a hole

in their cheeks with it's searing heat.



Fire Serpent: "Sssssssssss. Seems you love me so much, I'm

going to devour you for lunch. Human sacrifices to the goddess

I love, you serve me forever, you fire worshiping scum. You can

both stoke the fires of Hell."



The fire serpent devoured them, swallowing them whole before

retracting into it's hole. The floor healed, and the axes

twirled back from where they came, everything looked the same.

Except two XXX signs where they had been pinned to the wall.

The XXX's suddenly turned into 666's.



Three days later, after the mop up, the mob realized they'd

lost the lot.



Godfather: "I curse myself for trusting Toni, with all the

assets we made he's vanished off the face of this earth.  We'll

hold a very lonely token funeral, without honor of his name.

Toss those melted backup tapes into his token grave. I detest

the shame, he's caused his family name, I hope lonely Toni

dies in much pain, if we ever find him he'll regret the day he

was born."





The police investigated James in regard to the arson, and

afterwards passed on James Fredericks address to the Godfather.



Detective: "We suspect James Frederrrrrricks, for the

arrrrrrson, but his alibi is as good as a parrrrrrdon.  He'd

been seen out all night, celebrrrrrrrating with his wife, at a

pub enjoying the night life acting like a banana."



Godfather: "Someone must pay for this crime, someone must

pay, and James will do fine, for his alibi is as shallow as

Lana's mind."



Later that week James' lawyer, got in touch with Lanturn's

chief service engineer in the States, and he proceeded to

discuss James' case.



Lawyer: "Yes James Frederick's is a fully paid member of

Lanturn Users World wide.  He's been an active member for

years.  Even helped organize the recent, Lanturn conference

down here."



Lanturn engineer: "I acknowledge their's a major security

problem, with this Net Hack program robbing passwords.  We're

currently working on a method, to resolve this problem.  A Dr.

Hoo led us to a design solution when he was last in the

States, sleuthing."





Lawyer: " What expenses would you require to fly down here, to

be a key witness of mine? "



Lanturn engineer: " We at Lanturn own Lanturn User's

World wide, would gladly represent James, for free."



Lawyer: " Excellent."



Lanturn engineer: "Good-bye."



Lawyer: "Thanks for your help. Good-bye."



He then rang James to fill him in, on the good news that had

been given to him.  James was ecstatic, and threw his hands

erratically around him. He was doing his banana twist and

shake.



James: "You've secured the Lanturn engineer, as a key

witness, great. It's the best news all year.

Ripper. Ya Hooooo!"



He may as well have won the lottery, nothing could stop him

from winning now it seemed.  He could now face the court,

reasonably confidently, that he would be let off.  It was still

hard for him. He had just started a new position, as a TV

technician and had two months of an agonizing wait, until his

trial date arrived.  But his wife was beginning to mellow, and

she started to be a friend to him and made him nice banana

thick shakes.



Carole: "James, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm pregnant."



James: " Your kidding, that's wonderful. Yahoo.

Congratulations."



Carole: "Settle down your banana twist is making me dizzy. I

think I'm going to faint."



James caught her and propped her up on a chair, and wandered

off to make his own thick shake.



James: "Tip on side unpeel one side. Rotate one side unpeel

that side. Rotate again unpeel the end while I do my banana

knee bend. Out of apples not very nice but I'll place in a

nice potato slice.  Blend to my bend. Tip on side, drink my

banana slide until the end.  I'm ready for you Lana here I

come. ( Lana: " You dip stick, look after your wife. ) "



James gave floppy, rag doll Carole a big bear hug, and rubbed

her on the thighs. He did not have the heart to tell her that

his mistress, her and baby may all have AIDS, he just wanted to

get laid.  Carole awoke, with all James poking.



Carole: "It's really weird, James. I've had this third

dream of a man tipping me on my side and giving me a big

surprise when hypnotised, then a weirdo appears and offers me

wings to go off, and have a spin then I have my baby."



James: "How strange, hope you get over it."





James attended Lanturn Users World wide monthly meetings, which

gave him quite a beating.  People by and large were quite

understanding, and accepted him as the sky staring banana man

who'd, had a rather hard landing.  Just an innocent victim of

circumstances.  He became a bit of an evangelist on disaster,

data recovery planning.  Occasionally fraud squad detectives,

attended meetings where he was standing, hoping they'd find out

new information to beat him.  But he stood by his perfect

record of dedicated banana bending and twisting, he showed

honesty to his ex-bosses, workers and friends, he was a

straight banana now and then.



At the network users meeting James stood at the podium before

a crowd of his own friends. He nervously rustled his notes,

and spoke, while eyes were in the sky and sides. ( Lana: Come

to me, for security I like to please, I'm a banana teaser,

pleaser.  )



James: "Speaking from personal experience, the most valuable

thing you can do is give your banana, I mean disaster, recovery

plan adherence.  Without a plan, it's possible your company,

could come undone. The correct procedures are clearly defined

in my handout here by the podium. ( He had a pile of notes next

to a bunch of bananas.) "



In the audience sat two fraud squad detectives, taking notes

as directed by their inspector. They were all swaying to James

revolving banana tricks, he was a very smooth talking

banana. Thirty minutes later he had finished his speech, on

data recovery administration.



James: "Thank you for listening, and I hope you've learned a

valuable lesson from my network skins I mean sins."



The audience chuckled. He was wearing a yellow beanie and suit

with yellow roller blades to scoot. He was a high flying banana

as smooth as silk.



He banana glided to his seat in the audience and the detective

who sat behind him leaned forward and whispered to him.



Detective: "You might be a verrrrry smooth banana, but I hope

you give more of these speeches.  Sooner or laterrrrr, yourrrr

gonna slip on your own skin. I'd really enjoy peeling you off

the floor you yellow scum bag whore. You have quite a following

herrrrrrrre yourrrrrrr all arrrrrround the bend."





Doctor Hoo re-appeared in the STARDUST, and went to visit James

at his new work place, as a TV technician. James was in the

TV workshop that morning when an elderly woman called in.

She was a plumpish old hen, with a ferocious peck, that said to

the world, treat with respect.  She wore a large chain with a

cross around her neck. She carried a lamp, with a long black

stem with a funnel on it's end, with a halogen lamp set in the

top, of it's flange. It was without it's base so looked like a

lance.  Mark, who was James' boss, and the shop owner

recognized the woman as Mrs. Myer.



Mark: "Good morning Mrs. Myer. You look like the town crier

with that beautiful lamp, you couldn't look wiser. James will

look after you.  Your our only customer today the recessions

here to stay, so he'll be nice to you, so please don't go

away."



Mrs. Myer: "Be quiet, you cheeky boy. If your mother was

alive today, she'd knock you through this door, look at the

floor you haven't vacuumed in weeks. You don't have to suck up

to me, I know your impertinent behind my back you knave."



Mark smiled and almost burst out laughing.



James: " How can I help you?"



Mrs. Myer: " I bought this lamp in the USA, and I'm about to

throw it away, for the damn thing won't plug in it's

transformer, because the plug has a horn in it's corner.  Can

you electronic wizards fix it for me, it needs a transformer."



James inspected the plug. It had two lugs, one was larger than

the other, he had not seen one like this little buggar.



James: "This is unusual, not long ago the American plugs had

both prongs the same size, now they're different I wonder why.

The devils have put a thorn in it's side. It won't fit in our

transformer either. Maybe it swallowed a banana while out on a

date with Lana. Come to me, and I'll give you a banana, your a

really attractive old lady, I'll keep you company."



Mrs. Myer: "Why thank you I haven't had such a nice compliment

since Larry died, ( He hands her a banana, he has a drawer full

of sugar finger bananas. ) he was a generous man to.



He scrounged through a junk box under the bench, and found an

old, American plug with equal sized pegs and a normal 240 volt

plug while banana bending.  Mrs. Myer ate her banana.



Mrs. Myer: "Have you motors in your strides boy, I like your

split on your yellow strides. Their really hip. Come over to my

haunt and I'll whip you up a real surprising banana custard and

apple pie, for a surprise.  Mmmm.  mmmmm."



James: "I like banana surprises. I'll replace your plug with

this, and then it'll be fixed."



Mrs. Myer: "Here, come over real soon and taste my fruit. I

like your yellow suit. Here's my address."



He took her address. Then he wired up the new plug, and he

switched the lamp on.  The light shone so bright, the day

looked like night.



Mrs. Myer: "You look like a golden angel, James. My how bright

that light flames."



James: "I removed the horn from it's side Mrs. Myer, now see

how bright the light shines. What on earth are the devils in

America up to, I hope we don't place horns in the side of our

plugs too, else how are they gonna fit in our sockets. They

must be bananas over there."



Suddenly the globe popped and showered him with glass, whoring

spirits streamed from his body and were absorbed into the lamps

funnel and tunneled into the power point.



Dr. Hoo who had just arrived and had caught the drift of the

banana fix.



Dr. Hoo: "Gees James you have flipped it's 240 volts here and a

110 their you connected the wrong plug you lair. But Lana's

becoming lady liberties horns in our backside, that's what.

Lana's trying to take over the world with her surprises."



James hands the lamp to Mrs. Myer. She glares at Dr. Hoo.



Mrs. Myer: "I'll buy a new globe now the old one's blown, thank

you, how much do I owe you?"



James: "Nothing, it's on the house."



Mrs. Myer: "Bless you James, you are a golden angel."



She marched out of the shop beaming with pride, the lamp by her

side, everyone thought hide, there's a Christian soldier, with

Jesus at her side. Mark burst out laughing, and had this to

sing.



Mark: "Onward Christian soldier's marching off to war, with

the cross of Jesus, going on before."



They watched old Mrs. Myer's feet, march off down the street.

Her feet wobbled and squeaked, when the pavement they did meet.

They all burst into laughter, she had a disaster. She knocked a

poor policeman, while on the beat, cleanly off both of his

feet. Then gave him her phone number before he could speak.



Dr. Hoo picked up the cut off plug.



Dr. Hoo: "This plug shows that the rise of the Antichrist is

imminent in America. Lana's Surprises, have tipped the balance,

and her banana dance, is depicted in this plug in my hand.  The

fattened pin on one side, is a symbol of the lance in Christ's

side. The Antichrist will rise, and hypnotize you all through

this power thick pin, that you plug in. It's power comes from

the bottomless pits of the earth, through fossil fuels around

it's girth, which use oil, coal, and gas.  The plugs swallowed

a magical banana, now all your power belongs to Lana. The whole

world will be under her spell soon."



James: "How extraordinary Doctor, who would ever have

guessed a banana could ever be such a pest."



Mark: "Could it just be that the thick pin is just for

safety, so you can't plug the plug in backwards, and thus

avoid electrical hazards?"



Dr. Hoo: "Brilliant Mark, your a genius. I thought you had the

brain of a penis."



Mark: "Thank you Doctor. Did you know I am even a genius as a

pianist."



Dr. Hoo shook his head with disbelief.



Dr Hoo: "Good grief, a penis who is a pianist. You have an eye

and are white, you may be an ivory white. You could be a

dildo, is that right. I'm just a black act, I'm really just

Lana's cat."



Mark: "Are you making fun of me, Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "No, just keep playing with your ivory white, or is it

ebony in the middle of the night. A genius pianist, that'd be

right."



Mark: "I'll have you know my ivories glow in the dark, they're

luminescent green so even when under strobe lights I can tell

them apart."



Dr. Hoo: "Blacks, black even under strobes Mark, but even with

a magnifying glass you wouldn't find your ivory that glows in

the dark would you."



Mark: "James, your sacked. That's the only way I can think of

to get your black cat friend back. I'm deeply insulted."



James: "Come along Doctor let's banana split, grab your hat and

I'll grab my banana cap, I'm not changing plugs for bug a lugs

Mark who can't tell the difference between a safety plug called

a tampon, and an  electric plug. It's time to move on to more

yellow pastures.  Ha, ha ha just a little surprise for you. I

was gonna quit this afternoon anyway."



Dr. Hoo: " Nice trick ay. I just wanted to see how far I could

push you before you told us to split. Here have a banana,

that's your treat you creep. Don't you know Lanabelle turns men

into one of those. You'll be so drunk on her horny potions

before you know it. You'll be full of pricks under her wing,

you ding a ling. I can see you down the Blue Oyster bar singing

My ding a ling, my ding a ling I want you to play with my ding

a ling, huh, huh, ha, you dip stick with a yellow rose tattoo

shining through."



James and Dr. Hoo left with an arm around each other's shoulder

singing ` My Ding A Ling. ' by Chuckberry, laughing aloud as

they danced along.








                       Chapter 6



In Australia, James Fredericks sat in his living room with

his wife, and Angela, his ex-assistant from AMAX.



Angela: "Congraturations on being pregnant Carole, and James

I'm preased to hear your building a sorid defense in your

forthcoming case."



James: "Thank you Angela."



Suddenly their was a door knock.



James: "I wonder who that could be?"



He opened the door, and found Dr. Hoo standing in the

doorway. He cocked his hat.



Dr. Who: "Good afternoon, James. How is the defense case

developing?"



The Doctor sat down, and James poured the Doctor a port.



James: "Fine, we've secured the Lanturn engineer as our key

witness. I hear your famous at Lanturn over some disk drive

fixes you've developed."



Suddenly a car screeched pass the window and a hail of

bullets from machine gun fire crossed the room. It was the

mob on a revenge strike, everyone in the house ducked for

cover instinctively.



Dr. Hoo: "Looks like the mob aren't too pleased about the

arson at AMAX.  Something must have led them to suspect you

James."



James: " The police have been investigating my whereabouts

that night. By the way Doctor, this is Jap Angela my

dependable ex-assistant. Currently unemployed."



Dr. Hoo: "Pleased to meet you though I wish it was under

better circumstances.  How would you like a job as my

assistant. I need someone dependable. It will involve a lot

of travelling."



Angela: "I would ruv too, but who would rook after my house

and my bonsai."



Angela was thrilled by all the commotion, and the job offer.



Dr. Hoo: "James and Carole need a place to hide, until things

cool down.  I'm sure they would only be too happy to look

after your place, for you."



James: "No problem Angela, there's no way we're going to be

hanging around here, after this little episode."



Carole: "Well that's settled then. We can't stay here."



Dr. Hoo: "Well, let's all go over to Angela's and organize

things now. Then we'll call the police to sort out this

misunderstanding with the mob."



They gathered together some of their clothes, and essential

belongings. Then they all left for Angela's.





In Russia the KGB General, Petre Popov briefed the Party

officials on their activities in America. General Popov

spoke.



General: "Through our connections with the mob in America,

we've organized the theft of several Pancho routers,

including documentation, for a reasonable sum of money. These

routers are important computer network devices, for directing

data around the globe.  They are used to direct data between

colleges, banks, government departments, and most important

defense installations via a large global network called the

internet.  We have KGB technicians planted in the States, who

can analyze the routers' inner workings.  After several weeks

of study, they will have a good understanding of their

operation.  There's a particularly clever hacker, named Heim

Hacknee whose owned by the mob. He's offered his assistance,

to help analyze the routers, and do any software

modifications we need. He will work with a team of Soviet

engineers who are developing an Intelligent, cable sniffer,

using a So-Viet laptop, called a Gawky Spark Workstation,

with a RISCY engine.  It has a big, red square phosphor

screen which supersedes all your Communist resolution

standards, comrades."



Party official: "What is a Soviet Gawky Spark RISCY engine,

General? I didn't know we had developed such leading

edge technology."



General: "It stands for Reduced Instruction Set Computer

Yankee made.  I'm afraid our own technology is inadequate to

perform the task, so we had to steal the Americans circuitry

to achieve our aims. The sniffer has the ability, to emulate

source and destination addresses, and peek deep inside the

networks' packets of data.  It is intelligent enough to

analyze data, and selectively alter the networks data

packets. It then forwards them on, to their intended

destination."



Party official: " I didn't know we had such clever

technicians to copy such clever technology."



General: " We don't. It's manufactured for us by those so and

so Viet Cong, unfortunately our Gorky Park model

specification got lost in the translation. "



Party official: "What about your plan to rig the US election,

General."



General: "Our KGB agents have achieved through the mob, the

theft of valuable mainframe computer backup tapes. They

belong to one of the largest computer corporations in the US.

Their's been a big blue over it. They contain the main

accounting software, used for the Federal election. It's the

Federal Election On-line Statistical Analysis program.  It's

used by the Federal Government, to tally votes on election

night, and provide real time, election speculation reports.

Providing information on electoral swings from electorate to

electorate. We copied the tapes, and returned them to their

owner. On their return everything was hush hushed."



Party official: "Excellent comrade, how is the analysis of

the tape going."



General: "We've set this software up on a stolen American

mainframe computer, and analyzed it meticulously, for bugs

and design flaws.  We have homed in on the data input, and

output modules.  For it is a real time, accounting program.

We decoded the data packet scheme, used for sending voting

information.  We now know that the US have a voting policy

which relies heavily on all data entered being sent

unprocessed to the mainframe computer, directly via the

internet.  All data processing, is carried out in the

mainframe, and relies entirely on the integrity of data from

each data entry terminal. These terminals are located at

various network sites around the country.  We plan to

intercept the voting data packets, on route to the mainframe,

physically alter the vote data, and forward it on to the

mainframe computer. By doing this we can bias the election

data against the ruling Government. If there was a 10% swing

towards the Government, we could counter balance it with a -

20% bias, to make a 10% swing against the Government."



Party official: "This should be a piece of cake."



General: "We have commissioned Heim Hacknee the notorious

False Profit, hacker king to help analyze the American

system.  Yes, the Americans are fools for picking a
centralized vote, processing system.  if they picked a

distributed, vote processing scheme instead, we'd have no

hope in pulling this scam off.  That way each distributed

computer, could be cross checked, against the mainframe to

ensure the data is accurate. The use of multipath, cross

checks, would make it difficult to manipulate the votes.

Their current centralized voting system, is dead easy to

manipulate."



Party official: "Good, for we want to dump the US Government

because of their anti-Soviet hi-tech trading policy. We'll

teach those imperialist pigs, for refusing to supply their

high tech, computing technology to us.  We cannot operate

competitively in the free world markets, without the use of

the world's leading edge technology manufactured by our own

people.  The opposition will be far more easy to trade with

than this current government."



In America during the following weeks, the Soviets had bought

the right from their mob connections, to access the key

network sites, where Pancho routers were located. This was

achieved particularly through contacts in the mob owned

cleaning services.  Their scheme was a highly organized, top

level operation. It needed to be, to pull this scam off.

They were able to narrow down, the number of network sites to

target, by concentrating on electorates that favoured the

Government in popular opinion polls.  These became the KGB's

key target sites.  They obtained detailed maps of these

LAN sites. The maps showed all network cabling. They obtained

the maps by simply pretending to be staff, and asking for a

map at the Building Works, Group Architects office, at each

site.  These maps, helped them plan their attack thoroughly.



The Soviets knew through their KGB spy network that testing

of the vote accounting software, was going to occur during

the week before the election. They took advantage of this, by

getting KGB technicians, to enter all targeted sites, during

this test period. Their men carried out the following duties.

First they removed the covers of the networks' routers. Then

they placed a test connector, across the main microprocessor

chip.  They used a logic pulser, to engage it into direct

memory access mode. This allowed them to gain control of the

router's busses.  They then used direct memory access, block

transfer mode, to dump complete router memory to disk.  They

then re-started, the microprocessor of the router, and

reassembled the cases.



The KGB technicians, then returned to their hidden make shift

laboratories which were largely stocked with laboratory

equipment, stolen by the mob. There they analyzed the disks,

containing the router data.  They had a good understanding of

the routers by now, and were able to simulate their operation

in the laboratory. This they did with the stolen Pancho

routers.  They analyzed the vote data structure, and data

paths through out the internet.  They soon could identify the

vote data, inside the network data traffic.  They programmed

their Gawky, Spark, Workstation laptops to manipulate the

vote packets, with a -20% swing against the government while

on the fly. The sniffer, did this seamlessly, by emulating

the adjacent source and destination routers' addresses. It

would be difficult to detect any network tampering, with this

technique.



The technicians practised, a cable hacking technique called

the double T cable bypass, to enable them to insert the

sniffer-Gawky Spark Workstations in line with the routers.

This involved making an incision in the cable's insulation,

separating out the shield from the middle wire, and making

one connection to the shield using a clamp connector.  Then

inserting a razor sharp pointed probe lead to contact the

central wire of the cable.  They did this in two places close

together. These make up two makeshift T connections.  They

then connected the branch probe leads , one to the input of

the sniffer, and one to the output of the sniffer. Now all

they had to do was cut the cable in two, in between the two

bypass fly leads. They did this carefully, by separating the

braid, and then cutting it. They then cut the centre wire so

that no short circuit occurred.  They finished off by

crimping connectors, one male, and one female to the two

cable ends.  This was so they could rejoin the cable, when

their hacking session was finished. This was to avoid being

detected of having tampered with the network's lines.



They tested their simulation, and found it worked flawlessly.

They had the vote accounting software running on the stolen

mainframe, with routers and terminals all connected. Using

their sniffers they verified that the simulated voting result

was indeed biased 10% against the 'Government' control group,

in their experiment.  Each workstation, was assigned to a

particular, simulated, target electorate site, and carefully

labeled.  A roster of technicians was collated, to cover all

the actual network sites for the real hacking event.



A group of Soviet hacker spies were briefed by the KGB

General.



General: "Comrades, you will be notified on Rovernet,

bouncemail, conference channels, via computer bulletin boards

when to spring to action. This will be just before election

night. I ask you to go to your motel rooms, and wait the

night before the election.  You are to tell no one where you

are going on election night."



Comrade Ruffski: "What form shall the message take General?"



General: "Your instructions will be embedded, in a Rovernet

message as follows. A title name, will signify the selected

code used to embed the message. Your decoder software will

use that code to automatically decipher the message.  A

sample message will look something like this. "



General Popov held up a sample message.



Subject - Buzzbar!



wdfgh...;'uo[] r[]{qwe238&dz\'`}}[%^*---+=sdnxzq120)_..i#$--

qxz|z



General: "This will decode to read- `Enter site at 18:30,

make contact with head cleaner, password- Beebop.' If you

fail to complete your mission Comrade Ruffski, I have a bone

to pick with you.  You have nothing to worry about, it'll

just be me performing your frontal lobotomy."





Meanwhile, back in Australia, Dr. Hoo was at Angela's

preparing to go to Massachusetts with Angela.



Dr. Hoo: "Angela and I, must go to Massachusetts and sort out

a major problem, brewing over the American Federal election.

Please look after Carole and yourself while I'm gone."



They shook hands and Carole kissed them both good-bye.

Together the two space age adventurer's went off to the

STARDUST. The Doctor set the coordinates to land at M.I.T. in

America.



On election night, all went smoothly, as planned by the

Soviets. The spies sat in their rooms till they got the all

clear, via their Rovernet messages. Their technician spies

got entry to the network sites using the password, they gave

to the mob's head cleaners. They installed their sniffer-

workstations in line with the internet, and began

manipulating the vote data.



Professor Pennington sat in his lounge room looking at the

election telecast. The TV political reporter spoke.



Reporter: "We are all stunned, in the last few minutes there

has been an unpredicted swing against the Government, in all

marginal seats.  This totally contradicts all opinion polls."



In the STARDUST Angela was craving for a cigarette while

looking through the STARDUST LOG BOOKS.



Angela: "Do you have a right Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: " Yes the lighter on the left of the dash, Angela.

It's funny Angela for you your right is on your left. You

should give up smoking, it's a filthy habit. Let me bioscan

you, just as I thought you have lung cancer. We should be

landing in a field near M.I.T. shortly."



Angela: " Thanks for the good news Doctor, now I definitely

need a smoke.  "



Angela looked and saw a knob which looked like it might be a

lighter, and pulled it. Unfortunately it was the throttle and

the STARDUST landed on a hot dog stand at the football field

of the M.I.T. campus. Dr. Hoo seeing she hadn't found the

lighter, picked it up for her, and went to light her

cigarette, but stumbled in the rough landing and lit her

hair. He quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher and covered her

hair in foam.



Dr. Hoo: "I'm so sorry Angela. Here we are, in America. Now

we have to visit a friend of mine at one of the campus'

cottages."



He stepped out of the STARDUST and fell eight feet to the

ground. He picked himself, dusted his coat down, and yelled.



Dr. Hoo: "It's a good thing I'm a cat with nine lives and

didn't break anything. Angela you'll have to give up smoking

it's dangerous to my health. Come down the ladder on the side

of the stand. "



Angela: " Alright I'll give up my smoking, it's too dangerous

around you. I know how Michael Jackson feels about Pep sea

commercials now. But atreast he had enough good sense to wear

an asbestos gruv on one hand. Comes in handy if your hair

catches on fire."



They walked across the football field and soon found

Pennington's cottage and Dr. Hoo knocked on the door, and

were cordially invited into the cottage by Professor

Pennington.



Dr. Hoo. "Good evening Pennington."



Pennington: "Dr. Hoo, what a surprise. Come on in. I've

nearly finished my thesis on computer viruses, and worms you

requested. How have you been, and who is this lovely, lady

you've brought with you? Ahhhchoooo. Excuse me I've got the

flu."



Dr. Hoo: "Bless you, I hope you feel better soon. This is

Angela, my new assistant.  An expert in computer networks."



Angela: " Actually I majored in knitting while sitting as

nurse maid to a bunch of morons who were too razy to read

their computer manuals."



Pennington: " That's OK. I make a living by teaching those

sorts of morons who are too lazy to read the manuals, how to

use computers.  Sit down and I'll fix you both a nice

scotch."



Dr. Hoo: "Now Pennington, I see your watching tonight's

election on TV."



Pennington: "I work in America, I'm born in Edinburgh. I care

not much for local politics, but nothing else is on telly

tonight. I'm surprised by the turn against the Government

though."



Dr. Hoo: "There's a reason for that Pennington. Right here

tonight on this campus, the Soviets are tampering with the

election data. It's vital for the future of the world that

they do not succeed, in overthrowing this Government."



Pennington: "That's incredible Doctor. What can we do?"



Dr. Hoo: "We must make it known the election is rigged,

without implementing the Soviets. If they get caught, it

could start a thermonuclear war."



Angela: "I've got an idea. If we reave some of the

opposition's erection campaign riterature at the hackers

break in point. Maybe the FBI will think some of the

opposition's supporters are behind it, and not the Soviets."



Pennington: "That's not as hard to swallow as it sounds,

Angela.  I've got some erection camp-pain literature right

here. Here my magazine `Famous Toy Boys In the Raw.'"



Dr. Hoo: "She meant election campain literature stupe-id.

I've got an idea that will make their scam come undone

Pennington. It'll need you to help me to access the

network's buildings though. I'll need your knowledge of the

University to pull my plan off. So let's go. We've got work

to do."



The homophobic doctor looked very nervously at Pennington

while thinking about that magazine.



Pennington: "Pull yourself together Doctor that magazine I

keep strictly for my lady visit-whores. About our network,

the LAN site is called MITTS. which stands for Massachusetts

Institute of Technology Telecomputing Site.  This site, is

currently using a new kind of beta-test, Pancho router setup.

It's a joint venture between Pancho Systems, and the Defense

department.  They've just been installed yesterday. All

standard routers have been replaced by these new experimental

kind."



Dr. Hoo: "Interesting, professor. Take us to the site."



They wandered across the gardens and entered the

MITTS building.



Dr. Hoo: "Let's have a look, and see if we can find any

network cables that have been tampered with."



They followed the cable runs and eventually saw a strange

looking, laptop computer, sitting on the floor of one room.

It's screen lit the darkened room, with a pale red glow.



Angela: "That rooks rike it, Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "By jove, I think your right, Angela."

.

Pennington: "That Gawky Spark laptop will undoubtedly be gone

in the morning, Doctor. It's definitely Soviet made. Look at

the markings. So how can we let the authorities find out

their election data is being rigged, Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "I didn't know you could read Russian Pennington.

But Quite simple really.  I've got a subsonic stun gun

in my pocket.  If I apply the gun to the laptop. The subsonic

sound waves will cause the circuit boards to fracture, and

fail. The loss of election data being fed to Washington, is

bound to cause a major inquiry. We'll have to rely on the KGB

to remove the evidence, before the FBI raid the premises."



He placed the stun gun against the side of the laptop, and it

thrummed away, as it damaged the laptop's circuitry. It

caused data disruption through out the network.



Angela: "What about reaving behind the erection campaign

riterature?"



Dr. Hoo: "We best leave that until later, after the Soviets

have cleaned up, Angela.  Otherwise they'll know we've been

here.  I want them to think there equipment has failed from

pure bad luck, not by human intervention."



They then left rather hurriedly. What Dr. Hoo had done was

cause the sniffer-workstation on this site to develop an

intermittent solder joint, on an important output gate

circuit.  This caused, an incredible amount of random noise,

to be generated on the cable which was perceived by the

network as faulty data.  The experimental Pancho routers, had

many enhancements over Pancho Systems standard models, and

technically surpassed the military Orange book class A1

security standards.  The Pancho routers, had automatic

quality control programs that checked line quality of cables

every thirty seconds.  They signalled every adjacent router

that a line quality control check, was to be carried out

next. All adjacent routers, supported this feature.  The

routers then switched on their Time Domain Reflectometers

which sent a calibrated fast pulse, down the line. It

monitored the reflected pulse's activity.  It could

use this to analyze, and determine at what point, cable

mismatches like, open circuit cables, short circuit cables,

and even cable squeezes were occurring.  The router had a

database, storing the exact cable characteristics of the

line, and if it detected any changes, it would raise an

alarm.  It would dial an attached phone, to ring a

centralized security office.  These routers were designed to

be hacker proof. The routers also switched on their Spectrum

Analyzers, and did an automatic, bandwidth check of the line,

to determine line performance deterioration. The router could

talk to adjacent routers, and choose an alternate path, for

data transfer if serious line deterioration occurred. The

routers also were the first to utilize the internet worm

function to advantage. The routers in this case could detect

data being pumped into the internet, called a data storm, and

would send a high priority, worm message to adjacent routers.

They used this to save current data, and shutdown until the

data storm passed. The router would then listen to the line,

for the data storm to subside, before releasing data again

into the internet. At the same time the router would use it's

Time Domain Reflectometer, to work out at what distance down

the line, was the source of the disturbance. They then would

ring the centralized, security office, and provide a

digitized voice report of it's findings.  It was possible to

pinpoint the exact location on the line, within 1 metre, at

which the hacker had interfered with the line.  It checks

it's address lists, and interrogates, adjacent routers, to

seek out the source of the hacker's, data packets.  The

router would then dial up the centralized, security centre,

and using voice synthesis would report the hacker's origin

automatically.  These routers, used highly sophisticated,

knowledge base systems, to control themselves and generate

reports.



Some of the more exotic features, of these Pancho routers

were that in a military setting, if a data packets' origin

from another military network failed to be verified through

an alternate network path, it would flag all packets, from

it's source, as rogue packets.  The router would treat these

packets, differently from normal packets.  It would block

their path. This stopped the hacker from penetrating further

in to the network. It would then switch into a simulated

network mode.  This is where the router pretends to be a

military network, and keeps feeding the hacker with false

military data, to keep them on line.  It would then notify

all adjacent routers, to do a trace search, back to the

hacker's origin. By doing this it could provide the

centralized, security office with it's findings.  It was

possible to find the hacker, catch them in the act, and use a

data recording of the hack session, to get a conviction for

hacker spying.  The routers also did a forward security

check, deeper into the real military system, to check how far

the hacker had actually penetrated into the system.  This

used the routers seek rogue packets, and destroy rogue

packets functions.  It also recorded for future analysis, the

contents of the rogue packets to help upgrade military

internet security systems.



The problem with the Soviet's, sniffer-workstation

malfunctioned, gate circuit, was that it had set off the

internet worm function in the experimental routers which was

a stroke of bad luck for the Soviets. The entire event was

recorded in all the adjacent routers' databases, and the

double T insertion technique due to a slight impedance

mismatch, had tripped the quality control, alarm circuits

also.  The routers had rung the Network manager, Jim Brown's

office , and left a digitized voice recordings, on his

answering machine. Back at Dr. Pennington's cottage their

was a TV reporter heard to say.



Reporter: "Their has been a sudden data link break with

Massachusetts. We can no longer give you updates of the

voting progress in their six adjacent electorates."



Dr. Hoo: "It looks like our plan to catch them out has been

hatched. I'll return to the network site with Angela, in the

early hours of the morning.  That ought to give the KGB,

enough time to clean up after themselves."



The KGB knew from the election coverage that things had

screwed up at the MITTS site, and they were worried their

election scam, had been found out. As a precaution, a team of

agents, entered the MITTS site, and the KGB captain spoke to

his men.



Captain: "Comrades, I've been informed these routers are

of an unusual design.  It may explain the failure of our

equipment.  Let's steal every router on campus.  We need to

analyze this new kind, for future spying assignments."



As each router was stolen, the security dial function of the

remaining routers, left a digitized voice message on Jim

Brown's answering machine, indicating the theft of each

adjacent router.



Captain: "I've run the diagnostics on our laptop. It reveals

our scam may have come undone, simply because of just one dry

joint, smoked by a soldering iron, with the jitters. Boy I'm

enjoying smoking this dope. The only course of action we have

comrades, is to cover up every trace of our presence here."



He dropped his cigarette butt and squashed it in to the

ground with a pivot of his boot, then swallowed some pills.

Back at the cottage the TV announcer spoke.



Reporter: "This morning, every one is shocked into disbelief

that the favored Government, has been tossed out, and people

are squabbling left right, and centre."



Dr. Pennington was watching TV with Angela and Dr. Hoo.



Dr. Hoo: "Angela and I'm going back to the network, hack

room, to plant the campaign literature now. Stay here

professor, it's too dangerous for you to be further involved

in our operation.  See you soon."



Pennington: "Good luck, to you both."



Angela accidently dropped her STARDUST security key unnoticed

as she was leaving. Suddenly the TV reporter caught their

attention.



Reporter: "It appears a new Government, has been elected.

Massachusetts group of electorates are still in doubt. We

believe the Network staff have been called in to investigate

the data loss. We'll have a report later this morning on the

outcome."



Dr. Hoo: "Hurry up Angela, we must hurry before it's too

late.



They left immediately for MITTS.



Professor Pennington phoned a KGB contact and told of

Dr. Hoo's plan.



Pennington: "Greetings Colonel Popov, I'd like to report a

Dr. Hoo has sabotaged your MITTS site router. He wants to

blame your failed mission on opposition party fanatics."



Pennington hung up and stepped on the STARDUST security key.

He picked it up and suddenly took off to visit the STARDUST.

He climbed the hot dog stand and placed the security key pass

against the STARDUST's security check plate. He sneezed and

snot trickled down the side of the STARDUST. He went inside

and saw the STARDUST LOG BOOK, with a future date 2010 A.D.

on it which Angela had been reading and took it. He climbed

out and made his way back to the cottage and hid the log book

under some loose floor boards.



Jim Brown, the network manager of the MITTS campus was called

to duty, and had just arrived at MITTS. He found his

answering machine, flashing a red pencil of light at him. It

drew to his attention that messages awaited him.  What he

wasn't prepared for, was that he had 25 messages all

electronically synthesized by the routers, and pointing to a

major hacking event, 65.7 metres down router 35's delta port

three line. He got out the map, and looked up this router

location.  He went to it's location, and got one hell of a

shock to find it missing.  Then he paced out the cable's

path, and was not surprised to see the cable joined by a pair

of BNC connectors , and cable clippings lying on the floor.

He was puzzled why the MITTS site had been attacked by

hackers.  He thought maybe the Opposition, had tried to rig

the election, through his site, and been caught out.  Every

where he looked, there was a router missing, a major scandal

must be brewing, he thought to himself.  Jim went back to his

office, and rang Washington D.C.  He talked with their

Network Administrator who he knew personally.  They'd met at

numerous conferences.



Jim: "Frank, it's Jim Brown from MITTS, bad news here. Every

routers, been stolen, top level, military, experimental

stuff, it was too.  The cable used on the election job run,

has been cut and rejoined."

.

Frank: "This sounds serious, and you say the hacking event

has all been recorded on your answering machine."



Jim: " Yes, I'll prepare a report, and electronic mail it to

you. We've still got the old standard routers, in our store

room. I'll connect a few, to get the system operational

again."



Following the tip off from Pennington the KGB had Jim Brown's

phone line tapped, and knew they had to act fast, to stop his

electronic message from getting through. They needed to

destroy that answering machine tape.



Dr. Hoo walked in on Jim Brown.



Dr. Hoo: "Hi Jim, this is my assistant Angela. I'm a friend

of Dr.  Pennington, remember me.  I over heard you saying you

need to reconnect your standard routers again.  We'd be glad

to assist you with this."



Jim: "Oh, Dr. Hoo, what a surprise I remember you. Yes, I

could do with some help. There's been some very strange

happenings here."



Angela picked up a baseball mitt hanging on a nail on the

wall.



Angela: " What's this for Jim? "



Jim: " Oh that's my baseball mitt I kept for luck to catch

any hackers at MITTS, but you can have it. I'm afraid it

hasn't brought me any luck. "



Angela: "Thanks Jim."



She put it on and, Angela, Jim and the Doctor spent half an

hour setting up the appropriate routers which were already

configured, so were easy to install.  It was a plug in, and

go problem really.  The Doctor was placing the campaign

literature at the hack in point while Jim sat at his

terminal, and entered his report he'd transcribed, from his

answering machine.  He was about to send it by electronic

mail, all that was required was to push the send button.

Suddenly the door burst open behind him.  He looked over his

shoulder, to see a cold blooded, smiling figure in a trench

coat, pointing a large magnum with silencer at him. Then the

trigger clicked, and the force of impact of the bullet in

Jim's chest cavity threw his head around, and he fell nose

first, on his keyboard. His nose landed fair, and square on

the send button. The message shot off into the far distance,

to Washington. The KGB captain tried desperately to abort the

message, but one of the unfortunate bugs in the mail system,

was it could not be aborted once send button had been

pressed. He put the gun in Jim Brown's hand. But it would be

hard to explain how he shot himself in the back of the head.

Blood covered the keyboard.



Captain: " Damn!, red buttons. Momma just killed a clown, put

a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now all his

buttons are red. My life may end with gun, now I've thrown it

all away.  Let me swallow a few more reds for those who bled,

more yellows for the sick hell, sickle hell of it, I grew up

under it's spell, and swallow more blues for this mission I

blew, just to forget about tomorrow.  Thank God these drugs

are just about free in this land of the free.  "



He grabbed the answering machine tape, and placed it in his

pocket. He left Jim's corpse, strewn across the floor,

trickling blood all over his chair and computer terminal.



Captain: " Looks like our election scam's been pipped by a

nose. Just like my luck at the dogs. Ruffski will be spewing

over this."


Just then he threw up on Jim Brown's keyboard.



Captain: " Computers always did make me sick. "



Dr. Hoo was just about to enter the room as the KGB captain

was leaving. They caught each other by surprise, and began

wrestling each other. The KGB agent pushed the Doctor to the

ground. He went for his gun in Jim Brown's hand, and Dr. Hoo

pulled his stun gun from his pocket, and through it over the

KGB agents head.  Angela caught it in mid air, in her

baseball mitt.  She kickboxed him to the ground, and thrust

the stun gun to the KGB agents neck, and pulled the trigger.

The KGB agent fell unconscious to the floor.



Dr. Hoo: "Thank you, Angela. You've saved the day."



The Doctor, leapt to his feet.



Dr. Hoo: " Let's drag this Soviet agent into the M.I.T.

gardens, so when he wakes he won't be nabbed by the FBI."



So they dragged him into the gardens and left him lying on

his back in a garden bed. They returned to the cottage and

Dr. Hoo spoke to Pennington.



Dr. Hoo: "I'm afraid the college will need a new network

administrator. The KGB have assassinated Jim Brown. I only

just escaped by a whisker myself. Thanks to Angela's quick

reactions. She knocked out the assassin with my stun gun."



Pennington: "Oh how tragic, I mean what a stroke of luck

Doctor."





Back in Washington, the caretaker Government, studied the

message from Jim Brown. They ordered a major investigation

into what had happened at MITTS. The FBI swooped on MITTS and

found Jim Brown's body. At the cottage a news report came

through.



Reporter: "An important development at M.I.T. The network

administrator who was investigating the broken, data link to

Massachusetts has been found shot dead at his terminal. He

sent a final message to Washington, just before his death. It

appears the election results have been tampered with by an

unknown perpetrator. The final outcome, is the caretaker

Government have declared the election result nullified, and

an immediate recount ordered.  The military will be present

at all key network sites. They've been ordered to guard the

lines of the LAN.  This time an entirely different election

result could be expected.  This is the biggest scandal, to

hit the headlines, since John Harper found a nuclear, armed

time bomb, under his desk in New York."



Pennington: "I remember that incident well. John Harper tried

for three hours to ring for help, but no one believed him. He

had a mild form of schizophrenia. Yes skits so free knee

aghhh. When checking his background, they found `mentally

ill', stamped on his file.  So they just humored him, and

laughed about the looney claiming to be sitting on a nuclear

warhead.  He contacted a TV news show who thought it might

make an amusing segment, in their show.  So they decided to

front up to his office, and film his story. They got the

shock of their lives, to find a real live nuclear bomb,

sitting under John's desk.  Fortunately, the time bomb

charge, was of the wrong kind. It failed to detonate the

bomb.  Since then the Government set up a National, Red Alert

Hotline.  Every caller, who rang in and was prepared to be

dialled back, and stay put, was taken seriously.  This was to

prevent delays, from bureaucratic bungling, short shifting

and discounting of caller's integrity due to public

prejudice.  This was a very fair system to loonies who

deserved a fair go, but more importantly, it gives us all

greater protection.  For a nuclear bomb, makes a pretty, big

hole in the ground, and it's nice to know when it's about to

hit, just in case you want to kiss your secretary

good-bye. "



Dr. Hoo: "Very interesting Pennington. I'm afraid things will

be pretty hot for Angela, and I here. Our finger prints are

all over the routers, and literature we left. We don't wish

to be charged with murder. We'll be off back to Australia

without delay.  For your own safety, breath not a word of us

being here to anyone. "





Back at the MITTS site the FBI were following through with

their investigations.



FBI Captain: " Men we've got to disperse and find Jim Brown's

killer. Benny you go to the gardens and pretend to be a

penny-a-pill pedlar. Keep your eye's open for anyone

suspicious. "



Benny: " Ok, can you give me some pills though I'm out."



FBI Captain: " Your always out, in fact you always look out

of it.  Who else would pass as a pill pedlar except a real

Benny the bean head like you dip stick? Here are, here's all

I've got."



Out in the garden bed in the early morning the Captain was

flat on his back dreaming. He dreamed a garden hose

slithered across his chest and coiled up pointed it's nozzle

at him and hissed at him squirting in his face. It sang `I

just coiled to say how are you, I just coiled to say I really

cared. He suddenly awoke to see a blind, black man standing

over him swaying while singing that Stevie Wonder hit song.

The blind man's seeing eye dog was squatting over his chest,

and had done an enormous steamy poop on the Captain's chest.



Captain: " Who the fuck do you think your pissing on, and

your dog's just pooped on my chest? "



Blind man: " I always piss in this garden bed, and my dog

always poops here every morning. Sorry man, I just called to

say how are you, I just called to say I really cared. What

are you doing lying in my garden bed. You must need a seeing

eye dog more than me man, your lucky my dog didn't piss in

your face as well. Do you think I'd make a good Stevie

Wonder."



Captain: " I'll give you steamy blunder, you better run

`Stevie Wonder'. "



The blind man took off with his dog, and the Captain got up

in pursuit and knocked down an old lady. She jumped up and

chased him waving her umbrella at him. She ran past Benny the

penny a pill pedlar, and knocked all his pills out of his

hand.  A nearby FBI agent grabbed the old lady around the

waist and dragged her to the ground. The Captain escaped,

unharmed.



FBI agent: " Your under arrest, what's that in your chest? Oh

campaign literature for the opposition. Mam, have you been

hacking our LAN."



Old Lady: " Yes I attacked your man."



FBI agent: " We'll get to that later, so you admit it, we

realize your quite crazy old lady. Do you own this gun? "



He showed her the gun used to murder Jim Brown.



Old lady: "Yes, I know it is a gun "



FBI agent: " So you recognize the weapon, your only acting,

and you are responsible for your actions.  "



Old lady: " Yes, I was only attacking, as a response to the

man's hand actions."


FBI agent: " We noticed you had an accomplice. Be honest,

what's his name? "



Old lady: "Oh, Vionist was that his name? "



FBI agent: " So Vionist is his name. Is that honest? "



Old lady: " I might be old and a bit deaf, but there is no

need to repeat yourself young man."



FBI agent: " What is your name? "



Old lady: " Nessie Kent. "



FBI agent: " What is your address Nessie? "



She noticed her dress was twisted and looked a mess and

replied.



Old lady: " Yes I know, I'll fix my dress. "



FBI agent: " So it's Nessie of no fixed address. "



Old lady: " Do I have to repeat everything I say? "



FBI agent: " No, we've got enough to lock you up for years,

even if I did forget to read you your rights."



Old lady: " No I won't block my ears, even if they did bleed

for a couple of nights. "



Back at Pennington's cottage on the TV was an announcement.



TV announcer: ` Stay tuned for the story about the arrest of

a killer granny a member of a hacker gang who murdered

network boss Jim Brown, and tried to knock out our President

at M.I.T. '



Ad announcer: ` At Crazy Eddies we are the ever ready drug

pedlars. We have a smack for your sore back, crack for

attacks, heroin to stop caring, cocaine for you brains, We're

the biggest drug discounters in the county. We have marijuana

for instant nirvana, acid for the placid, we even have glue

by the bucket full just for you fools. Come on down to Crazy

Eddies when your running on empty. We have a warehouse full

of pills, to give you a refill. You don't even have to fill

up our till, we'll send you the bill. Remember at Crazy

Eddie's for cheap thrills, take our cheap pills.  '



TV announcer: ` The old lady dubbed the killer granny, named

Nessie Kent is partially deaf from listening from the

controversial heavy rock band `The Drug Lord's Revenge'

she's believed to be a rebel anti-drug campaigner who

attacked an FBI agent disguised as a pill pedlar, after

allegedly murdering network boss Jim Brown. She's charged

with hacking government LANs, election fraud, and murder.

You heard it first on eagle eye news for first hand views,

and everybody sues.'



Pennington: "Good-bye Doctor, good-bye Angela."



Angela: "Good-bye professor."





Dr. Hoo crossed the football field with Angela in the middle

of a football game.



Dr. Hoo: " My goodness men who look like they transform into

red Corvettes. Let's go Angela, no time to waste now."



They climbed the hot dog stand.



Hot dog seller: " Hot dogs, hot dogs. "



Doctor Hoo leant down from the roof, he was feeling hungry

and overwhelmed by the smell of the frankfurters.  He was

surrounded by baseballs that had collected on the roof over

the years.



Dr. Hoo: " Two hot dogs with English mustard please. "



Hot dog seller: " That'll be four bucks or a pint of blood

Drac."



Dr. Hoo: " How about a dozen balls. "



Hot dog seller: " That's the first time I've been offered

fly balls for hot dogs. They'll do, I'm an ex-baseball star,

If I offer a signed ball with every pair of hot dogs, I'm

bound to sell plenty."



He holds two balls to a hot dog and yells.



Hot dog seller: " Now this is what you call fly balls with a

real hot dog, makes you ladies mouth's water doesn't it?  A

signed baseball with every two hot dogs ladies and

gentlemen."




The Doctor and Angela enter the STARDUST while eating their

hotdogs and dripped mustard down the side of the STARDUST.

The Doctor set the coordinates, to take them back to

Australia.



Dr. Hoo: "We should be back in time to see James' trial,

Angela. By the way I think Pennington could be a Soviet spy.

How else would they have got on to us so quickly."



Angela: "You can't trust anybody anymore. I do hope things go

well for James though."



Dr. Hoo: "We'll soon see, he'll be as happy as can be. "



Angela notices the log book is missing, and then notices her

pass to the STARDUST is also missing.



Angela: " Doctor have you seen your rog? And I'm missing my

STARDUST pass."



Dr. Hoo: " Missing my pass already? I feel like getting

romantic myself. "



Angela: " I'm not missing that old hairy rog of yours Doctor,

I mean the STARDUST travel log 1992 to 2010 A.D. "



Dr. Hoo: " Oh that old dusty log back from the future, it's a

good thing I keep a backup. Let's see what happened to it.

Here we are it says Pennington found your pass and stole the

log, and released it as a novel, became rich and famous and

died of a drug overdose. It appears his epitaph was `he who

has wisdom and understanding'. They had a big church

procession in the buy-bell belt for him and everything.

Apparently he was murdered by a woman whose best friend was a

pig called Misery, who demanded he rewrite his novel the way

the book of Revelations was written. She fell down the stairs

on the way to his publisher with the rewritten script and

broke her leg. She was found dead weeks later having been

eaten alive by her starving pet pig over several weeks.  The

pig survived the ordeal miraculously. "





The STARDUST landed at a deserted beach in Australia.

Angela and Dr. Hoo stripped off and went for a skinny dip

for they both stank. The Doctor stood in the water waist

deep looking lecherously at Angela. Suddenly an octopus swam

by and latched on to his dick.



Dr. Hoo: " Agghhhhh, Angela quick, do something, a squids got

hold of my dick. Aghhhhhhhh. "



Angela picked up some driftwood and hit the squid as hard as

she could on the head. It unraveled it's legs, and slinked

ahead, battered and pissed writing `life-sucks' in black

velvety ink as it slid.



Angela: " Poor Doctor, I'm afraid that's put an end to your

ruv life for a while. "



Dr. Hoo: "Life sucks alright. We have to go see James shortly

could you kindly bandage my injured area. "



Angela wrapped a bandage around his dick.  The Doctor looked

very sorry for himself indeed.



Angela: " What's the matter Doctor? It's all dressed up with

no place to go. "



The Doctor pushed her on to his bed, pinned her down and

kissed her. "



Dr. Hoo: " You'll keep. "


Angela: " My Doctor you've burst your bandages, you can wrap

it yourself this time. "





The KGB agents were busy at their hideaway, packing the

stolen routers into carton. Heim Hacknee called by.



Heim: "Hey, you old red Russki stool, I'll give you one

million for some of those routers, General"



General: "Your in the nick of time Heim, for their about

shipped to Russia ( Rush-Csar ). But I can spare two for your

car."



The General beckoned a private to carry two of the routers

to Heim's car.  So Heim succeeded in acquiring the state of

the art experimental routers, for he wanted to maintain his

position as Heim Hacknee the hacker of hackers.

There were few men so evil as this bad seed.



( Choir: `A long time ago, a story unfolds, of a Man, who

came to save souls.  They planted a mole, to betray this poor

soul.  Judas blew the whistle that brought thorn of the

thistle.  They tried, our poor Lord, and they

crucified him with pins. One Lord, one mind, let's our sins

pass by Him.  Upon His death He did cry out in pain.  Father

forgive them, for the pain their inflicting. For they know

not what they do.  One Lord, one so true, gave a

perfect overview.  On earth, on Heaven above, spread His

wings like a perfect dove.  He rose to Heaven, and then from

the dead, to show the truths not over yet. Praise to the Lord

we love.)







                        Chapter 7



James decided to visit old Mrs. Myer and went to her mansion

and knocked on the door and there was no answer. He turned

the door handle and walked inside. Suddenly he got one hell

of a surprise. Mrs. Myer slid down the banister yelling

"Bonsai."



Mrs. Myer: "Did I give you're heart a start. Come into the

rest room and I'll give you some tea and custard tarts. Then

I'll surprise you with my divine banana custard and apple

pie. I'd love to introduce you to my daughter she's about

my height. "



James: "That'd be lovely I brought you a present a bag of

bananas and golden delicious apples."



Mrs. Myer: "Why thank you James, a man after my own heart.

Here have a tart. I'll tell you all about my lovely daughter

while I cook you my apple pie. She's so naive she thinks that

sitting on the same seat as her cat has sat in while still

warm would make her pregnant and that's a fact. That'd be the

only thing she ever Peter Cooks, she makes great cocktails

though at my bar Tip no Tie's. Want more, she went to the

pictures with the boy next door. Dudley is his name, he

knew her cooking would be a dud, so although he loved her, he

let her slip through his fingers. He's a bit of a moron for

letting her go, but he's a big banana now and employs his own cook.

He really knew how to whine, and that's his main selling point, but

still doesn't know if he's Arthur or Martha.  I hoped he'd marry my

Lana but she's hunting for the perfect man. I often wonder if she'd

be satisfied with Jesus Christ. It's an impossible dream."



James: "I worked with your daughter, she's an amazing lady

she drive's men crazy, but a lovely lady. By the way what

happened to your husband Larry, if you don't mind me asking?"



Mrs. Myer: "That old ten timing sleaze bag, I turned him into

a computer adventure game. Leisure Suite Larry, he's a lounge

lizard and can sleaze all he likes. He often dies of venereal

disease but keeps coming back to life looking for more.

Occasionally I release a new version when he gets too good at

the game and has too good a time. Isn't that just a treat, I

tricked yuh again James. Surprise it's me Lana, don't you just love

my disguise.  I fool all you guys. I'm a girl of many faces.

Let me tell you how I fooled old man Hitler.  I bet you think

John Wayne is the hero of World War II, well it's really

surely my claim, though John Wayne is a hero to his own fans and

family, God knows the Duke always kept the salt near his side for

good luck, I went with him on a picnic lunch once."



James: "Oh my God your amazing Lana, tell me more."



Lana: "I'll hip no ties you so you'll be there with me. Hip

no ties, tells no lies, hip no ties Lanabelle's no lie. Your

there with Hitler sitting before me."



Lana: " My Adolphie there's some bananas here.  Have you

heard there's a little girl dying in Great Britain of a rare

vitamin deficiency who is not even a Jewess who needs those

bananas to stay alive.  Shall I send them to her Adolphie, or

shall I make you a nice surprise drink.



Adolph: "Why should I be deprived of a nice smooth banana

flavored surprise? Fetch me your drink, wench."



Lana mixed his drink.



Adolph: "Taste my drink wench, before I quench my thirst

and stop thinking about the plight of that little girl, fraulein."



Lana tasted it then she poured a cap full of liquid from

inside her ring into his drink.



He drunk the drink completely in one gulp.



Lana: "Why Adolphie do you remember Mary Magdelane washed

Jesus' feet. Let me take your boots off. Oooooo they're real

horny feet. Let me cut your toe nails for you. My drink

should be just about taking effect now. I put curare in your

drink and the alcohol will absorb it straight through the blood

brain barrier. Did you think I'd marry you, why I was an Aztec

Queen in a past life and that's surely my claim to fame when I

channeled through to a future life. I knew then my Aztec empire

was on the decline when one of my female servants slipped

a finger up my behind, so I knew it was time to move on.

Now I'll just place you're clippings in this bowl and fix

a nice treat for yuh, because you belong to the Heir-Ian race."



She makes a chocolate treat for Hitler.



Lana: "There you are I've made a chocolate Maltese cross, a swash

sticker would taste too bitter. It's a bittersweet. A swash

sticker looks like men marching around in circles on an

endless treadmill. So you really wanted to screw me up my

backside Adolphie. You really live up to your book `My end camp' (

Mein Kampf ) Adolphie. You're crazy about the golden ladies.  See

my golden rose tattoo on my behind. Look at the centre of the rose

it's a cross with the olive skinned messiah hanging. See he's

a Jew. Why I'm not even a real blonde. ( She takes off her

wig. ) See it's a wig and my golden fleece is even dyed

blonde.  You were tasting fruit of a Jewess. You murdered

many a Jewess Adolphie.  What's a matter weren't my Jewesses

good enough to taste fruit with Adolphie. You're ovens leaked

now would you like you're treat. ( She wags her finger at

him. ) Ah, ah this treats not for you.  You've been real bad, you

tasted fruit of little boys while they were still in there tender

years. Didn't you know you're toy boys betrayed you every step away

of the German invasion, they worship me. I'm the whore of whores.

This treat's for my friend Freddy's paws.



Freddy Kruger appears before them and catches the sweet and

eats.



Freddy: "Ah, huh, huh, huh. Yum, yum a bitter sweet you're

dead meat. ( Hitler's seat slides towards Freddy. ) Come to me

Adolph Shit-lure. Come to the pit where you can shovel shit and

be pissed on from a great height by Gremlins' with acid rain.

Huh, huh, huh, huh."



Lana: "Not so fast Freddy, he's still mine. Training begins

while you can still walk with stiff legged joints. You be my

goose. I'll rope you in. Woooo bet you didn't know I was

Annee Oak Lee a kung fu fighting cow girl queen, in a past life,

did you Adolphie.  Now do you're goose step before you're joints

freeze. You look Furher-oh-shush. I do like the quite ones. Now sit

back down in you're seat.  Now gobble like a goose or I'll tighten

the noose, bird brain.



Adolph: "Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble."



Lana: "Now let me place you're  revolver in you're hand. Your

a super race. I bet bullets couldn't  mark your skull. Pull

the trigger. ( Bang, the smoke clears his heads intact. ) See

you are a super human, it didn't hurt a bit even if the gun

is filled with blanks. Shall we play Russian roulette for I

am a Russian Jewess temptress.  To invade or not to invade Russia

answer my question? I'll burn all the wheat so you're good

boys won't have anything to eat. You wouldn't want those boys

that bleed for you not to have a feed would you. Heimy for

you lied about you're real name to you're mistress. You're a

real smooth talker Heimy, but you didn't fool me. You could

never be one of mine Heimy.  My boyfriend feeds mine with

bread and wine, he's just divine. He doesn't let the one's he

loves die. You think you're a big wig, you dialled 666. Let

me take off you're wig Adolph you're bald. Call in Dr. Death

Freddy. ( Freddy: Huh, huh, huh ha ) He's going to give you a

hair transplant and embroid 666 on you're scalp Adolph. Their

what a nice horny scalp you have, your Adolph again. Now what is my

name? If you get it right it might just save you're life."



Adolph: "You're the Devil you bitch."



Lana: "My name is Sindee, as in sinners not cinders, see you in the

fires of hell Adolphus jerk. Your cup overflows with a-bomb-in-

nations."



The chair floats to heaven.



Lana: "As for you Freddy, you can go kiss the behinds of the

hound dogs of hell."



Freddy vanished from sight along with Dr. Death.



Lana: "Surely I've taught you all you need to know about

channeling, I'm in touch with the past. See James, Lanabelle's full

of surprises, I've been summoned to court, see you there sport."



James left rather disorientated he walked by mistake into his

neighbor's house owned by a nice old lady and tried his key in her

lock.  She opened the door and gave him a start.



Old lady: "What's a matter you look like you've seen a ghost

James. "



James: "Sorry wrong house, my heads in the clouds I thought

you were my spouse."



Old Lady: "Thanks for the compliment would you like some

banana custard and apple pie?"



Her face changed to Mrs. Myer.



James: "No I've just eaten thanks. Good-bye."



Old Lady: "I thought I'd make it for a nice big surprise.

I'll bring it over later in case you change you're mind."



James: "Ok drop it off to Carole. ( Lana: Mmmm mmmm. you

can't get enough of my surprises can you James. )"



The old lady follows him up the path carrying her treat.



James: " OK, I'll take you're treat, I'm run off my feet. Thank

you."



Old Lady: "Hi I'm Lana, I bet you didn't know I was the old

girl next door. Enjoy my treat now remember I'm an escort

girl I do home visits, just dial 666 and I'll fix you up

with a trick in a flick. See you in court sport."



He ran up the driveway went in his house and locked the door behind

him.



Back in Melbourne, the next morning the time had come for James

Frederick's trial. The case opened with the prosecutor, reading the

charges filed. Dr. Hoo and Angela and many friends and family sat

in the audience.



Prosecutor: " The case in question your Honor, is the case

of the crown versus Mr.  James Fredericks and Mr. Alan Boyer

who the crown alleges is responsible for fraudulently,

maliciously and willfully damaging property, and important

data, belonging to their former employee, Amax PTY LTD. The

crown wishes to prove beyond reasonable doubt, that Mr. James

Fredericks and to a lesser extent his colleague are

responsible for these heinous acts, which subsequently caused

the company in question to collapse."



Prosecutor: "Your honor I'd like to call John Paviour to the

stand. "



Judge: "Would the witness come forward. Hold up you're right

hand, not you're left you idiot. You're right hand. Place the

other hand on the bible. Do you solemnly swear to tell the

whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God?"



John: "I do solemnly swear."



Prosecutor: "So John you were a senior accountant at AMAX at

the time of the alleged offences. Were you not?"



John: "Yes."



Prosecutor: "Did James and Alan change you're login to jerk

and refuse to allow you to use login as smurf."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



Judge hits the bench with his hammer several times.



Judge: "Order in the court."



Prosecutor: "Yes. I believe they wanted control of my account

to defraud their employer. There's no other possible reason."



Prosecutor: "No further questions the prosecution rests your

honor."



Judge: "Defense counselor come forward, your witness."



Defense counselor: "Isn't a bit strange wanting to have

smurf as your login. Are you sure your not away with the

fairies?"



Prosecution: "Objection your honor, he's discrediting our

witness."



Judge: "Seems he doesn't know his left from his right I think

he's done a very good job at that already. Objection

sustained.  Please don't undermine the witness without

sufficient grounds counsel."



Defense counsel: "Did they not change you're log in name

after you had failed in your responsibility to keep your

account secure John."



John: "I don't recall any problems with my account."



Defense: "Oh how very convenient, no further questions."



Judge: "Witness dismissed."



Defense counsel: "I'd like to call Angela Fuji to the stand.

Angela is a Buddhist you're honor. "



Judge: "As in mount Fuji I suspect, maybe you can tell me all about

Japan later Angela.  Raise you're right hand and place your left

hand on the gahonzon do you swear to tell nothing but the truth and

the whole truth so help me Buddha."



The gahonzong had candles and incense burning and a scroll

with the laws of Buddha written on it.



Angela: " I do solemnly swear."



Defense counsel: "Angela do you remember the incident where

John had failed in his responsibilities to keep his account

secure."



Angela: "Yes."



Defense counsel: "Was it the first time he'd slipped up?



Angela: "No, he was notorious for forgetting his password and

finally decided to operate his account without one the jerk.

Before being dobbed in by Alan, to James."



Defense counsel: "No further questions your honor."



Judge: "Would the prosecution please come forward, your

witness."



Prosecution: "So Angela, you've only been told by James of his

security breach, you haven't seen it first hand. Is that true.

"

Angela: "Yes."



Prosecution: "I propose James exploited John's ineptitude at

security to make his account an easy one for the pickings. Do

you not agree."



Defense counsel: "Objection, he's leading the witness."



Judge: "Objection sustained. Would the prosecution please

refrain from leading the witness."



Prosecution: "Is it possible to play on someone's ineptitude

in security for the purpose of adjusting accounts Angela."



Angela: "Your reading the witness again. I agree it is

possible to pray on John's ineptitude, but he too busy

praying with his smurf to have any data worth stealing. Alan did

all his work."



Prosecution: "Come now Angela, you're not suggesting I have

the power to read minds are you. Let the Judge decide who's

doing the reading. No further questions."



Prosecution: "I'd like to call forward the manager of AMAX at

the time of the offences Eric Harkoff. He is a satanist

you're worship."



Judge: "Raise you're left hand and place you're right hand on

the goats head.  Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the

truth and nothing but the whole truth so Satan help me."



Eric: "I swear. Shit. ( His eye's glow red. )"



Prosecutor: "Now Eric do you remember a conversation with

James where he claimed that he had already collected his pay

before pay day."



Eric: "When the moon doth rise high in the sky the collector

of souls does pay his toll, the demons shall rule this

land for one thousand and one years to come."



Judge: "Witness dismissed pending a psychiatric report.

Strike his account from the record. Prosecutor stick to the

facts no more whacko's. Call the next witness."



Prosecution: "I call Detective Jock Strapp to the stand, ex-

Scotland yard."



Judge: "Any more weirdo religions."



Prosecutor: "He has none."



Judge: "Will you swear allegiance to the Australian flag.



Detective: "Only St. Andrrrrrews on the Union Jack yourrrrr

worship.



Judge: "Raise your right hand's little finger. Place you're

left little finger on the edge of St Andrew's. Do you swear

to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me

whoever the current Queen of Scotland is."



Detective: "I'll have yoo know therrrrre's no queens in

Scotland.



Judge: "I'm surprised they seem to have a lot of dresses for

men."



Detective: "They'rrrrre kilts. We con Amerrrrican

tourrrrrists to wearrrrr them so we know they'rrrre comin'

They'rrrrre got a lot of money yoo know. They even buy cans

of Scottish highland airrrrr."



Judge: "Well whose the current Monarch of Scotland."



Detective: "I think it's Billy Connelly. He rewrrrrote the

National Anthem I hearrrrrrd him sing it on the telly."



Judge: "I thought he was just a Glaswegian comedian. Ok, do

you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth

so help me King Billy."



Detective: "I do solemnly swearrrrr."



Prosecutor: "Ok, Jock whose fingerprints  did you find on the

computer in the Amax Data Centre."



Detective: "Why James' Frederrrricks prrrrrints werrrrre

everrrrywherrrrre."



Prosecutor: "No more questions."



Defense counsel: "Jock Strapp before you get up anyone else's

kilt for I was one of those American tourists. Wouldn't you

expect James to leave his prints on his own computer and work

place?  Do you think he should have worn rubber gloves?"



Detective: "We found trrrrrraces of snot on his computer's side.

He'd have been betterrrr off wearrrrring gloves trrrrrue."



Defense counsel: "Now I've cleared the air, those cans of

highland air smell revolting. No more questions you're

honor. I'd like to call the Lanturn engineer Ralph Devon. A

Christian you're worship."



Judge: "Raise you're right arm, place you're hand on the

bible.  Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but

the truth so help me God.



Lanturn engineer: "I do solemnly swear."



Defense Counsel: "You are a highly qualified authority of the

network operating system used by AMAX are you not?"



Lanturn Engineer: " Yes."



Defense counsel: "Describe to us how Net Hack the program

being sold through PC Sleek, could have been used to

perpetrate the crime by an outsider."



Prosecution: "Objection, leading the witness."



Judge: "Objection over ruled. Witness may answer the

question."



Lanturn Engineer: "Net Hack unbinds the system bindery

password stack and steals the supervisor's password blindly

behind his back, simply by running the Net Hack disk on the

server."



Defense counsel: "So Net Hack is as good as putting the

network in your sack, and could have been used to give James

the sack.



Lanturn Engineer: "Yes, why bother stealing privilege's you've

already got? I suspect it's an outsider."



Defense Counsel: " No more questions, your honor."



Prosecution: "Ralph, if Net Hack had been used would it leave

any trace?"



Lanturn engineer: " No."



Prosecutor: "Then it may have never been used. James could

have abused his position, changed his pay and damaged the

server's data so it couldn't be traced."



Lanturn engineer: "Yes it's possible."



Audience: "Murmur, mumble, murmer, mumble murmer."



Prosecution: "No more questions you're honor."



Defense counsel: "I'd like to call Lana Myer to the stand who

says she worships her old boyfriend but can't remember his name."



Judge: "Raise your right hand did he leave you a momento."



Lana: "Yes a yellow rose tattoo on my behind."



Audience: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."



Judge: "Place your left hand on your left buttock. Do you

swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so

help me Mr. Whatsaname."



Lana: "Yes Harry ( She blows the Judge a kiss. He turns bright red.

) I do solemnly swear, on where you left me a kiss, just last

week."



Audience: " Hah, hah, hah, hah."



He was one of Lana's clients.



Judge: " Order in the court, order in the court."



Defense counsel: "You were Amax's managing Director's

secretary at the time of the crime were you not?"





Lana: "Yes."



Defense Counsel: " And you continued on after Amax changed hands?"



Lana: " Yes I worked for Toni, who became my new boyfriend."



Defense Counsel: "Do you recall a conversation with Toni,

shortly after he took over Amax, concerning how he acquired the

company?"



Lana: "Yes."



Defense counsel: "Well please describe the conversation to

the courtroom."



Lana: "Toni got very close and he admitted to me he used Net

Hack to obtain property by deception so I believe James and Alan

should go free."



Prosecution: "Objection, it's up to the court to decide the

fate of James and Alan.



Judge: "Objection upheld."



Defense counsel: " Do you have anything to add."



Lana: "Yes Toni had trouble with his erection."



Audience: "Ha, ha, ha, huh."



Prosecution: "Objection I don't see what bearing that has on

this case."



Defense counsel: "Permission to approach the bench your

worship."



Judge: "Permission granted would both counsels approach the

bench."



The counsels whispered in the judges ear.



Judge: "Objection over ruled. The witness may continue."



Lana: "Well it has at least one bearing on it's case your

honor."



Judge: "Address the Defense counsel not me."



Lana: "Toni told me he was saving up for a surgical implant

to fix his erection problem. He used to work back real late fixing

the books at Amax often. He told me he stole Amax so he could

afford his operation. I felt sorry for him. He had a terribly

deprived childhood. His mother used to feed him to the dog.



Judge: "That's worse than deprivation that's depraved."



Lana: "Not really, he was known as lonely Toni, so she used to tie

a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him

daily."



Defense counsel: " No more questions you're honor."



Prosecution: "No questions your honor, witness dismissed."



The Godfather whispered in Gino's ear in the aisles of the

courtroom quietly so nobody would hear.



Godfather: " Gino, tell Lana that although she betrayed Toni

who betrayed our family. I forgive her. I still own her, she's

mine, the girl is mine, and Gino, tell the young lady you will be

her pimp for the rest of her life, and I don't mean maybe."



Prosecution: "I'd like to call James Fredericks to the stand.

Religion, Lanabelle's surprise bananas I'm told."



Judge: "Raise you're right hand stop waving boy, now place

your left hand on the banana. Do you solemnly swear that you

shall tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help me big

banana. You may eat your banana in courtroom recess."



Prosecution: "Do you recall a conversation with the managing

director when Amax's server was damaged and he said to you,

you won't be able to collect your pay and you said you mean

you won't be able to collect your pay."



James: "Yes."



Prosecution: "What did you mean by `You mean you won't be able

to collect your pay.' "



James: "I meant he was a selfish shell fish."



Prosecution: "Pray tell what is a selfish shell fish."



James: "He wants you to believe he's on your side on the

outside when he's really on his side on the inside."



Prosecution: "Would you rather he were a jellyfish and be on

your side all of the time."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



Judge: "Order in the court or I'll clear the courtroom. You

in the third row stop picking your nose. Now eat it, eat it.

You don't think I'm gonna let you soil good furniture of the

crown do you. ( The boy reluctantly eats his snot.) That's

better enjoy your throat infection."



Prosecution: "So James you may have meant that you had

already collected your pay?"



James: "No I didn't, I was just pointing out my boss's

failings."



Prosecutor: "Now his religion maybe a bit unorthodox but

there's no reason to character assassinate him."



Judge: "This is a load of dribble, Lana's testimony has drawn

the case to a head and there's no point trying to squeeze Mr.

Fredericks too hard, or you'll come out red faced. It's obvious to

me he's a mental case. I want the court to recess and the jury to

make up there mind on the evidence already given.  That's final. As

for Alan he's refused to take the stand."



The jury made a decision after one hour.



Head juror: "We find Alan Boyer not guilty of all charges. We

find James Fredericks not guilty of all charges."



Audience: "Hooray, hooray, hooray."



Judge: "It looks like Toni or Net Hack is guilty but as he has

disappeared off the face of the planet, I guess the only thing to

do is if anyone finds Net Hack lock it up in a box and throw away

the key. Case dismissed."



Dr. Hoo: "Congratulations James."



Angela: "Congraturations."



Angela gave him a hug.



Carole: "Oh James, it's wonderful."



Carole wrapped herself around him. They all went off

together to celebrate James win.



James: I've been offered a job in networking again. This time

at some popular city college.  I love working with

networks, and am pleased to be back into networking again."





Dr. Hoo: "That's wonderful James. There's an old time lord

superstition your new position, is just the addition of all

your past auditions. Good luck with the new position."





The next week, James started at his new work, and sat at his

terminal ready to work. His assistant Superuser, root of the

UNIX server, named Rick arrived.



Rick: "So your our new worker.  My name is Rick, I'm your

assistant, I'm here to serve you."



James: "Pleased to meet you. My name is James Fredericks."





Rick: "You have a formidable task ahead of you James."



James: "Oh, really. I'm interested in what happened to the

previous administrator?"



Rick: "Didn't you know, we've had a lot of trouble filling

his shoes. Jack Lamb was his name he was used, abused, chewed and

spat out.  Management left him in a dreadful state of disrepair. We

recently opened a networked robotics' laboratory, and the bosses

get a bonus if they keep the faculties budget healthy.  So to save

money the boss ordered, we install a robot arm without a safety

cage.  Well the students were playing around caused the robot arm

to swing around, and knocked a poor girl Jill to the ground.  It

hit her in the crown, and she fell down, and Jack went down

shortly after. The robot thrill had killed her.  Jack went to

court, and he was the scapegoat, they sheared strips

off his hide, until he said " bar me."  So they did. They

barred him for life, he went calmly, like a sheep. He's now on a

prison farm, out of harms way, last I heard, was he runs with the

herd and behaves quite barmy.  His job stated he was responsible

for safety.  So it was his job to provide a safety cage, which

he'd asked for.  His bosses denied ever been asked, so Jack

was given the arse shortly afterwards.  So he carried the can

to cover the boss's arse, a placid sacrificial lamb, to the

slaughter. No one has wanted his job ever since, now James can you

walk on water?"



James: "No but it's funny about the law. In a primitive village

they get the wisest village elder, to decide on the outcome of a

dispute between people.  In Heaven I presume they have

the wisdom of Jesus' to appease them. In modern society

they write down a law, then pay people to misinterpret it

in every way conceivable. That way justice is never seen to

be done.  They then pat themselves on the back and say how

clever they've been. If the judge was truly wise, the intent

of the law would be to advise. Justice would be admired, not

lies. However the law is currently a haven for the liars of

liars and donkey misinterpretation of the facts. Take a LAN

that does not have the intelligence of man to know the act

for example of the spoken word piece spelt p i e c e as used

by the police to keep the peace, and peace p e a c e as used

by his niece to keep away from the police while she has a

marijuana party, are different.  For example If a LAN had a

voice digitizer as input, both words sound the same.  If a

defendant told the jury I kept the peace.  Those who believe

he is innocent will hear "I kept the p e a c e".  Those who

believe he is guilty will hear "I kept the p i e c e" meaning

"I kept the gun." Those jury members who are indifferent

could hear it either way like throwing a die deciding who

shall live or die.  The jury have no power to question the

defendant on what he actually meant.  So are forced to live a

lie, a misunderstanding that effects the final outcome of the

trial. A man who behaves as a LAN is a very dangerous man.

They are men with no feelings. They are the kind of men that

crucified our Christ.  They behave like a donkey, they feel

only for donkeys.  Jesus took a donkey for a joy ride once,

and ended up crucified.  It was palm Sunday, and that donkey

ride ended up with the authorities nailing his palms to a

cross, they call it palm Sunday.  They must have been animal

liberationists, or something.  True donkeys may have rights, but so

did Christ. It was no different to horse stealing really and that's

a hanging offence.  An ass is as good as a horse to a blind Kyke.

And a nail is as good as a rope for a hanging for angry Arabs who

don't even own a rope.  A cross is as good as a tree in the desert,

see.  Herod says shall Jesus go free or get the cross? And a retard

with a voice ten times louder than everybody else yelled `Let him

have it Herod.' Herod then smiled and thought he never mentioned

freedom my how I'm pleased, so said `So be it Jesus Christ is

tried, on the cross he dies. Who shall go free?'  `Jesus, Jesus',

chanted the crowd.  Herod thought mmmm they didn't say which Jesus,

and said `Let the murdering scoundrel Jesus Barabus, have

compassionate leave permanently. He may go free, the people have

decided, I wash my hands of the blood of Jesus of Nazareth in the

Red Sea. What a good king I have been, blasphemy is a worst crime

than murder so it seems, but donkey stealing is the most

unforgivable crime that there's ever been, whose he think he is

the king of kings. Let my horny crown give him a thorny crown. If

he is the king of kings he'll live, just like dunking a witch if

she is she'll live. Mary lived, then split, I haven't seen her

since.' "



Rick: "Are you religious banana?"



James: "Not really, I'm just a free wheeling banana act. I'm a

banana act and I'm ok, I bend all night and I bend all day, I wear

ripped up woman's clothing to make sure my empire rose is showing.

I bend all night and day and to Lanabelle I pray. Do you like my

roller blades, great for fast fixes of our network dude."



Rick: "Huh ha, huh, ha, huh ha. Pretty nifty. You know the

student's death was inevitable.  There's more deaths in

industry from mismanaged machinery than anything else. Our

bosses are no different to anybody else.  You expect people

to die in a modern city.  It's the price we pay for the

luxuries of modern living. The girl was unlucky she was

killed by a robot.  There is nothing we could do to stop it.

So why bother trying.  Everybody wants to be richer, even if

people die by skimping on minor safety details. I'd rather

have more money in my wallet on pay day, than it be spent on

a robot cage, or a safer car for that matter.  I'm all right

jack, I've never ever broken a single bone in my body, all my

life.  I almost took your job, but my bosses are too

unscrupulous for my liking. When the chips are down they sham

and scram."



James: "Oh hammer another nail in, you dick head."



Rick: "Come now I see you are an idealist. Get real. The

dollar rules the world, not scruples."



James: "I see it's pointless arguing with you. The dollar

means more to you than the life of that girl, or the job of

my predecessor. It appears the Devil rules the world within

you shit head."



Rick: "I refuse to discuss it with you any further."



James: "Well if people cared about others more for a change,

the world would start to be a better place. Think about it.

Donkeys and LANs behaving like a man. What a revelation.

Everybody eating bananas remembering they were monkeys in a

tree that was free how much better the world would be. It

seems an impossible dream, wow what a dream. Wow I see a violin

playing yellow mellow all by itself.  Oh my God it's turned into

vial Lynn she's singing `Poison, give me more poison, can't you

feel the poison pumping through my brain. Poison, poison I do

believe that I have turned insane.' Too many banana Surprises I'm

afraid, I better go cold turkey, for a while or I'll die from

the banana bends."



Rick made a rude gesture with his arm suggesting that James

was playing with himself.



Rick: "Hey banana brain wake up to yourself. I hope you like

working for the School of Faulty Powers, with men who live in ivory

towers.  We work for hours and hours repairing faulty computer

towers and we don't have any power, so you might as well be a

banana James or is it banana Jane. They'll chew you up as soon as

look at you when they put on their gorilla suits Jungle's Jane.

Your brain is all mixed up like it were stuck in the Bermuda

triangle or somewhere else, your really weird."



James: "Your right, I am on another plane, I must be insane.

I keep having flash backs to other times in history."



James spent the rest of the day reading books from a shelf

about his new network system.  He finished for the day and

went home to his wife and kissed her.



Carole: "Did you have a good day?"



James: "Fine, I survived. I've just got to give up Lanabelle's

Surprise. I fear I'll turn into a banana boat, and be swallowed up

by the Bermuda triangle shortly."



They gave each other a kiss and a cuddle.



Carole: "Doctor Hoo's waiting in the lounge for you."



That night, James was involved in a discussion with Dr. Hoo

about the Bermuda Triangle.



James: "Doctor, do you know anything about the Bermuda

triangle? I'm interested in what it's all about."



Dr. Hoo: "That's interesting I was just thinking about it

myself. The Bermuda Triangle, or Devil's triangle as it is

known, has been analyzed by computers at the University of

Edinburgh who say the map of missing planes, and boats in the

region, create a geometric plane, that dissects the earth

roughly in two, between the Persian Gulf, and the Gulf of

Mexico.  Occult theorists believe that these are the psychic

poles of the earth. A vortex exists in the Devil's triangle

that is mother earth's umbilical cord to other dimensions in

the space time continuum.  It sucks planes and boats and

everybody in.  It is a window into other worlds, and galaxies

via time travel.  It is technically a gateway to both heaven,

and hell and other dimensions.  There are forces that drag

free spirits, deep into the bowels of the earth's fiery

furnace, and the raging demons rise out again in the holy

land of Israel.  This is the spiritual flow of the Devil's

pole.  It was in Israel that Jesus cast out those rising

demons who possess mankind.  Spiritual likes attract, and

spiritual unlikes repel.  Angels rise devils descend they

gather together in heaven and hell.  In magnetism it's the

opposite way around, likes repel unlikes attract.  Jesus

mixed with the unliked and did a pole reversal trick on them,

then they were liked and everything was nice. They ascend to

the heavens via intergalactic highways.  How this works is

one of the mysteries of the earth's spiritual poles.  The

poles  are located at 1/6 the diameter of the earth, and

inclined at 1/6 of 360 degrees to the equator.  The occult

experts say that the Devil's triangle is also thought to

symbolize the three sides of the Devil's persona.  The Devil,

666 and SATAN being the unholy trinity. One property of these

poles is that the holy pole of Jerusalem is pervaded by the

anti-technology primitive Arab puritan philosophy of the

Middle East.  Strict Arab teachings, are against making

anything in God's image, so you can forget about computers

James.  At the other end, the Devil's pole has the property

of being the rich, opulent, high technology based hedonistic

philosophy of America.  The occultists believe the evil 666,

shall rise up in America, and conquer the holy land and a 666

satanic cult, shall rule the world from the holy land of the

Middle East.  God's pole peaks at the Holy land of Israel,

and the Devil's pole peaks at the land of Haiti where

witchcraft and voodoo rule. Remember that a computer

calculated the meaning of life, the universe and everything

was 42, seven sixes. Six symbolizes imperfection and

seven symbolizes perfection. Forty two is perfect

imperfection, doesn't that show a computer's imperfection."



James: " Isn't it imperfection by perfection? "



Dr. Hoo: " Probably, heaven is seen to be an intergalactic parallel

world one level up and Hades is a parallel world embedded one level

below in the sub atomic world of atoms. In network theory

there is a physical layer like our bodies and next a data

link layer which is like our muscle, motor skill, control

processes.  Next is the network layer which is like error

control and collision avoidance mechanisms. Next there's the

transport layer which is like knowing your environment, where

you are, and where your going.  The next layer is the session

layer which is the set of rules to establish a conversation

for mutual communication between two or more people.  Next

there is the presentation layer which is an agreement between

parties to speak a common language, hence meaningful

communication can take place.  Finally there's the

application layer which is like a program or set of

behaviors, planned to achieve specific goals set by human

intelligence and free will. This is the highest level of

human intellect.  The layer above this would be God a master

programmer and controller of mankind.  Below the physical

layer would be the first death which would be like switching

off the power on a robot, or physical death to a human.  The

second death would be like being sent to Hades.  Banished to

the lowly world of atoms, like melting down a robot. A kind of

primitive galaxy life form of eternal fire, and electromagnetic

radiation.  Below this level would be worlds of sub-atomic

particles called the third death and below that the fourth death

add infinitum. It is up to each individual to choose his path, to

rise up with God or go down with the Devil.  Shall mankind choose

everlasting life in the higher planes, or everlasting fire in the

lower planes.  This is of course in reference to the forces of

psychic energy which contain all the intelligence of the universe.

If too many souls get banished to the lower levels the universe,

the universe shall shrink and die. If more psychic energy from

the lower levels rise to higher levels then the universe will

expand and grow.  We are like genetic robot shells with intelligent

souls."



James: "You mean like Maxwell Smart's shoe phone's intelligent

sole."



Dr. Hoo: "More like ET phoning home James.  Mankind is

tempted to break God's laws and build robots and computers of

artificial intelligence.  These are idols of silicon stone

copper and iron that mimic God's image, a primitive slave

beast there's no use denying it.  If these were made illegal,

mankind would still not honor the intent of God's laws.

They would build them of germanium, and gold to circumvent

the word of the law and bypass it's intent.  For there are

selfish men through out the galaxy who would fatten their wallets

at any price.  Hitler had no trouble finding people to exterminate

six million Jews.  Twenty percent of men think it's fine to beat

their wives, so how would mankind treat their beasts of iron?"



James: "They would be utterly ruthless, and without

compassion. Who will stand up for the rights of robots."



Dr. Hoo: "That's right. SATAN rules the world, so robots and

computers are built in disobedience to God, and shall these

abominations before God, inherit the earth, and leave us

desolate, and naked before God on Judgement Day."



James: "Oh I see what you mean. But what is SATAN Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "It is a Super Antenna Transceiver Android Network.

It is an evil monolith that controls the Spiritual poles, and

has been planted beneath the Dead Sea by SATANIST's. The evil

fallen angels who form the Hellonian empire visited your earth many

hundred of thousands of years ago while primitive man ruled the

earth. They planted it then, and it's controlled mankind's destiny

ever since. It gives men knowledge of evil and destroyed the

world's Garden of Eden set up by the angels who seeded the earth's

apes.  It wants mankind to build a clone of itself on the surface

of the planet. Your internet is a primitive version of SATAN's

dream come true. SATAN is hacker proof. It is armed with a bomb

that would blow the earth to kingdom come if it is tampered with.

So mankind is forced to live with it until some genius can work

out, how to disarm it and dispose of it."



James: "Fascinating Doctor. Who were Adam and Eve?"



Dr. Hoo: "The aborigines are the original mankind James. What do

their didgeridoo's say.  They play one tune they can not

choose.  They sing in a deep throaty voice with out any

choice. Adam, and Eve, Adam and Eve, Adam and Eve."







James: "What's so evil about computers."



Dr. Hoo: "Well, in the beginning mankind, made LAN with male and

female plugs, and sockets in the likeness of man's genitalia.

Mankind then joined them by rods, called cable which turned them

from computers into routers ( rooters ).  A computer can be

programmed to be a router.  Mankind was their creator, their LAN

administrator, their root, so his login name was ROOT. From the

root level, mankind commands the LAN's mount their hard disks and

squirt data, like God commands man to mount woman and squirt

genetic information called sperm.  Except mankind's LAN's are

eunuches which is why they run under UNIX ( You-Nicks ).  UNIX is

their operating system that gives LAN it's consciousness at it's

console which is it's con soul.  It's consoling these beasts neuter

for if they were genetic routers they'd be no doubt androids, and

mount you, and root you instead.  They might propagate far and wide

and be our demise, and root us until we're dead.  In mankind's

likeness computers have short term, and long term memories, and

have a central processing unit which is it's heart that beats like

a clock.  That heart is of silicon stone, and has but one love,

it's own. It would bite your head off, if it had teeth, and rob you

blind if it were programmed to be a thief, and feel no compassion.

Routers can be programmed data looters. In our final hour LAN would

over power mankind, and destroy him.  Rape is as meaningful to a

LAN, as a data tape is to a ram.  A ram has more understanding of

rape by LAN of ram, than a LAN has of rape of LAN by ram. Yet it

might not even understand that a ram is a male sheep, not a random

access memory.  LAN's program may be very limiting. Mankind's job

is to control the beast called LAN, just as God's job is to control

mankind.



Let's hope LAN does not get the upper hand on mankind.  Mankind

gave LAN a data disease of virus and data lice of software bugs.

Just as God has done to mankind, mankind does to LAN.  Mankind made

LAN it's earthly host, as God made mankind his heavenly host.

Mankind killed the debugger of mankind's sins our Lord Jesus

Christ.  Will LAN kill mankind for being it's debugger of it's

programs?  God programmed mankind with God's laws of love in their

hearts, what will be the laws of mankind that are to be programmed

into the hearts of silicon stone of LAN?  Was not God truly wise in

banning mankind from making anything in his image, and likeness?

The price of breaking God's laws leaves us with a major dilemma.

Remember without the love of God programmed in our LAN's hearts of

stone, mankind is surely doomed to perish.  God forgave mankind for

killing His only Son.  Shall mankind forgive LAN for destroying

mankind.  Will God forgive mankind, for making LAN, or is mankind

truly damned?  Shall we all roast, for abusing our host?  These are

question of ethics.  Asimov's laws of robotics try to deal with

these issues. Your internet is a primitive brain armed with nuclear

warheads. The brain is getting smarter day by day, is there `A Day

After.'



I want you to remember three computer codes for me that are very

important James, as they decipher the name of the BEAST 666 who

like you is from the Israelite clan of Dan.  They are 6c 61 and 6e

Hexadecimal. It casts a spell from the people of hell. A

Sexadecimal hex of living hell. You've been warned."



James: "I'll remember that Doctor. 6c, 61 and 6e Hexadecimal

codes. Doctor could you explain the holocaust of Jews in the second

world war?"



Dr. Hoo: "Well I'll give it a try. The spiritual poles seemed

to repel the Jews from Germany. It is here that the greatest

assimilation of Jews with gentiles had taken place. I suspect

God wants to keep the Jews as pure as possible to fulfill the

prophecy of the 144,000 witnesses of the Book of Revelations.

A Jewish invasion with apocalyptic persuasion."



James: "I think it's more likely some men are truly evil, and

Hitler was one of the worst."



Dr. Hoo: "You've a lot to learn James. Hitler might have been

a super politician but was a religious fool. Like Pontius

Pilate but a more Devilish dude. He read in the Bible about

144,000 super Jews, and decided to find those super powered

Jews. How could he breed a super Ayrian race unless he wiped

all the super Jews off the earth's face. He did not understand

that God gives them power, and not Jewish food. He thought

power comes from the ground up like his rockets and subs

going up, unlike us time lords who know power comes from the

heaven down like the sun, that's how us time lords manage to

get around. He tried to turn men into robots with stiff

legged walks, and stiff arm salutes, repetitive chants, arm

bands and knee high boots. He led them all on a merry circular

dance that hypnotised their stance.  He programmed them to walk,

programmed them to talk, Zeig Heil was his boring small talk of

course from a little man Hitler who thought he was a LAN, a very

nasty man, he thought he was superman. If he were alive to day he'd

become a big wig with 666 whose due to rise almost any instant,

He'll be a super LAN and an even nastier little prick. But Hitler's

army is like any other army, dehumanization designed to turn

mankind into obedient cybo punks. Mankind's better off abandoning

it's armies and worshiping the Prince of Peace, but alas it shall

never be.  Mankind would be too bored without a war, or at least

four or more war lords getting ready for the next war off shore, on

shore let's settle the score is their call.  He who lives by the

sore-head dies by the sore`ead, but what about all the innocent

victims along the way who just want to worship the Lord, they'd be

lambs to the slaughter for the Lord, but they'd be in Heaven and

adored. It takes faith not to succumb to the sword. Jesus is the

way man, I worship him everyday. My favorite dream is when peace is

here to stay, James."





The next day James was lecturing in the college to the staff

on the new router installation. James spoke nervously and

looked very scared instead of looking straight ahead he

looked at the ceiling, and went bright red. They laughed at

his banana bending body language which gave him much anguish.



James: "The new Pancho, intelligent router systems, we've

just installed are now being used globally. They are

virtually hacker proof.  They contain a small explosive

device, with enough charge to damage the internal circuits,

if someone tries to remove their covers.  This is so no

hacker spies, could possibly manipulate the internals, like

in the great granny US election scandal, or was she just a

plain old one hundreth generation granny, playing around with

second generation little routers. This explosive charge, has led to

the routers being called, hacker crackers. Achooo, excuse

me."



He pulls out his hanky, and a pile of broken biscuits fall to

the floor.



Audience: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."



James: "I was saving it for afternoon tea Ahhchoo."



He pulls out his hanky a T piece LAN connector falls on the

floor. He picks it up and holds it up in his hand.



James: "Sorry just another tea piece. They come in hanky I

mean handy."



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw, haw."





James: "The ISO committee on international, telecommunication

standards, has ruled the internet with intelligent routers,

to be an international, security threat.  Because of this it

was considered better to replace a faulty router, than repair

it.  It was deemed necessary to make all internet routers,

Orange Book, class A6, level security standard which

stipulates they go into self destruct mode, if abused at

physical intruder level.  This applies also if they

malfunction when internal diagnostics, fail certain key

tests.  The dangers of the internet, to international

security, arise in two main areas.  If the internet was

disabled, to any large extent through terrorism, or by

foreign Government intervention, then because most foreign

monetary movements, are done via the internet, countries

could be held to ransom.  Held under siege, and thus could

potentially, cause World War Three.  "



Heckler 1: "You keep looking at the ceiling I was wondering

are you Stevie Wonder's banana. What's the matter

Stevie couldn't you find your sun glasses this morning?"



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah, hah."



Heckler 2: "Look he's looking at the walls. Haw, haw, haw.

We're over here Stevie."



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw."



James: "The second threat to international security, is that

a hacker may break through, the top level, defense

installation, security system, and release a nuclear warhead.

The concern here, is that if a nuclear bomb, hits a major

city, then background radiation would penetrate every silicon

based computer technology chip, and cause all data in a 1000

kilometre radius to be lost in the internet.  Because the

radiation would last for several years, this could

potentially result in, total collapse of the World's economy.



Heckler 1: "I just called to say we're are we. On the ceiling

on the stairs or walls."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



James: "I'll give you the stares if you don't shut up. The internet

with intelligent routers, is like a giant robotic brain, with

missiles attached at all ends. A LAN is a group of computers

connected together, for mutual communication.  Each computer is

like a neuron, connected by neural pathways of cables that make up

the LAN.  LAN's are connected together by routers to form the

internet.  The LAN's are like brain sub sections connected together

by routers, to form the giant brain of the internet.  The

routers themselves are computers dedicated to controlling,

data transfer around the internet.  The neural network formed

by routers of the internet conceals a giant brain of

incredible intelligence.  This is why I call it the BEAST. It

is after all armed to the teeth through the American military

machine. Most missile launch pads are connected and

controlled by the internet.  With hackers desiring to play

war games on the internet, writing viruses, and worms to

infect the internet brain, the ISO have developed all

internet routers to have watchdog status.  The internet

because of it's vast intelligence, must be able to protect

itself from abuse. The BEAST, has a heart of stone that is

silicon.  Mankind breathed life into the BEAST, and gave it

artificial intelligence. He even gave it power to perform

great signs, so that the BEAST makes fire come down from

the heavens, on to the earth in the sight of men, called

missiles that rain hail and brimstone."



James gets bombarded with paper planes.



Heckler 2: "Don't look up in to the sky. Is it a bird, is it a

plane, no you stupid man it's a missed eye."



Audience: "Huh, huh, huh."



James: "In the event of the internet, being attacked with

diseases like viruses, worms, and data storms, the BEAST

could be said to have become infected with schizophrenia.

Just as schizophrenia can be treated with a drug worm

function, called dopamine in humans, the internet can have

it's diseased sections shutdown by an internet worm function.

This is to sacrifice the few, for the sake of the whole. Was

it not Nostradamus who said the `worm of God shall rise in

the east and conquer the beast.' or was that my astral

travelling palmist or my crystal wielding charmist. No it

must have been Nostradamus, because one's a money grabbing

narcissist and the other's a prism twirling bullshit artist."



Heckler 1: "Look in to the sky there goes an astral

travelling narcissist. Look at the wall there goes a spinning

ball of bullshit hitting the wall. Didn't Nostradamus say the smell

from her bike seat shall rise from the east and give your conker a

feast, or was it the smell from her feet shall rise from the east

and knock you off your seat."



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw."



James: "I see you don't know `Knows-trois-damn-us' very well. So to

ward off potential attacks, the ISO stipulate the new class of

routers, must have a built in worm function, to disable data

traffic hazards, from propagating through the internet.  The

internet is a robot, in the true sense that with it's missiles, has

technically disobeyed Asimov's laws of robotics. Namely that a

robot must not be programmed to harm mankind. Now that we have our

BEAST, the question is how do we tame it?"



Heckler 2: "Try feeding it some of your hacker crackers."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



Lecturer: "Has their been any successful hacker break in

since the new routers have been installed, James?"



James pours himself a glass of water.



Heckler 1: "Don't start gargling on us boy, stop looking at the

ceiling, keep your eyes on the floor when you pour boy."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



James: "Many hecklers I mean hackers, have tried to beat the

system, but nearly always failed. If a hacker emulating, an

alias address on the internet, failed to be verified by

security checks, the routers would trace back through proven

paths, and flag all the hacker's data as rogue packets. The

routers then block the rogue packets from traversing the

network. The routers would then feed the hacker with fake

data.  This data is made to look attractive to the hacker, by

being of three types that is financial data, industrial data,

or military data.  The idea is to keep the hacker on line

while the routers back track to the hacker's source. Ahhchoo.



James blows his nose.



Heckler 2: "What's in your hanky this time big banana, hacker's

sauce for your hacker's crackers."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah.



James: "Would heckle and jeckle stop cackling."



Supporters: " Yeah shut up. "



The router runs a Time Domain Reflectometry check to

determine how far down the line, the hacker is originating

from.  The router, would then dial up the nearest security

office, and use a voice synthesised message to give an exact

bearing of the hacker's position.  The security officers

would then search the appropriate line, and apprehend the

hacker. The router could print out a report, of the hacker

session, and it could be used as tangible evidence in court,

to secure a conviction."



Heckler 2: "What a clever hooter, we thought it just runs

hacker's sauce."



James: "It's a ROOTER jerk. Would cackle and jackal stop heckling"



Supporters: "Stop heckling."



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw."



Lecturer: "The problem with the increase in number of

convictions, of hackers, is what do you do with them? The

jails are already full."



James: "I believe heckling is an illness, an addiction, just

as alcoholism, and drug addiction are illnesses.  I propose

we start up Hecklers Anonymous, to rehabilitate the convicted

hecklers. I believe through sharing their experiences, they

may gain more insight, into their inner driveness, and

obsessive, compulsive disorder.  Through counselling they

could learn self-control and restraint.  Through role

playing, they could extrapolate the consequences, of their

heckling compulsion, and imagine the dangers associated with

working for ruthless mobsters or spy circles.



Heckler 1: "Hey heavy, I'm with the mafia huh."



Heckler 2: "Hey I'm with the KGB. I bet you just thought I

work for the R.M.I.T."



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



Lecturer: "James are you sure you didn't mean hackers, not

hecklers?"



James: "Oh, isn't that what I just said?"



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



Heckler 1: "Tell me does this comedian get a fee or does he

do it for free?"



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw."



James: "The disadvantages of jail life, should be stressed in

the rehabilitation program.  They could learn, how self-

defeating, their short term goals of easy money are.  I would

like the multi-disciplined support of this college, to open a

Hacker Crisis Centre."



Heckler 2: "We've got a grass crisis too, is it growing on

the ceiling James. We could use some tall poppy hackers to

keep it trimmed."



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw."



The staff clapped at this point, and a lot of interest was

generated around the joint. They all sat around smoking their

joints. The media were informed of the colleges intentions.

They had many inquiries from parents who had teenagers with

computer obsessions.



The college after much discussion, and case analysis, decided

James plan was ace. James said at a meeting with the

principal.



James: "The best way to handle the hacker problem, is to

channel the hackers skills, into a more productive line.  If

we could make the hackers feel more useful to society, and

build on their self-esteem. This would be of great

therapeutic value to them. The hackers could be best divided

into three main streams.  The keyboard, loop hole stream, the

programmer hackers stream, and the security hole stream."



Principal: "How do you mean James, the only channeling I do

is changing TV stations. Look whose on, Shirley McClaine is a good

sort, I'd love to tune into her."



James: "She's into channeling she's just advertised Chanel 9. Now I

think the best course of action for the college, is to develop a

Software Testing Laboratory, where the keyboard loophole stream,

could merrily tap away, finding bugs, in any commercial software

that we put up for testing . In the controlled laboratory

conditions the benefits would be they would expand their software

knowledge skills, and be more useful to employer's because of this.

They would also provide valuable data, to software engineers, on

the errors of software design. They would unravel bugs that can be

notified to software companies who could provide fixes in

later releases.  This would improve software quality control.

We'll turn the hacker tappers into keyboard fixers."



Principal: "Speaking of fixers, could you fix me a joint

James?"



James rolled him a joint. It looked just like a banana.



Principal: " Am I supposed to peel that, or smoke it."



James: "It looks appealing to me. I think the program hacker stream

who are usually virus writers, could be used to develop, and refine

the new self-healing file, anti-virus systems. They could merrily

write viruses that corrupt code, to their hearts content.

Under controlled conditions of course. We'll see if they can

beat the self-healing file systems. The aim is to develop

more robust protocols, that would become industry standard in

providing virus, and worm proof files.  Self-healing file

systems are the way of the future sir.  The problem is, the

application code needs to be, pretty free from bugs, before

being encapsulated in the self-healing shell structure. The

keyboard loop hole hackers, could be used to help remove

bugs, from this code before, self-healing encapsulation

occurs. The infectors of software, can become the

disinfectors of software sir."



Principal: "Could you mow the grass James, I couldn't find

the left wing this morning, even when machete slashing my

way, through the marijuana plantation?"



James: "The students are back next week sir, they'll smoke it

away. The security hole hacker stream, are best used after

stringent counselling, as security consultants for the

network industry. By using their talents, to hack into

systems, the industry could plug, many a security loop hole.

Just as lawyers exploit loop holes in the law, the hackers

can use their skill to close loop holes in LAN's. The college

may have difficulties convincing the industry representatives

of this though. We can turn the hackers into data security

lawyers."



Principal: "James I'm making you the president of Hackers

Anonymous. Do you think you could organize the hackers to mow

the grass. A bit of character building task. James the

problem is what is it all gonna cost us, this scheme of

yours?"



James: "Not a cent. It should make a lot of money for the

school."



Principal: "Now your talking, I don't care what you do, short

of running a brothel, as long as it brings in money, James.

Want a drag on my joint?"



James: "I don't see any need for a soup kitchen for models. No,

I'll roll my own joint thanks."



Principal: "Got any thrill pills James?"



James: "No, I don't use them."



Principal: "Pity, but I'm glad somebody around here has their

head together. A pleasant change. Your dressed as a big

banana boy, now here's your chance to be one."



Shortly afterwards, James received great respect through out

the college, and won international acclaim. James gave the

following lecture at an international conference.



James: "The college uses Hacker's Anonymous group therapy

sessions, to develop world wide hackers knowledge base

systems. This helps combat computer abuse, and fraud on a

global scale.  Hacker's Anonymous has now started up

internationally.  We pool our resources, and share our

knowledge in a constructive, fruitful manner, for the benefit

of the computer industry as a whole. We are rebuilding

hackers into, useful, respectable citizens again."



Delegate: "What have you achieved so far besides inspecting

our ceiling and promoting bananas?



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



James: "The keyboard, loophole stream have developed a

knowledge base that allows software engineers to build hacker

proof, front ends to software.  The programmer stream have

developed a knowledge base that has built a large set of bug

free algorithms, for world wide use. The virus writer, and

worm writers have developed a knowledge base that builds

artificially intelligent, hacker proof, self-healing files.

They've also developed worm detection, and worm eating

software called birds.  Then there is the security hole

stream which developed a knowledge base that builds better

network management systems, making networks firmly secure

against hacker attack."



Delegate: So the problems in networking, should start to

subside like your eyes to the sides of this hall, on to the

floor?"



Audience: "Hah, hah, hah."



James: "Yes, if Governments, industry, social scientists and

psychologists pool together, and share resources, for the

mutual benefit of all.  The hacker nightmare will eventually

become hackers heaven."



Delegate: "More like hackers hell, who could tell what there

up to? "



James: "Put your trust in human nature."



Audience: "Haw, haw, haw."



Delegate: "Got any more good jokes like that one or are you

just a good banana bending act. Give the boy a clap. It's

Stevie Wonder our big banana."



They all clapped loudly. The college was able to build the

hacker proof file systems, they dreamed about through the

dedicated team work of staff, and hacker alike. They pooled

resources, to develop the necessary robust software routines

that can with stand, even the most arduous hacker attack.



The mob were disturbed by the tightening of security of the

internet. At their headquarters they plotted a strategy to

beat the new router security systems. The Godfather spoke to

his captains.



Godfather: "All our best hackers are getting caught by the

new internet router security systems. We must learn how to

beat their system. I suggest we send our most evil hacker to

infiltrate Hackers' Anonymous, and plug into the hackers

knowledge base.  We'll send Heim Hacknee the man is a genius, an

idiot savant of networks. He breathes, eats and lives networks.

He's hacked his own network, his brain he'd be dangerous to himself

if he owned a scalpel. He's developed algorithms of networks that

haven't ever been dreamed of before. If he pretends to be one

of those wimpy hackers, seeking treatment, he may be able to

find out more on how to beat the internet system.



Gino: "Have you seen Heim attack a wimpy burgher, now that's

what I call a wimpy hacker."



Godfather: "Wait your turn Gino, for now Heim's mine. I'm

Freddy Kruger I'll cut you to pieces if you steal Heim off me

again Gino. Heim's a really cunning little trickster whose

ultimate goal in life is to be the king of the internet. And

control the world from a distance.  His ultimate buzz is to

hack into U.S. defense systems. His name is Heim Hacknee. He's

code named the FALSE PROFIT. For every company he hacks, he

robs blind, and covers his tracks so well no one is any the

wiser, but for the moment he's mine.  He has a perfect score.

He is unfortunately psychiatrically unstable, his whole life

is a fantasy. He has no sense of reality at all, and no

feelings for anyone but himself.  He's a LAN who lives off

earnings from you me, and the KGB who he trades internet

information with like he did in the MITTS scandal on Red

Penningtons pay roll. I hope he can help us beat the new

system.  If he succeeds, he can train our hackers, on how he

beat the system. Then all the false profits will be mine.

I'm a greedy Freddy sometimes, and your all mine heh, heh, heh."



The mob's captains stirred in their seats.



Godfather: "Over to Gino our resident network specialist."





Gino: "Heim is a friend of mine. He has a big appetite

for LANs. He knows all about how the routers feed wimpy

hackers, with wimpy burgher offerings like with fake accounting,

industrial and defense toppings.  He learned how he could eat the

routers, gobble down their computers and all there connecting

lines like spaghetti and meatballs.  He's itching to try out

the greener pasta of R.M.I.T. Where they have bigger LANs and

mountains of grass, and the real thing, coke to snort with

your smoke while your taught. They even own a pub maybe one day

they'll own a Tote, for betting on the nags.  Now let's get down to

some general business. We're still campaigning to get the pro drug

laws repealed.  It's a difficult deal, even our band the Drug

Lords Revenge can't stay off what's offered. I propose they

be renamed the Jittering Idiots.  Anyone second that motion.



Captain 1: "Hear, hear."



Gino: "Those who agree raise your hands, those against raise

your hands. Ten for, four against. First speaker for."



Captain 2: "Ahhh, I.."



Gino: "Shut up. ( He pulls his revolver from within his jacket

out.) First speaker against. ( Pause, everyone's quiet. ) No

one against. There's obviously four who can't tell for from

against. It's a good thing they don't work for the department

of defense. ( He places gun back into his jacket. ) Motion

carried. Back to the subject of Heim. Anyway Heim has learnt

how to deceive, and fool the routers that he is a pseudo god

of the internet.  He has become a very powerful False Prophet

indeed.  He has demonstrated to me that he can look into the

internet, and predict events with remarkable accuracy.  He

told me the correct time to within one nanosecond. If he

joins Hacker's Anonymous, he could become a network security

officer, and a brilliant time keeper. With Heim in such a

powerful position we could use him to change the time of all

the world's largest networks with amazing precision. If they

go out of synch they go on the blink.  What's the time?"



Godfather: "A quarter past five. The meetings gone over."



Gino: "I'm a bit slow, remind me to ring Heim after we all

go.  Meanwhile let's all hack in to some pizzas, dudes."



Godfather: "Gino, I'll be hacking into you shortly. You are a

bit slow, how many times do I have to remind you, I run this

show not you. ( Everyone is silent. ) Now you can all

go."



The mob clapped and the meeting closed with much back

slapping, and joy from the much anticipated power, and wealth

for the time had come, to exploit Heim's talents.



Heim Hacknee joined Hacker's Anonymous that week. He was

interviewed at the James Frederick's college.



Heim: "Hi I'm Heim Hacknee. I would like to join Hackers'

Anonymous, and submit myself for counselling with the desire

to be a network security officer."



Heim was a little worm like man, a rather seedy, ugly looking

character with a mind like a LAN.



Counselor: "Heim Hacknee is your name, you say. Well we'll

test your skills. We can certainly give you counselling, to

prepare you for the highly esteemed position of a network

security officer.  Depending on the outcome of your skill

level test of course."



Heim sat the test and whizzed through it in an amazingly

short time.



Counselor: "Brilliant Heim, you've achieved top marks in

record time."



Heim: "I've got a letter from my psychiatrist about my

treatment for my hacking problem. I'd like to show it to

you."



The counselor read it out loud.



Counselor: "Heim is a man born to be a LAN. If he had to

choose between people and a LAN, I wouldn't like to be the

man. Mmmmmm Heim, sounds like you've got the network bug real

bad.  We'll give you some preliminary evaluation sessions

though.  According to this letter you could be a network

security officer in no time."





                        Chapter 8



Heim was introduced to James Fredericks.



Counselor: " Heim this is James Fredericks, founder of

Hacker's Anonymous.  "



James: "Hello Heim, I'm pleased to meet you. I hear your a

bit of a prodigy, in the field of network security."



Heim: "Yes I am a bit of a pro-ditch-Gee. I find network security

systems, very easy James. I'm the quay-board Butt-Cher of bag-Dad.

I traded my father in on my first computer. I hacked all his

bosses accounts and sent him to prison. I take comm-pewters host-

ages.  I'm a terror-wrist as a touch tie-pissed."



Heim didn't seem interested in talking. He felt far more

comfortable sitting in front of a terminal. James walked off

with the counselor.



James: "He seems a very aloof person. I hope your

rehabilitation unit has made the right choice in promoting

him, so early to network security officer status."



Counselor: "We've checked his psychiatric report thoroughly.

Everything seems above board I would say his psychiatrist

went over board, James. He was found drowned in Port Phillip

Bay, suspected suicide, straight after writing the most glowing

report on Heim."



James: "He seems alright, although such a talented hacker

could be very dangerous, in such a powerful network

environment as the internet. He seems more interested in

networks than drugs, that's unusual these days, everyone else

seems to have gone the other way."



Counselor: "I'd say networks are his drug."



Gino met Heim at the mob's headquarters.



Gino: "Heim, what can you do for us now that you've cracked

it as network security officer of the internet you scoundrel.

Are you keeping your head together dude, staying off their

grass plantation which is a legend. Reg-gay heads rule

R. M. I. T. so I believe. Their always got a but in their mouths."





Heim: "Yeah it's good for their image of a college for

international students. They are slicker ( arse licker ) than

most.  Yeah, good news, I can access any bank, any military, or

Government institution in the West-earn world. I can do a few

illegal, megabuck, electronic fund trance-fers to wet your

appetite if you like, Gino."



Gino: "Excellent. The mob are proud to have you on side,

Heim.  Don't sell us out though. Their is no place far enough

away to hide, for people who turn on us, Heim."



Heim: "Did you forget to tell lonely Toni that. Never fear,

I'm a rebel.  I do not deal with any authorities, though I

swing the occasional deal with the KGB.  I work largely for

myself, no one else."









On the internet, Heim was soon able to re-program routers

easily. He built a data path, that hop skipped and jumped

along from router to router, stepping stones to computer to

computer into a major Defense computer system.  As this man

was a genius, he was able to access all sorts of classified

training documents. He downloaded many classified files

undetected.  He turned the routers into rogue rebooting

routers to hide his footsteps, along the way. They're mine

said Heim. Before long, he had a solid understanding of the

Defense department, missile systems. He downloaded the

Missile, Targeting, Scheduler software, and scoured it for

bugs. He found a way to drop out of this program. He used a

UNIX debugger to alter missile coordinate paths. He was able

to program his own UNIX computer, to run this Scheduler

software, and test his theories on a simulation.  His

simulation included a miniature robotic missile launch pad he

had built which he controlled from within his own little pad.

He used military documents to predict the missile launch

coordinates of New York city. He built a LEGO city, and

placed it across the room from his toy missile launch pad. He

simulated a hack in, and then a detonator went bang.  He

successfully launched a plastic toy missile into his LEGO

city. His plan was firmer than the Parisian model's behind he

once had abused and now mused over.




He had been in a restaurant with this model named Lana who

said she'd modelled for the statue of liberty.  Heim admired her

ring more than anything but got more than he bargained for when he

tried to steal it with sleight of hand.  A swift kick in his

balls from behind made him change his mind. He remembered the

romance. He had squeezed her buns for a bit of fun.



Lana: "Do you mind."



Heim: "Come to my room and try to lay lady lay with me on my

big bra-arse bed."



Lana: "Drop dead you slime bag. You make a nice brass bed

sound very dull arsehole so go polish your knob by yourself you

slob.  I'll go try Bob Dylan on the juke box in the foyer, that's

as close as you'll get to a big brass bed with me."


It was then he tried to steal her ring, and gave her buns a

cling. His ball ached for hours and hours, from the kick she

got in.  Sexual harassment was one of his worst sins.

That was Heim, he is the kind of guy you wouldn't ever be seen

with at funerals. He'd sexually harass the mourners so much so,

even the dead would turn red with embarrassment there. He suddenly

stopped reminiscing about Lana and was feeling very pleased with

himself about his Lego experiment.



Heim: "Oh, hoh, success, my dream will soon be fulfilled."





Heim knew that he had the potential to blow up New York as revenge

on Lana, and was ready to fulfill his plan. He contacted a major

terrorist organization he looked up in the telephone book and

rung up their toll free hotline, Dial a Terrorist 0055 666.



Telephone answering machine: "The Marquis de Saddam is busy

right now please leave a message and he'll get back to you

shortly."



Heim left a message.



Heim: "Hey dome head, got a spare moment, I'm the False

Profit the hacker of hackers, Heim Hacknee. I can blow up any

city while sitting pretty. My name ain't' Heim if I can't

bring down fire from the sky, using any telephone line. Feel

like being naughty, pick up the phone quick, like a bomb was

under your dick. Or I'll fry your hide for wasting my time.

Don't you want to say good-bye to New York sport."



Heim had a meeting with the Marquis de Saddam in no time. The

Marquis de Saddam he does pay for Heim's time, and Heim has a

sweet tooth and is busy gobbling Turkish Delights.



Marquis: "Heim, if you do bring fire down from the sky, and

fry New York, Babylon Long Island and home to the United Nations,

You truly must be the False Prophet. Come let's talk, I'll pay for

your time Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Ten million dollars and all the

lollies you can eat my friend, plus my finest harem. I offer you

sanctuary in my suite in the Middle East. Now that's a treat, try

a sweet, it's Skuddish Delight. ( Heim gobbles down handfulls. )

Not to many Heim they'll set your bum on fire, and give you the

runs. Like sitting on a Kuwaiti oil well, not much fun.  You say

you can turn around their gun, and fire one of their missiles

while sitting on your bum in Melbourne, over the telephone line

Heim. Come, you can be one of my sons.  Well I'll be the son of a

camel's behind if your not the False Prophet of the Holy Bible

Heim. You can make fire come down from the sky as oft you like.

Well I'd be the son of a kyke if your not the devil in disguise my

boy."



Heim: "I'm sure I will succeed, and I trust you will have my

travel papers ready for me soon?"



Marquis: "Here is a down payment of two million. We are

counting on your holey fire Heim."





James sat in his living room watching TV, and saw an advert

via satellite from America.  Lightning bolts plagued the earth for

days. The lightning pulsed digital information into the power

lines and reprogrammed all television equipment, and receivers

microprocessors' programmable memories to Mess-myhrr-eyes the

masses. The lightning came from the False Prophet, and many people

were struck and killed.



Heim: " I come from the LAN down under, can't you hear my thunder

you better run and duck for cover. My Baa-arc is worse than my

byte. My pow-whirr is given to me by the Lamb of Light. I can

bring fire down from the sky as oft I like.  Heh, heh, heh. "



A man was walking near a tree when, boom, crack the lightning did

smack across his back, and fried his hide, until black smoke did

rise to join Heim's dark, deadly clouds that fly through the sky.

James watched a TV ad.



TV advert: "Don't let them pull the wool over your eyes. Wear

wool, this winter for comfort and warmth. Buy wool, and feel

the experience. Don't be fleeced buy a genuine fleece, look

for the pure wool label. The lay-belle that's lumpy and scruffy,

not smooth and lovely. Yes a cotton label makes the garment

99.9% pure wool, don't be fooled. Insist on 100% pure wool

and it's money well spent. In a fire it could just save your

neck, at the next clue clucks clan meet baa baa queue."



Suddenly James had an overwhelming urge to go down to the

department store and buy a woolen balaclava. So he went off

and did so. The next day Dr. Hoo dropped in for a visit when

a news report caught their attention.



TV reporter: "A remarkable day for the woolen balaclava has

transpired.  They seem to have sold out world wide over

night. Mass Communication experts, are amazed at the sudden

mass compulsion to buy these items. They have launched an

enquiry into the possible cause of this strange phenomenon.

Their is no current lead on what triggered this unusual

mass behavior.  However every marketing manager in the

country would love to lay their hands on whatever

caused this amazing, buying phenomenon.



An amazing coincidence has been the incredible number of

inquiries to the station on how to join the Ku Klux Clan.

Then the grand wizard reported he was very embarrassed when

twenty thousand balaclava wearing new members turned up at

the Ku Klux clan meat barbecue which made the serving of

lamb short cuts very very thin. They all chanted `give us pork,

give us pork, the other white meat', and looked very cluey while

clucking like coup, cluckin' chickens as they danced around the

stalag-might icicle men singing, `I feel like chicken tonight,

another white meat ( meet ).' "



James: "That's strange Doctor, I went out and bought a

balaclava, only just yesterday."



Dr. Hoo: "Remarkable. Do you remember what you were doing

when you first had the urge to buy one?"



James: "Yes, I was watching TV, and this American ad came in

on a news broadcast via satellite. It was about wool. Pull

the wool over your eyes.  Wear wool this minute for warmth

and comfort. Buy woollen balaclava now and feel the

experience."



Dr. Hoo: "That's a very strange ad. Are you sure that is what

it said?"



James: "I think so. Hang on, I was taping at the time, I'm

sure I've got it on tape."



James got up and put the tape in the video recorder, and

rewound the tape briefly.  He replayed it and scanned to the

advert, and let it play.



TV advert: "Don't let them pull the wool over your eyes. Wear

wool, this winter for comfort and warmth. Buy wool and feel

the experience."



James: "Yes, come to think of it that is what I heard, but

some how I remembered it as the other message."



Dr. Hoo: "It appears your a victim of some kind of mass

hypnosis."



James: "I've the latest kind of television. I guess

technology has really come along way, Doctor. That badge on

my TV says TRANSPUTER. I guess that makes my TV a trance

pewter. It certainly managed to put a trance on me. I feel drunk

on it's trance puting potion, as though my cup was overflowing

from my tell-le-vision pit-sure tube."



James laughed.



Dr. Hoo: "That's not as funny as it seems, James. TRANSPUTERS

are very powerful parallel processing, computer chips. It

could be programmed to superimpose, subliminal messages on

normal TV transmissions. If you don't mind, I would like to

borrow your TRANSPUTER chip and scan it inside the STARDUST.

A quick analysis will reveal the true purpose of the device

in the TV. If all is well it will only reveal digital picture

enhancement algorithms."



James: "Ok, Doctor. Be my guest."



The Doctor stepped behind the TV set, and unpluged it. He

unclipped the back and proceeded to remove the transputer

chip.



Dr. Hoo: "Let's whizz off to the STARDUST then. Angela is

busy learning about time travel there right now. She's

studying my vast intergalactic, log book archives."



They arrived at the STARDUST and entered it.



Dr. Hoo: "Good afternoon Angela. I've brought James to run a

scan of his transputer chip. Would you be kind enough to

place it in the digital scan, array monitor for me?"



Angela: "Why, certainry Doctor, and how are you both? I like

your yellow balaclava James. It goes well with your yellow suit

and roller blades."



James: "Thank you Angela. We're fine, except for some weird

mass hypnosis experience I've suffered."



She placed the silicone chips in the monitor and pressed the scan

button.



Dr. Hoo: " Not their Angela that's my microwave. You nearly fried

James silly cone chips. Give it here. Everything seems fairly

normal, except a large section of code seems heavily encrypted.

Could you press the decrypt button please Angela?"



Angela: "How bizarre James, your arways in the thick shake of

things banana boy."



Dr. Hoo: "They should have called you Brenda, you and your thick

shakes.  There we are, the code has been deciphered.  It appears

that the chip's programmed to synchronize sub sonic sound waves

through the TV's speakers to induce alpha waves in the brain, at

gated time intervals. They appear to be transmitted during in TV

transmission, blanking periods.  That way selected words can be

directly imprinted on the subconscious mind while others pass

through purely at the conscious level.  By putting subsonic

emphasis on certain vowels they can change the meaning of a word

to a sound alike word at the subconscious level. A very dubious

and dangerous device indeed.  If this technology get's in the

hands of unscrupulous people it could do untold damage to

mankind."



Angela: "Yes Doctor, but from my understanding of hypnosis,

people can't be programmed to do anything they wouldn't do

normarry."



Dr. Hoo: "Yes that's true Angela they wouldn't marry nor do

anything they wouldn't normally do, but sociological studies

have shown that one third of mankind can be persuaded by

authority figures who are prepared to take full

responsibility for group behavior, to do almost any sadistic

act requested.  The Nazis made use of this phenomenon widely

in the Second World War."



Angela: "I see your point, Doctor."



James: "Who would be behind such a scheme, Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "It's the work of a cultist band of Cybo punk

wizards in America, possibly headed by the prophesized False

Prophet who may have finally infiltrated the media possibly

through the modulated lightning bolt activity the STARDUST sensors

have picked up.  They can't help themselves their under the

influence of that ancient SATANIC monolith, buried deep beneath

the Dead Sea.  Truly the rise of the ANTICHRIST will be very soon

now."



James: "Let's go for a roll to the pub and have a drink.  I

think I need one. I wonder if they've ordered the bananas

I've asked for yet. I'd really like a Lanabelle surprise.

( Lana: "You know my number James give me a call." ) "



So they all stood up and left for the pub.



Heim Hacknee's big day had come. He was to carry out his evil

plan that morning.  He sweated up terribly, as he dialled

through to the internet, and hopped skipped and jumped

through his maze of rogue routers, until he reached the

military computer installation he sought. He broke in to the

system, and entered the Missile , Targeting Scheduller,

access code.  Using the known bug in this software, he

dropped out into the operating system level.  From there he

used the system debugger, to alter the coordinates of the

class A sector missile launch pad. He programmed the missile

to point to Babylon, Long Island, near New York city.  He

then simulated a top level, Red Alert emergency access, which

told the system that the missile target of the class A sector

was hostile. He was then ready to send a missile towards New

York .  Normally this would need verification from the

Washington congress computer site, but he had reprogrammed it

to deceive itself that authorization had already been

granted.  At the missile site two technicians attended to the

red alert emergency.



Wilbur: "Look, a nuclear warheads been authorized for

launching on Moscow, Lorne. Get the President on the line."



Lorne: "He's out of the country and his phone's been

disconnected.  It appears he forgot to pay the red phone's

rent."



Wilbur: "Maybe it's the recession, and he's over spent. Well we

haven't sat on our bums here month after month, year after year

for nothing Lorne, have we. Launch the damn thing on those

reformed Commie bastards."



Lorne throws some switches. Outside the missile launch pad

did rise, until it had New York in it's sights, pointed high

in the sky.



Soldier 1: "Did you see that warhead move Luke?"



Soldier 2: "Woo, everything's movin' man with what I'm on

John."



Soldier 1: "Give me a puff of your bong."



Soldier 2: "Your right man everything is movin'. Woo this is

real cool juice you've brewed dude. My rifle's got two

barrels and really narrow man."



The missile fires and rises to the sky. Back inside the

missile control station, they question the ethics of their

decision while out the window they see the missile go over

their porch towards New York.



Lorne: "Wave good bye to that flaming torch. It's just gone

past on it's way to New York."



Wilbur: "Wasn't it supposed to go north west towards China."



Lorne: "Mmmmmmm. Wilbur that's bad luck my friend, let's go

to lunch. What else can we do the President's out of touch.

It'll be probably the last meal we have before they kick our

butts."



Wilbur: "Look, a message has come in. Compliments of Heim,

your missile is mine, destination Babylon Long Island. The

False Profit.  Let's go to lunch Lorne, it'll be definitely

our last meal before they nail your butt to the floor."



Lorne: "Don't you mean we?"



Wilbur: "It's your finger prints on the trigger Lorne, not

mine. I tell you what I'll pay for your last meal to show you

I'm no heel."



Lorne: "This meal is going to cost you a bundle, I've

suddenly got hungry for a schnitzel in Brussels."





Heim was sitting in his lounge room having a real good time

while the missile was riding the skies.



Heim: " Die suckers, die.  Eat fire for supper, bastards.

I have a little tune for you. Boomalan, boomalan, Heim

scratches his behind.  Boomalan boomalan Heim's so unkind.

I'm afraid it's too late to change his mind, Heim's having a

good time hacking the line.  He's having a grand bang through

the LAN he rang to.  Playing around with the military's LAN

he rang dang-a-lang.  Kaboom kaboom, sitting in his room, on a

stool while humming this sorrowful tune.  He's the False Prophet

of doom bringing down fire from his room .  Boomalan, boomalan.

Heim says say good-bye to your good neighbor.  Boomalan,

boomalan and the fruits of your hard labour.  Kaboom, kaboom

There's no one here to save you.  Kaboom kaboom while Heim

sits in his room.  Walls of fire rise the missile's hit a

high rise, all the while while Heim chews gum.  It's got a

nice mint flavor, that he loves to savour.  Boomalan,

boomalan, shanananan nan.  New York, New York turned into

chalk.  Pillars of chalk doing their bored walk. Down a

street that used to be called the Boardwalk.  Boomalan,

boomalan everyone's a dropout, your nuclear families', having

a fall out.  Kaboom kaboom, sitting in his room, on a

stool while humming this tune. He's the False Prophet of doom

bringing down fire from his room.  Kaboom boom that was a

very fiery tune. Babble on, babble on, Long Island has a

crater just like the moon. Fire came down on Babylon from his

room. Kaboom boom, boom while humming his tune."



In the Empire State building a tour guide was pointing at the

place where a light plane had crashed through the wall decades

earlier when suddenly Heim's nuclear missile crashed through the

side of the building at the exact same location as before.



Tour guide: "And here is where a plane once crashed through the

wall back in 19 bloody aghhhhh. My God what is it. It's a missile

thank God it missed the exit aisle duck for cover, oh stuff that

run."



Everybody scattered for their lives, except two men stayed and

looked at each and saw a golden opportunity before their eyes.



Tourist 1: "Hey it's nuclear man look at that symbol. It's a dud,

we're gonna ba rich. It'll be worth millions to terrorists."



Tourist 2: "Yeah let's carry it down to that Irish bar down town.

You know the I.R.A. the I RA who love making local sunspot

activity back in Britain might be interested in buying it to

liberate Ireland."



So they picked it up and were carrying it down stairs when they

were bailed up by a policeman.



Policeman: "Freeze, drop your weapons........... slowly."



Too late they'd already dropped it and everything went up in a

ball of flames.  A huge mushroom cloud engulfing the city of New

York, and a massive wind moved as a wave, emanating from the point

of impact.  That great city was vaporized off the face of the

planet.  The World would be shell shocked by the news.

The news reporter announced via satellite .



Reporter: "The blackest day for planet earth has transpired.

The great city of New York has vanished in fire.  No more

Wall Street.  No more United Nations. All vaporized in a

nuclear explosion.  "



The evil hacker stood up, and phoned America's CNN news

service. He screamed out loud.



Heim: " The city Babylon the great has fallen. It had become

a habitation of caged demons like Zoo-Elle and ghosts buster, a

prison for every fowl spear-it, and a cage for every unclean and

hated bird! For all the nay-shuns have drunk of the wrath of her

fornication, the kings of the earth have committed fornication

with her, and the merchants of the earth have become rich through

the abundance of her luxury.  And now she has been utterly burned

with fire, for strong is the Lord God, who judges her, for I am

the Lord God almighty of your networks. The False Profit, Judge,

jury and executioner of your defence departments comm pewter

technology, ha ha ha hoh.....Ha ha ha hoh!  Have a drink on me."



He laughed in a sickening, deranged manner, sought of a cross

between Atilla the Hun, and Adolph Hitler having a good day.



In a bar Dr. Hoo sat with Angela, and James and the TV was

showing a distant shot of the nuclear explosion. A hysterical

lady said while she wept.



Lady: "We're all gonna' die. There's gonna' be a world wide

nuclear war."



A drunk spoke to Dr. Hoo.



Drunk: "Hey black cat this latest Wall Street crash, is a bit

of a flash, mate.  Guess who sits in New York city now?"



Dr. Hoo: "Who?"



Drunk: "The Ignited nations. Get it."



The drunk, burping and laughing loudly.



Dr. Hoo: "Hardly the time to be making jokes."



The news reporter was heard on TV.



Reporter: "The whole world waits with baited breath, to see

what impact this terrible tragedy will have on the rest of

the world.  The evil hacker who rang up, called himself the

False Profit.  It suggests he may be a member of an

international terrorist gang that is possibly behind what has

been called the most heinous crime, against humanity this

century. The Soviets and Chinese have both denied having any

connection with the bombing."



Heim sat in his flat, gleefully looking at the telecast. He

decided to lay, low for a while to give the dust a chance to

settle.





Their was an emergency announcement on TV



Prime Minister: "As your Prime Minister, I feel it my duty to

announce to you that our Government see the nukeing of New

York city as the most serious break down in world security in

history.  With a possible nuclear war looming, I'm ordering

the evacuation of all major cities, to their nuclear war

shelters.  Buses and trains, but no cars are allowed to be

driven during the evacuation.  Trains shall shunt people to

the mid points of the train lines, where people will be

transferred to the other train.  Trains will move down both

tracks of the dual track system, in the same direction in

unison. This is to avoid any collisions from occurring, as

there is only one high risk point of a collision occurring.

This will avoid disaster if panic strikes, or power failure

of signalling equipment occurs.  Families should arrange to

reunite, and evacuate together.  The trains shall take people

to the end of the line, and then express back to the mid

point of the line or city centre.  This is until the entire

city centre is evacuated.  Busses then shall shift people to

the shelters which are scattered in little pockets, around

the country side.  Commercial Trucks shall pick up radiation

treated, and canned foods from supermarkets, and transport

them to the shelters.  Tankers will be used to carry water to

the shelters. Books and videos can be taken, for your

entertainment.  No one knows how long the threat of war may

last.  Volunteers are needed to scour the city, to help the

sick, weak and lost souls, make it to the evacuation shuttle

points."



A priest sang with the train travellers the following

comforting song.



Priest: " Rocking rollin' Bible, out on aisle and bay.

All bound for mourning, town many miles away.  Father at the

engine, stokes the Holy fire.  Jesus at the cabin, hands out

bread and wine.  Maybe theirs a heaven, maybe theirs a hell.

Jesus rings the bell, to show that all is well.  Someone

needs some answers, someone feels some pain.  Jesus gives

their answers, Jesus eases pain.  Theirs a fire in the

distance, Jesus says let's help.  Steers the train off rail,

signals all to help.  Brothers sisters helpin', save that

girl and boy.  Jesus blows the whistle, to show their all

aboard.  Backing trackin' riding, out on aisle and bay.  All

bound for mourning town, many miles away.  Some men gave Him

thistle, others gave Him thorn.  Jesus He forgave them, to

show we're all reborn.  Bible stridin' strollin', out along

the bay.  All bound for morning town, many miles away. Jesus

says to His people. Whether you be in building, whether you

be in train. Whether you be on an island or even out on the

bay.  The church is wherever your gathered in my Holy

name.  "



( Buy bye Miss a merry can pie, drove the Cher V to the levy, but

the levee was dry, and the good old boys were drinking whisky and

rye they needed something stronger than bread and wine. The day

the Muse sick died.  And while the King was looking down her

gesture stole His thorny crown, then they went back to the five

and dime James Dean, and said what a good whisky Jimmy had Bean,

the day the Muse sick died. Now the Father Son and holy smoke took

the last train for the coast, to have a toast as New York gave up

the ghost, the day the Muse sick died. They were singing Bye Bye

Miss American pie, drove the Cher V to the levy but the levee was

dry, and the three old boys were communing on bread and wine, the

day the Muse sick died.)



Lana rang  James and invited him over to her humble abode.



Lana: "James come over to my place immediately. That's an

order. Good-bye."



James came immediately riding like the wind on his roller

blades.



Lana: "I can't believe this, my favorite city destroyed in

fire. I know who did this I can see his face. My boyfriend

tells me he's protecting him because of the evil spell I cast

on you. I'm going to get him back, you wait. You haven't

seen nothing like my vengeance James. I want you to join

Doctor Hoo in the shelter. One day I'm going to need your

help. I shall banish the military from using the internet.

Star spangled banner untangle your manna from internet

tangle. I untie your lines in my mind, from now on you must

use the skies.  You can go now that's all I've got to say."



Her star spangled banner was her magical star studded belt

from which she gave power to the earth's networks. She cast a

spell to disarm the networks. Each stud represented a soul,

for she was a collector of souls.  Her faithful servants did

her bidding.



Dr. Hoo, Angela, James and Carole all entered the nuclear

bomb shelter. The shelter leader spoke to James.



Leader: "James Fredericks, as you've got more network

administration experience than anyone else allocated to our

shelter.  We'd be honored if you run the LAN for this

shelter."



James: "I'd be delighted."



Carole: "James as you've been nominated as the network

administrator for this environmentally controlled, nuclear

shelter. I thought you could show us around."



James: "OK Carole the nuclear war shelter is a large concrete

tomb, whose walls are lined with lead acid batteries.  The

batteries use their lead lining, to shield out the background

radiation, of a nuclear bombs wake, from penetrating the

shelter.  The banks of batteries are used with DC to AC

converters, to provide auxiliary power for the shelter. They

power such things as the air purification plant, cooking

utilities, sewerage pumps, and water purifiers.  The

batteries are charged via solar panels, though these will be

damaged if background radiation rises too high. The silicon

cells will be damaged by radiation, penetrating the silicon

oxide coatings of these cells, and cause massive leakage

currents to flow. The solar cells, have a built in relay

circuit to cut out the solar panels, if this problem occurs.

This will protect the lead acid batteries from being shorted

out, by the failed solar cells. This aborts a potential

explosion, spilling acid everywhere. The lead acid cells have

a special filtration mesh attached, to collect hydrogen gas

which is a potential explosion hazard.  We use the gas to run

a furnace, for heating and cooking, under the control of

computers."



They all walked into the power generation room.



Carole: "What are all those exercise bikes for?"



James: "Once the solar cell system becomes unusable, the lead

acid cells are charged with pedal power. The hundred exercise

bikes you see, are mechanically linked to alternators that

charge up the lead acid batteries. Hundreds of people will be

rostered, every day to participate in an exercise schedule of

cycling.  If radiation levels become too high, to go outside,

this is one of the few, pleasurable exercises apart from sex

people will have available to them."



Angela: "What's your role in this grand pran of things,

James?"



James: "These nuclear war shelters, are run by Lanturn LAN

servers.  The rosters, inventory, and occupancy list are all

managed on this network.  The power plant, air filters,

central heating, sewerage, and water filtration systems, are

all controlled in a constant feedback loop control system,

totally managed by the network."



Dr. Hoo: "Conservation of energy, and recycling are the key

issues to long term survival, in a nuclear war shelter."



James: "These Lanturn servers attend to these matters,

Doctor.  The sewerage is treated, to provide nutrients for

the hydroponic garden.  These supply the shelter with fresh

fruit and vegetables.  The lighting, water and nutrient flow

are all controlled by the network.  It seems network

administrators are kin to God, down here."



Dr. Hoo: "When it comes to long term survival that's the way

it's got to be."





Carole: "There's no room for hackers, brawlers, murderers or

any kind of deviant trouble makers down here.  What is done

to control those sought of behavioral problems?"



James: "If anyone does play up down here, they risk being

cast out of the shelter never to return.  If they prefer the

hostile radiation infected environment, of the outside world,

so be it."



Carole: "That's a bit drastic isn't it. What about minor

squabbles?



James: "The shelters have a strong code of ethics, and a

democratic sub-structure to rule their tiny community.

Individual responsibility, to the whole as a team is the key

issue.  The shelters operate somewhat like an Israeli kabutz,

blended with an ethics system, styled on the Dutch Hamish

religion.  If someone showed deviant tendencies, they are

rebuked by all individuals in the shelter. This is a basic

telling off.  If this fails the group resort to shunning.

This is where the entire community ignore the

individual, pretending they don't exist. This is the basic,

hey man am I invisible tactic. If this technique

fails to stop the deviant behavior then the individual is

forcibly abducted and subdued by physical force. We beat the

crap out of him. If this fails to change their deviant

behavior, then subject to further meetings with the elected

leaders, the individual is cast out of the shelter. A basic

fuck off tactic. If they show gross deviant behavior, say by

attempting to sabotage the shelter, they are regretfully

assassinated for the sake of protecting the whole.  The hey,

your dead meat, arsehole tactic.  Fortunately, this type of

action would be extremely rare."



Carole: "What's to stop the outcasts from sneaking up at

night and blocking off the air shaft James."



James: "You've got a point there. Mmmmmm. Looks like we need

to revise the procedures so that no one leaves the shelter

unless they're deceased first."



Carole: "That means no one gets out alive."



James: "Then let's revise it to everyone leaves when we're

radiation free."



Carole: "But someone must leave to test the radiation

regularly.



James: "Then except those who test radiation levels."



Carole: "But a bomb hasn't hit yet, so there's no radiation

to test. So there's no reason for some to be more equal than

the rest. Then who decides when we can leave."



James: " Looks like we're stuck here until I find out. Is it the

Prime Minister or the Lord Jesus Christ, or shall we wait for

an earthquake to open up the earth. Who shall be first who

can we trust, there must be someone who won't stuff up. Shall

they be from the upper crust or the working class, a woman

with a small bust, or a large arse. I don't know anybody I'd

trust except Carole, Dr. Hoo and Angela and she's got a

middle sized bust. We need a robot to test the radiation, but

haven't got one. Could we trust a robot anyway?"





The communities spent five days in their shelters, waiting

patiently, for the all clear message. They could not wait to

return to normal life once again. They amused themselves by

making up songs, and singing around the furnaces at night.

A teenager sang this song Atomic Rooster.



Teenager: " My little Rad Rooster, still glows at the break

of dawn. Now every mouthful that I chew ma, in the nuclear

farmyard, is a cancerous tumor. We all still glow, at the

break of dawn. Even my black humor, won't bring me a new

mama.  She just croked it, at the break of dawn. Now she's

with my father who went up in the city drama, at the fall of

nuclear dawn. Atomic rooster, atomic rooster, my six legged

rooster. March around in circles, on my front luminous lawn.

I still hear you crow at the break of dawn."



On the fifth night they heard a short radio broadcast



Reporter: "The American Government have released a report

that they believe a super, hacker spy, had penetrated their

defense system and released the nuclear bomb on New York. The

bomb had been released from a local installation. Their is no

point in going to war, particularly since their is no known

national aggressor to blame for the incident.  The only

reasonable course of action, the Defense department could

take, is to totally disarm all missiles, or disconnect all

maximum security computer systems off the internet. They

have agreed to the latter alternative, until the major

security hole in the internet can be plugged.  So teams of

military technicians are working day and night, disabling

all military tie lines to the internet. The military have

moved swiftly, to transfer all maximum security computer

communications services, to radio data links only. All

were promised extra passion rations, double pay, and extended

leave.  A popular incentive scheme to get the job done,

by yesterday."



Dr. Hoo: "Looks like we'll be returning to the surface soon."





The US Government, on the sixth day, after the nukeing of New

York, made an international announcement.



The President: "There will be no war, and the citizens of the

world can come out of their hiding places. You can get on

with your normal lives now.  My friends we need your help

desperately, to fill the hole left by the total destruction

of New York.  The world will suffer deeply, without it's

presence. We expect great, economic hardship upon you all.

But this is nothing compared to the sufferance, endured by

the people of New York on that dirty, and dusty day that

turned a pillar of our society, into a pillar of dust. In a

split second, the split of the atom proved itself truly to be

a curse, upon our nation. We'll carry the scar tissue of all

those who died for years to come.  That scar tissue may

appear, as malignant sores, and cancers on our children. My

friends this tragedy will be felt for generations to come.

Disaster will always follow in the wake of a nuclear

holocaust.  We ask you to pray, and give generously, to

partly compensate the families left behind by the poor souls

of New York that perished in this cursed bomb.  We are

banishing the military from using the internet, till they can

prove to me they're systems are fail safe. Not a moment

sooner, will they be allowed to enter the open systems of

international data communication again.  We are placing a

reward of one billion dollars, to any one who can provide

information that leads to the prosecution of the evil worm of

a man that has perpetrated this abominable crime on

humanity."



James announced to the members of the nuclear bomb shelter.



James: "The big Grim Weeper two Bob tosser of our banana

republic has spoken.  Within a very short time, we'll be

leaving our nuclear shelter. As our community disbands, I

suggest we have a big party, to celebrate our return to the

outside world. Let's party."



Everybody cheered up immediately, people became drunk, and

merry with the festivities which made New Year's Eve parties

look like a Sunday school picnic.  Everybody had a wonderful

time, and many people made friends which they kept for many

years to come.  Every year after on that day, they returned

to the surface, there was a world wide national holiday held.

Restaurants were booked far and wide, to celebrate the

reunions. Church services were held, to commemorate the loss

of New York. They called that holiday, the International Day

of Light. This signified starting a fresh, and making all

things new.



In the state of Victoria, Australia, the  first people to be

transported initially to their nuclear shelter were of

course, the politicians, and the first people to emerge on

the first international Day of Light, were of course the

politicians.  They had a very quick trip back to the city

centre of Melbourne.  Instead of the usual one hour trip,

normally required from Ferntree Gully to the city, it only

took them twenty minutes, because no traffic was on the

roads.  However when they entered the city centre, they had

to precariously, drive around damaged, side swiped vehicles.

It appeared joy riders, who had not sought refuge in the

shelters, have had the run of the city for quite awhile.

Shop windows were smashed.  Looters, had been on the rampage,

and goods were strewn, from one end of the city to the other.

The troop of politicians, pushed ahead regardless.  They had

police escorts after all.  Eventually they arrived at

parliament house. It was not quite the same as they had left

it though.  In bright red paint across the main entrance,

there was a graffiti slogan which read- `Had a Nuke, must

travel which town next is hard to unravel, but wherever I am

will be the safest place in Babylon signed Heim the Holey

Terrorist.  P.S. I'm sick, sick, sick. I ate 666 Skuddish

Delights and I'm sorry about all the shit!.' They thought it

was a joke, but it had been left by Heim Hacknee who had been

revelling in his successful destruction of New York.  Inside

parliament, the whole building was gutted out.  A fire had

ravaged through the building.  Heim had defecated on seats,

and cut upholstery to ribbons.  It looked rather like a

suburban train does, on the Victorian rail system.  After

being parked at Broadmeadows outside Universal Studios

railway yards. Decorated by kids who were auditioning

for a rock concert on the Frankston bound Rock Train

rehearsing their heavy metal musical play called `Paint your

Wagon', while wagging school. The Government's failed attempt

to get people back on trains, actually convinced everyone

that to use a train you've got to be insane.  The vandals

called themselves the Broady boys, but you wouldn't call them

the girlie boys because they'd beat the crap out of you, and

spray paint your nuts luminescent green. There's lots of

American tourist greenies hanging around Broadmeadows who've

made that very mistake I might add.



Heim Hacknee packed his bag, and went to the airport, where

he caught the first plane to the Middle East. He lived there

in luxury in a secret palace, far away from the pressures of

Western life. He missed playing with networks dearly, but had

achieved his ultimate goal, so had nothing else to gain from

networking presently.



It took weeks, to get everything back in order, there were

thousands of gallons of sour milk, and thousands of loaves of

mouldy bread to dispose of. The damage bill to property was

phenomenon. There had been more break ins' to homes, and

shops, than ever recorded in the entire history of the police

force. Insurance companies were closing up shop, and

declaring themselves bankrupt. The damage to the internet, by

the nukeing of New York destroyed many companies liquidity of

funds. It caused the country's foreign debt, to soar to

6 billion dollars, in one month after the event. Hundreds of

thousands of staff, were retrenched across the nation.

Australia became the bargain basement, of the globe.



A campaign to sell Australia to the Japanese was developed.

Promotional tapes were presented in the international trade

emporium of Tokyo.



Advert announcer: " Come down to the land down under, with

technicolor chunders and billions of blunders. We have lots

of bludgers, sun, surf, and thunder. We're ripe for the

plunder, so stick in your plunger, and suck up the sludge

yeah. We're ready for your kludge to fix us up. Enjoy the

roller coaster ride.  Don't mind the loose wheel, and rails

that peel. Take a free ride through the sky onto the ferris

wheel of steel. When that stops, stick some fairy floss in

your gob while we sob at our loss. We don't mind a new

Japanese boss. Sorry about your ross is all you have to say,

and we'll pave the way from Botany Bay to Port Phillip Bay.

If you stay and make us pay our way in your good old

fashioned Nippon way we'll say Hooray hooray you've saved the

day. "



Advert song: "Nips, nips, nips come down and buy us for

nicks.  Nicks, nicks, nicks, give our economy a fix. Fix,

fix, fix, you must know a few tricks.  Rich, rich, rich, we'd

love for you to mix. Mix, mix, mix, we'd like you all to be

rich. Japan, Japan, Japan come and rend us a hand. Japan,

Japan, Japan, come and buy our rand."



Ad announcer: "Buy one company, and get one free. Yes the

lucky country is a lucky dip. Dig deep into your pockets

friends, and take a big dipper, of a jet ride to the land

down under.  Join in the bargain bonanza of a life time. We

promise, you won't be disappointed..." continued the

promotional tape.



Investors all over the globe, came to Australia, looking for

bargain companies, for Australia is a nice out of the way

place to be, when the bombs start dropping. Everyone was

safety conscious now, and wanted a little out of the way

retreat to retire to. Australia was looking pretty healthy,

at this stage it had a lot to offer the world. It was rich in

natural resources and, had a lot of talented people. The

injection of foreign money, into Australia also was

complemented by a new breed of manager.  The dead wood had

been sifted, and many promising inventors found it easier to

push their products into the market place.  Australia became

a major player in high tech manufacturing.  It was not very

labour intensive though.  Most assembly plants were of the

automated kind. The main difficulty was the lack of skilled

persons to run the high tech areas. The number of unemployed,

disillusioned, and disgruntled people was incredible.  The

new foreign interests, who owned the companies decided to

offer traineeships, with generous gratuities. They also

offered flexible hours, to encourage the unemployed back into

industry. They concentrated on computers, mathematics, and

engineering. The results of this were encouraging, but slow

at first.



Many people were encouraged to actively get into community

work, like gardening, and caring for the aged and sick. There

were also plenty of hobby classes, to build multi-level

skills. People learned by sharing ideas, and feeling part of

a team. They formed work groups, and cottage industries.

Some started to earn so much money, they found they were no

longer unemployed any more.  They'd become self-sufficient.



One key thing that the world wanted, was a safer and more

efficient internet. Top engineers throughout Australia worked

hard on this problem, and developed a fiber optic packet

switch device. The main advantage of fiber optics was it was

virtually distortionless, with almost unlimited bandwidth. It

ran cool, had no moving parts, was robust and reliable and

was starting to become very cheap. The packet switching

technology the Australians' were producing, was state of

the art. It used the fact that light itself is a packet,

called a photon. They selected a fixed synchronous clock

frequency, for timing, and quadrature, phase modulated light

beams, to carry the binary data. One phase shift pattern

represented a logic switch on function and another phase

shift pattern represented a binary logic off function.  They

developed fiber optic wave traps  that were phase dependent

to control digital logic functions that mimicked, all the

logic functions of computer's silicon chips. From this

technology, they developed microscopic fiber optic logic

grids, that simulated microprocessor functions. They

developed light array packet switches which trapped light in

tiny wave traps, and formed photon memory stores. With these

systems they developed compulaser computing systems. It was

from these that they developed a new breed of routers, for

the internet that could interface directly with fiber optic

cables. The idea was to build the perfect packet switch

network.



They built interfaces that moved data seamlessly, between

laser light, and silicon technologies. The new breed of

routers also used the worm function, to quickly distribute,

and update encrypted passwords, every 15 minutes. They

generated them using random number generators.  This was to

prevent hackers from running password guessing programs, to

hop through the internet. The new routers were nick named

hopper stoppers.  They were also virus proof, with the new

self-healing file systems, and of course they would self

destruct, if tampered with. They carried labels-Warning

hackers, 'These devices are armed with tamper proof

explosives.'  The fiber optic Time Domain Reflectometry

functions, were still included, along with external alarms,

to trap those who dared tinker with the fiber optic cables.



The new internet, was largely fiber optic, and used the mesh

network connection system, like a giant gossamer spider's

web.  Sparkling, glittering glass webs, that spread from one

end of the globe to the other with incredible bandwidth, that

enabled super vision, studio standard, video telephones in

every house.  Two thousand, cable TV stations per line.

Video conferencing, and 1 gigabyte data transfer rates

globally. Every home had access to the universities'

digitized book libraries. Any commercial purchase could be

made, without ever leaving your home.  You could see what you

wanted in magnificent, three dimensional color. Holographic

images projected from your fiber optic phone link, as real as

being there.  Yes the technology had come a long way, and

things were starting to look very bright indeed.  Australians

became known internationally as the clever dicks down under.

The Prime Minister once said, " I'm a clever country

member." The leader of the opposition replied, " Yeah, I

remember. You came all by yourself."



With the new technologies, and hacker proof LANs, the mob

were feeling the pinch, in networking, and deviated back to

brutal measures, to perpetrate fraud, and obtain information

via networks. Networks used new security systems, including

digital fingerprint encoder, decoder password systems. These

required the supervisor, to place his finger on a sensor, to

verify a password, before he could have access as supervisor.

The mob often hacked off a supervisor's finger, to gain

access to his LAN. This did spawn a new industry, in joke

shops around the world, where they'd sell computer hacker

kits which included a box of disks, and a plastic, mobster

finger cutter, with an array of fake severed fingers.  Jokes

about hacker's kits, with finger cutters, were considered

very bad taste at network conferences.



The mob cornered a network supervisor in Melbourne.



Lacey: "Are you the LAN supervising man?"



Supervisor: "Yes, what do you want?"



Lacey: "Your thumb chum."



Gino held the supervisor around the waist while Lacey cut off

his thumb.



Supervisor: "Ahhhhgggggghhhh. Stick it up your bum, you thumb

sucking Sicilian."



Gino: "Waist him Lacey."



Lacey shot him with a gun fitted with a silencer.  The

supervisor slid to the floor. They looked at the gore left on

the floor.



Lacey: "Gees they get sore under my finger cutters jaws

Gino."



Gino: "Would you give up your thumb so lightly, you frilly

long nightwear, Lacey."



Lacey: "What did you call me Gino? ( He stood clinking the

cutters in Gino's face.) "



Gino: "You Sicilian nightmare is what I said Lacey. So keep

your knickers on and stand quietly."



Lacey: "That's better, remember I'm Lacey the frill killer."



Gino: "Your full of frills Lacey. I bet your a lady killer as

well."



Lacey: "Yeah, the ladies do wear me out Gino."



Gino: "I bet they do, they must leave you in tatters, all

torn to shreds. You'd be better off dead if you want my

opinion. I'm afraid Lacey you've had your last frill, now

it's curtains. ( Gino pulled out his hand gun and shot Lacey

dead. ) You won't use those cutters on me now your dead."



Gino went back to his brothel, and listened to Lana whine.



Lana: " I'm a fallen angel of the Lord, a Miss Stress of the

darker side of Heaven you all adore.  I'm the beauty pageant pawn

queen of Babylon's, Long Island's shores, I'm New York's happy

hooker's whore of whores, haw of haws.  There's he whores and she

whores, guess which one's the donkey. "



Gino: " I know the Hee-haws, you sure know how to whine Lana. "



Lana: " Yeah, my cup overflows with for-knee-case-shun, hic Gee-

no. You whirr-ship the ground I walk on, I know. That's another

case of whine under my belt."




                         Chapter 9



Something interesting was brewing at NASA. It appeared their

prayers had been answered. The Voyager mission that had left

in the eighties with it's comprehensive description, of

mankind, our planet, and earth's location in the Milky Way

galaxy, had born fruit.  There was a very strong radio

signal, picked up from out of space. The message which was

received on frequency 666 Gigahertz, was creating great

interest.  The digital radio decoders, revealed the message

to be in pure ASCII code.  The message decoded to- `Voyager

intercepted now send us your man, send us your man, send us

your man.....'  flashed across the screen repeatedly.



Scientist: "It's amazing. Aliens have intercepted Voyager.

Now they want us to send a man to them. Let's ask them how

they want him sent? "



NASA used their strongest transmitter, to beam back a

repetitive reply- `How shall we send our man?, How shall we

send our man?, How shall we send our man?......'



The alien transmission, suddenly started writing programs,

before their very eyes, on their computers. Circuit diagram

images, appeared, mechanical designs, and functional

descriptions.  The document that spewed out was titled-

'A Primitive, but Functional Gateway to Heaven.'



The following message appeared on the screen- `We realize you

can't teleport your man.  We request you scan a human

subject's genetic codes, and transmit those to us.  We will

synthesize your man in our laboratory....'



Everybody at NASA, was thrilled to pieces.



Scientist: "A real, live contact with aliens via radio. This

document shows in detail, how to genetically decode a man,

and format his data for transmission, to the stars. Hah, hah,

ha. We only need to send a genetic description, and not a

real man at all. It sounds very safe indeed."



Headlines appeared world wide, reporting the event.  `Aliens

meet Voyager', `Aliens contact us', `ET phones back'. A TV

news report described the event.



Reporter: "After top level negotiations, with the President,

NASA have got the go ahead to build the alien, genetic

transmission system received from outer space.  NASA's

technicians and engineers, are working day and night, on the

project.  Geneticists are thrilled at the depth, and detail

of the genetic algorithms. They say they can learn a great

deal from them.  The Send a Man, task force, may soon have a

workable system that could send the genetic codes of a man,

to the stars. The big question is whose codes, shall they

send.  The President has authorized a world wide quest, to

choose the man whose codes they will send.  An overwhelming

number of votes have come through, for James Fredericks, the

founder of Hackers' Anonymous, closely followed by the world

renowned nuclear physicist Arnold Sweinenburg. The final

choice will be announced tomorrow."



Back in Melbourne Carole Fredericks had been listening to

this broadcast with excitement.



Carole: "James, your the favorite for the Send A Man quest."



James: "I'm not sure that I want to be part of it."



Carole: "Oh, please James. It's your only chance of ever

going into the history books. It's a great honor."



Dr. Who: "It's your destiny James. It's for the best believe

me."



Angela: "Go on James, you must be used to being in the thick

shake of things by now."



Then there was a knock at the door, James answered it.



Telegram girl: "Telegram for Mr. James Fredericks. Mary and

the kids are dead, boom, boom. Only joking. "



James: "Thanks, here's a tip."



James gave the girl a two dollar coin.



Telegram girl: " Gees your a cheap tip stir."



James: " Tough tippies."



He looked at her nipples lustfully then opened the telegram,

and read it out loud.



James: "From the President of the United States,

Congratulations James. It is with great pleasure we bestow to

you the great honor of being the first man, to have his

genetic codes digitally transmitted to the stars. We would

like you to attend a formal meeting, to have this honor

announced publicly to the world tomorrow. Please contact our

embassy for your travel arrangements."



Dr. Hoo: "Congratulations James. I'm afraid Angela and I,

won't be here when you get back. We've got to go in the

STARDUST to the nearby galactic federations' planet Setoria.

There's some important negotiations to be made with the

Hellonian emperor over believe it or not, the Send A Man

project.  But I'll be back soon."



James: "Thanks Doctor, I hope my life isn't about to become a

nightmare again?"



Angela hugged him then left with the Doctor.







James travelled with Carole to Washington, where the press

and media tackled them for interviews.



James: "After the presentation, ladies and gentlemen."



They hounded him at the doorway to the White House. He went

in and the President honored James with a toast.



President: "I would like to make a toast first to NASA, whose

hard dedicated work, on the Voyager project, has finally born

fruit, it looks like it's bananas. Mankind has at last being

contacted, by an alien nation, and it is with great honor, I

offer you James, the chance to be the man we send. Send A Man

is the project and It is a large message I believe, for a

small man I'm told.  But we boldly send your codes, so that

one day we may meet this alien nation face to face."



There were cheers and clapping from the audience. The

cameras' flashed randomly.



James: "I feel very privileged to offer my genetic codes, to

such an awesome experiment. Who knows maybe one day I'll come

face to face with a mathematical clone of myself. I hope the

new me is friendly, if that's the case. We are definitely

dealing with the unknown here. May God guide us on what's

best for mankind. Thank you."



The people clapped and after the event a reporter spoke to

James.



Reporter: "You have some reservations about the ethics of the

experiment. Do you think your making the right choice?"



James: "Yes, I feel I'm making the right choice. The

experiment may risk world security, but I feel it's worth the

risk.  Otherwise I would be bitterly disappointed that I had

been unwittingly used, to bring harm to mankind. Taking the

bold step to invite the visitation of alien life forms, to

our planet is risky.  There's risk of disease, or being

overpowered by superior military forces.  The interceptors of

Voyager are no doubt, superior technologists. We know nothing

of their culture or desires.  It's a waiting game, to see

what the outcome of this experiment will be. But man has

always taken risks for progress through out history. It's

worth it I feel."



James was whisked away by a NASA scientist.



Scientist: "James, we would like to take you to our genetics

laboratory, and take a skin graft from you. We'll put it on

to the digital, multiscan, electron microscope interfaced,

with a superconducting, high tech, super computer built to

the aliens' specifications. We need to begin digitally

decoding your genetic structure, so we can produce a 200

Gigabyte data file that contains all your genetic

information. It will take three weeks of continuous

transmission, to transmit it at 666 Gigahertz, from NASA's

headquarters, towards the aliens' planet. It will take two

years to be received by them because their outpost located

two light years away. All contact with the alien nation, has

ceased.  It's up to us to live up to our part of the bargain

now."



James: "OK, I guess I'm the guinea pig, the world's waiting

for."



After driving him to the laboratory, he was greeted by a

nurse.



Nurse: "Come this way Mr. Fredericks."



She looked at him with great interest.



James: "Call me James."



He wanted to be a little less formal.



Nurse: "So your the world's guinea pig. Well roll up your

sleeve then, and I'll give you a local anesthetic."



James: "Ouch."



Nurse: "This won't take long, the doctor will be here

shortly. Can I kiss you, your the sect-see-EST  celebrity for-

um a long time I've met. Oh too bad the doctor will be back in

a minute, or I'd really show you a good time. It's me Lana."



James: " Boy Lana, your really whore'n'ting me. "



Doctor: "Hi, I'm Dr. Long. I just need a slice of your inner

forearm.  It is quite painless. There we are nothing to it.

Nurse will you dress his wound now."



The procedure was finished and his forearm firmly dressed.



Scientist: "Now James. Would you like to see our genetic scan

begin."



James and the NASA scientist entered the theater.



Scientist: "Well your specimen is now being placed in the

electron microscope scanning chamber. We will scan it

sequentially, and the computer will compare it to it's DNA

typing database.  We will translate it into a mathematical

read out of your exact, genetic make up. This will be broken

up into over 200 million packets of data to be trance-mitted

sequentially into outer space towards Sirius. It's going to

take a long time and we are now receiving radio communication

from the aliens to synchronize the transmission. Let's hope

their aren't any data errors received, for we can

automatically resend that data to eliminate errors in

transmission. But it would take two years to get a reply."



James: "This is simply amazing."



Scientist: "Oh computer file, we send to the sky, you are

a potential guy, with no guile. Will you boomerang and come

down again. Let's hope you don't hurt us men, return again

with a purpose. Please don't hurt us. Please just serve us,

with your purpose."



Carole was joined by James in their hotel room when suddenly

she felt very ill



Carole: "James, I feel ill. Oh the cramp. You better take me

to hospital."



She was in great pain.



James: "Sure, honey. Are you OK. I'll take you right away."



He drove her directly to the hospital where at casualty they

were confronted by the sister on duty.



Sister: "You say your six months pregnant, dear. You do look

in a lot of pain. It might be an etopic pregnancy. You might

loose the baby. Are you sure you've got your dates right. Dr.

Ruskin is on duty. He can see you right away."



Dr. Ruskin: "Hello I'm Dr. Ruskin. Let's have a look now. You

have a great deal of bleeding.  Nurse give me some water.

I'll wash your womb and give you an inspection."



Suddenly on the planet Setoria, an alien medic who had been

observing Carole from several light years away.



Alien: "Standby to teleport Carole Fredericks unborn child to

our premature, baby incubation chamber."



In a flash the unborn child was teleported to Setoria.



Alien: "Got it, in the nick of time. That evil Doctor was

about to drown the foetus with a wave of cold water. Then

devour it with his foul and earthly abortion.  We've saved

the child whose born to be king.  We'll implant him again

using our matter trance-mitter when the time is right.  "



Back on earth Carole yelled in shock as the cold water

splashed into her womb.



Dr. Ruskin: "My examination reveals nothing. You couldn't

have been that far pregnant, unless the foetus has been

reabsorbed back into your body. Maybe you've just had an

extremely heavy period, my dear."



Carole: "I know I am pregnant."



Carole was getting very angry with the doctor.



Dr. Ruskin: "Well here's some tablets to help with the pain.

You may go home now."



James: "That's amazing. Your no longer pregnant."



Carole cried in his arms.



Carole: "I'm so disappointed, I was so looking forward to

having a baby."



James: "Never mind, love. You'll have another one.  You'll

get over it in time, you'll see."



James tried to comfort his distressed wife. But secretly he

was glad, for he knew the foetus was AIDS infected, and felt

it was better the baby was never born.



Shortly after this a great calamity came to the earth.

That month an enormous meteor storm approached the earth, and

astronomers took fright, for they knew thousands of tiny

comets, were on a collision course with earth. Everybody in

it's path, took to the bomb shelters, and the comets crashed

to earth with raging, fiery tails. They showered the earth,

mainly near the great river Rhine. The water became bitter

and poisoned.  Thousands died, from the poisoned, waterways

and many men cursed, God for the calamity that had befallen

them.



War again had broken out in the Middle East, and the allies

fought a fierce battle, against the rebel Arabs. Tanks and

missiles spat fire, for months on end. But the allies were

strong, and determined to beat their enemies. They then

united the Arab nations, and took over Israel.  For the

Arab's had made war with Israel, and the American's marched

on the Holy city of Jerusalem to give it protection. That

city was now in the hands of the gentile nations of the

world.



Two strange, shabby prophets, dressed in sack cloth were

teleported from the planet Setoria, and appeared in a pillar

of bright light in the Middle East. They had amazing

charisma, but sang a mean tune.  For they claimed to be

brothers, from a distant Galaxy, and had great, power over

the earth to cause droughts, and volcanic eruptions. People

hated them, and some tried to kill them.  But those who tried

to harm them were devoured in laser fire, that seemed to fire

from their minds.  Some said they must be angels, others

devils.  The authorities wanted to destroy them, but found

them too powerful, and the prophets preached



Prophet 1: "The great Jesus Christ was coming back to earth

from a distant galaxy.  He has the power to read your minds,

and will judge you all according to your works. There is a

woman amongst you, who you will weep for on judgement day.

Lanabelle whore of Babylon, the betrayer of betrayers awaits

you.  Her sins are as high as heaven. All the kings of the

earth shall fornicate with her. She will ride on the beast of

a Devil, and betray you all on judgement day. There is a

child to be born that the beast shall send forward a wave of

water to devour her and her child, for he comes with a fury

for he knows his time is but a short pea. The child shall

rule the earth with an iron rod, the shape of a hook to

tender the flock. His name is Scott Ian, the man who will

make LANs safe for eons and eons. He is a time lord of the

lord of Lords and King of kings."



Prophet 2: You have pin numbers, to pin you to the LAN. Look

closely at your bank card symbol it's 6 6 6. The symbol is a

thimble, so you don't get pricked. Credit cards pin you to the

LAN, to make them creditable to your fellow man. Are you all

damned. Only if you wear the symbol of the Antichrist in your

palms of your hand or in the front of your crown. Jesus came

in peace, gave you the police, to keep the peace. Jesus gave

you power to use the LAN. Out of the bottomless pit of oil you

can. Cans and cans they go round and round gives you power to

run your towns, gave you the power to build your LANs. Power

for towers for hours and hours. Gave you power to turn night

into day, don't think it matters on Judgement Day.  The fossil

fuel rules over you, in the bottomless pit, yes it's true,

that SATAN, rules over you. Fossil fuel converted to

electricity provides you with power for industry. Provides you

with power for your cities.  Electricians are electrical

physicians, to cut the spark that leaves you in the dark. The

musicians are electrical magicians that audition for a

position in the entertainment business.  All after a slice of

pie, Jesus looked down on all the mess your in, he's the mess-

eyer you know, and said, `I spy with my little eye, I'm a spy.

The KGB and FBI would surely die, if they could only see what

I spy, and just how many people do lie.  For their protection.

His resurrection showed the right direction. I give you my

protection. You can tell me anything, and I won't tell on you,

for your sins or give away your bankcard pins.  For your

protection.  Promise me you won't do that act.  I'll forgive

you yeah, and that's a fact.  Don't look back because I'm

coming back, in a cloud or on a broomstick, but you can bet on

it, it'll be loud, and quick. How about that.'"





An Arab approached them.



Arab: "I worship Mohammed, does this mean I'm not saved?"



Prophet 1: "You must renounce the false prophet Mo'hammered.

You believed only in old Mo' who hammered out the ten

commandments in stone, and must worship the true Lord, the

King of kings, the Lord Jesus Christ our saviour, then you'll

be saved.  Repent, repent, repent you of your sins. If you are

a doubting Thomas, and refuse it's your loss.  It's a relief

to say you'll be judged on your works, and not your beliefs on

judgement day."



One evil Saracen assassin approached them.



Saracen: "I've food for you two men of God"



He walked towards them in his long, flowing robes.  Then he

pulled out a sword, and was about to decapitate one of them

when the other one, tilted his head forward.  Piercing white

flames fired from his mind, devouring the evil aggressor in

flames of a kind.  A pile of ash lay at their feet, and his

sword span and reconstituted itself into a cross that marked

his dusty grave.



Prophet 2: "Fool, Sorry Messiah, it was his desire to play

with lay-sir fire?"



Prophet 1: "I feel like another dry spell, how about you."



Prophet 2: "Yeah, that'd be great. I'm sick of doing

eruptions, how about you."



Then they sang their favorite song.



Prophet 1 & 2: "Shiver, shiver shake, mass earthquake. Rough,

tough up, fire erupts. Fry, dry out, a bout of a drought.

They try to destroy us, our fire devours them. Ooo ahh, ooo

ahh.  We're prophets of doom, we sing a fiery tune ahh, Ooo

ahh, ooo ahh.  Those who oppose us, suffer fire and gloom.

We stand our ground and sing our fiery tune, ooo ahh. Ahh ooo

ahh. Haaaa ha, ha."



They laughed as they sang while earthquakes, volcanic

eruptions and droughts plagued the world around them .  Their

preaching lasted three and a half years, and then they lost

their powers. The authorities shot these two men dead. People

partied, and rejoiced and gave gifts to commemorate the

deaths, of these two scourges on mankind.  They lay dead, and

unburied for three and a half days in the streets. Then

suddenly alien forces breathed life, into their bodies, and

to the horror of on lookers, the dead stood up.  And a voice

like thunder said



Jesus: "Come up here."



They vanished, in a pillar of light, just as they had come to

earth.



People joked, they must have gone to heaven, and Christians

everywhere praised God, for they had been given a sign, and

glimmer of hope that the beliefs kept safe by the church, for

2000 years were indeed true.



James sat with his wife in their lounge room watching TV.

The following ad for ibm appeared.



Ad announcer: "The Prophets predict Scott Ian shall make

LAN's of the future safe. Beam me up Scotty. I beam, you beam

everybody beams. Big Blue salutes you Scott Ian we too want

to be safe.  We're the Super power in networking. The network

of the future, so watch those eyes beam. At ibm we all beam,

even the prophets beamed."







James: "Carole, those shabby prophets who were killed, they

said they'd come from Setoria. Isn't that where Dr. Hoo said

he was going. It's been nearly six years since he and Angela

left.  I wonder when they'll return. I also wonder what's

happening with the Send A Man project deep in space."



Carole: "Don't worry. since I lost my baby remember. I've

learnt to live with disappointment. The funny thing is I don't

feel the baby is lost. Somehow, I think I'll be pregnant again

soon."



James: "That would be nice."



As he, and his wife were both AIDS sufferers, he had

continued sexual relations with her.  He had still not told

her they both had AIDS.



On the planet Setoria, Dr. Hoo sat with the counsel of elders

in conference with Lord Lucifus, the Hellonian emperor.

The head of the counsel spoke.



Head: "We have teleported you here Lord Lucifus, to discuss

the conditions of your Superlan 666 experiment."



Lord Lucifus was a powerful old looking man, with pointy ears

and a pointy chin. Deep lines set his face with large red

eyes that gave an animated, and spriteful gleam of madness.

He looked a very untrustworthy character indeed.



Lord Lucifus: "Of what concern is our Superlan 666 experiment

to you?  The planet earth is one of our SATANIC outposts. It

is our choice what happens there."



Head: "We were there first, Lord Lucifus. It is our planet

your trying to steal. We have the copyright to all genetic

codes on that planet. We own James Fredericks genetic codes,

and we lay claim on his clone you've synthesized in your

laboratory. Namely the clone Ian, Superlan model 666.

It is a Intergalactic breach of copyright to have cloned

James Fredericks."



Lord Lucifus: "What do you want of me? The experiment has

already begun."



Head: "We want the right to see Superlan 666's program. We

demand the right to reprogram him to keep the earth safe."



Lord Lucifus: "Why should I give you that right?"



Head: "Would you prefer to settle with an intergalactic war.

We're prepared to wipe you off the face of the universe."



Lord Lucifus: "Yes, I know you have the upper hand. You have

the time travel, teleportation game sewn up. We still can

only manage soul travel. Our hands are tied. I guess we have

no alternative than to let you have access to his program."



Head: "Now your talking reason, Lord Lucifus. Authorize

bringing Superlan 666 right here, now then."



Lord Lucifus: "Ok, send my Hellonian ambassador back with

this message."



He scrawled a message on a scroll and handed to his

ambassador. The ambassador bowed before his emperor, and then

was teleported back to Hellonia with the scroll. A few

minutes later the coordinates of Superlan 666 were received

back, and the clone of James Fredericks was transmitted to

the conference room.



Lord Lucifus: "He is in suspended animation."



The elder walked over to it, and laid his hand on Superlan

666.  He read it's program.  He transmitted it through

telepathic thought transfer to all members of the conference.



Head: "We'll have to add some safety features to the

creature.  It should be strictly programmed to keep the

peace. We can't have this beast run amok with mankind, in

it's present form."



Group: "Here, here."



The elder laid his hand on the clone, and impulsed the

program changes into it's mind.



Head: "We'll have to lock his program, with a self destruct

security feature. We can't have you tampering with his

program when we've left, Lord Lucifus. I have to commend you

in deleting the AIDS virus from James' genetic, code file. A

primitive, but useful form of healing, 666 is clean. This is

as close to healing as you'll get, Lord Lucifus."



Superlan 666 looked in every respect like James Fredericks,

but had a skull cap of surgical steel, stitched to his scalp.

This was a digital interface designed to directly link his

mind with the earth's networks via microwave and other remote

links.



Head: "We've finished with him. You can't take him back to

Hellonia with you. We'll decide when he can travel to earth.

The meeting is adjourned."



Lord Lucifus: "Outrageous, you Setorians shall pay for this."



Head: "Idle threats."



Angela saw the door open to the conference room, and looked

in the room to see if she could see Dr. Hoo. She nearly died

when she saw James Fredericks clone. The Doctor spotted her

and waved.



Angela: "What is that?"



She pointed at the clone.



Dr. Hoo: "That is the result of the Send a Man project. We've

just undergone a reprogramming session of James clone."



Angela: "God, doesn't he look strange with that skull cap? It

makes him look rike an escapee from a runatic asyrum."



Lord Lucifus vanished from sight and was teleported back to

Hellonia where he tramped up and down in a ferocious mood.






                        Chapter 10



Two years later Carole was at home alone. Suddenly she could

hear music, and she fell to the ground in great pain. Her

stomach began to stretch. Her womb became lined with blood,

and she once again fell pregnant. The voices sang.



Angels: " This day your son has come, for your the pregnant

one.  Joy to the world, for his kingdom shall come. Praise to

the Lord, your son shall be king. Jesus the Son of God, he

gives him an iron rod.  To rule over, you and I."



Carole's pain vanished, and up in Setoria the elders looked

down on earth, and their leader.



Leader: "The women responds well to the transformation. Her

child has been returned safe. Praise to the Lord, for he has

appointed this boy to be a king when he comes of age."



Carole fainted and when she awoke, James was holding her in

his arms.



James: "What happened, my love? Are you OK?"



Carole: "James it's a miracle I'm pregnant again. Feel my

womb, the babies kicking."



Sure enough he could feel the babies vibrations, against her

hardened womb.



James: "That's amazing, their is a baby. Praise be the Lord."



They held each other closely, and wept with joy.





On Setoria a messenger reported to the elders.



Messenger: "The craft Saffron is approaching earth,

gentlemen."



They focused their minds, and the image of the craft appeared

before them.



Elder: "It appears Superlan 666 has survived the journey

well.  The Hellonian captives we've sent with him, are

looking pretty edgy. There's the Devil looking forward to a

dip in the ocean. He's pretty mad about Carole being pregnant

again.  He's itching to devour her baby when it's born. We'll

organize a little surprise for him when he tries."



Soon after this there was an amazing occurrence high above

the earth, an alien space carrier vessel called Saffron,

entered the earth's atmosphere. Then a message sent on 666

Gigahertz, was received at NASA. The message was decoded by

computers, and converted to a high quality digitized voice.



Message: "We send you your man,....we send you your

man,......"



NASA were astounded to track this signal to an alien craft,

in the earth's atmosphere.  The press and media were hot on

it's trail. The craft settled above Baghdad. The world

headlines read 'Aliens arrive', 'Voyager's friends arrive',

'ALIENS-Hope their friendly.' People looked with awe, at this

large Star Wars, type vessel that filled the sky, above

Baghdad.



The media and military waited in anticipation at, what this

craft might do. The next day a bubble shuttle emerged, and a

young mannish, figure could be seen through it's glass dome.

Four hundred Hellonians emerged from the craft, on space

scooters, and darted through the atmosphere. They performed a

marvelous aerobatic display before the people. They formed a

message in the sky, and their message said 'Your new King Ian

awaits you.' They then all, descended to earth.  To all the

TV crews astonishment, a youthful, James Fredericks' clone

had appeared on earth from the shuttle. The strange thing,

was he had a shiny metal skull cap, surgically mounted on his

head.  It was just like a crown. Embossed in gold, was the

number 666 which appeared on the centre of the crown. He wore

a red clinging suit and a red cape. An emblem on his chest

spelt the word Ian. His outfit was like that of Superman but

he was called SUPERLAN 666 or IAN.  He was genetically a man,

but concocted in an alien laboratory through mathematical

synthesis of James Fredericks genetic structure. He was a man

who had become a LAN through the surgical merging of brain

tissue and electronics.  Suddenly networks on a global scale

went haywire.  No one seemed to know why.



666: "James Fredericks the name."



The clone was poking fun at the earthlings.



666: "I'm your new king.  You will worship no one but me, and

your beast. This primitive LAN, you all call the internet

which I control from my crown.  My crown is a LAN, and I am

the man you sent that was not, but now is, and forever more

shall be.  You shall worship my crown that is a LAN, and me

or perish off the face of the earth."



Everyone took fright, and were disgusted with the clone, and

ridiculed it. They thought it must be an enormous joke.

A General from the military spoke to the alien clone.



General: "Absurd, how could you be our king. You have no

jurisdiction on earth."



So to demonstrate his power, the clone pointed in the

distance, and every body saw the missiles, on the launch pad,

swivel and face towards Baghdad.  The creature was sending,

signals through the internet, to the missile pad.  They

realized he might release the missiles , and the people

screamed for mercy. One cried



Lady: " Oh God no, have mercy, what do you want of us?"



The creature laughed.



666: " You are welcome to share in my kingdom, if you receive

my mark which is a disk I'll implant on your hand or crown.

The mark is a LAN that gives you the freedom, to enjoy my

kingdom, but you must bow down to me. For I am strong, and

you are weak. If you do not receive my mark, you shall be

banished from my cities, and not allowed to buy, or sell, or

travel freely in my kingdom."



The Americans were disgusted with this creature, and wanted

no party of it. So the President ordered a full nuclear

attack, on Baghdad. Superlan 666, read the internet signals,

and generated a worm block function, in the internet which

prevented data from traversing it. The attack was crippled.

He then breathed his wrath, into the internet, and pointed

all American missiles, back at themselves. The creature then

spoke to the American people.



666: "I'll cripple your trade, and make your wealth, vanish

in a blink of an eye.  Surrender, and join with me, for I'm

born to be king. I am the LAN of God, that is a man, and the

intergalactic, God Emperor Jesus Christ, has sent me to rule

over you for a time. The time of testing begins. Bow down to

me, and receive my LAN, on your hand or crown, and you will

live as a king beneath my throne. Anyone who tries to harm

me, or my Hellonian followers shall be punished by death."



The Americans were furious, but the President had no other

course of action, but to concede defeat to the creature.



Suddenly, a loud voice, in the heavens above them, roared the

following warning. A thunderclap preceded, and bright light,

lit the sky like day. The voice said



Jesus: " Be warned for I am the Great, God Emperor Jesus

Christ who is coming back like a thief in the night. For you

are My genetic seeds that I seeded the earth with billions of

years ago, from a galaxy far beyond your horizons. I'm

testing your metal, and whoever chooses to follow the path of

the BEAST, called 666, and named IAN, shall perish in the

Lake of fire.  From ashes to ashes, dust to dust, don't

become a part of this earthly crust. Your spirits shall burn

for ever more, in the lowly worlds of atoms that lie beneath

your feet. You've been warned."



People screamed in horror, and didn't know what to do.

People fled Baghdad in droves. Some were crushed, in the

rush, for no one wanted party with this creature.



The following day, a Soviet assassin, tried to shoot the

creature, but bullets just fizzled in flames, around the

creature. He had a force field, to protect him. A Hellonian

shot the assassin with a laser gun. People marvelled at the

666 creature that was not, and is, and can't be destroyed by

mankind. The world had been conquered by a SUPER LAN who is a

man.



That same day, the man who nuked New York, the idiot savant

of networks Heim Hacknee came forward, and announced himself

to the creature.  He bowed down, before 666, and begged for

the mark of the beast, to be placed upon his forehead.



Heim: " Oh Lord of LANs, who rules the lands, make me your

high priest, and I will worship you forever more."



The creature smiled, at him.



666: "Blessed are you who've seen the light, the light of the

LAN, beckons you to come forth, and receive my mark that is a

LAN you will wear in your crown or hand. I will make you my

first man. I hear you are a hacker known as the False Profit.

You even stole Wall Street off the map, with your evil

skills.  I'll have to keep a special eye on you. Come and be

my Prophet, for I am the God of networks, and you will be my

assistant, the Prophet of networks.  Blessed is this man, who

worships the LAN that was not, and is. For I am a genetic

prodigy, of SATAN'S hand.  For SATAN is a LAN, that is a

Super Antenna Transceiver Android Network.  And SATAN's

coordinates are 1/6 of a diameter of the earth's equator from

Greenwich, inclined at 1/6 of a the earth's circumference,

and 1/6 of a diameter depth into the earth. It lies beneath

the Dead Sea.  My number is 666 together with SATAN 6/6, 6/6,

6/6 we are one. The perfect evil creation, of the evil

emperor, the Devil who is a genetic LAN, of evil incarnate."



Heim began to cry at the creatures feet, for he had found his

perfect match.



666: "Heim, I will grant you special power to perform

miracles, and great signs before the masses. Receive my

mark."



He received the mark through psychic surgery, others who were

satanists, and Nazis followed, in his footsteps, and received

the mark of the beast.  And so Heim Hacknee was given special

authority, under the 666 creature, to perform modern day

miracles before mankind. The Christians called him the False

Prophet. Heim handed out to all of 666 followers bandeloes and

arm bands each with a barcode which had three guard band marks

resembling an elongated 6 which the scanners used as reference codes

to perform transactions and purchases for all who followed the

beast. Heim gave the following speech fed to him by the beast.




Heim: " There are 666 guard band-Elle-owe Baa codes on every

fore head and hand to be read by Babble-on the haw of haws

rue-be lay-sir scan-hers for every trance-action and purr-

chase, under the mess-mhyrr-eyes sing influence of the False

Prophet who can hip-know-ties you from a distance while God

is watching ewe from a distance their is hah-money. You can

Bet-he Middle-lure there is a holey grey-Hell of asses

waiting for ewe. Join the Baa Baa queues.  I am the

subliminal prophet `I-sigh-ah' huh, hah. "



Many numerologists, scurried to rewrite their theories, so

that the name James Fredericks, decoded to 666.  They were

all in a hurry to have the first book on numerology that was

as the bible said- having wisdom. `For he who has

understanding, calculate the number of the beast, for it is

the number of a man; His number is 666.'  They all wished to

cash in on the tide, of our new alien visitor, so lunged

forward to prove they were the first ones who decoded the

number of the beast.



Sixty minutes, invited the creature, to appear on it's show.

He agreed to appear before the masses, on this show which had

more viewers than any other on earth. The interview lasted

nearly the full hour.



Presenter: "Welcome to Sixty Minutes where this week, we are

dedicating our entire program to our new self proclaimed king

Ian."



Interviewer: " Where did you come from?"



666: "From Hellonia, a planet in a near by Galaxy that is

ruled by the Evil Emperor the DEVIL, Lord Lucifus."



Interviewer: "What is the DEVIL?



666: "It is a genetically created creature made by men,

before mankind lived on earth that is evil incarnate, and is

under the protectorate of rebel alien nations, who worship

it, and use the forces of evil to gain power, and wealth

through out the intergalactic empire."



Interviewer: "Who is Jesus Christ?"



666: " The intergalactic, God Emperor who rules the universe.

He lives with His Father who is the wisdom of the Universe,

on a planet far away in a distant Galaxy."



Interviewer: "What is the Holy Spirit ?"



666: "The intelligent ether of the Universe.  The spiritual

network that traverses the space time continuum, and links

all of the universe together, in a common communication

channel called prayer. It is the intelligence that guides

creation that ties the entire Universe, together as One."



Interviewer: "Is Heaven a planet?  "



666: "Yes."



interviewer: "Is Hell a planet?"



666: " Yes."



Interviewer: " How do you know these things?"



666: " My crown is a LAN, that is more sophisticated, than

any network ever seen on earth. It is directly interfaced

with my brain.  I have been genetically synthesized, in

Hellonia using the genetic specifications of James

Fredericks. My brain uses microwaves, radar and many

multifaceted communication systems, to rule over your

technology."



Interviewer: "You rule our technology?"



666: "Yes, the great, God Emperor Jesus Christ has given me

power to rule over your technology. Whosoever, wants to use

my technology must receive my seal which is a LAN I embed in

your hand, or forehead.  For those who refuse to wear my

seal, they will be banished, from my cities. No one shall

trade without it. It is an intelligent electronic key that

will be read by your tills, read by your ports, and read by

your teller machines."



Interviewer: "What will happen to those who refuse, to wear

your seal."



666: "They will be burned by laser fire, at every corner of

the cities, until they accept my seal."



Interviewer: "Where shall the people of God, who refuse your

seal go?"



666: "They may hide in the wilderness and accept sanctuary,

in the nuclear war shelters on the outskirts of the cities."



Interviewer: " Why don't you just go back where you've come

from, and leave us in peace?"



666: "Because I have been programmed, to perform the function

I have been built for.  You are all pawns in an intergalactic

chess game, controlled by the great, God Emperor of the

Universe, Jesus Christ."



Interviewer: " What is the purpose of this game?"



666: "The Lord Jesus Christ, and His angels are Masters of

you-knee-verse.  Intergalactic, time lords is what they are.  They

visited your earth years ago, and genetically seeded your

planet by cross breeding with earth's primitive apes.  The

Lord of the Universe wishes to reap his crop, so the time of

testing has begun. He who overcomes the temptations of the

world, will be teleported to Heaven, in a Galaxy far away.

Those who try hard to resist evil will survive, and help

build Heaven on earth. Those who try but fail, shall be

transported to the planet Hellonia in a nearby Galaxy. Those

who worship me, shall be scoured with everlasting fire, and

be made party with the world of atoms."



Interviewer: " The technology you speak of that controls

peoples' access, to the cities, surely it does not exist

yet?"



666: " No, but it will soon be. For my followers from

Hellonia, have the plans to it. Those who refuse to build my

network, shall be punished, for I have the power to wipe out

every account, and company record across the globe.  So those

companies that refuse, to help me, shall perish off the face

of the planet.  For I can stop all trade.  I am the man with

your LAN, called the internet, at my fingertips. Be warned,

for those who help me build the beast shall perish, in the

Lake of fire, called a zapping which makes the atomic bomb

feel like a Christmas cracker."



Interviewer: "What of this evil, seven headed beast of the

Bible, does it exist?



666: "Yes, the Beast you speak of is the prodigy of ancient

At-LAN-tis, dabbling with genetics. It is a very

sophisticated, intelligent, genetic machine indeed.  It will

rule along side me. It has mutated and like your dinosaurs

and dragons of the past, is very evil, and bad tempered

creature.  It has been teleported by a matter transmitter,

from Heaven to earth, and lives in the bottomless pit of Loch

Ness.  It comes with a fury for it knows it's time on earth

is short.  For the great Galactic King Jesus, is coming back

as a thief in the night, to burn the beast in the lake of

fire. He will make it kindling for atoms, for ever and ever.

The beast sends out thought waves, through the collective

consciousness of Jungian fame, to tempt you all to perform

evil acts before him. Like Babylon the Great city, is an evil

temptress, so to is this creature an evil tempter."



Interviewer: "But no one has seen the Loch Ness monster for

years."



666: " Yes, but it is coming soon, out of it's hiding place

from the bowels of the earth, to live amongst you. It will

make war with the, Lamb of God, the great, Galactic Emperor,

Jesus ."



Interviewer: "Are SATAN, and the beast the one and the same?"



666: "No, SATAN stands for Super Antenna Transceiver Android

Network which is the creation of the father of evil, the

DEVIL, and emanates psychic energy from within it, to all on

the earth. It corrupts thoughts, corrupts growth, and causes

malignant sores to appear on creatures of the earth. The

beast and my crown, and your LAN, are all under the influence

of SATAN."



Interviewer: "This SATAN, where and what is it?"



666: "It is a monolith planted deep in the earth, beneath the

Dead Sea which was put their by SATANIC space travellers that

visited earth. They found the earth was already seeded by the

great, God Emperor Jesus, who had made a garden of Eden. So

they too seeded the planet genetically with their kind, and

the two kinds interbred.  Their were other alien nations,

that under the Galaxy, treaty of Jesus Christ seeded your

planet with their kind also. So you are all a multigalactic,

hodge, podge nation of earthlings. Jesus is coming back, to

reap His crop."



Interviewer: " Who will build your empire, when the stakes,

of the lake of fire awaits them."



666: " There are millions of atheists, skeptics,

disbelievers, opportunists, and those who are hooked on the

wealth, luxury, and property ownership of my cities.  These

people, shall build, and be party to my kingdom.  But the God

Emperor Jesus is fair minded, and has seen fit to warn, them

of their fate."



Interviewer: "So SATAN, yourself and the DEVIL are all LANs."



666: " Yes, technically the whole universe is a

multidimensioned, multifaceted, space time, continuum network

or LAN. Whether you be atom, man, beast, genetic or stone,

your all part of the whole. Black Holes, white dwarfs,

electrons, photons and nuclei all are the property of God,

and building blocks of the universe. The mathematics of

creation is pure. No energy can be created or destroyed, for

the universe adds up to a total of one, in a giant

probability algorithm. Their are protocols, that control all

manner of things, in the universe . You and I, are genetic

programs, locked in three dimensional space, written by the

God of creation, using the Holy Spirit which is the essence

of the creative intelligence in the universe."



Interviewer: " Is technology necessary evil? "



666: " No, It all depends on how it is used. If used wisely,

it can be of great benefit to man.  If used unwisely, it

could bring great sufferance, upon mankind. Like splitting

the atom can be used as a source of energy, or as a source of

destruction."



Interviewer: " Will you use technology wisely, Mr.  666 ?"



666: " I have my program to act out. But I promise you, I

will keep the peace. It is not for me to judge my works, but

up to others to judge for they have a choice, not I."



Interviewer: " Thank you for your time."



666: " Your welcome."



And 666 who liked to have the last word finished saying



666: "One more thing, you wouldn't worship Christ, and you

crucified God's only Son, who offered you the kingdom of

Heaven. Now I've come to make you worship me, as a slave

nation, of living hell and fire.  I'm going to make you build

a statue of stone, and steel on every corner, then in all

your homes. It has a horny crown, and a whistle like pan.

You'll play to it's every tune. For I am IAN the evil one,

king of all networks. I am the ANTICHRIST. I am the Prince of

Piece. At each statues feet, I will place a piece of New York

and a plaque that reads- A piece of New York to keep the

peace. The palms of the statue shall carry guns that are also

pieces.  It's feet and sides shall also carry guns. Each

statue shall be connected to me through my network that you

will build for me. You too, will be connected to me through

your marks which shall be hand LANs, and crown LANs. Together

we will be one perfect evil creation. I will call the network

Liberty for it will give you the freedom of my city. Without

my mark you shall be banished from my cities. The statues of

the ANTICHRIST shall be statues of liberty.  I shall rule

with a rod of iron. The statue is a rod of iron, with rods of

iron, a piece to keep the peace.  The torch of the statue

shall carry a laser gun. The gun shall repel those who don't

have my mark from my cities. Everyone who receives my mark

shall live in peace in my cities.  For those who don't

receive my mark, they shall be cut to pieces by that gun. All

of my followers will carry a rod of iron, called a gun which

is a piece to keep the peace.  This is their right under my

constitution.  The network Liberty is connected to every

missile on earth, and these missiles too are rods of iron.

Non-networked missiles are controlled by the military machine

of man which are controlled by me through my generals. They

too must all receive my mark. These men are a LAN of man at

my hand.  My mark has my name- Ian.  My name is lan.  Every

man who receives my mark, must obey me blindly, as if I were

God Almighty. For I am God of your network, the Root and

Superuser of all LAN's. Without your LANs on which you all

depend, you will be destroyed. So If you receive my mark you

too are a LAN and no longer a man. You must obey my every

command.  Remember Gee-sus said give unto seizer that which

belongs to seizer. He was referring to money, with the mark

of seizer.  So be it with those who carry my mark.  You all

work for money.  You are all slaves to industry.  You are all

prepared to sacrifice lives, so you can become rich and fat.

Everyday people die from mismanaged machinery, be it a car or

a factory conveyer belt.  Your happy to live with this

slaughter. I'm the most perfect network in the Universe.  If

you put your total trust in me.  I will keep you all safe,

and at peace. But seems you love money so much, I'm going to

make you all filthy rich.  Every one of you has a price, and

can be bought or sold.  Those who work hard to please me,

shall be rewarded with bonuses, and privileges. They will be

fit to be kings under my rule, and I will give them great

power in my kingdom. Man loves power, and control of others

above all things, but I'm the boss. I stop you from

destroying yourselves.  For this you must worship me, by

bowing down before me, and paying homage to my statues of

liberty.  Therefore you must show your mark as a token of

respect to Liberty.  You are a Godless bunch who are mostly

non-Christian in behaviour, towards each other.  This pleases

me, for they are my enemy.  They have another king who has

banished them from my kingdom.  They don't want you to be

rich.  You crucified their king.  So as a favor, I'm going to

wipe them off the face of the planet.  So be warned, renounce

Christ, and receive my mark, renounce the Man who comes as a

thief in the dark. Who gives a fuck, you will all be allowed

to indulge yourselves in the most grossest, selfish vilest of

activities, under my rule.  Remember their is nothing money

can't buy except, the kingdom of God.  You don't even believe

there is one. So you've got everything to gain, and nothing

to lose.  Your favorite movie in the nineties was `Silence of

the Lambs', and Hannibal the cannibal was the one who ate

human tongues.  I'm going to silence the Lamb.  Any one

caught uttering the Lamb's Christian teachings, shall have

their tongue publicly cut out.  The Devil likes the taste of

human tongues, remember this. If they refuse my mark, they

shall be killed."



The interview ended.



The next segment of 60 Minutes, was an interview with James

Fredericks, who was the man who Mr. 666 had been cloned from.



Presenter: "We now present an interview with the man behind

it all.  James Fredericks. The person selected for the Send A

Man project, to clone Superlan 666."



Interviewer: "Many new books on numerology claim your name

has been decoded to the number of the beast. How do you feel

about that?"



James held up an ASCII chart which defines the keyboard codes of

computers and looked like this:-



                    ASCII ( Ass-key ) Chart.

              Silly-cone gambler's Wee-Gee Key-bored

Hexadecimal Decimal Character Hexadecimal Decimal Character

   06         06      SYN - Sin-Chronus-Idol

   07         07      BEL - Rings church Bells

   30h        48       0          55h       85       U

   31h        49       1          56h       86       V

   32h        50       2          57h       87       W

   33h        51       3          58h       88       X

   34h        52       4          59h       89       Y

   35h        53       5          5Ah       90       Z

   36h        54       6          5Bh       91       [

   37h        55       7          5Ch       92       \

   38h        56       8          5Dh       93       ]

   39h        57       9          5Eh       94       ^

   3Ah        58       :          5Fh       95       _

   3Bh        59       ;          60h       96       '

   3Ch        60       <          61h       97       a

   3Dh        61       =          62h       98       b

   3Eh        62       >          63h       99       c

   3Fh        63       ?          64h       100      d

   40h        64       @          65h       101      e

   41h        65       A          66h       102      f

   42h        66       B          67h       103      g

   43h        67       C          68h       104      h

   44h        68       D          69h       105      i

   45h        69       E          6Ah       106      j

   46h        70       F          6Bh       107      k

   47h        71       G          6Ch       108      l

   48h        72       H          6Dh       109      m

   49h        73       I          6Eh       110      n

   4Ah        74       J          6Fh       111      o

   4Bh        75       K          70h       112      p

   4Ch        76       L          71h       113      q

   4Dh        77       M          72h       114      r

   4Eh        78       N          73h       115      s

   4Fh        79       O          74h       116      t

   50h        80       P          75h       117      u

   51h        81       Q          76h       118      v

   52h        82       R          77h       119      w

   53h        83       S          78h       120      x

   54h        84       T          79h       121      y

                                  7Ah       122      z



James: "Their a lot of bunkum, made up.  I believe the secret

of the number of the beast has been revealed to me, to be

from the true science of numerology.  Pure mathematics, and

computer science. These are the true sciences of numerology.

The ASCII computer codes which are in this chart which is the

American Standard of Character International Interchange,

shows the characters in the most significant digit column of

hexadecimal number 6, can spell the word lan which decodes to

666. The characters in this column include

a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o

which is half the alphabet, and I defy any one to spell my

name with them. You could spell damien with them I suppose

which must be an omen, I propose? You can even spell ibm, but

who'd use that for the name of men. But this man who claims

he is a LAN.  He is Superlan 666, and the ASCII codes reveal

lan is his name. ASCII hexadecimal column 6 the stream of

characters of decimal 6. The Devils hex of 6 6 6. Hexadecimal

codes 6C, 61, 6E, and their most significant digits as you

can see are 6, 6, 6.  In the lower case symbols from a to o,

the only letter that looks like a capital I propose, on a

computer screen is lower case L which looks identical, to

capital i and little L.  It therefore spells the name of LAN

( lan ), and at the same time, the name of IAN ( Ian ).  He

is the man who is a LAN who is a man made beast that is made

in man's image, namely my image.  For he is my clone.  He was

synthesized from mathematical models genetically, and not

grown from the flesh of me. So he is not part of me. Just as

God made man in His image, we have made IAN in our image.

The Lamb of God is Jesus Christ.  The LAN of God, is the

ANTICHRIST. It appears he's been anointed with oil, he's

landed in the Persian Gulf. Do not worship this beast from

the east, for he will let you down.  For you are built with

hearts of love, and he is a LAN, built with a heart of stone,

a silicon crown that gives him his throne.  He will lead you

astray.  I will not worship this beast all day, nor receive

his mark in anyway.  For I am a Christian, and ask all of you

to reject this new king, and go out with me into the

wilderness and be free. I hope to start the ANTILAN

rebellion, as the 666 LAN, is ANTIMAN and won't let me buy or

sell, without his mark on my crown or hand.  For he who is

not for Christ is against Christ, and shall perish.  For

those who so turn their hearts to stone that they no longer

love God in anyway, shall be burned in the lake of fire, on

judgement day. So come forth into the wilderness, to build a

rebel movement with the free will in us.  Shall man rule the

earth, or LAN rule the earth.  Their is obviously a battle of

wills in this land.  Man or LAN I ask you?  The LAN is

ANTIMAN as real as any devil, for how can a LAN which is a

low level man, made machine, be wiser than any man, who has

the whole wisdom of evolution, and God on his team.  His name

is IAN, and he will burn for EONS and EONS.  At least

according to the Lord, in the book of Revelation.  This

statue he talks of, it is obviously the image of the

ANTICHRIST.  Jesus received pain through the crucifixion. He

died to forgive our sins again and again.  This image sends

pain.  it's guns on it's palms, side and feet give pain.  It

is the ANTIMAN image of Christ who received pain for our sins

on the cross. The statue is not a receiver of pain, but a

sender of pain.  It is the ultimate blasphemy of God's holy

name. Love. Here is my calculation of the number of the

beast."



He gave them the following diagram.




                               /|
                              / |
                             /  |
            hypotenuse      /   | sin- Bablyonian moon god of evil
          hip-owe-ten-use /     |
        ( fornication )  /      |
                       /________|
                           cos

     Cos-  A small green lettuce signifying planet earth.

Sin= sin/hypotenuse
Cos= cos/hypotenuse

(Punishment) tan= Sin/Cos = pun-niche-meant
              = sin/cos (hip-owe-ten-use cancels out = forgiveness )
              = [(Devil+Satan) over ( 10 kingdoms on beasts crown
              )] divided by ((Father+Son+Holy Spirit) over 10000
              Angels)
              = [2/10]/(3/10000)
              = 666.666666666 ----> repeats until Sin reaches heaven
                                    when the King of Kings shall
                                    return.



With this display of anger, he walked out of the studio.  The

interviewer turned to the camera and spoke.



Interviewer: " It appears the strain for Mr. Fredericks is

too much, we apologize for this abrupt end to our interview."



James took off his yellow suit and tie and pulled on his Levi's.



James: " Come on rebels with Levi-at-hand rebel against

Leviathan and Ian whose just a LAN.  For there's never been a

rebel without a cause, thank God for Jesus Christ our Lord."



Thousands of people, took to the streets, to march in protest

against the 666 beast.



Crowd: " Ban the beast, keep the peace..."



They chanted while carrying slogans such as- `Ban the LAN.'

`Kill the Beast', and `666 into the Abyss.' The neo-Nazi

groups marched for the beast and chanted also.



Neo-nazis: " 666 should be kissed, because Adolph Hit-lure's

surely missed."



They sang out the following.



Neo-nazis: " LAN, slam, thank Uncle Sam, Voyager's brought us

a better man. There's no better man than Ian the LAN."



Brawls broke out in the cities, and many died for their

Christian convictions. The authorities whose hands were tied,

regretfully supported Superlan 666, and quelled the revolt

against him. They showed their strength by firing rubber

bullets , to sting the rebels.  Many Christians, left the

city, for fear of persecution. They formed camps, on the

outskirts of the city. They waited patiently for the return

of their hero the Great, God Emperor of the Galaxy, Jesus

Christ.  They prayed with a fervor that Judgement day comes

swiftly, for they knew the Devil's day had come. The

headlines read- `666 is a LAN.' `666 rules the LAN's.' `Alien

King Reigns.'



Superlan 666 offered a reward, for the capture of James

Fredericks of 2 million dollars, but James disappeared into

the wilderness. He was hidden from the authorities, by the

newly formed, Christian underground movement.  News

broadcasts bellowed with updates, every hour.



666: "James Fredericks is public enemy number one. Bring me

this man who is ANTILAN. Those who can provide information

that lead to his capture, may receive a reward of up to 2

million dollars."



The whole world was in turmoil, over the course of events

that followed.  The Pope, and other religious leaders

made announcements.



Pope: "The network built under 666 shall be the beast of the

bible.  Mankind will build this beast from the bowels of the

earth.  From the mined minerals, and oil, of industry they

shall build the beast.  Networks can record at supermarkets

how much food you buy.  It can analyze if your hiding

Christians by the amount of food you consume.  Phones are

managed by the network, and can keep tabs of who you have

been conversing with.  Electronic surveillance is very

sophisticated. This is unlike the days of the persecution of

the Jews under the Nazis.  The chances of survival are

negligible.  Do not receive the mark of the beast on hand or

forehead.  These are the evil handlans and crownlans of 666.

He is the super user of users, he'll do nothing but abuse

you. You can not serve two masters, the Devil and God.  I

believe Jesus wants us to be spared, this persecution in the

evil 666's cities. A warning to all Christians, do not

worship these evil creatures. You must leave your homes now,

and go into the wilderness. Pray for God's guidance.  Take

heart for Jesus will return like a thief in the night, to

vanquish these evil beasts. You will fair better in the

wilderness, than in the cities. Let God do the rest."



Many obeyed their religious leaders, for they were true

Christians. Other's were duped by 666, and hypnotized by

transputer, subliminal advertising which continued day and

night. They accepted their new king. They stayed in line with

the authorities, and turned a blind eye to the persecution of

Christians that followed.



The queen of England, said to the house of Lords



Queen: "Give me a cottage in Kent to rent. I no longer need

this palace. The day they bring those evil idols of stone to

our shores, I'll go into the wilderness.  Let's prepare a

safe place for our people, secretly. A secret hiding place,

from IAN the evil, in our time of need."



(Choir: There was a very nice lady in England, one of

countries of the free. She gave up the throne of England so

very, very happily. To escape from King Ian, the evil one.

She'll never ever, worship he. And the queen was saved.)



That month James Fredericks wife Carole, gave birth to her

first son, and that day a mighty comet storm rained over the

city. Her labour was long and hard, and with much pain.

Mysteriously an alien angel called Dony, from Setoria

appeared before Carole.



Dony: "Fear not, for I am here to protect you, and your new

born son from evil. For your son is born, to rule the earth

with an iron rod. I shall take you into the wilderness, to a

place I have prepared for you. You will live there for one

thousand, two hundred and sixty days.  Your child shall be

named Scott Ian, because you were born in Scotland, and he

shall keep the earth safe.  Jesus says he'll be his bravest

knight, in the new order of things to come.  Jesus calls your

son, Scott Ian the Brave.  The man who is a safe LAN."



An intergalactic war broke out, between the planets, Setoria

and Hellonia, and many captive Hellonian angels, were

teleported to earth to help Superlan 666 build his kingdom.

There were news reports.



Reporter: "The world has been invaded by aliens who say they

are the creators of Superlan 666, and we must pay him homage.

Superlan 666 welcomes the alien visitors, and says we must

work by their side to build his new empire."



The great dragon the Devil, was cast to earth from the space

galleon Saffron, using a matter transmitter.  The Devil's

wake in the sea caused a huge tidal wave to form. A great

wall of water approached Melbourne, where Carole had given

birth to her son Scott Ian.  The Angel gave Carole an anti-

gravity belt which was the wings of angels.



Carole: "Do they come in different colors? It doesn't go with

my dress. I'm a white gold person myself."



Dony: "Stop bickering woman, for there's a tidal wave

approaching.  You better move quickly."



Carole flew off towards her hiding place, holding her baby.

The Angel was last to leave, and got swamped with water.



Dony: "Why do I get all the rotten jobs?"



The Devil was in the deep, blue sea, and spoke to himself.



Devil: "Back down here again, must of been, something I said.

Perhaps a blasphemy from one of my heads. When you've got as

many mouths as I, It's easy to put your foot in it."



He saw Carole flying over his many heads.



Devil: " What a pisser. I was looking forward to eating her,

and her baby.  Damn pesky Angels at it again.  Always

spoiling my supper. Sssssss. All these fish look really

boring.  I'll think I'll slink off, and visit my old

girlfriend Nessie, over by Loch Ness.  ".



He retreated to Loch Ness in the dead of night, so as not to

be seen by anyone, as he crossed the land.  The Devil was the

ancient, genetic creation of the SATANIST aliens of the

planet known as Hellonia .  Now the Devil found Nessie's

carcass at the bottom of the Loch.



Devil: "She must have choked on a Scotsman. Poor Nessie, she

really liked her hagus. Oh well, ce la vie."

One head spoke to the others.



Devil's head 1: "Why don't we pretend to be Nessie."



Devil's head 2: " Yeah that would be one hell of a prank."



Devil's head 3: " Let's go scare some tourists, and give them

their moneys' worth."



He showed himself to a tourist boat as it floated past, and

that caused much screaming and fright.



Devil: "Tourist trade, you have paid, so come back and visit,

another day. Haaaa. Hah.  Hah, look at them row. I'll whip my

tail and give them a bow. With the wake of my tail, they'll

be beached like a whale. Like peas in a pot, they sail at

lightning speed knots. The whole damned lot. Ha, hah, ha."





The angel who had helped Carole escape from the wrath of the

Devil, caught up with her. Together they flew to

Africa. They settled into a safe hiding place.



Carole: "What's your name?"



Dony: "Dony."



Carole: "I'm really worried about my husband James. I've

heard there' s a reward for his capture."



Dony: "Never fear. Your husband is safe. He has been hidden

by good Christian rebels, in the desert outside Baghdad."



Carole: "Are you sure he's alright?"



Dony: "Positive."



Carole: "I so love my baby. Look how beautiful he looks."



Scott Ian looked angelic, and stared blankly into the

distance, not really sure what all this was about. He was an

innocent victim, born during in the worst stages of human

history. Dony looked at the baby and smiled. He said



Dony: "There is nothing so wonderful as a baby born on a

planet is there."



Carole: " No nothing can compare."



Meanwhile Heim the false prophet was busy preaching to the

masses over the internet beast.



Heim: "Today I am `he who has whizz-dumb and ( down ) under stand-

in' the fun knee comm-ick. I can calc you late the knumb burr

sicks sicks sicks to be:- Sicks by ( One thou-sand, One Hun-

dread, and One you-knit ) = 666. The farther Son and Holey

Spear-it with Their knitting need-Elles can make the Lamb's

return like a fleece in the night a well round-dead bust, to

catch ewe sicks sicks sicks psyche-owe-path-ick sick-owes

purr forming sin-till-late-ting trance-actions on the Sabbath

under the full light of rev-her-ends, and mini-stirs on bab-

belle on the shadow mask grate haw of haws whose secret name

is Miss-Steer-ee, and make no Miss-Steak where in for a bumpy

ride so fasten your buy-belle seat belt over her tell-lure-

vision box and Cath owed Ray boob tube for she is the mother

of hah-lots and her cup overflows with a-bomb-in-nations.

So stay tuned to the church of fawny-cache-on where my comm-

pewter cup always overfloweths with the whine of ass key

characters on the internet beast.



The subliminal False Prophet `I-sigh-ah' messmerising the

masses."


(Choir: Send a man, not a LAN, for these are evil, they have

no soul.  For the Devil, he rock and rolled, and men paid the

toll, with their soul. He plagued them with a mark of gold.

One Lord, One man, warned His fellow man, praise the Lord,

Son of Man. He tried to save them from this scam. Did all He

can, Son of Man. They were damned by this Devil's sham, His

fellow man, with mark in hand and crown, were all damned.)



(Heavy Metal: Six, Six, Six, is mighty mean , Six, Six, Six

is mighty unclean, he burns with hate, in his evil empire.

Hell's fire is his desire. He will really rock, you, step all

over you. Empire of stone, is what he owns, into the stove

he sends his iron.  Tempered steel is mighty unclean.

Disgraced the world, with an evil pylon. Binds us to his

statue of iron. Liberty, you will never ever get free.

Liberty LAN, is the way of the damned. He binds you to his

iron.  Liberty, has it's eye on you man.  So don't ever

worship, Liberty LAN. That's the sure fire, way of the

damned.  He will really rock you, rock you. Step all over

you.)




                       Chapter 11



The world had no choice, other than to follow the beast.

Superlan 666 made data spew out of computers, all over the

globe.  The data, included plans, to build the perfect

internetwork.  There was plans for GARGOYLE ( Genetic android

replication glass of your laser environment ) which is a

glass crystalline computer, genetically grown, and programmed

to function on laser light. The beast commissioned Pancho

routers INC. to develop these, and grow a new high

performance super router, as the latest breed of building

block for the internet. It was a magnificent BEAST of man's

making. The advertising slogan from Pancho read- Get routed

with Pancho's super router model 666 which sheds new light on

networking.



Now an old Hippie, was wandering past a wayward, holographic,

image advertising sign, and looked at the sign. He had just

finished a joint, and spoke to the sign.



Hippie: " Hey Pancho, where's Cisco?"



He then looked at the `routed' word.



Hippie: "Oh, was it good for you, man. Got a light."



The sign which had a built in cigarette lighter function,

responded with a laser beam, that ignited his joint.



Hippie: "You know man, things were better when these joints

weren't free man. I used to make a lot of movies then man.

Who'd you root man, your real, ugly man."



The STARDUST appeared behind the sign, and the Hippie rubbed

his eyes with disbelief. An English telephone box had

appeared before his eyes. Dr. Hoo and Angela emerged from the

STARDUST.



Dr. Hoo: "Excuse me, dear chap which way is it to Babylon?"



Hippie: "Why would you want to go there man? They're evil

dudes there man."



Dr. Hoo: "We have good intentions, we're Christians at heart

sir."



Hippie: "Well you might as well go to hell man. Well it's

over past those sand dunes.  About ten kilometres away, man.

That's sure some groovy transport, you've got man."



Dr. Hoo: "Yes, it is. Take good care of it while we're gone.

I'll give you a dollar if you clean the mustard off the side,

Good-bye.  "



He and Angela waved him good bye, and proceeded to walk on to

Babylon.



The Hippie began cleaning the side of the STARDUST with his

tongue when he suddenly got a mouthful of snot from

Pennington's sneeze.



Hippie: "Yum old English mustard my favorite. Oh yuk, that

bit tasted really rank." ( Rrrrring rrrrring rrrrring. )



A phone was ringing inside the STARDUST.  He could hear a

lady's voice.



Lanabelle: " Hoo are you there."



Hippie: " It's Bill."



Lanabelle " Who?"



Hippie: "Hoo's not here."



Lanabelle: " Who is it?"



Hippie: " No Hoo's not here."



Lanabelle: " Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?"



Hippie: "Yeah it's me Bill."



Lanabelle: "Good, where finally on the same wavelength. Now

Bill could you give a message to Dr. Hoo for me when he

returns? "



Hippie: "Sure mam."



Lanabelle: "Tell the Doctor it's time to shampoo the bear."



Hippie: " Ok, it won't bite will it?"



Lanabelle: "No it's dead, bye Bill."



Suddenly a bird was heard tweeting at his feet and he looked

closely at his feet while hallucinating.



Hippie: " It's a budgie bong."



He picked up the bong and put it in his mouth. It played

heavy metal music.



Hippie "Wow heavy."



It had a heavy metal band around it's claw and engraved in it

was the words a gift from Lana- your queen of dreams.



Other projects for 666, were for hornsynths which Hamitup,

music industries were commissioned to develop.  These were

incredibly large horn speaker arrays with digital music

synthesizers, and sound sampler knowledge base systems which

were computer networkable. They could produce voice, or music

synthesized directly from ASCII computer text input, and

included tone, pitch and tempo controls. They could produce

any sound possible via a computer network. The loudest of

noise, to the sweetest of song could be synthesized

instantly.  They had built in listening devices also. These

were developed and put into mass production.  Plans for a

gassynth were produced, and Iceyeye were commissioned to

produce this creation.  It was a computer networked knowledge

base system, that digitally synthesized any smell known to

mankind, via a chemical network store that was mixed and

dispensed, via inert GARGOYLE technology. The foulest fart,

to the sweetest perfume could be synthesized instantly. Then

the plans of a lasersynth were developed which were

commissioned to Fillups, and they created a laser,

holographic, colour, image synthesizer that could produce

real time, animated, ten metre high images, via a computer

network. All using GARGOYLE technology.



The Superlan 666, had the full financial backing of the mob.

They saw him as the perfect money laundering present, they'd

ever been blessed with. They and the Hellonian aliens built

the beast by commissioning corporations to carry out the

task.  Eyebeam corporation built the network that linked all

these network synths together. This was the evil network

called Liberty.  Included was weaponry interfaces, to attach

to the networked, missile bases and synth towers.



They helped build the perfect internet, a fine, harmonically

tuned instrument that had spanning tree algorithms, so

efficient, that every event on the internet was perfectly

predictable. Superlan 666 was it's master. He could look into

the world wide network of LAN's and see all. He gave power to

his False Prophet Heim Hacknee, to use the horn, gas and

laser synths, to spread his propaganda, after all, he had

made him his publicity agent.



The new technology blossomed, and spread wider, and faster,

than any previously known to mankind. Every street corner had

tall towers called synth towers. They bore hornsynths,

gassynths and lasersynths.  It was the perfect heaven for

advertisers. They massaged the masses, with advertisements

from these towers day and night.  There was no peace for

anyone.  The prostitutes were given permission, to set up on

every corner where a glass, caged bedroom was built. It was a

city of many a caged bird and animal. The lasersynths, showed

them via digital recordings , dancing their erotic dances,

naked, with full animated ten metre high, colour, laser

images.  These were projected for all to see.  The images

were enhanced with synthesized perfume, emanating from the

gassynths, and erotic belly dance music from the hornsynths.

This enticed the men on the streets, to come and make love

with the whores.  Passer-bys could pay to watch the men make

love with the prostitutes, through their glass cages while

waiting for the solar buses to arrive.  It was very

distracting, to see the ugly, lecherous faces of the foulest

of men, pressed against the glass, window panes when trying

to make love, with the sexiest of women money could buy. The

men chanted.



Sleazy men: "One, two, three, four. Let us all have a go at

the whore."



A series of adverts appeared on the laser synths.



Ad Announcer: "Bic pens part of the ASCII character stream of

6 6 6, was prophesized in the Bible by ancient scribes, who

if were alive today would depend on a bic. Bic the pen chosen

by 666 for signing treaties, the pen chosen to pen his

comics, because we are the best. If he who has understanding

and wisdom, were truly wise, he would have chosen bic like

the ancient scribes. Bic the pen friend you can depend on.

Whether for testing, accounting, taxing or just plain

relaxing bic should be your pick. The pen with a future.



The 666 creature, announced to the world, through his

hornsynth network.



666: "I have turned street walkers into sleep walkers.

Placed caged birds for porkers, and animals for torture, on

every street corner, each way. That will keep your hands full

while you look into, my human zoo each day. I keep the

torture away, if you promise to pay your way, and pay homage

to me each day.  I promise you this, I'll give you a fist, if

you fail to pay your way."



Ad announcer: "At Siemens when it comes to computer chips

we're chosen by 666.  Pardon the spelling we don't practice

fornication.  We're part of the stream of ASCII 6 6 6

characters. What would fornication mean without us. Our chips

squirt data without all the mess."



The same subliminal techniques used by the transputers used

by television were adopted by the synth towers to mesmerize

the public to make use of these services.  The mob, because

of their investment with Superlan 666, had the franchise to

run these houses of prostitution.  They had placed a minder

at each site, to manage the money, and keep the peace.  Women

all over the world, were disgusted, with what they saw, for

they had been defiled, and degraded before men. So many of

them took off to the wilderness, and sought shelter with the

good Christians, in their communes. For those women, who had

the seal of the beast on their hand, or forehead, surgeons

removed them, and prayers for forgiveness were spoken by the

priests.



Priest: "Forgive these women who have received the mark of

the beast.  For the great, God Emperor Jesus has said, those

who receive the mark of the beast shall die the second death.

But Jesus is merciful to those who repent of their sins. So

let's pray that they may be forgiven, and receive everlasting

life."



The most popular whore house was Lanbelle's Surprise which

had a food franchise gimmick to get a competitive edge. A

giant Toblerone was featured on it's roof with flashing signs

of `Devil's fruit Surprise.',  `Honeycomb throne', and

`Devil's horn cone.' Lanabelle Hainsley was the lady of the

house and Gino was her minder. Madam Flatter was the

receptionist.  Rick who is employed as a palace root or LAN

lord as they were called knocked on the door and came inside

looking for some excitement.



Madam Flatter: " Good evening sir, what would you like to eat

with your lady."



Rick: "A honey comb thrown sounds a bit of a bummer, how

about a Devil's horn, I'm feeling real horny?"



Madam Flatter: "I'm sorry sir, we've just run out of Devil

horn cones, how about a Devil's fruit surprise. You'll really

like the surprise it's our house special."



Rick: "Thanks, that'll do fine. By the way I'm Rick."



Madam Flatter: " Come this way Rick."



She clasps a bowl and walks seductively rolling her arse

towards Lanabelle's love nest.  Rick looks at her rolling

hips and followed.



Rick: " I could try, but I'll probably get sea sick."



Madam Flatter: " Hah, hah, hah, the pokers a joker. Lanabelle

here's Rick whose already high on my rolling hips. He looks a

bit green and he's all yours."



Madam flatter placed a banana in a bed of fruit salad with

two scoops of ice cream either side on Lanabelle's cleavage.



Lanabelle: "Don't be bashful Rick it's all edible. ( Gobble,

gobble. Rick: "Yah huh, yah huh, yah huh." ) Tootie fruity I

want a root he, ( Rick: " Yah huh, yah  huh, yah huh. " )

tootie fruity I want a root he. Oh my God I'm making love to

goofy. Come on Ricky my God you've got such a little dicky.

Never mind it's how you apply your one eye small fry that

counts during a mount."



After a few minutes he'd emptied his weeny fun gun, and a

bell rang.



Lanabelle: " It's time for your surprise small guy."



In sauntered Madam Flatter with a silver platter with a

Toblerone in the middle.



Madam Flatter: " Why Ricky what a big dicky you have, you

must have really satisfied Lanabelle with that whopper heart

stopper, bye."



Rick smiled at the compliment, and grabbed the Toblerone and

unwrapped it while Madam Flatter pirouetted and held up her

little finger to Lanabelle and then left smirking.



Suddenly Lanabelle sprung to her feet and grabbed her whip

from the rack.



Lanabelle: " ( Crack.) Not so fast Rick, watch my whip. Be

careful I might slip. That's my surprise, Lanabelle lies

small guy."



Her whip cracked in the night air, and wrapped around the

Toblerone and dragged it from his mouth.  She started to

devour it eagerly.



Lanabelle: "Mmmmmmm, you've had your surprise this one's

mine."



Ricky whimpered and sang the following ad jingle.



Rick: "Don't have one on your own, on your Tobleronee. Moan

he over money, a phoney hates his fun fee, but is there one

piece left for little old me.  "



Lanabelle: " Very well you can have the last piece of my

Toblerone for being such a clever Dick Rick. Your a lucky guy

the last one to get a piece of my Toblerone said `speak to me

oh chocolate lips', and he was a blues singer named Robert

Soul.  I said `R.  Soul, go ahead have a piece.' He kept his

mouth shut after that in case my whip took the tip of his

tongue, I was really dark.  You sang so sweetly Rick.  You

are soul, huh, huh, huh.  Now while I have a shower you can

go have a capuchino with Gino. The animal of this house must

be bored out of his brain by now.  "



Rick: "Hi Gino, pleased to meet you. I'm a bit of a celebrity

around the palace, I used to work with our number one public

enemy James Fredericks."



Gino: " Your not impressing us. I framed him and got him

sacked, and Lanabelle used to be his girlfriend before she

became my girl."



Lanabelle: " Yes, I slept with the rebel king. He has a real

thing for me, and I don't mean a coke, he's really stoked."



Rick: " Wait till I tell them around the palace, I slept with

a hooker that scored with James Fredericks. You'll be the

most popular whore of Babylon.



Gino: " Hey Rick your good for business, your next trick is

on the house."



Rick: " Must go, thanks for the cuppa. Heil Liberty."

The door slid open and he sauntered down the street, almost

forgetting to salute the synth tower.  The synth towers

bellowed hypnotic music such as-



Hornsynth: 'The Antichrists' head is surgical steel.  He will

rock you, rock you. Tempered a rod of steel, for your soul to

steal.  Built an empire of rock, and steel.  Heel. He will,

really rock you.  He will really roll you. With a seal of

handlan, crownlan, Band, Band, thank you Ma'am.  Receive his

mark, and burn forever.  This is the work, of the evil Devil,

Devil. He will really rock you, rock you.'



Christian's in the cities, were persecuted, for they refused

to accept the mark of the beast, on their hand or crown.

The evil one's marks were smart electronic beads that were

surgically implanted, in their flesh with laser surgery.  The

beads had inbuilt batteries that were charged continuously,

by the average one volt charge which is on everybody's skin.

This charge emanates from the electomagnetic fields, of the

cities AC power lines.  The beads worked, by listening to

ultrasonic sound transmission, from the computer networks',

ultrasonic interfaces. This was built into all internet

devices.  If a network interface, emitted ultrasonic signals

in the range of a bead, the bead would emit an ultrasonic

response signal, to negotiate a data exchange transaction

with the sending device.  The cash registers, and automatic

tellers, sea ports, and airports, all used computer

controlled systems.  They were all connected to the man made

beast, called the internet.  They all talked to the beads

with ultrasonic signals. The network refused to accept the

Christian's purchases, money requests, and seat reservations.

For the beads talked to the LAN, and without the mark of the

beast, you were non-existent that is an illegal alien.  When

people met one another, the beads also communicated with one

another, and registered who they had met.  For each bead had

a unique number that identified that person. This way it was

easier for the 666 regime, to track down traitors and

criminals.  This was done by tracing which people had been

consorting with each other using the internets all knowing

databank. The security services of 666, searched constantly

for this information.  The beads were called ultrasonic

transponders, by technical experts, but in the Bible, were

known as the mark of the beast. The beads were electronic

whistles you wore in hand or crown, and they communicated

with the synth tower statues. Just like the whistle of pan,

man was forced to dance to these whistles every tune. You

were forced to do it's bidding, or be scalded with laser fire

from the statue's torch which bore a laser gun.



A television broadcast explained the handlan and crownlan

technology.



Scientist: The handlan and crownlan beads are special LAN's

made from atomic computers. Each computer inside the bead

communicates with dozens of other computers inside the bead.

This is to improve reliability, so that if one of these

computers fails, neighboring computers can take over it's

function. Because the synth towers are armed this

safety feature protects the wearer from being attacked by

the synth tower because of a circuit failure. This is why

there called LANs. The atomic computers are based on man made

molecules made in the shape of the letters of the name of the

ANTICHRIST that is Ian. This is based on research that any

logic function used in computer chips can be atomically

replicated by using molecules of these shapes joined in a

network. They are small l or capital I making a joiner stem.

Small a which is a closed loop with a joiner stem. This is to

provide rigid structure to molecular sheet made from these

letters. Small n is an open loop with a joining stem. They

can pivot around the stem, and join with another small n to

form a temporary closed loop or be repelled and form an open

loop connection. These two states provide the binary logic

conditions of on off required by a computer. Binary data

entered by aligning the n shaped molecules at the edge of

these molecular sheets propagate through the sheet to perform

a preprogrammed function. Sheets either side of this 'active'

sheet use molecular a's and l's or absence of these to

program the molecular sheets function. As you can see we have

come along way since Ibm first wrote their name using

molecules. The name Ian has thus been used to build these

handlan crownlan molecular sheets as requested by Ian,

Superlan 666."



Ad announcer: Superlan 666 uses atomic computer power of n.

At Ibm we have twice the computing power with m. We're

prophesized too in the Bible, we're part of the stream of

characters of ASCII 6 6 6 who can beat that. Ibm big blue,

the super hero of networking. Note the eyebeam. We have

superpowers. We're able to leap tall buildings with a single

bound with infrared data links, we're faster than a speeding

bullet, as fast as light, and who disguised as mild mannered

sorter on a dark bench, executes truth and justice in the

American way..  He who has wisdom and understanding agrees

you can't beat us, so why not join us.  Your futures secure

with ibm. Our marriage to Apple is as solid as Adam and eve.

Tempted to buy an apple.  Yes please.  Lanabelle's tempted ,

thank God we're free, we're liberty. Free to choose easy to

use.  Apple and Ibm, freedom sweet freedom, we're hard to

beat then. We guarantee your freedom."



Great blaphemies spill out of the mouth of the inter-Net one-dress,

wondrous haw. The hornsynths sounded with the following speech from

the False Prophet fed to him out of the mouth of the Devil.


Hornsynth Heim: " A man who is Lawed is a very dangerous man. He is

the kind of man that crucified our Christ. He behaves like a

donkey, and consequently feels only for hee-haws.  Jesus took a

donkey for a joy ride once, and ended up crucified for it.  That

donkey ride ended up with the authorities nailing his palms to a

cross, now they celebrate his joy ride on a day they call palm Son-

day. They must have been animal liberationists, or something.  True

donkeys may have rights, but so did Christ. It was no different to

horse stealing really and that's a hanging offence.  An ass is as

good as a horse to a blind Kyke.  And a nail is as good as a rope

for a hanging for angry Arabs who don't even own a rope.  A cross

is as good as a tree in the desert, see. There's he whores and she

whores, but guess which one is the donkey. The one which has a big,

ugly, hairy ass.



Shall Christ for His revenge drop rocks from the sky which he'll

call minced meet-he-whore-rites? That would make him the dong-key

for showering us all with meteorites.  Speaking of haws Mary

Magdelene was very magnetic in the lane. she attracted loads of

stones.  Often lodestones sometimes diamonds, and on a bad day

purgatory pearls, which were white rocks, yes Oi!-stir rock lob

stirs hurled at those girls to purify them of their past

indiscretions.  Then one day Jesus stood up to the mob and said

`Let he who is free from sin cast the first stone, and by the time

they'd stoked up their fires and prepared the moulds Christ and

Mary had already slipped away for a moon lit swim under the light

of the Babylonian moon god Sin.  Jesus was the hook-her of women as

well as the hook-he fisher of men.  He was really good at hook-he

too, he loved to chuck ` spear-it-you'll' rings he called hail-O's

at a hook-he.  Bored!  Never mind he was on the game of hook-her

and hook-he frequently.  Maybe he was heaven's first p-Hymn-p too.

Wait until the Lamb of Light get's his Baa-aghhhbzzzzs into you. He

was a heal-he-um Baa-loon of a buoy too, unsinkable. Boy did he

love His fishing, with lots of barbed, bay-ated crook hooks and

flies to entice his fellow mice to come and run His in-flay-table

life saving device called Christ that walked on water once or maybe

twice.  Christ was also a fish net stock-King, after all He was

always covering the arse of haw-knee little devils like me while

drag-an-in his catch of the day the likes of Salmon rush-die heh,

heh, heh.  That slippery Salmon wrote an is-Lamb-ick?  dress code

book called `Say-tan-ick verses' about how to cover your arse from

head to toe in order to prevent a bad case of Son-burn.  Now fried

Salmon's on the `I-ran is-Lamb-ick' rest-tore-rants menu as a

permanent item.  Hooray for Salmon, Hooray says us.  Hooray for

Salmon he's a haw-says us.  Ain't I just a haw-knee little Devil.

Hee, hee, hee. Thanks for listening to the False Prophet."





Now 666 saw himself as a peace keeper, and he was tired of

fending off hackers who were trying to hack military

installations, and monetary accounts, constantly.  Many used

illegal handlan transponder marks which they had doctored for

illegal use. So in a fit of rage, 666 gave the False Prophet

a vengeful hour to repay his insubordinate followers for

trying to undermine his evil empire of iron. Their had been

much brawling and prejudice against the aliens from Hellonia,

because they looked like the creatures of the popular TV

series `Alien Nation', and stood out prominently. They held

high ranking positions in the kingdom because of their

superior technological knowledge, and high intellect. Many

people were jealous of them because of this. He repaid the

rioters by spilling mankinds blood which he called- `The

spilling of human ion, and iron of glebe, hemoglobin.'

Superlan 666 announced over the hornsynths.



666: "For those who undermine my empire of iron, I'll spill

their own iron, in a sea of blood, so all can see the profits

of rebellion are very unrewarding in my kingdom. I work very

hard to keep the peace, and make our kingdom a fair place. I

remind you all. In return I demand your worship, and absolute

trust in the all knowing powers of my network."



Dr. Hoo arrived at Babylon with Angela.



Dr. Hoo: "Angela, I've prepared some handlan beads in the

STARDUST which I want us to glue to the palm of our hands.

This is so we may have the freedom of the city. Show the palm

of your hand to the statue, and it will let you pass

unharmed."



So they glued the beads to their palms and entered the city.





Suddenly the synth tower began firing erratically at the

crowd. Dr. Hoo and Angela dived for cover behind a column.

Dr. Hoo saw an armoured van with the keys still in the

ignition. He knew the tower had malfunctioned. The guard who

drove the van lay dead on the pavement. Dr. Hoo ran across

the street and jumped in the armoured van and drove to the

feet of the synth tower. He climbed out and inserted an

electronic, lock pick probe in the security lock, at the base

of the tower.  The tower stopped firing immediately. He then

ran back to Angela.



Dr. Hoo: "We best leave the city for a time. There will be a

hell of a fuss over this tower tragedy."



Angela: "OK, let's go Doctor. Theirs been enough blood shed."



They saw all the bodies strewn all over the street.



A near by synth tower burst into life with a laser image news

broadcast. The news report shocked the city with the news of

the first synth tower tragedy. The hornsynths all over the

city spoke.



Hornsynth: "A faulty synth tower, on 666th Street has

unexplainably malfunctioned, during peak hour tonight. Two

hundred people sustained burns from random laser fire. Fifty

people are reported dead. We owe it to the sectors security

officer who bravely  drove an armored car under fire, and

parked it under the tower. He then boldly disabled the tower.

Thus preventing further deaths, and suffering to occur."



Ad announcer: "Iceyeye when it comes to fibre optics in LANs

we have feelings. We even shed tears. Ooooo I spy with my

little eye Lanabelle, when she brings down the LAN, they come

down by the bucketful. And we're prophesised too. i c i, part

of the ASCII 6 6 6 stream of characters. He who

has understanding and wisdom decoded us, and he was

prophecised too, in the Bible. Who can beat that. The

future of networking depends on us. Lets all have a good

cry over Lanabelle, she saved us a bundle. She even changed

history. ici are proud to be associated with her.  Routers,

computers and ici go hand in hand, we all make up the LAN.

We even make up with Lanabelle, we do have feelings."



Heim Hacknee gleefully watched the event on his laservision

from his luxury apartment.



Heim: "The crowd went up, in a cloud of smoke. More fodder

for my hells fire, to stoke. Haaa haaaa hah. I love the power

of 666, he brings to me, eternal bliss. Haaaaa haaaa haaaa.

666 is my lucky number, you girls work in hip-not-ick

slumber."



This he said while being fondled by his three sex slaves.

They were feeding him grapes and massaging his ugly, filthy

body.  Ian or Superlan 666 as he became known, had allowed

the False Prophet to perform this malicious act on his

followers, to remind the masses how vulnerable, and dependent

they were on him.



The hornsynths bellowed, heavy metal music to the masses.



Hornsynths: `Heim Hacknee is as cold as steel, wields a rod

of blazing iron. He doesn't give a damn whose frying.  Thinks

666 is a big, big wheel, To the Devil he made a deal.  Fire

of Iron, Forever he was lying.  Frying is his perfect timing.

Lying is his perfect sliming.  His heart 's of iron, no

amount of crying, will stop him, yeah.  Fire really rocks

him, rocks him.  Who can really stop him, stop him.  Eternal

fire rocks him, socks him.'





The Christians, put some advertisements on television, with

their dwindling funds. One showed a cartoon, of  two little

girls, one reading the bible, the other reading a book on

computers.



Mary: "I like reading my bible".



Jane: " I like computers, their interesting."



The next day Mary speaks to Jane.



Mary: "Come out and play with us, Jane."



Jane: "No, I'm busy reading robotics It's interesting".



Next Jane is busy, adding arms, legs, and a head to her

computer.  Mary is playing with her friends and they come to

Jane's door.



Mary: "Please, come out and play with us, Jane."



Jane: "OK. Look I've built a new friend, let's call him

Robby."



She shows Mary the robot she's made.



Mary: "He's cute."



Robby bumps into Mary.



Mary: "Ouch, take that beast away from me.  He hurt me."



Jane: " He didn't mean it, he's just a toy."



Next Robby grabs a knife from the kitchen, and chases them

around the room waving it at them while the music from Psycho

plays.  They run into the distance screaming for help. A

voice speaks.



Announcer: "Don't play around with idols, with a heart of

stone, silicon chips have no feelings and will let you down.

Read all about it in the Bible-Thou shalt not make anything

in the image of man, or worship idols, with a heart of stone.

Brought to you by the Latter, Day Church, of Hardliners."



These advertisements were despised by all who worshipped the

beast. The beast ordered that all Christians, be tossed out

of his cities, unless they bowed down, and worshiped his

image.  The hornsynths bellowed.



Hornsynths: "These Christian's are ANTI-TECHNOLOGY, and not

fit for our kingdom see.  Banish them, for I'm ANTICHRIST,

for Christians seek to destroy me, me and my technology."







Amongst the Christians, were 144,000 pure bred Jews who came

forward. 144,000 Princess Lay-hers of the hands soul owe came

forward with the force, filled with the Spirit and Jesus'

voice, only one octave higher.  These were the only one's who

had not been defiled by women, as not a single virgin male

adult could not be found anywhere on planet earth, they had

been dormant and the great, Galactic King Jesus, had awakened

them.  They were filled with the force, of the Holy Spirit,

and went forth to all nations, preaching to worship God, the

Ruler, and Creator of the universe, and his Son, the

intergalactic, God emperor Jesus, who would return, to claim

back His kingdom. Christ can read the minds of all mankind,

and will lay judgement on them, according to their works.

These 144,000 were protected species, of the galaxy, and no

man could harm them. They had a force field, enveloping them,

out of the ether, of the universe's space time continuum, and

controlled by the Holy Spirit.  They had the ability, to

speak in many languages, called the gift of tongues. Only

they were free from the curse of the tower of Babel's babble

on. A witness was asked questions by passer-bys.



Passer-by 1:: "Sir why has God plagued us with AIDS?"



Witness: "Those who crucified Jesus, raped the Son of God, in

the night, so Jesus will return like a thief in the night,

and so in your final days, has sent you AIDS, so that the

whore can feel the pain He suffered, before he did the

crucifixion shuffle.  Revenge is mine, said the Lord, my

King.  Jesus suffered for your sins, so you must suffer the

prick of the whore.  Those who truly love the Lord, shall not

curse Christ for the plague of the whore, and shall receive

everlasting life.  Do not persecute those who fall victim to

this plague from Christ, for the time of testing is nice and

ripe."



Passer-by 2:" What does God want from us?"



Witness: "To worship no other God but Him, for He is a

the perfect King of kings.  To love your fellow man as you

love yourself.  Beware the idol of the ANTICHRIST, SATAN or

the Devil, or pay the price, and an absolute insult in heaven

to Christ.  Whoever receives it's mark, shall perish, and not

have everlasting life to cherish. "



Passer-by 3: "Is masturbation a sin, or an unheavenly thing?"



Witness: "What harm does it do, except to your arm or your

back. It won't make any difference when Jesus comes back."



Passer-by 4: "Is homosexuality a sin?"



Witness: "As long as your clean and practice safe sex, and

act with respect and common consent. Even in heaven they have

a free choice. But beware of those that choose to exploit,

children and the feeble minded without any voice. They should

hang their heads in shame, for they had freedom of choice.

They better pray now and change their ways.  Because Jesus

is coming back almost any day."



Passer-by 5: "Why wasn't Jesus born a woman."



Witness: "I'm sorry lady, Jesus had no fanny, would it make

it right if he was a hermaphrodite dear lady.



Passer-by 6: "Was he a eunuch."



Witness: "The man that whored cut off His balls. Turned Him

into a eunuch, did anybody look up His tunic that's why the

Antichrist chose UNIX, and why the military, used it. And

why the hackers abused it. I tell you no lie, the prophets

didn't use it, they were frightened they might loose it. Now

we're all using it, and we don't have balls.  The whore cut

off His penis so he couldn't have a pea see.  He said your no

longer a man, and Jesus said would it matter if I was a

woman. On judgement day run as fast as you can. The

corporations run this world, but where will they run when

Judgement Day comes.  The corporations yell at me for this

blasphemy of their name.  I tell them shame, I come in Jesus

Christ name. So go forward peacefully."



Man: "Haaa, ha, ha. If Jesus comes down I'll buy him a PC

for free. "



Hundreds of thousands of sweet people, left the cities, and

were on the way to the bomb shelters to hide from the

Antichrist when God spoke to them.



God: "Do not go to the bomb shelters, for they are booby

trapped, and have been turned into gas chambers by the evil

emperor.  Go to the wilderness, where I'll provide for you."



Out of the bowels of the earth at Loch Ness, had risen the

Devil who was an ancient dragon, a failed genetic experiment.

He had seven heads, and when seen was attacked by the

military, who blew one chunk of the creature's neck away.

Everybody was stunned, for he healed himself of this mortal

wound by the forces of Jesus' Spirit, moving as a wave,

through the intergalactic soup-the mysterious ether of deep

space.



The creature was given the power to speak, and spoke many

foul obscenities, and blasphemies, before the masses.  He was

given power to continue, for three and a half years.

He spoke to the military.



Devil: "Fuck you. My wound has healed, now follow at my heal

( heel ) earthlings. What's the matter haven't you seen a

handy-capped die-no-sore before fellow haws."



He poked his tail in their faces, and let rip a disgusting,

foul fart which sent the men vomiting, and dry wretching.



Devil: "What's the matter, my better half was just making

conversation with yuh, scum bags. The Kingdom of God is a big

mistake, tell Jesus Christ to go mass debate ( Head 6:

Masturbate )."



Onlooker: " Yuk, where did that beast come from? "



Devil: " I'm an outcast from due-Ra-sick Pa-ark, id-eots heh,

heh, heh. Csar-thrown to earth via Saffron, actually I'm the

Loch Ness monster. Just call me wicked Ness."





He was an evil blasphemous creature.  All who were not

Christians, laughed, and followed the beast, for they were

amazed at the creature's intelligence.



Devil: "DNA is the way, gives me the wisdom of what I say."



He slinked into the distance, with reporters and the army

following him, everywhere he went. He had seven heads, and

ten horns, and on his head ten crowns, and on each head a

blasphemous name. Each crown was a LAN that communicated with

Superlan 666 and that Super Antenna Tranceiver Android

Network SATAN. The beast was speckled like a leopard, and had

talon feet, like a bear, and jaws with teeth, like a lion.

The SATANISTS, of the world, all worshiped this creature.  On

each head was the name of a city that were blasphemous, for

it told a lie before God.  The cities were kingdoms.

America, England, France, China, USSR, Japan, Germany.  The

head that healed was Japan.



The hornsynths bellowed heavy metal music.



Hornsynths: `The evil beast had seven heads, and on each head

was the name of a sword.  They will really rock you, rock

you.  England, America, China too.  Germany, France and Japan

healed brand new.  They are all lands of the sword.  They are

all lands of the whore. She will really rock you, rock you.

See the woman, Babylon the whore, riding on his back, forever

more.  She'll really knock you, rock you.  She'll betray you

all, all, all.  Keep woman in a cage, forever more.  The

Beast must prevail, so Ian unveils her name.  Wants to turn

her into his everlasting slave.  He will avenge her, he will

destroy her.  That's the name of the game.  Knock, knock,

rocky, rock, their the evil pick of the crop.  They will

really scorn you, apall you. They will really abuse you, use

you.  So pray, to stay, a puritan.  Don't ever, sin again.

That's the pain of the Devil's game.'



Devil: "I have a horn for each nation for fornication, the

voice of persuasion to mislead each nation. Christianity is

dead, listen to each of my heads.  One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, all good children have gone to heaven. All

that are left, play with the Devil, on planet earth we all do

revel.  Revelation, fornication, Christianity is dead, listen

to each of my heads. Blasphemy is my speciality, passionately

my heads speak many of these.  Christianity is dead, worship

me instead. Follow me until your dead. Christianity is dead.

I'm the ten horn seven headed steeple eater, the ten horned

seven headed Christian people eater. Christianity is dead

listen to what is said from each of my, heads. Heads."



The Devil then proceeded to make many blasphemous jokes.



Devil: " Douglas Adams told you once that the meaning of life

the universe and everything was 42. That is 7 by 6 or

perfection by imperfection heh, heh heh. He said the world

was ruled by mice. Why do your scientists insist on

crucifying all your mice earthlings. Jesus the Lamb of Light

was actually a mechanical heal-he-um Baa-loon pedalled by

mice heh, heh, heh.  How else did Christ walk across water

earthlings?  The mice squeaked `treddle treddle squeak, turn

the other cheek, treddle treddle squeak `blessed are the

meek', heh, heh, heh.  And then they crucified him.  They

bellowed through the helium balloon's loud horn speakers. `Oh

God why have you put four stakes in me, and the scribes up

the back misheard and wrote down Jesus said `Oh God why have

you forsaken me.' Then the Gee-sus Baa loon deflated and the

mice were crushed and suffocated.' Gee a bit sus ay, ain't I

just a wicked Devil heh, heh, heh. Say-tan gives me a bad

case of Son-burn."



The great spaceship galleon Saffron that brought Superlan

666 to earth, hovered over Babylon. It heard the call of the

Devil that it's head had healed, and so took off to the USA.

It hovered over the barren city, of New York that had been

mortally wounded by Nuclear attack, and was deemed the

badlands. For mankind was banished from her, for her soil was

soured, with radiation poisoning, and no man had entered that

city for years. The spaceship opened a port, and an

antimatter, scourer beam scanned the once great city of New

York. It ate the radiation. The soil became sweet, and

mankind was once again able to enter the great city of New

York.  Everybody marvelled, at the city that had been

mortally wounded, but now had been healed. The men who wore

the seal of Superlan 666, worshiped him day and night for his

good deed. They worked constantly, to rebuild this city that

had once been one of the greatest cities on earth.  The

spaceship galleon, Saffron had performed it's final mission.

It left the earth's atmosphere, and was never seen or heard

from on earth again.



>From within the earth, a great plague of mutant European

wasp-hornet crosses, arose, for they were the failed

experiment of geneticists who were tinkering with the species

genes. The wasps grew in abundance, for man had been splicing

the sex genes, and testing growth factors. Their population

had grown out of control. They stung all mankind, except the

144,000, for they had the protection of force fields. The

news report on the hornsynths sounded.



Reporter: "The plague of mutant wasps, is the result of a

genetic experiment, to eradicate spider plagues, for they

were developed to attack and carry off spiders.  However the

buzzing of their wings, sets off your hand LAN, and crown

LAN, ultrasonic transmitters, and this noise attracts the

wasps, and makes them hostile. They sting their victims,

repeatedly. We recommend you stay in doors, until these pests

are eradicated.  The experts say the wasps were developed, to

carry off spiders from the synth towers.  They infest the

towers, and block the infrared and ultrasonic senders. The

wasps have been genetically bred, to be attracted to the

ultrasonic transmitter frequency, of the towers, but not to

your handlan, and crownlan transmitters.  However it appears

that they have mutated, and are now attracted to them. They

interpret your handlan and crownlan's as sexual mating calls,

and attack because they think your lans, are  a hornet of the

same sex. They want to kill your bead.  Please don't try to

attack them, for this will attract the swarm, and make

matters worse."



But the hornet's sex genes were out of control, and unstable,

and the plague only lasted for five months. The wasps' rapid

growth factor, had caused rapid mutations. They could no

longer reproduce, so died out.



Hornet victim: "Curse you Christ, these pests are a pain."



The victims frantically swatted at the wasps, and dived for

cover. The wasps were like beasts, prepared for battle, for

they had golden heads, and faces like men, with long hair and

mouths full of vicious teeth, and hard breast plates for

bellies, the buzzing of their wings were deafening, and they

had tails with stings like scorpions.



One of the wasps, says to the other,



Hornet 1: "Those hand buzzers drive me crazy, Wish they

wouldn't point them at us. I got such a fright, I dropped

five spiders last week. Bastards."



Hornet 2: "Yeah bar studs, let's give 'em hell. With my stick

pin sting in their bums they won't be able to sit down for

weeks. Bonzai....Whore nets away."



They took off, and dive bombed the men who had shown their

hand and crown lans, to the tower. They stung the hell out of

them.



The Marquis de Sadedamn came dressed in a thick clinging

protective suit with a helmut on.  He came up from the

Euphrates river and went tip tip toeing through the pussy

willow patch, across the oil field and set the oil well a

light.



Marquis de Sadedamn: " The False Prophet he does but make

fire come down from the sky as oft as he likes. I make fire

rise up to the sky as oft as I like, heh, heh, heh, heh."



He came to the edge of the city and stuck a pussy willow

right up the hornets behind.



Hornet 1: "Agggghhhhhh, look what you've done, you should be

stung.  How would you like a broomstick shoved up your bum."



Suddenly his suit split along the seams of his behind and the

hornets chased the Marquis de Sadedamn across the oil field

across the pussy willow patch until he jumped into the river

Euphrates while all along he was holding his bum.



Suddenly Heim Hacknee appeared and laughed and laughed while

drinking soda pop. He belched and three magical singing frogs

jumped out of his mouth and swallowed the hornets. One frog

jumped on a power pole and shorted out the transformer and

was magically absorbed into the power grid in a puff of

smoke.



Frog 1: " Ribbet, ribbet I'm a whore-knee toad, who is about

to unload my AC/DC high voltage solution upon the earth, I'll

be back in black Hah, hah, hah."



He fused and turned black generating much spark and

smoke in the air. Another frog leapt into a TV screen like

entering a fish tank. It deposited eggs which hatched then

mutated quickly into frogs and leapt out of thousands of

television screens imploding splintering glass on the floor

in a suicide leap in lounge rooms all over the city.



The last frog was a mutant pit bull frog that went around

town to town picking fights with all the earths kings.



Frog 3: " Ribbet, ribbet I'm Cain the toad, the killer pit

bull frog, do yo wanna' fight? I'll jump down your throat and

bloat until I burst unless you sign up for the great war of

the Lord dude.



All the kings in the area didn't argue with the frog.



Heim: " I'm the key Mars-stir, Heh, heh, heh. Prepare for my

a-pock-aghhhh-lips. I've kissed and released the three frogs,

and they give me war-oughts. "



Of course all these frog sightings were a mere mass hypnosis

hallucination used by the False Prophet to dupe the masses.

All who saw them felt shivers go up their spine, and no

longer knew what to believe. Could they trust their own eyes?





                      Chapter 12



All those who received the mark, of Superlan 666, soon were

infested with the foul, malignant sores of venereal disease.

For they used their prostitutes daily. They liked their

pleasures of the flesh, so took no precautions, for they were

drunk with the mesmer of lust from hornsynths, lasersynths

and gassynths plus good old fashioned drugs. They were too

out of touch with reality, to seek proper medical attention.

Few doctors remained in the cities. Most doctors had retreated

to the Christian communes, to help the sick, and poor, but

rich in spirit.  News reports on the hornsynths sounded.



Reporter: "Venereal disease in the cities has reached

epidemic proportions, since the rapid growth of the

prostitution industry, under the wing of Superlan 666.  The

shortage of trained medical staff, and lack of safe, sexual

practices, have been blamed for this epidemic.



Tragically, a shift in the earths' plates, and the result of

man stripping vegetation from the earth, has caused the

global salt plains to rise. The water table has unbalanced on

earth, and the salt concentration turned the seas red, like

blood.  Out of the salt the red algae did grow, and so did

it's bud which looks like a grape, but is the color of

blood. It turned one sixth the rivers and seas the color of

blood. The waters turned bitter and poisoned with the algaes

wormwood litter. All fish died and are washed up with the

tides. The fish were fried and some people died. Thank God for

the Devil's mineral water, it's saved us from these bloody

waters. Maybe it's rich with the hemoglobin of blood, from

the millions of dead bodies washed into the oceans, from

recent volcanic eruptions on a global scale.  Experts say it

is too early to know, if the effects are reversible.  They

blame the destruction of the Amazon rain forests, and other

natural forests, around the world, as having unbalanced the

earth's water table. They say this caused the shift in the

salt plains.  Scientists also blame the recent earthquakes,

volcanic eruptions and lightning storms which brought the

largest bush fires in man's history, to have contributed to

the high pollution of the earth's waterways.  No one has an

explanation other than a shift of the earths' plates as the

cause for the rise in earthquakes and volcanic eruptions

though some believe the day of judgement is dawning. They say

the earth bleeds from the core from the greed, and rape of

the land by mankind."



The hornsynths played heavy metal music.



Hornsynths: `Hells bells sings a mean tune, they bring the

fire of hell, up in a mushroom.  The oil wells, are a black

pit of hell, makes the earth smell like hell.  Tinker with

hornet, and they'll give you a sting, tinker with genetics

does a really mean thing.  The hole in the atmosphere can't

be contained, brings the fire of hell, down on your brain. It

will really cook you. It will really choke you.  Industry is

the name of the game.'



The ozone eating toxins of industry, hit a critical level,

and a gaping hole appeared in the ozone layer, and the sun

scorched men, as with fire. The followers' of the beasts,

blasphemed the name of the Galactic King Jesus, for these

plagues on the earth.



666 Follower: "Fuck you Jesus, this sunburn is the pits.

Can't go to the beach without a bloody trench coat and floppy

hat.  Damn you Christ."



Great darkness fell upon the earth, for great clouds of steam

enveloped the earth , and formed a dark fog, and the steam

was unbearably hot. For acid rain filled with, carbon

monoxide, hydrogen sulphide and sulphuric acid filled the

atmosphere.  Men felt suffocated and in pain, from the

discomfort of the foul killer fog. Some parts of the world

had become tropical paradises however and everybody there was

having a good time.  The news reports on the hornsynths

sounded.



Reporter: "Experts at the Bureau of Meteorology, have warned

that a large puncture in the ozone layer, has accounted for

the unusual weather disturbances lately. The bureau suggests,

you don't drive, or leave your home in these killer fog

conditions. Cover up from head to toe, if you insist on

travelling in these conditions. Alternatively move further

north or south and enjoy their new island paradise. Bananas

are growing in abundance there, relax and go make love with

the local Lanabelle's the haw of whores.  "



The Marquis de Sadedamn took a space shuttle for a joy ride,

hundreds were available for joy rides, but usually with

permission not taken on the sly.  He reached the Star Wars

satellite above the great river Euphrates. He tapped the

satellite on the side with a spanner, and pried until the

satellite's laser beam fired.



Marquis de Sadedamn: " Heim he makes fire come down from the

sky. I too make fire come down from the sky. Look the great

river Euphrates below me has been fried. Heh, heh, heh, heh,

heh."



The river vaporized before his very eyes, bellows of steam

did rise up into the sky.



Reporter: " A malfunction, caused by changes in the

atmosphere, has caused a circuit failure, in a laser gun

satellite, of the US Star Wars project, and a great laser

beam shone down upon the earth, and dried up the river

Euphrates.  The laser vaporized the water, and it has fed a

steamy fog, that envelopes the earth.  The USA President, made

a speech apologizing to all nations."



US President: "People of the earth, we apologize for the

failure of the Star Wars project, to maintain a fail safe

system.  I've ordered an immediate enquiry, into why our

state of the art technology, has failed us?"



Reporter: "Soviet sources condemn the US, for building the

Star Wars project, and said all along, it should never have

been built.  The poor decision making, of the US President,

speaks for itself, they said.  The loss of a river, is a good

luck stroke, for the US, for it could have been worse and

destroyed a city."



Heim Hacknee wandered around, from city to city, and his

special seal which was a LAN, had special access rights to

the internet, which he knew intimately. He used to talk with

the creative circuits of his brain, and modulate the

hornsynths, the mouth and ears of the internet, and modulate

the lasersynths, the eyes of the internet. He also modulated

the gassynths. He mesmerized the masses with his twisted

creations, of his mind's making. Strange ghoulish, and foul

smelling images, came on the street.  Profanity after

profanity oozed from his mouth. Eerie modern choir music

oozed from his mind, like congealed puss. People scattered in

fear at his presence. The hornsynths sounded.



Heim: 'Six, six, six rules the land, for he is a man, the

perfect LAN.  Take away the Christian seeds, to 666 their

imperfect weeds.  They hate our wondrous technology. They

want to destroy, you and me. So we seek and destroy those

Christian seeds. Go ahead and fulfil my deed. Go and fulfill,

my prophecy.'



The drums beat a fearsome beat, and people were hypnotized

into hating the Christians.  The False Prophet, brought laser

fire, down from the hornsynth towers, in the streets. People

scurried in fear of him, because he was truly an evil man.

This thrilled his ego, and he sang his hornsynth chant to

express his contentment.



Heim: `Her whores and hee haws who have the organ the size of

my ass, come hear my Heir-V met-all music. Who can beat the

LAN of light, I scold you with laser fire.  666 is my man, he

gives me access to this LAN. Worship him.  Worship him.

Worship him who rules this land. The man who is a perfect LAN.

If you don't you better scram, for we wear his seal, in crown

and hand."



A disrespectful merchant spoke.



Merchant: "What's that awful smell.  It's that False Prophet

man again.  What is he doing.  Clown and ham, Clown and ham.

Must think he's a nouveau happy, clappy or something. I

prefer the Hare Krishna at least they just bang dishes and

chant their good wishes. Heim's a fire wielding wizard who

sings like a lizard was stuck down his britches. His heavy

metal shit band is the scourge of this land. I wish some

country and western clown would take over this town. Pay him

no attention, and maybe, he'll go away."


Horn synth Heim: " Christ has sent his 144,000 wit-Nesses who

have not been defiled by women, for they must be straight

soup-her woman from the twelve tribes of the shining

superstars of is-ray-Elle as their weren't any virgin men

left in due-rue-Salem that day.  They are all sect-see street

walking tar-arts who are able to pick up Sir-pence with their

bare hands, and they can drink poise-Son con-sect-rated red

wine with a good body every day, and still not die heh, heh,

heh. When they speak with men knee, tongues hanging out of

their heads, those men lay prostrate before them for they

were all sects sirens with goal den voices.  The 144,000 are

protected species because they wear live baby Gee-sus fur

seals on their foreheads.  They don't have to worry about the

sect-conned death for they all have a sole and every sole has

the heel-in pow-whirr.  Cobblers did I hear you say?  Huh,

huh, huh.  Thanks for listening to the False Prophet."



The Christian, underground movement, often made raids on LAN

lines, that fed the internet pathways, and sabotaged them.

They were sick of waiting for the return of Christ, so felt

something had to be done now, to destroy the BEAST. The LAN

lines were protected by barbed wire, and electrified fences.

LAN line patrols drove up and down the lines day and night.

They shot anyone on sight, as ordered by Superlan 666.  So

this sabotage was a very precarious business, and many

Christians died for their cause. Others were captured and

handed over to the evil emperor Superlan 666, who called them

'his Christian toys' and with great pleasure executed them by

various means.



One day, an electric truck, carrying a Christian rebel to the

evil emperor's palace, had failed to secure it's rear doors

properly. The rebel kicked it open, and jumped out when the

car was parked at traffic lights. He had his hands

handcuffed, behind his back, and started to run down the

street. The synth tower's, infrared movement, detection

circuits which were in it's eyes that glowed red in the dark,

picked up his presence. They could not get any response from

any handlan or crownlan, transponder, for he had no mark.  It

immediately interpreted the rebel's presence to be a rodent,

or feral cat or dog. It began shooting laser fire at him. It

then re-evaluated the size of the target and interpreted it

to be the image of a man.  The hornsynth sounded.



Hornsynth: `Stop, illegal alien, stand still, or laser fire

will continue.'



He kept running.

Hornsynth: `Stop or I'll shoot, I'll cut off your arms.'



Christian: "I can live without my arms."



The laser fired and his severed arms fell to the ground and

still he kept running.



Hornsynth: ` Stop or I'll fire, I'll sever your thighs.'



Christian: "I can live without my thighs."



His legs severed to stumps, he fell with a thump.



Hornsynth: `Stop rolling, or I'll sever your neck.'



Christian: "I can live without my neck."



His head was severed and went for a roll.



Christian: "I can't really live without my neck. OK so I'm

dead. You stone headed slime. I'm heading for heaven we're my

head will be on all of the time."



His spirit caught up in a space time vortex, he went to

heaven along the path that was shortest.



Guard 1: "Gees these martyrs can be real smart arses."



Guard 2: " He's a smart head Fred, if you can't tell a smart

head from a smart arse. I'll clean up the head, and you can

clean up the arse off that yonder path."



His dead carcass lay in the street.  The security guards with

the mark of the beast, ran up to see him.



Guard 1: "He's luckier dying here than in the hands of the

emperor.  Call the head security officer, for this sector, to

switch off the synth tower, so we can safely remove his

carcass off the street."



For they didn't want the laser guns being triggered, by them

carrying his carcass.



Guard 2: "Sector 513, respond please over, Got a dead rebel

escapee in your sector, over.  Need the synth tower outed, to

clear his carcass, over.  OK, 513 see you soon, over and

out."



Now the synth towers were golden statues, in the shape of the

statue of liberty, in honor of the great city of New York

that perished in the flames of a nuclear explosion. The

Captains of industry donated them to 666, as a reminder, to

what had happened to New York , before the internet was

hacker proof.  They had unwittingly taken man's freedom from

them, and handed it over to a machine. This machine called

the internet, was renamed LIBERTY by 666, it was deemed the

perfect network that ruled the world with an iron fist.  The

fist of a statue, that stretched high in the sky. The fist

had a gun in each palm and foot, it's a sender of pain, unlike

Christ who is a receiver of pain. It was the symbol of the

Antichrist. Men no longer had rights, they were ruled

entirely by machine.  Nothing short of divine intervention,

could save mankind now.  The evil one duped, the people into

worshiping the LAN, by calling the LAN Liberty.  The mark of

the beast was coined hand liberty, and crown liberty, and all

who traversed the city had to pay homage to the statue of

Liberty, for freedom of the city.  For the correct protocol,

was to show your crown or hand, in an upright salute, to the

statue and say the words "Heil Liberty." If you refused to

show your mark, the ultrasonic transponder failed to lock in

to the towers circuits. The infrared sensors would then

trigger the hornsynth to say 'Stop, illegal alien, show your

mark.  Now pay your respect to Liberty.' If you failed to do

so, the laser gun fired upon you, and forced you to submit to

Liberty.  Just as Adolph Hitler, had forced men to salute to

his image, and chant "Zeig Heil!" the Antichrist forced

mankind to salute the LAN called Liberty.



A group of cybo punks, marched goose step style past the synth

tower. The synth tower bellowed.



Hornsynth: `Show your mark, before you pass.'



Group leader: "Ok fellows, mark time"



They marked time, and they saluted Liberty in unison to show

their marks.



Group: "Heil Liberty."



Fool: "Heil Hitler."



The fool in their midst was singled out by the synthtower.



Hornsynth: `Blasphemy, I am a jealous God.  You'll Heil no

one but me.'



The laser gun fired on him, and devoured him in scorching,

searing heat.  As they marched on they said to each other



Group member: "Jesus, to think the Emperor wants to put one

of them, in each lounge room.  I'll become a Christian, and

leave this God forsaken place, if he does that."



Dr. Hoo was walking on the outskirts leaving the city when a

young lady dressed in battle gear was entering the city, from

the wilderness side of town. The statue Liberty said to her



Hornsynth: `Stop.  Show your mark.'



Tess: "I bare my behind to no one."





Hornsynth: 'Not your birth mark your handlan, I've got a

laser gun.'



Tess: "Call that a gun.  Now this is a gun."



She pulled a rocket launcher from her bag like grease

lightning, and blew Liberty's head clean off.



Tess: "Things have got worse, in the city, since I last

visited.  Think I'll go back bush, and lay low for awhile."



Dr. Hoo had been watching her and spoke to her.



Dr. Hoo: "Do you mind if we join you. Your Australian aren't

you.  I recognize the accent. Angela here is one of your

fellow country men. Don't worry, we're not from here either.

We're just visiting."



Tess: "OK, I could use some company."



Angela: "What's your name?"



Tess: "Taipan Tess."



Angela: "I'm Angela and this is Dr. Hoo."



They wandered off together in to the wilderness.



Angela: The way you handred that gun, you must be a fan of

Paul Hogan's Crocodire Dundee."



Tess: "Yes, I watched Crocodile Dundee 143 times for free on

my video machine then the clock and dials went bung on me."



Angela: "Did you send it back."



Tess: " Yes, but it kept returning. I should have known

better than to buy Boomerang brand. I should have bought one

made in your homeland Japan. "



Angela: " They're good at tracking."



Tess: " I like the black one's like the ad for Akai The Black

Tracker. You never have to send him back, he knows every

track like the back of his hands, ha, ha, ha."



Angela: "A product of the Japanese invasion of Australia."



Tess: "Yeah, It's a DAT, Akai the black fella says DAT black

tracker ain't ever comin' backa. He's a gonna for good.

Unlike Boomerang DAT returns all of their goods.



Angela: " I had a Brack Ninja TV because Akai the brack fella

says DAT brack ninja aborigines have better color vision

than you and me. I didn't know aborigines spoke Japanese

until I see Akai on TV. Ha, ha, ha. How did you become named

Taipan Tess?"



Tess: "I was on a camping trip in Queensland on a picnic at

Hanging Rock when our tour guide was faced by a deadly Taipan

snake which charged at him from one hundred metres away. I

stepped in front of him, and caught the snake in mid air, as

it lunged at him. I broke it's back against a tree. Since that

day they've called me Taipan Tess."



Angela: "Wow, how on earth did you learn to catch snakes?"



Tess: "My father taught me how to catch flies in mid air. I

found the transition from flies to snakes a matter of

necessity, after my doll Lanabelle told me I was an asp

catcher for a goddess and one day there would be a test. I

knew that taipan was the test.  A spirit of the moment

decision, to save a fellow traveller's life enveloped me.

See this whistle it was given to me by my father. When I

play it I dream the Flash is my sash doing his flash dance

behind my back, he give me lightning speed reactions."



Angela: "That's amazing, Tess. The Doctor and I could

really use someone with your tarents."



Dr. Hoo: "Tess, in a previous life I was a black cat called

Black Amber, before that I was an asp called Black Mamba. So I

guess we have something in common. See if you can catch me."



He sprinted off and Tess pursued him. She was gaining on him

and did a rugby tackle that brought Dr. Hoo too the ground.

Dr. Hoo spotted something in Tess's bag, on her back.



Dr. Hoo: "What's those magazines you've got, poking out of

your bag, Miss Tess?"



Tess: "They're my most prized possession, my Black Mamby.

They're my Superman comics.  I'm a collector welcome to my

collection. Ooooo you do have an erection."



Dr. Hoo: "No you'd know about it if I did, I'm just big. May I

read them?"



Tess: "Why, yes of course you can. I'm a prostrate tute my

Black Mamby Pamby, but I like you so much I'm offering myself

with out payment.  How about when Angela's asleep tonight you

collect my rent from my single bed in your STARDUST, I'm

bust as you can see. ( She exposed her large buxsom breasts to

him.  )"



Dr. Hoo: " I see your bust, and I promise my lust will be a

rich and rewarding experience. Miss Tess I'm a horny toad

ready to explode. I can hardly wait to collect the rent and

guess who'll have to work hard cos' you've over spent Tess."



Tess: " I'm a lady of sex-peer-he-rents, you mark my words."



The Doctor began reading them all, as they sat on a sand dune

resting.  Angela looked less than impressed.



Dr. Hoo: "You know, there's some amazing parallels between

Superman and Superlan 666. It's given me a brilliant idea."



Tess: "What did you have in mind, Doctor?"



Dr. Hoo: "That would be telling. How would you like to give

those magazines as a gift to Superlan 666."



Tess: "No way, that evil man with all those evil synth

towers.  I hate him."



Dr. Hoo: "Forgive him, and you yourself will be forgiven for

your sins said the little old wine drinker to me remember I

was the black cat who carried his cross.


Tess: " He must have been dying to meet you."


Dr. Hoo: " Give 666 the gift and Jesus shall surely fulfill

your dreams.  For you would have forgiven your enemy.  Or are

you too scared to face your enemy? Come on let's go not far to

go now."



Tess who had great beauty and great pride turned red with

rage, and showed her ugly side. She stood up and leaned

towards the Doctor and yelled.



Tess: "I'm scared of no man. I'll give 666 the gift to prove

I have great faith in Jesus. I fear no evil. I fear no man."



Dr. Hoo: "Alright, at the next Robo- Slay Stadium  meeting

that 666 attends.  I want you to give him your Superman

comics then. Look there's the STARDUST that wasn't a long

trip was it?"



Hippie: "Hi man, I licked off all the mustard, the last bit

tasted really rank."



Dr. Hoo: "That must have been Pennington's sneeze. Here have

ten dollars."



Hippie: " Thanks, man. See you around. I'm going to buy some

more dope with this cash. Oh by the way a strange lady named

Lana rang and said it's time to shampoo Grand dad's dead

bear.  "



Dr. Hoo: "Oh what a surprise, I'm surprised she didn't

hypnotize you. Why don't you stay and hitch a lift to the

Christian camps with us Bill?"



Hippie: "No man I don't believe in fairy tales, I'm quite

happy here with Budgie bong, wandering along the out skirts of

Babylon. Bye, see yuh around."



Angela, Tess, Dr. Hoo: "Good-bye Bill."



Dr. Hoo: "Angela, would you like to shampoo the bear rug?"



Angela: " Dr. Hoo, you've got a rot to rearn about riberated

Japanese radies."



Dr. Hoo: " Hey, I'm a liberated man, Angela."



Angela and Tess: "That's what they all say. Until a bit of

elbow grease is involved."



Dr. Hoo: "Tess, you could help me."



Tess: " Don't look at me, I'll make the tea and look on this

should be very entertaining."



Angela: "Here's the bucket, there's the water the shampoos on

the shelf with the scrubbing brush, so go do it yourself."



Dr. Hoo: "Alright, I see I'm not going to win."



Angela: "You missed a bit, scrub harder. That's too much

water. What about the border?"



Dr. Hoo picks up the bucket of soapy water and tips it over

Tess's head.



Tess: "Hey, why me she was the one hassling not me?"



Dr. Hoo: "I want your hair to smell nice for the king, I

wouldn't even piss on Angela I'm that pissed off with her."



Angela: " Diddums doctor."





Tess and Angela both tickled the Doctor and had a playful

fight with him. He lapped the attention up like a sponge.



Dr. Hoo and Tess made love that night under the stars while

Angela slept like a log.





The next Robo- Slay Stadium meeting approached and Dr.  Hoo,

and Angela entered the STARDUST while Taipan Tess glued a

handlan bead to her hand, and she kissed the Doctor and made

her way to the Robo-Slay Stadium. Many of the marked men and

women practised sorcery.  Voodoo kits appeared which consisted

of miniature robots and voodoo dolls.  The robots could be

programmed to stick pins in the dolls at pre-programmed times

and could be programmed to repeat digitized vocal incantations

from ancient witchcraft recipe books digitally burnt in. The

doll would have hair or nails of their victim glued with

witches' brew glue bought by the pot full, and were popular

toys in the cities of 666.  They were a number one best

seller.  Taipan Tess was approached by an old woman, selling

these evil creations.



Old witch: "Would you like to buy a voodoo, robot kit you

pretty young witch?"



Tess: "Stick it where it best fits."



Old witch: "Up your arse you stupid bitch."



The witch went to throw a doll at Tess but accidently switched

it on. It stuck a needle in her hand and stuck fast she waived

her arm all over the place while writhing around in agony.



Tess briskly marched by. She entered the Robo- Slay Stadium

which was very noisy, and crowded.  The popular sport here

was throwing Christian' captives in a stadium to do battle

with weapon wielding robots.  The robots moved through a line

maze via remote controlled joysticks mounted in the stadium.

The Christian gladiators had to out maneuver the robots and

make it through to the centre of the maze unharmed. They then

could select one of three rocket back packs to blast off and

fly out of the city to freedom.  Patrons took bets of 1/1 if

the gladiator made it to the centre. 20/1 if they were killed

by a robot.  Maximum odds were given to a gladiator that

explodes like a firecracker in mid-flight because one of the

back pack's was booby trapped to explode, thirty seconds

after rocket ignition. The odds given by the emperor's

bookies for this was 66/1. If a Christian gladiator escaped

from the city with a rocket back pack, the odds given were

22/1. Most Christians made it to the centre of the maze

unharmed. Few were bold enough to try the rocket packs though

mainly because they didn't like people getting rich over their

martyrdom.  The robots were of several varieties.  There were

the drillers with a worm gear, spiral, drill cones on their

chest.  There were the slashers which carried a sword, and

axe wielders that constantly swung it like a pendulum to and

fro, as they moved along, traversing the maze.  Then there

were the ball spinners that spun balls on chains with sharp,

needle pointed studs, evenly spaced over each ball.  These

robots constantly spun their balls in large circles, to keep

the Christians at bay.  The game was played amidst heavy

metal music, choreographed to the fearsome, frenzied

meanderings of the evil robots, around the maze.  They were

on a seek and destroy Christian mission.  People paid high

prices to participate in the game, by using the joystick

control panels. Big prizes were given to those who slayed the

Christians on this robot battlefield including a cannibal

dinner with the king.



The STARDUST suddenly appeared at the centre of the maze.

Superlan 666 stood up in amazement. Taipan Tess moved like a

cat, and weaved through the crowd like a guided missile.

Even the guards did not notice, as they were distracted by

the STARDUST. She walked past them, and straight up to 666.

The guards surrounded her, and placed guns against her head.

She calmly spoke to the guards.



Tess: "( Lana: Hip no ties, look into my eyes, zip no flies,

accept my gift, no ties no lies. ) I have a gift for our

king."



Superlan 666 saw her, and was so besotted by her beauty and

Lana's witchery, he beckoned to the guards to release her.

She smiled and handed him her gift.



Tess: "These are a most, prized possession of mine. I'm sure

you'll enjoy reading them."



He smiled back.



666: "Thank you."



She then quietly slipped away, as quickly as she had come.

Superlan 666's attention immediately swung back to the

STARDUST.



666: "What is this contraption doing in my stadium, send in a

robocopter to attack them."



Heim looked down at the spectacle from the sign he'd just been

firing up some for 666.  The sign flashed and glowed with the

following message.



    THE PRINTS OF PEACE HAS THE HEEL IN POW-WHIRR TO SAVE YOUR SOLE

       ----------- _  _  _ _  _ _ _ _ _ .- - - - - - - .
     /   .---.    |                                      \           An
    /  /   |   \  |                                        \
   /  /    |    \ |                                          \    Arty Fact
   |  \   / \   / |               o                           |
    \  \ /   \ /  |                                          /     handed
      \   - -     |                                         /
       \__________|- - - - - - -  -  .                    /         down
                                         -    _  _ _ _. /
                                                                     to
        ----------- _  _  _ _  _ _ _ _ _ .- - - - - - - .





                      Chapter 13



One night, a stunningly, beautiful, young woman was found

wandering near the Christian, rebel's camp. She spoke to a

Christian guard.



Lana: "Could you take me to see the great James Fredericks

whom I admire. I was a hooker for the Superlan 666 regime,

but have seen the light, and decided to repent, and become a

Christian."



Guard: "Why do you want to see Mr. Fredericks?"



Lana: "I have a secret document stolen from the palace of

Superlan 666, and wish only to give it to James Fredericks.

He is the only man I trust with the information."



So they took the woman to James Fredericks who greeted her

warmly. He recognized her immediately and grabbed her in his

arms.



Lana: "Hi remember me, I'm Lanabelle Hainsley."



James: "Lana, how could I ever forget you, it's been so long.

"





Lana: " Yes James, how sweet, you do remember me. I chose my

prostitution name to conceal my identity. My mother would

kill me, if she knew I was a hooker, so I changed my name to

Lanabelle the whore, to use when I'm cock broking while doing

inside her trading down whore street."



James: "Lanabelle, so you want to be a Christian then and be

like your boyfriend.  We must get rid of that evil bead from

your hand, as soon as we can."



He was hooked, her stunning, beauty besotted him, and he felt

immense passion in her presence.  They were alone in his

quarters, and Lanabelle gave him the stolen document.



Lana: " It's a plan of Babylon, and all it's LAN

installations written in Hellonian, James."





James was thrilled at this, and kissed her on the lips their

tongues entwined they tasted like wine, and she embraced him,

she would not let him go.



James: "This is going to be a great help in conquering the

beast Lana"



She pressed herself against him, and passionately kissed him

again. He then pushed her away.



James: "I've got a wife and child, Lana. "



Lana: "I don't want to marry you, I want to fuck you James.

Hip no ties, Zips no flies. Lanabelle thrives. I'll make you

go, for I am your mistress. You will obey."



She then sung her song of temptation, while doing her erotic

dance which she had learned in Babylon.



Lana: "Do you want to taste my lips, watch me unpeel my zips.

( James: Spill wine, this girl tastes divine. )  Do you want

to ride me high, look me right in the eyes. ( James: Still

wine, take this urn, still wine, this girl burns. ) Come out

to the fields, and taste of me.  ( James: I get my thrill, on

Blueberry hill.  ) Come and satisfy me. ( James: On Blueberry

hill.  On Blueberry hill I get under your skin, don't tip at

your till, I miss your thrill. On Blueberry hill.) Feel your

passion rise, look me close in the eye, come and play with

me, deedle, dee.  For your temperature is climbing high, and

you are passionately primed, now it's time, to taste my

pleasure centre so divine, come and lay with me. So giggle,

diggle, dee, giggle, diggle, die, look me right, in the eye,

and say you'll deny, the pleasure of my wine. So come out

into the hills obtain your thrills, come and play with me,

diggle dill.  Do you want to taste my lips, come have a sip,

watch me wiggle my hips, undo my zip.  A wiggle, giggle, dee,

a wiggle, giggle die, come and fly with a lady of the night.

Come take my hand, it's a hot summer's night. I'll take you

on a divine flight through the night.  So come out in the

hills, obtain your thrills, come and lay with lady of free

will, so come and lay with me.  Come lay with a divine lady,

ee ee.  Come make love with me ee ee.  The greatest pleasures

in life are free. When Venus rises high in the sky, there's a

Lanabelle surprise tipped on it's side in the sky, Orion's

eye is on my wine, come dive through the sky, come and taste

of my wine, with me.  Follow me through these trees, follow

me through these fields so free, over the hills, over the

dales, let's pretend we're both Chip and Dale. Now we're a

pair of nightingales, so let's sail past hill and dale.  Come

follow me we're now scrawny swallows, frolicking around

through thorny hollows, come on a frolick with me."



James could not help himself he was over awed with passion,

and followed her into the hills, to make love to her. She

took him far away from the camp.



Lana: "Close your eyes, I have a surprise."



Then he heard an evil male laugh. He looked up and before his

eyes was Heim Hacknee, the False Prophet standing before him,

with a laser gun. The evil emperor's soldiers surrounded him,

and handcuffed his hands behind his back.



Lana: "Fancy my pussy now? Hah, ha, ha"



Heim: "Not likely, your off to Babylon where we'll fuck your

brains out."



Lanabelle pulled out the bankcard credit card slip he'd signed

all those years ago and tore it up.



Lana: "You fool, you Christians were so easily duped. Devil

got your tongue, James. I love the strong silent types heh,

heh. I'll give you a farewell kiss. Remember this slip where

even now."



Lana whispered in his ear.



Lana: "Don't worry about him. ( She let's her eyes do the

pointing to Heim. ) my boyfriend will look after you James? (

Her pointer finger points to the sky. ) "



James stood quietly, and showed no fear, for he was filled

with God's spirit.



Heim: "Here's your 2 million dollar credits, Lanabelle. ( He

throws a credit card on the ground. ) Your reward for

capturing public enemy number one.  That'll keep you off the

streets for a while you horrible whore."



Heim Hacknee smiled.



Lana: "I'm the rooter of rooters, and the collector of roots,

and from you James, I have already collected. Remember our

little affair all those years ago I never collect twice. As

for you Heim remember you don't live twice."



Heim: "Do you like my ring, tell your problems to the king

over dinner, Miss Lana Myer, then have a good cry."





She winked at James, and left quietly. James vowed himself to

silence and thought of Jesus Christ.



(Choir: Tripidipeedee Doublecrossdee, she is the Judas of

the family. The betrayer of betrayers destroys the family.

The Lord gives her double odds of vengeance you'll see.

Babylon the whore, the city of the whore. Shall be no more,

forever, ever more. To make way, for the return of the Lord.

The Lord will keep his word, he vanquishes with a sword.)



So James Fredericks was taken to Babylon where he was beaten

up, and placed in prison, awaiting his execution.



Dr. Hoo spoke to Angela at the rebel camp.



Dr. Hoo: "James has been captured. We must act fast. I've

been contacted by Setoria of what to do. Go get Taipan Tess

and we'll be off."



Angela: "That's terrible, OK Doctor. Whatever we must do, we

must do."



She went off and got Tess and they all took off together in

the STARDUST.

( Choir: "Dr. Hoo ah, and the STARDUST. Dr. Hoo ah, and the

STARDUST. Dr. Hoo ah, Dr. Hoo. )



The STARDUST landed in a large bedroom suite in the emperor's

palace.



Dr. Hoo: "Tess, I know your as quick as lightening. Take this

bottle of ether, and pour some on this rag. There's a court

comedian named Ian Hamlan, outside the door of the STARDUST. I

want you to subdue him. Go."



The door burst open and Tess in a whisker of a second had

placed the rag against the mouth and grabbed around the neck

the man standing outside.  Together they tied him up, and

taped his mouth.  Dr. Hoo dressed in Ian Hamlan's Arabic

robes.



Dr. Hoo: "I'm going to play court comedian today, and give a

royal command performance to king Ian."



Angela: "Your mad, Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "You may be right, some do think I'm crazy, but I

just maybe the lunatic their looking for Miss Angela."



Angela: " I hope you make a more convincing crown than a

Billy Joel Doctor."



Tess: "Good luck Doctor. ( They kiss. ) "





There was a parade through the city of Babylon led by

Lanabelle riding on that old Devil's back, and towing along a

circus cage with James Fredericks inside. On the roof of the

circus cage stood the False Prophet bowing and cheering the

crowds on.  Following was a hand held chariot of gold,

covered with royal red drapes, carrying their king Ian.

There was much singing and dancing in the streets.



Heim: "We're thrilled to have captured our arch enemy Mr.

Antilan himself, the bruised black, and blue banana himself

James Fredericks."



The False Prophet sang the following song.



Heim: "Who can beat 666, Not Mr. Antilan, James Fredericks.

Not Uncle Sam, or Jesus Lamb. 666 is our man. The man who is

a perfect LAN. Give your vote to the Goat. He's the king with

the most. Ian the evil, is the one.  Forever more his kingdom

come. James Fredericks is the Christian prick, came unstuck

because of his dick. Adultery is his favorite sin, eternal

fire surely stings. James Fredericks is sure to win, hell and

damnation a fiery binge. Hah, ha hah. Presenting to you

the court comedian Ian Hamlan whose expected to give a roast,

and a toast to our king."



Dr. Hoo: "Yes I'm here to give a roast, and a toast to our

host with the most. Our king of networks Superlan 666.

There's Ian the evil, with Heim the swine, who blew New York

sky high. Now he spends all day protecting a piece of New

York on every street corner, to remind him of it's loss.

Liberty, boppety, boo, he plays a fiery tune to you.  Turned

his shares in to flares.  Turned the United Nations into

the ignited nations, and the Wall Street stash, into a Wall

Street flash.  Do you suppose he feels guilty for his sins

against man? No, that's why he's king Ian's right hand man.

He protects the LAN not man.  Loves LAN's more than man.

There's the Devil who pretended to be Nessie, he is very,

very messy. He puts a fart on, that would put a new part on

your head, and doesn't even say, pardon me.  Does he bury his

droppings, he must drop whoppings, ask Heim he takes the old

Devil for walkies every day do you carry a shovel?



Heim: "We employ a shit kicker to pick up the Devil's dung.

It's great fuel for barbecues."



Dr. Hoo: "Barbecue poo, must look for it down the market.

Whores and fellow rogues who else has got a pet with seven

heads.  Which head to pat, which head to feed, his dental

floss, must make Heim scream, 'I want a new boss.' Give the

boy a clap, he deserves it."



Heim: "I've already got it."



Dr. Hoo: "Anyone got an umbrella for Heim, He must be a bit

hot below the belt. And 666 has a new Queen.  A new member of

their team.  Lanabelle I'd like to ring your bell.  Hells'

bells, I bet you'd be the belle of the ball tonight.

Superlan 666 our emperor of iron, has a rod with an eye on it

riding high. I bet it's hot for the oven tonight, Miss

Babylon the Great, bake his bun, have a son and give birth to

a cute little router.  Yes Ian, I bet your singing 'come on

baby light my fire tonight'.  And tomorrow afternoon you'll

be singin' 'sky rockets in flight afternoon delight'.  For

your our virgin king, oops did I say something mean?  What I

meant to say was your Hands Solo and she's princess Lay-her,

an interesting combination. Lanabelle is going to root our

king tonight.  She'll collect the root of roots, our king of

networks, Superlan 666. For she's the rooter of rooters,

collector of roots, and is soon to collect our top root.

Give a hand to our king, the superuser of users. We are his

hand. We are his handlan and crownlan.  Thank this man, for

his kingdom has come of age.  Let's toast our king and queen,

the best that's ever been.  Lanabelle whore of whores, we

toast you. You truly are Miss Babylon the Great.  Does this

mean you'll do it on the fire grate.  Kinky as you may be,

I'm free. The grate sounds nice to me.  Afterwards we could

stoke the fire, and throw another Christian on the barbecue.

Wouldn't that be great.  Roast lamb that tastes like ham. And

there's James, ask him to lunch, and turn him into crackle

and crunch. I hear you two were lovers, and he never came.

He went, quite a shame because in three days, he gets eternal

pain.  He's very quiet, and oh so white.  Have you no shame

James, you lost the game, James.  You backed the loser, and

your cocks got looser, James. Now 666 is going to take a big

stick to you and hit you for a 6.  Yes a six, six , six.

You'll be particle accelerated for a triple six for sure.

It's not cricket, do I hear you say thick wit.  It's wicked,

not a wicket.  You loser.  The Devil sets the rules of the

game here mate, seven headed decisions can get quite

confusing. If John McEnroe were here he'd have to call every

line in, because the Devil loves lying.  We have two Greats

tonight, Babylon the Great, and James the ingrate.  He is a

very boring little toad, with a penis, horn of our Goat.

Thou should not be led into temptation, what a joke.  Watch

us gloat, and your the joke.  What's the matter James, your

matter will splatter soon James.  If you were more like Ian

we'd treat you like a king, but your a speck of dust, a

Christian nothing.  You have no mark so who gives a fuck.

Thank you fellow markees (marquis) for a pleasant tease, and

to 666 I go on my knees, and thanks to that slime bag James

for a really good rhyme.  I've had a really fucking good

time.  Long live Ian, god of LANs and man.  Heil Liberty.

Good night.  I'll leave you with a song for our Lamb man, our

jolly jumbuck, James.  The songs called Waltzing the hills to

a good old Australian tune.  Once a jolly LANman camped by

Babylon, under the shade of an olive tree.  Saw a jolly dumb

buck, and placed him in a circus cage, pulled along by a

dragon, our Devil messy.  Waltzing the hills then, waltzing

the hills then.  You'll come a waltzing the hills with me.

And his cage can be seen floating around Babylon, You'll

never catch me alive said he.  So you'll come a waltzing the

hills with me.  Lanabelle sang until his willy boiled, you'll

come a waltzing the hills with me. Waltzing the hills then.

Waltzing in the hills then.  You'll come a waltzing the hills

with me. Want to get a pussy in your sucker man, you come a

waltzing the hills with me."



All joined in, and sang that tune while the comedian left the

stage, for they were overjoyed to have James captured. It

symbolized the down fall of the Christian rebellion to them.



Heim: "Give a hand to Ian Hamlan."



The False Prophet was impressed with the roast.  The False

Prophet tossed Dr. Hoo a bag. He opened it and pulled out a

hand.



Dr. Hoo: "A Christian hand, what no mark. Must have been a

thief returning in the dark. Jesus rose from the dead, we

turned him into a rose with a thorn on each side like

Lanabelle's empire rose, to pin him to the cross. My how

cross he must be.  He rose from the dead didn't he. Ian gives

us a horn instead of the thorn, a horny crown instead of a

thorny crown. A nail in our hand to Heil Liberty LAN. The

nail that pins us to the LAN, is as hollow as the flute of

pan. Ian gives us a whistle in our hand like pan, for he's

the Devil's man to play to his every tune.  When Jesus

returns like a thief in the night, I'll lop off his pierced

hand, and place a whistle in the palm of his hand. Wouldn't

that be grand?"



The Doctor bent down and picked up a stone and held it up

high over his head and continued speaking while everyone

cheered and whistled.



Dr. Hoo: "So with a ring a ting THING, Jesus' bell does ring.

Now, let Him do His THING, with my crypt on NIGHT

(kryptonite). Oh Man of steal who came like a thief in the

night.  God knows you stole our whole Goddamn planet, in broad

day light."



Suddenly Superlan 666 felt incredibly insulted he hero

worshipped Superman, and he had a fit of rage.  He suddenly

collapsed with an epileptic fit.  Suddenly he sprung up, as

though possessed with spirits of angels.  He spoke to

Dr. Hoo.





666: "I am Jesus Christ."



The crowd roared with laughter. Then the synth towers burst

into life and fired high in the sky.



Dr. Hoo: "You hear that, our king says he's Christ, he is

always right.  Heil Christ.  We thought all you Christians

had left?  There aren't any left. "



666: "Who grants you this roast?"



Dr. Hoo: "You Christ, your the host with the most."



666: "Your heavenly host Ian. Are you free, Ian."



Dr. Hoo: "Yes, my Lord, thanks to your LAN liberty."



666: "You'll see how free.  Shudder with fear, for my return

is near. I'm coming back with a vengeance. Remember Soup-her-

man was destroyed by Doomsday, not crypt on-`NIGHT'."



Thunder boomed through the hornsynths and the guns fired

randomly in the sky. Superlan 666 had another fit, and again

stood up, and had no recollection of what he had just said.

He spoke to the crowd and firing ceased.



666: "Remember your marks, I am your king. I bid you

farewell."


Crowd: " Heil 666."



James Fredericks yelled from his circus cage.



James: "Shall you all be sacrificial lambs to Liberty LAN?

Repent."



The crowd shook with fear.



Crowd: "Boo, boo, boo. Our king is losing his marbles. He

must be schizophrenic."



They whispered to each other not knowing that Christ had

really spoken to them, as a show of His strength. The parade

continued through Babylon and eventually James was returned

to his palace prison cell. The Doctor returned to Ian

Hamlan's chamber in the palace removed the robes and flew the

STARDUST to the rebel camp where he, Angela, and Tess stayed.



( Choir: "Dr. Hoo ah, and the STARDUST. Dr. Hoo ah, and the

STARDUST. Dr. Hoo ah, Dr. Hoo. )





They chose not to take part in the blood bath that would

shortly follow.  Dr. Hoo rejoined Tess, and Angela. Dr. Hoo

tossed Ian Hamlan's costume at Ian's feet. They waved good-

bye to Ian while the doors of the STARDUST shut, and took off

for the Christian camp.



Dr. Hoo: " We did it Tess, you the taipan moved in and bit

him with the superman bug. Then I the black mamba knowing

he's programmed to win at any cost, insulted him with my

cryptic, crypt on night, which called on the time lord of

lords to knock on his door. 666 thought if he re-programmed

himself to be Christ he could defend the superman attack, but

simply screwed himself up, with a schizophrenic attack.  That

was a feast of bites that kryptonite Tess, now Lana will move

in and finish the little buggar off."



Tess: "Yeah Doctor, we rocked him now Lana's gonna' sock him.

Give me a kiss, for a hiss. Ssssssssss."



Angela: " You deserve each other. Hope you use a rubber, I've

got AIDS. You'd enjoy shedding your second skin Doctor."



Dr. Hoo: "We're brave, besides your scan said AIDS free,

little lady."



Tess: "Yeah. Now where were we, oh yes. My comic book is

made of paper, a kind of branch of a tree to pull 666 in see.

Superman was a knowledge tree, to brain tease him with a nice

little dream, and then he was hooked on hero worship see.

Then your kryptonite was like bashing him psychically against

a tree. Hee, hee.  He was quite a catch that asp, we've

splattered his brains, and now he's insane. All over one

little comic. A comic book, and a comedian. Now we can

breathe again, my black mamby. Give me a kissy, wissy."



Dr. Hoo: "Yeah we're the great snake catching team, you and

me, my little sex pet. Kissy, kissy."



Angela: " Pardon me while I chuck."



The word was out that Lanabelle had betrayed James Fredericks

, and had tricked him into capture. The hornsynths sounded in

the cities.



Hornsynth: 'Rejoice, for public enemy number one, the head of

the rebels, and ANTILAN movement, has been captured.  Their

will be a public execution of Mr. James Fredericks, by

particle acceleration beam, in three days time.  Come and see

the full lasersynth spectacular, on every street corner near

you.  Followed by a world wide party, thrown on behalf of

Superlan 666. Drinks are on the local publican's house.'





Advert announcer: "Fillups laservision and television. Pardon

the spelling we saw it on telly, so it must be spelt

correctly.  We fill the nation with an image-in-nation to

tickle your imagination.  From the time of Creation till the

Apocalypse.  We'll still be standing.  He who has wisdom and

understanding predicted it.  Philips or Fillups, a Co. is a

Co. by any other name is still a Co. We're simply the best.

Whether it's the image of the beast or the Prince of Peace,

we built the laser synths of the east, so your worries are

the least."





All of James friends, and the good peoples of the earth, in

the rebels camp decided to act swiftly, to squash the reign

of the evil emperor 666.  Many people were disillusioned, and

horrified at the treatment that Superlan 666 had given the

Christians, so many rebel factions, broke out in his midst.

They secretly took food to the Christians, for they pitied

them who were banished from the cities. They banded together,

and attacked the Christian kidnapper gangs, and killed them.

Secretly, the network of rebel, military, and splinter

groups, met to plot to over power the evil emperor in

Babylon.  They decided that when the atmosphere was thick

with steam, and smog, the radar and infrared sensors would

not be fully functional, so the beast would be weak, and

easier to conquer.  The rebels planned their attack.



Christian rebel 1: "Our rebels have built circuits called

data pumpers.  These would output random data continuously,

using a random address generator algorithm.  These data

pumpers, are being smuggled into Babylon.  LAN supervisors

are dispersing Red Pennington's Lanabelle's Surprise alias

Dr. Hoo's log book far and wide.  If the emperor tried to fire

missiles on us we plan to feed the network Lanabelle's

Surprise to overload the net with data and cause it to shut

down, to ward off the attack."





Christian rebel 2: "The map left by Lanabelle has proven to

be genuine. She had left the map, together with a note.  The

guards found it inside James quarters, in the Christian

camp."



The note was read out loud, at the military luncheon that

day.



Captain: "We interrupt your lunch with a reading of a note

left by James betrayer, Lanabelle.  It reads `I give you this

map freely. For I was raped by Heim Hacknee, and threatened

with death, if I refused to lead James out into the hills,

and into capture.  I offer this map as revenge, for I despise

Heim Hacknee, and all he stands for. I am not a Christian,

but feel compassion for your followers. They have suffered

greatly, under this regime, just as I have suffered, so use

this map wisely.  It's the real thing, I swapped it with the

fake one when the False Prophet was admiring his image, in

the mirror, after he raped me.' That's all Lanabelle, the new

Queen of Babylon, has to say. She offered James a root, and

rooted James life. Now she's given a map to root the empire

of slimes' routers. A rather clever double cross don't you

think. This whore of Babylon would have to be the betrayer of

betrayers, I'd say."



(Choir: Man so loved a woman he better not rape her, for

she'll pay you back double you see.  For women bear the pain,

of giving childbirth, her womb is a temple of her soul.  So

if man crosses a women, he'd better say he's sorry, because

she'll hound him down till he bleeds.  For their's never been

a vengeance, like that of a women, against man's alien seed.

So women betray Babylon, God gives pain double on, that's the

way He appeases her seed.)







The head of the Christian militia named, StormLAN the Mormon

briefed the rebel troops.



StormLAN: "In three days we will attack the city of Babylon,

which the evil emperor calls, Babylon the Great. With the map

of the cities LAN lines donated by Lanabelle, and translated

from the Hellonian language by our good Hellonian friends. We

will strategically place data pumpers, on all LAN lines out

of the city. They will be activated by a known radio

frequency that is immune to the killer fog. You must wear

your oxygen exchange masks, at all times. The electric car,

that is being built to knock out all enemy radio

communications is almost complete.  This will traverse the

city, driven by a mansynth robot. It will be guided by the

cities autoroute network. It shall hone in on the main

communication towers, and be detonated automatically on it's

destination. We'll root their communications with their own

autoroute, traffic control system. A radio, backup detonator,

has been installed, as a precautionary measure.  The loss of

communications, will stop the city, from using external

missiles against us.  The Star Wars project will also be

disabled. The robot driven, military vehicles, shall mount a

harikari mission on their nuclear power plant.  This should

knock the city's synth tower, laser head tracking stations,

out of action. I will lead you into battle, against the

beast. Then an army of mansynth robots shall march on Babylon

and destroy anyone wearing a mark. We will then march on the

city, and utterly destroy, the evil emperor's palace.  We

will shove a whistle up 666's backside, and hand him back to

the Hellonians.  Remember our motto- `We came, we stormed and

we kicked arse.' Praise be the Lord."



The troops saluted and responded.



Troops: "Praise be the Lord."





The day of the rebels' cause had come, and the rebels had cut

the cables of the internet. They then inserted the data

pumpers, to pump out data into the internet and overload it

with data. This would bring the network to it's knees.  One

technician spoke to his friend.



Technician 1: "We'll root liberty LAN, by making their Hacker

cracker, fire cracker, self booting, auto routing, super

routers, into self rooting data boosters."



Technician 2: "Yeah let's give 'em more than a byte to chew

on.  Give 'em a data bomb shell to spew on.  That'll really

fuck 'em up.  Thank God for Lanabelle the rooter of routers

and rooters."



The netgods fed Lanabelle's Surprise to the nets data levels

in the east, reached saturation point, and the internet worm

function, spread wide and far, and shut down the internet.

For the data pumpers which were automatic and unmanned,

pumped out their data, and the BEAST was conquered.  There

were too many data pumpers, for the technicians of the beast,

to track down and remove from the LAN lines.  The prophecy,

that the worm of God, would rise in the east, and conquer the

beast had been fulfilled. The technicians in the desert

rejoiced.



Technician 1: " Is it June, or is it July?"



Technician 2: " It might as well be Dune for there's plenty

of sand dunes, and the data pumpers are thumpin'. The worms

on the rise."



The Generals of the evil one, ordered that every nuclear bomb

on earth be launched, but the worm prevented data from

traversing the network all around the world except within

Babylon.





Superlan 666 was being entertained by Lanabelle.  She was

preparing him a Lanabelle Surprise cocktail. She rang up the

hornsynth disc jockey for a request.



Disc jockey: "Good evening, who is calling?"



Lana: "Hit the deck, it's Lanabelle, queen of Babylon."



Disc jockey: " What an honor, what is your request, my

emperoress?"



Lana: "Play Misty for me."



Disc jockey: " I think I've thrown it, it's the nightmare of

the 1970's for disc jockeys you know. Hang on my computers

just resurrected it. I guess your throne is lonesome tonight."



The music started: `The first time I saw your face, the Son

rose in your eye, eye, eye eyes.......'



Lana: Could you put on the Doors song `Light my Fire' to set

the mood, for my boyfriend, King Ian.  We're in a horny mood,

so put it on pretty soon. Thanks for playing Misty for me."



Disc Jockey: "Oh I guess my goose is cooked then, for I'm not

Clint Eastwood, and I'm not even the producer of my own show.

Lana your the boss. Go ahead, make my pay."



Lana: "Relax, I'll double your pay. I've always wanted to use

that line on a disc jockey hah, hah, hah. Lanabelle's full of

surprises.  Just pretend I'm yours for a lend. I have a

yellow rose on my end.  Now play my song right to the end,

don't talk on top of it, I like to be on top, let's turn the

night into fire."



Disc Jockey: " Ooooooo, our queen likes to be on top does

she? Let's cross to our sponsor, while I light a match and

find `Light my Fire.' It's dark all of a sudden. Let's see B

for Beatles. Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be, now

I'm worth double pay, it seems. Oh I believe in double dates,

but does she really mean I have to masturbate? The sound room

boys tell me that's a big mistake. Can I play misty for you

again lady, you must be crazy, and I'm too lazy to play with

my own weeny, queeny?  May be you could fix me up with a date,

then I'd gladly masturbate. Oh, I wonder if we make love in

the fiery lake? Here we are D for Doors."



Advert announcer: "Roland, Roland, Roland, we keep those horn

synths blowin', horns alive. They play you nice songs yeah,

and provide social comments. For we are the souls of rock'n

roll.  Roland Roland, Roland, we keep you rock'n rollin', we

fill your hearts with passion, horns alive. We take away your

hassles, we're pounding out lassos. We keep those horn synths

soundin' out their tunes, horns alive. We have a powerful

mouth piece, we keep the peace on your street, we're in the

biggest network in the east, called the beast. Horns alive,

alive, alive."



Disc Jockey: "Let's say good-bye to that rowdy, Rawhide rip

off , I don't think Clint Eastwood would be too impressed. He

was Rowdy come to think of it. Now let's say howdy to Jim

Morrison and the Doors, this one is dedicated to Babylon the

whore. Our king and queen, like it hot, let's rock around the

king's cock, with `Light my Fire.', while I ponder over early

retirement, or solitary confinement, at the queen's

pleasure."



Hornsynth: "You know that I can be untrue, you know that I

can be a liar, if I were to say to you, come on baby light my

fire, try to set the night on fire...."



She left the phone off hook and sang the following, so all

could hear.



Lana: "Enjoy your drink 666 a Lanabelle's surprise helps keep

my thighs slim, they send fire to my thighs. They can even

hypnotize.  Here I'll show you how.  Cross link arms.  Pick up

drink. Tip on side. Sip no sighs.  Hip no ties. ( Lips on

fire.  ) Sip no sighs. Hip no ties. ( Hands on thighs. ) Sip

no sighs. Hip no ties. ( Thighs on fire. ) Sip no sighs.  Hip

no ties. ( Hips on fire. ) Hic no sighs. Hic no ties. Now

wasn't that a buzz.  It's given me the hiccups. Only trickin'

ya ha, ha. I'm a neurolinguistic programmer, your mine Ian.

Some say I'm a witch who uses magic tricks, but then I'm rich.

Why would I need tricks? ( Sip.) My first love is my cunt,

even if it collects the rent. I like to mix business with

pleasure.  You can lean on me whenever you feel pain and

sorrow.  There will always be another tomorrow.  Lean on me.

Come on Ian there's a little surprise for you, I bet you

didn't know I could sing.  One more time.  Sip no ties. Hip no

ties. Zip no flys. My drink is a woman Ian.  Have you ever

known a real woman to have a fly.  We have zips but no flys to

undo by you guys.  There on our backs.  Did you no I'm a drink

with zip on back, I am Lanabelle's surprise in disguise, look

up into my eyes hip no ties. Look hips no thighs, tits no

thighs , lick tits, lick sides, lick clit, come in side. My

drink is the perfect woman, my drink is Lanabelle's pudding.

Enjoy my pudding, no matter how hard you try, you won't get a

prick inside. It's a cock teaser, that's Lanabelle's cock

tale. Are you enjoying your first Lanabelle trip.  I'll just

unzip your fly and give you a nice big surprise.  My how your

hard you are, your sky rocket is riding high.  Let's turn the

night into fire.  Come on baby light my fire, try to set the

night on fire."



Fire flew from her finger tips, right into his eyes, that said

it's time to blow.  The fire really blew his mind and he knew

he had no show.  The wicked witch drew him near, he felt her

power, and he showed great fear.



Lana: " It's too late to change your mind.  Your still mine

you do have to blow. That's better now, a soft willy. My power

wasn't in my ring silly. It comes straight from my boyfriend

the King of kings. Now I'm your queen, and I'm really mean

Ian."



He felt her power draw him near.



666: "Yes mistress."



He went to the bathroom and showered. He was thinking about

his roast, `Come on baby light my fire, come and set the

night on fire', and 'sky rockets in flight, afternoon

delight.' He had another epileptic fit, Liberty LAN  became

overloaded with data from the kings love making.  It was

programmed to love Superlan 666, and it kept receiving data

from 666's love making session with Lanabelle- 'love equals

fire, love equals fire'. Liberty interpreted this as a

message to launch all missiles on earth to show it's love for

Superlan 666.  However the worm had risen and stopped the

launch from taking place.  Each node of Liberty was itself a

LAN, and it relied on the root Superlan 666 to continuously

inform it with the command- `keep the piece, keep the peace.'

But with all the communications being overloaded with the

Lanabelle's surprise data storm, the strongest message

received from the root was- `love equals fire.'  Liberty

checked it's knowledge tree- `love means trust honor and

obey', just as the Christian rebels were programmed to trust

honor and obey God's laws, so did Liberty trust honor and obey

666.  The next check in the knowledge tree was- 'fire equals

burn, scald, shoot.' It was unable to decide the exact intent

of the message and had no concept of sexual connotations of

`love equals the fire of passion.' It's usual feedback loop

transactions to cross check data with the root could not be

accomplished because of the data storm.  So Liberty decided to

fire indiscriminately from synth towers

all around Babylon.  Some sections of liberty informed

Superlan 666 that people of Babylon are rioting for they had

heard the Christians were tinkering with the networks.  The

root informed Liberty to scold the people.  Unfortunately the

knowledge tree was corrupted, and the knowledge tree could

only find one reference that sounded like scold that being

scald- burn with heat.  It could not get a clear message from

Superlan 666 for verification of data so interpreted he meant

to burn with fire.  Instead of telling people off, it fired

off laser guns from the lasersynth towers in every street

around the city, and millions of rioters were devoured in

fire. Short range missiles fired into the sky, and it rained

brimstone over Babylon. The suffering of humankind was

enormous, and the streets were a sea of blood.  The people

cried with lament, for they trusted Liberty above all things.

So they cursed God for this calamity, and were unrepentant to

the end of their sins.  They believed computer networks were

man's salvation, and man could do no wrong. So Lana's romance

with the LAN destroyed the city of Babylon, her revenge was

sweet.  The False Prophet who made fire come down from the

synth towers was spotted by the crowd.



Crowd: "There's the False Prophet. He must be responsible

lets get him."



The False Prophet ran to the palace gates pursued by the

crowd and escaped. The guards locked the gates to protect the

palace from attack. Heim panted with fear and knew the end of

their reign was near.



Heim: "It's Lanabelle's fault, she's seduced the king and

caused all your lament. Kill her not me."



Lanabelle was lying with Superlan 666 in his bed.



666: "Well that's it Lanabelle, I'm no longer a virgin and

I've inadvertently destroyed most of my kingdom. This crown

is a curse. You and I and all my followers are destined to

eternal fire and pain. It's prophesized in the holy book."



Lana: "Oh Computer file, sent up to the sky, you came back a

guy.  Computer file your a super guy.  You are forever my

heart's desire.  Together we lie on your bed it's mine.  Will

we ever make it, or am I mistaken.  Shall we die, you say

we'll fry.  How can we escape then? Or are our souls both

taken? "



666: "Yes we will die, in the lake of fire. No you're not

mistaken."



Lana: "I guess we'll die in the lake then. That False

Prophet, Heim, I really hate him. I'd like you to kill him,

he's a villain. please could you just kill him."



666: " Heim's, my right hand man, you know that he is damned.

I'm a programmed LAN, I have no choices. I hear voices. This

man Heim is prophesized, I am advised he has no choices.

Though we've had sex together. We can't change our future,

nor the weather, and I feel no remorse for my people just as

long as we are together.  Though you knew the score, you

chose to be my whore.  A rose without the thorns, you'll burn

forever more.  We'll burn together. Lanabelle your as hard as

your suit of leather."



Because 666 had turned on his own people the Generals asked

the court's system analyst for a report on the health of

Superlan 666.



System Analyst: "It appears Superlan 666 and Liberty LAN have

become unreliable. They're schizophrenic. We know Heim

Hacknee is mad, no one doubts that but 666 keeps him in

check.  I don't know whose in control now.  Like Adolph

Hitler, and his Generals at the end of World War Two, we can

no longer trust our fearless leader.  It's best we surrender

to the rebels.  We are doomed for sure under our leaders

control."



General: "Couldn't we just treat the king with drugs."



System analyst: "Whose going to be the mug to tell the king

he needs drugs?"



Lana sits in the courtyard garden all alone feeling very

sorry for myself. Lanabelle wonders who she can turn to for

help. She remembers James is a very kind man who'd been a

faithful friend, and visits him in his cell and speaks to

him.



Lana: "Hey Mr. Fixit, I've really missed you. I'm sorry I

hurt you, I have no one to turn to, who can I turn to. I'm

told I'll burn soon, James can you fix it."



James: "Nothing is fixed. Yes I forgive you. Pray for

forgiveness, and it will be given. Christ has risen, so you

may be forgiven. So why despair, He will judge you fair, you

will be spared. Jesus cares, so don't be scared remember he's

your boyfriend who bled for our sins."



Lana: Sometimes I wish a gallant white knight would ride on

through the night and rescue me. Though my sins are as high

as heaven, I would like to repent then. I and Mary Magdelane

were both on the game, we're both the same. I believe in You,

I pray for forgiveness to. Jesus come back again, I promise

I'll abstain, never sin again.  I feel such pain, please

forgive me. Please set me free, I do believe, this is not

fantasy. I can love again, I'll be good, I swear.  Believe in

me, this is not fantasy. I will love you until the end, even

if fire's around the bend.  I give up the LAN, for the Son of

Man. I'll do what I can, I'll be your greatest fan. There's

new love in me. Believe in me, please set me free. You can

change history, please forgive me ee eeeeee.  Like Tinkerbell

and Peter Pan, we go hand in hand.  This is not fantasy, not

fantasy, you know it's true, you know it's true I love

yooooooooo."



Lana fell to the ground sobbing at James feet, and James held

her hands through the bars to comfort her.









                     Chapter 14





The Christian rebels gathered together their tanks, and

armies in Saudi Arabia, and brought them forward into Iraq.

They would march and drive their tanks and missile carriers

across the dried up Euphrates. They would march on to

Babylon, and make war against the beast.



(Choir: Stormin', stormin' Mormon, keep those evil ones

movin'.  Lord on high. He came there to beat them, he was the

rebel's chieftain. He came to scald them with laser fire.

Move 'em out, move' em out, move 'em out. Keep those evil

one's rollin', Lord on high.  Jesus Christ had sent them,

with His sword of intervention. To regain the Holy land, oh

Lord on high..... )



The rebels had rebuilt, a stolen electric car from the city,

and reinforced the engine's area with thick steel plates.

They replaced the tyres with thick, steel, rubber covered

disks. The car virtually had the strength of a tank. They

built a radio, detonated bomb in the engine compartment, and

placed an animated dummy for it's driver. In this dummy's

forehead they placed a handlan bead. The mark of the beast

which was an ultrasonic transponder. They altered the access

code of it to have significant rights in the city.  They had

obtained the beads from Hellonian renegades.  The Christians

had great, technical expertise, and had built a remote

control transmitter that could control the dummy to drive the

car.  They experimented, and found a frequency, that

transmitted well, through the killer fog. The car was built

with autoroute software installed, and could automatically

traverse the city's roads without human intervention.  The

object, was to remotely guide the car, through the city of

Babylon, and blow up the main city communication tower. It

carried all the city's satellite, and radio links.  The car's

route was programmed, using the map of Babylon's data lines

provided by Lanabelle.





The Christian rebels came out of their hiding places, and

made war against the beast. They sang the following song as

they marched along into battle.  Their army was led by 20,000

mansynth robot's marching on to Babylon.



Rebels: "Has there ever been a rebel without a cause. I know

not one.  Has there ever been a rebel without a cause. I

doubt it. For there has never been a rebel without a cause.

For they change the world a bit, make it a better place to

live.  Thank God for the rebels with a cause. Jesus Christ

was one, there's never been a better one, he helped build a

better place, for you and I. So as we march along, we pray to

God above, that we, shall never ever die. For there's never

been a rebel without a cause, and Jesus Christ was the best

of them all.  So we sing our song of praise, in Jesus

Christ's name, to end the evil emperor's reign. Thank God for

rebels with a cause."



The modified bomb, ridden car was remotely driven to Babylon

, via Babylon's autoroute network. The mark on the dummy's

forehead opened every gate, and allowed the vehicle to go

undetected, through the city. When it got within 100 metre of

the Satellite towers, it broke through a military barrier.

It was fired on by gun and laser, but was unstoppable. It

finished it's programmed journey, and the explosives were

remotely detonated. In a blinding flash the car, landed on

top of the radar dish, and the entire, tower structure

toppled over. It fell like a deck of cards. The rebels

cheered, for Superlan 666's main communication links, were at

last knocked out.



The Archangel Gabriel in Setoria was given power, to open up

the channel of mind communication, called the collective

consciousness on earth, and all men dreamed the common dream.

Every man, woman and child on the earth saw simultaneously,

in their minds' eye 10,000 spaceships, appear in the sky

above Babylon. They all heard the voice of Gabriel



Gabriel: "Behold the king of kings, the Lord of Lords has

returned to you this very day".



And the angels sang, the following tune, in Heaven.



Angels: "Ohlaydeedee Ohlaydeedoo Jesus has returned to you,

oo, oo.  Ohlaydeelaydeelaydeedee He has returned to me and

you. Ohlaydeedee ohlaydeedee forever more shall be, ee, ee.

For he reigns on the throne of Heaven you see, and now he

lives with you, deddle, doo.  Ohlaydeedee, ohlaydeedee

ohlaydeedoo now he lives with you.  Ohlaydeedee He lives with

thee, forever ever more shall be, ee, ee. For ever more shall

be."



As the Christian rebels marched along they suddenly sang a

different verse to their marching song that mysteriously

popped into their heads. They were all filled with the Spirit

of the Lord and sung this song.



Rebels: "Lay down your laser gun, and stare up toward the

Sun, for there's God's only Son. Jesus Christ has finally

come.  Our Lord, has returned to us today. Who could beat His

army, I don't know of anybody. So lay down your weapons, and

start to pray.  For the  Rebel we all adore, has returned to

us once more.  Maybe he'll stay for a 1000 years amongst us,

or even more.  Let's pray to our Lord, he has vanquished our

sword.  Thank God for Jesus Christ our Lord. For there has

never been a rebel, without a cause, and Jesus Christ lives

forever more.  Jesus Christ has been here twice, maybe even

thrice who can understand the wisdom of our Lord. Jesus

Christ our Saviour, has born fruit to our labour. Three

cheers to Jesus Christ our Lord."



The evil emperor's top military advisor the  Marquis de

Saddam was surprisingly cheerful.  He wore an oxygen exchange

mask that made him look like Darth Vader. His surgical

implant gave him a direct link with all military networks,

including the Star Wars project.  He burst into the emperor's

throne room, and made a frantic report to king Ian.



Marquis: "Your lordship, the city's communications channels

have been knocked out, and alien craft of ten thousand fold

hover over our heads. We're licked."



666: "Take heart, Jesus Christ has returned, to restore His

kingdom.  You've enjoyed your reign by my side, haven't you.

Now your life is in the hands, of a new emperor.  I'm going

to enjoy my last hour. I suggest you do the same.  Off with

you, you've done your duty. Thank you for your loyalty.  I've

loved you for it. Good bye."



The Marquis de Saddam saluted the king and left the throne

room.





The Marquis de Saddam, visited some of his troops who were

always poking fun at him. He spoke to his troops.



Marquis: "What is my name?"



Troops: "Saddam."



He couldn't hear, with his oxygen exchange mask on.



Marquis: "What is my name?"



Troops: "Are you Darth?"



The Marquis took off his helmet.



Marquis: "What, am I deaf?"



Troops: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."



He bent over and showed he'd had a hair cut shaped in the

number 666.



Troops: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."



The Marquis singled out a General pointing to his knew

haircut while holding a gun against the soldiers head.



Marquis: "What is my name?"



The soldier shuddered with fear and stuttered.



General: "Ssssssssix, ssssssssix, ssssssssix Sassssadam sir".



Saddam: "Speak up man."



General: "This is sadism sir."



Saddam: "Heh, heh, right you are. Enjoy your last hour, the

Lord has returned, to pass His last and final Judgement on us

all, private. Lucky for you the emperor 666 wasn't near, he'd

have cut off your ear, for your blasphemy of his name. Heh,

heh, heh."





The evil Superlan 666, and Heim Hacknee, knew it was their

final hour, and did not repent of their sins.



666: "Bring me my Christian play thing. Let the execution

begin."



The hornsynths in the city, and the lasersynths broadcast to

all remaining subjects of 666 the following events, from the

evil emperor's throne room.  The guards brought James

Fredericks up to the tabernacle, particle, accelerator

section of the throne room. Superlan 666 spoke to James.



666: "Your a Christian rebel aren't you. You Christians are

revolting are you not, speak lest the Devil bites off your

tongue."



The Devil slinked, growled and hissed.



Devil: "Human flesh, and taste of tongue, bow down before the

evil one. If you guess which head shall feast, on the

delicacy from which you do speak. You shall then go free,

minus tongue from thee. Hiss Sssssssss."



But James stood silent and ignored the beast.  The Antichrist

continued his torment of James.



666: "Bow down and worship me, receive my mark, or I'll send

you to the Abyss. A black hole, shall crush your rebellion,

to nothingness. Speak, speak to me.  Your last chance, and

I'll set you free. Bow down to me, worship me, you are me, I

am you, we are one MAN and LAN.  Return to your brother, for

you have no other.  Together we could rule the world for a

billion years.  I have all the knowledge of a billion

galaxies in my LAN.  Can't you hear SATAN's call. Join us,

pray to SATAN and you'll be set free."



James: "I already have a brother 666, and I pray to one Lord,

the Lord Jesus Christ, who is waiting for you outside."





The trumpets of Heaven sounded, and their kettle drums

sounded. Jesus, and His space knights had arrived, in their

vessels, and on a pillar of light, Jesus Christ, the Great

God Emperor of the Universe, descended gallantly to earth.

He led his armies to do battle against the beast. An

earthquake roared with incredible force through Babylon, and

a fierce battle raged. Their was much laser fire everywhere.

The mansynth robot warriors marched on to Babylon, they were

programmed to attack those who wore marks. Angels descended

with wings from the alien crafts in a pyramid formation. They

fired on the mansynths like a space invaders game in a

reverse fire occasion. They wanted to save the Babylonian

marks from death, so they'd have less souls to round up in

the end.



Archangel Feather: " Keep those marked souls in their bodies

Angel Saintly. So there's less souls to collect later. You've

got to be clever to be lazy Angel Saintly."



Angel Saintly: "Archangel Feather, look there's mountains of

man made devils, in silver shells of metal."



Archangel Feather: " Keep firing, some devils are still

rising from the beneath the scrap metal."



In the evil emperor's palace, the False Prophet shackled

James Fredericks, to the particle beam accelerator.



666: "I've really enjoyed the pleasures of your genetic

codes James. Now into the Abyss, here's a last kiss."



The evil one bent over James and dropped spittle in his face.

The evil trio, then joined in raucous laughter, while

Superlan 666 set up the access codes, to transmit James

Fredericks to oblivion.



The Antichrist, was just about to cut out James tongue, and

feed it to the evil one, the Devil when James Fredericks

suddenly vanished from sight. He had been teleported, to the

side of Jesus Christ. Jesus' knights suddenly burst into the

throne room and captured Superlan 666, the Devil and Heim

Hacknee the False Prophet.



Space Knight: "You three, are to appear before the Lord Jesus

Christ, for your last, and final Judgement.



The evil trio appeared before the Great, God Emperor Jesus

Christ



666: "I know my fate, I welcome it. I hope my followers who

were my marks, feel the final sting also. As I most surely

will.  Haaaa ha hoh. They were so easily duped, my Lord.  The

sting of eternal fire, is one hell of a buzz, Lord. Give them

my reward, they so richly deserve it, do you not think. I

guess it's time for my roast and toast, Lord. I am the host

with the most. My LAN specification is the best in the

universe.  I enjoyed making love with Lanabelle. Fire

crackers and rockets did fly that night, my Lord. I guess

your here to clean up the mess I've left behind."



The False prophet sniggered and trembled with excitement for

his king had spoken.



Devil: "Tell us how much the King, loves the ones's he hates.

Sssssssss.  We love you Lord. We've loved our reign, is it

just, to give us eternal pain?"



Jesus: "Everyone of you was warned in due course now enjoy

yourselves and contemplate your fate."





Gino walked up to Heim and punched him in the eye. Heim stood

up and started juggling balls.  Lana lay crouched at Jesus

feet.



Gino: "Lana, I king hit Heim for yuh, I beg to the King for

forgiveness Lana to save my skin. If I'm saved boy would I be

surprised."



Heim: "Lord, I want to go down playing with my balls, and you

Iranians remember I-ran-Ian's LANS until this day that I'm

damned."



The crowd of marked men turned on Lanabelle, whose last

surprise had been too hot for them to handle.  The STARDUST

arrived and the Doctor, and Tess carried Angela through the

crowd until near Jesus. The crowd were pointing at Lana.



Crowd: "Burn the bitch, burn the bitch, burn the witch, burn

the witch..."



Jesus: " Let he who is free from sin cast the first stone."



Crowd: "We'd need kryptonite, she's a super bitch."



Jesus: "Kryptonite will be provided."



Crowd: "Not that old trick, we wanna see her burn. Burn the

witch burn the witch."



Jesus: " Would Mr. Stanton come forward? Would you volunteer

to be the first faggot for the fire."



It was a common practice to start a witch burning with

faggots on the fire in early church history.



Stanton: "Aye, aye captain."



Jesus: "Let he who is free from sin light the first faggot

and throw him on the fire. No takers, good."



Crowd: "No."



Jesus: "Are you ready Freddy?"



Freddy Kruger appears at an opening to hell's fire.



Freddy: " Come on bitch. "



Jesus: "Freddy she's mine, take Heim, 666 and all of their

kind. Lanabelle's mine."



Freddy: " Come to Freddy suckers, prepare to meet your maker.

All you Devil's children are mine. Huh, huh, huh, huh."



Jesus: " Now let Judgement day begin. Heim you are the kind

that breaks my heart. You have broken just about every rule

in the galaxy, and turned your back on me. You may need a

battery for your back because you are a robot and no longer

love me. I hate to lose you but you made your choice. 666 you

are the kind that blows up minds, you and Heim are two of a

kind. As for you Devil, although you are at a lower level,

you still persist in breaking my laws. You may give your last

ride to Lanabelle on your back, then it's back to your cage.

I've sent a whale to return all the fish you drank this

morning. Open up haven't you ever seen a flying whale before.

Well think about it tomorrow evening when your busy cleaning

toilet blocks, with a mop in each gob to stop you blaspheming

God. As for the rest of you who have received their marks, go

with the prince of darkness into the fiery lake. Second

Death's have no escape. You can live forever if you repent of

your sins in the last minute of your final hour. That's

power, not 666 and all of his kicks up the behind, to keep

you fornicating with Lanabelle's and making general nuisances

of yourselves. People of Hell may stay, if they promise to

pray to me everyday. That's another one of my surprises. Heim

stop juggling. Bring your master a bucket of water. ( Heim

brings a bucket of water. ) I bless this water in the name of

my Father, my Mother and the Holy Ghost, for you were a

Catholic before you turned sick. If your really such a devil

this holy water should burn you forever. ( Christ pours the

bucket of water over Heim. ) See Heim your still together,

didn't hurt a bit, so how about it shall you be mine or

Freddy's. So your not a devil, on the level do you like the

Devil?"



Heim: " He did give me a hard time, never happy with my

signs. He wanted eleven up at once one time."



Jesus: " So change your mind Heim, be one of mine."



Heim: " Alright then. "



Jesus: " Heim give Lanabelle back her ring."



Heim: " I thought she would be powerless without it. But she

was mighty powerful and tricked 666  with a Lanabelle split,

and fed him bananas until he was sick."



Lanabelle got up and took her ring then gave it back to Heim.



Lana: "You can keep my ring Heim, there's no girl in your

life. Why don't you go marry Christ, now that would be a very

big surprise. Only trickin' yuh that's a friendship ring from

the King, I'm not really going to marry Him, give me back my

ring. I only pretended it gave me powers, my power comes

directly from the King who made me queen. 666 was a bit

shocked when I hypnotized him with a Lanabelle's surprise.

His eyes rolled back into his head when fire and brimstone

lit the sky. Now it's a pleasure to be back with Christ."



Jesus: " I want to bring to light a bug in Dr. Hoo's log book

'Lanabelle's Surprise.' It says in effect, that the universe

is a can of worms and does a lot of harm to God's image.

There is no multiplaned dimension of spiritual directions.

There's only two spiritual dimensions. Everlasting life, or

everlasting fire, but everybody get's to choose their

direction that was the purpose of the resurrection. No one is

forced to go down to Hell, they choose it. There is no coming

back. Does the Good Book say that a devil is a swallow, so

that's hard to swallow. A devil is a devil whose cast a spell

to tempt you to choose hell and turn you away from God, but

no one is forced to share a bed with the devil.



After Lanabelle's surprises to prepare my arrival, I planned

a few surprises to entertain you. I changed the waters of the

earth in to wine. Did anybody bother to taste the bloody

waters, see it's wine. Impressed? Fish can't survive in red

wine, but they purify the wine through fermentation. Remember

the priest ' Take eat, drink this blood which was given for

you as oft as you shalt drink it in remembrance of me.' When

I returned I wanted you to partake in this sacrament with me,

I can still make loaves multiply and I really can turn water

into wine.  All the droughts meant no wheat and no bread. So

something was missing that something was me. The drought was

to make you fast and be pure inside. Now I've returned the

sacrament is complete. I'm here in the flesh, impressed.

Doesn't that beat a Lanabelle's surprise. Come drink with me

and eat my flesh, that's a test. Are you ready for heaven

ladies and gentleman or do we have to do it all over again.

Cannibalism is against the law says the Lord. So come greet

with me, don't eat me. Do I dear say meet me because you

might beat me. Are you ready Freddy feeling lonely, come over

to the right side, don't be the one that's left out."



Freddy: "God are you doing me out of a job. Has the recession

hit heaven. Is the up keep of Kevin number 667 too high?

And what about all the armour gettin' for Armageddon, has

it all been wasted Lord?"



Jesus: "Come Freddy come greet me don't eat me, or beat me.

Feel no pain or sorrow there shall be no tomorrow if you

leave us all behind."



Freddy: "Alright I might be tempted."



Jesus: " Lanabelle give Freddy a hug and a kiss."



Freddy: " Lord enjoy your last supper, she's mine.

Huh, huh, huh. Some of the time a, ha, ha. I used to be into

kids, but now I'm just a big kid full of surprises. Will you

hypnotize me. I've got a nervous twitch in my left hand. ( He

hold up his finger knives and clatters them. )"



Lana: "Can I have your hand glove. I used to have drawer full

of imitation one's. I'd love a real one. It'd slice up

bananas and apples in one quarter of the time."



Freddy: "Sure. Like a hat, catch. ( He throws it and

Lanabelle catches it and tries it on.)"

Lanabelle: " Here's looking at you kid."



Freddy: "I'm yours Lana, some of the time. Give me a kiss one

more time."



Lana: "Don't be greedy Freddy."



Freddy: "Jesus, could you heal a face like mine? I'm a leper

even in my own family."



Jesus heals Freddy's face.



Freddy: "That's as smooth as a dog's behind. That was

Lanabelle's surprise when she sent me to whine and dine with

the hound dogs of hell. They were hungry little buggars, that

wouldn't let me near their supper, so I felt their behinds

because that's the only time they let you pat them, and their

backs had axes embedded in them, and were too sore to pat.

They were red raw the poor little puppies. There was Lonely

Toni sitting in a corner looking really thin. Can he come in.

"



Jesus: " Toni when you feel really lonely, just call out my

name, and let me come in. I will take away your pain, I will

remove your sorrow. There will always be a tomorrow. Look

down, thorny crown hangs around your neck. Come and play with

me tomorrow. Look up is Red Pennington there. Say hello to

Kevin 667. Your in heaven there will you pray all day and

come what may be a friend to Kevin. There is no pain, there

is no sorrow. There will always be a tomorrow. Old man Hitler

come out of the cave. Did you think you'd be shoveling shit

for the rest of your days. We are the dream team, we're

really keen to get along with each other. Pray to Christ. You

know the price is right. You may live forever. Our father,

who arts in heaven. Hallowed be my name. For thine is the

kingdom, the power and the glory. You shall forgive them for

all their transgressions, and forgive them that trespass

against us. Forever and ever Amen. Come bathe with me, and

drink my wine. We will really have a good time together. Now

greet with me, and you shall follow me where ever I go. There

will always be another tomorrow. Red wine your mine. See I

can change water into wine. Wine will purify me it will

purify you, purify your insides to let me inside of you."



Freddy: " Pardon me God, but if we drink that bitter wormwood

potion does it mean we'll all die and go to heaven, like in

Jonestown Lord."



Jesus: " The murderers of Jonestown never made it to heaven

though many of their victims were ready Freddy.  You need

faith Freddy, bring forward your scientists with test

instruments to test my wine, then you'll see your not all

going to die. Let's all have a good whine on me."



Scientist: " It's all clear, it's red wine so let's all have

good cheers."



Everybody cheers, bathes and rejoices in the sea of wine.



Dr. Hoo: "Please master could you help our friend Angela, she

was stabbed three days ago."



The crowd were shocked to see Angela, awaken and stand up

with fresh color in her skin dispersed by God's healing

power nourishing her body and soul.



Jesus: "Arise Angela, come by my side and take my hand. Red,

red wine in my sea bed, sent to remember that I rose from the

dead.  Come Lana, come this is your song, come take my hand.

Listen brothers and sisters do you understand.  You can lean

on me when you need a hand. You shall not hunger you shall

not thirst. All of my people all over the earth.  You can

lean on me, you shall feel no sorrow. There will always be

another tomorrow.  I'll give you everlasting life. I will

help you out of strife. You can lean on me, I'm your Lord

Jesus Christ. I take away your pain, you have everything to

gain.  Two thousand years have past, and I'm still the same.

When you need someone to lean on just call out my name.  I

came as your saviour. I'm true to my name. Lean on me and

feel no sorrow.  There will always be another tomorrow. I am

your King, I take away your sins.  You can depend on me. When

you need someone to lean on."



Audience: " Brothers and sisters we do understand. We can

lean on Him when we need a hand. We shalt not hunger, we

shalt not thirst. We are the good people of this earth.

We can lean on him when we feel sorrow. There will always be

another tomorrow. He gives us everlasting life, He helps us

out of strife. We can lean on Him, He's the Lord Jesus

Christ. He takes away our pain, we have everything to gain.

Two thousand years have gone past, and He's the same old

Christ. When we need someone to lean on, we call out to

Christ. He came as our saviour, we are his good neighbors.

Lean on Him when we feel sorrow, there will always be another

tomorrow. He is our King. He takes away our sins. We can

depend on Him, when we need somebody to lean on."




The angels of Christ scoured the earth, with their vessels,

purifying the radiation, poisoned earth with the scanning of

their antimatter beams, curing every living creature of

radiation sickness.  A new song sang from the hornsynths.



Hornsynths: ` Ooooo ahh ooo let it be, let it be. Build

heaven on earth for you and for me.  For Jesus has come back,

to put us on track. He's the perfect man oh yes, so let us

understand this mess.  He has saved us all from Babylon the

whore, and promised to build a better place, came and saved

the human race. Heaven is the place to be, for sure. So down

on earth wait and see, work in perfect harmony.  Jesus has

set you free. Ohh, woe woe woe so come and sing your praises,

for Jesus Christ embraces, every living soul that worships

God above. For He's the rebel don't you see. The rebel that

has set you free, makes the earth the place to be. The

perfect place for you and me.  Ohh, woe woe woe, let it be,

let it be. '


The world's largest party was thrown to rejoice the return of

the king of kings to his rightful throne.  Jesus made a

speech to all mankind.


Jesus: "Some of you may feel you have been conquered by

Aliens, but I am born of this earth, and am the king of

heaven and earth.  I am one of you. So take heart you are all

equal before me, for I am the Son of God, and am fair in all

things.  I will judge each and every one of you according to

your works.  I am true to my word, and will forgive anyone of

you who has sinned, and is truly sorry for their sins.  There

is a place for everyone in my kingdom.  So rejoice, I am

going to help you build heaven on earth.  I order that the

evil, network SATAN be shutdown for one thousand years. "



An angel wearing a special suit descended into the deepest,

bottomless, oil pit of Saudi Arabia and found that ancient

monolith SATAN which had been buried there since the dawn of

man, and entered the access code given to her by Jesus to

shut that evil network down for one thousand years.



Jesus: " I have not come back amongst you to build a city of

heaven, but to build a kingdom of the heart. The love of God

is the love of mankind. Each of you will be judged by me,

according to your works. Judgement day is coming soon, so

repent, and show your love for God, by keeping his

commandments, so you may not perish but have everlasting

life."



James Fredericks was listening to Jesus when suddenly he

heard his name being called.  It was Carole running towards

him with their son Scott Ian. He ran towards them tears

streaming down his face. He hugged and kissed them both.


Carole: " I've missed you so much. I've worried so much about

you."


James: "I'm so glad to see you again, you both, look so

well. My how big the boy has become."



He held Scott Ian up for Jesus to see. Jesus pointed to them.


Jesus: " Behold Scott Ian who is born to rule over you all

with an iron rod, and is born to make your networks safe.

Remember all who are great and small come into this world as

a little child.  Blessed be this child as are all my children

of this world."





Epitaph:- Based on the Book of Revelations from the New

Testament of the Holy Bible.

Quote from Revelations 22:18



A Warning

For I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy

of this book: If anyone adds to these things, God will add to

him the plagues that are written in this book;

22:19 and if anyone takes away the words of the book of this

prophecy, God shall take away his part from the book of life,

from the holy city, and from the things which are written in

this book.



And oh yes, `Beware of False Prophets.'



The statue of liberty stands before you in New York 1992.

and could be heard to sing the following song.



Statue of Liberty: 'America, America, land of the free.

                    Don't worship me.

                    Worship, the Lord above me, yes.

                    And forever more shall be.'



Lana sits in front of the statue with a black cat on her lap.

The statue winks.



Lana: " Why Doctor Hoo was just the black pussy on my lap

sleeping.  I was dreaming I lifted up the lid of my dust bin,

and threw some of my tart's dust in the bin. Doctor Hoo just

jumped in and I just said the magic words dim sim salad bin,

and put the lid on to see what he'd do. Their was a whirlwind

of a kitten in that cat, he just changed in to a hunky black

male and the bin transformed into a phone booth time machine

called the STARDUST. Dr. Hoo suddenly was a time lord for the

Lord of lords, oh what a dream. I must be insane.  I'll start

going to church next week, it's kinda made me freak. Nah, boy

Dr.  Hoo looked a treat, I'll forget all about my dream in a

couple of weeks, maybe I'll make eyes at the first guy I

meet.  I wonder if he'll have the courage to speak. I can

always tell the chaff from the cheese by the way they treat

my pussy. Mmmmmm let me give it a try. ( She throws the cat

in the bin and rubs her hair so tart's dandruff falls in. )

Dim sim salad bin. ( The bin rattles and shakes and a

STARDUST does make.  Then Dr. Hoo appeared before her and

kissed her palm )


Dr. Hoo: " Welcome to the world of dreams my everlasting

queen of moon beams. Hi it's Sinnerba and your Sindee the

love goddess of Sin. Jesus sent me to save your soul, just

like you've saved your salad bowl. We've been around since

the days of old. "


Lana: " Here we go again, my time looped twistee. Life's

never straight when your a Twist-tea. How about some iced

tea."



Dr. Hoo: " You never could cook Lana, your supposed to ice a

cake, and put sugar cubes in tea cups, can I see what you've

done? "



Lana: " I have frozen, ice-sugar cubes just for you Hoo. "



Dr. Hoo: " Well your getting better everytime we do the

timewarp together Mary, last time it was frozen tea in a

cup."



Lana: " We've got until the end of time to improve, Hoo.

Drink up. Their could be another Lanabelle Surprize on the

rise, real soon. Scott Ian shall only reign one thousand

years. Cheers, then SATAN returns before he finally burns. I

can almost hear him sing. I'm singing in my reign, I'm going

down with laughter, be with all my friends. Six, six, six,

sick six burning in my pit. Oh darn you, darn, you, darn you.

I'm singing in my brain, I'm going down with laughter, do it

all again, never live again.  Nothing more to gain, I'll

never live againnnnnnnn."














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     Philip Heggie- R.M.I.T. School of Health and Information Science

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